to wonder if doing it alone is easier alone than more people like to admit?

[biancsa]

I’m a mum to dd 4. My DH and I divorced when she was 20 months. He was a present and good dad to DD and so supportive of me. I do miss the family unit. However…

What surprised me was that parenting became ‘simpler’ for me when it was just me. Since the divorce I’ve been given the sad eyes a lot about how I’m coping alone as a single parent and I find it curious? Does anyone else find it easier?! I have a routine for DD that is never disturbed. The house can be messy but it’s all my mess so I still know where things are and nothing is ever moved. I don’t have to discuss what’s happening or what we are doing or factor another person in, so we just get on with it. We are never late to events or parties, we are organised and things run smoothly… much more so than when I had to share a house with exdh. Mealtimes are easy, nothing ever feels chaotic. I do miss exdh at times, in terms of discussing things about DD or just when i want an hour to myself, but day to day I definitely find life simpler to parent, even though he was very hands on. Is this just me? I was terrified of being single but motherhood really has been easier.

For me it was much easier without the resentment of exh being there but contributing very little. We eventually split up when the children were 10 and 13, they’re now 17 and 20.
I can split up our lives into 3 sections, when they were pre-school we did family activities and exh was involved although mainly with play than structure and routine.
By the time youngest was 4 exh had pretty much checked out, he’d always worked shifts but now he worked nearly every weekend, he would take care of the kids after school on his week days off but would often work extra shifts and expect me to organise alternative childcare, he sometimes had made dinner before I got home (but only fish fingers and chips type things). I took them to dance, football, swimming, gymnastics, I took time off if they were ill, I did all the life organisation and most of the housework. Fwiw I had worked FT since youngest was 2, when I’d changed jobs from shifts to M-F 9-5, I also earned more.
I have done the teenage years completely alone, exh does not contribute to their lives (except for through CMS who take directly from his wages), he doesn’t see them except a handful of times (he saw them about once a month for the first few months, now it’s only if they arrange it themselves, usually by visiting grandparents at the same time as he does). I have negotiated various A&E trips, first relationship breakups, GCSES x 2, A levels and off to uni x 1 (6th form options and thinking of next plans with second), learning to drive, coping with teen parties, drinking, vaping, emotional crisis, lift giving etc etc…
I have 2 well rounded, independent, resilient young adults who I am very proud of. I know I can take sole credit for their wonderfulness.

@thisisasurvivor j work four days and have maintenance of around 550. I spend my day off taking dc on a day out and try to do online shops etc.

@nex18 gosh why do you think he suddenly changed his attitude towards seeing them?! Some people (men) are truly dire aren’t they. Your kids sound fantastic!

@Passwordsarestressful also i guess I spend time with other adults at work? Then if I take dc out a friend often comes too. I try to meet friends for coffee over lunch breaks or just catch up over the phone. I find that side tricky to manage.

I found it so much easier parenting alone. I have two DC and their dad saw them regularly and paid maintenance. A few arguments around co parenting apart, yes. However, far fewer than we were having living together.

In a way, he was the biggest, most annoying kid of all. The only thing I found difficult was looking after a big house alone with limited funds. Even small odd jobs are beyond me due to disability.

Same here my oldest is autistic and hasn’t attended school for a year as they can’t meet her needs so she’s been with me 24/7 all day every day can’t go anywhere without her she has to come everywhere and I’m slowly losing the will to live and manage 3 other children alone. I can see how one child and generous maintenance payments would be easy though.

@MaxwellCat can you get any support from any services? That seems so hard to be left to manage alone when your dc cannot attend school which I assume also stops you being able to work? So you can’t have your own life either? I am angry on your behalf!

@biancsa embarrassment and self protection to begin with I think (he had an affair). I think the reason why he’d gradually checked out while we were together is because they didn’t need him as much for play and entertainment, as in they were developing their own friendships and interests. You’re right, they are amazing, thank you!

I'm sorry you lost your DH 💐

I completely understand and agree with you regarding the teen years.

I’m a widow too, mother of a 6 year old.

I see both sides - somethings are easier, I’m free to throw us both in to play dates etc at weekends in a way my partner wouldn’t have liked.

But I also find it hard, and lonely. I’m not a self starter, so I find it hard to keep going with everything on my shoulders. The house is messier - which is ok, because I’m the only adult - but I’ve got in to some bad habits.

I find part time work and motherhood and home keeping really exhausting - I’m 48 so maybe age / perimenopause/ energy levels are an issue.

I get really lonely - WFH, out once in a blue moon, every weekend spent with a 6yo.

So yes, I get a lot of freedom, and it is easier. But it’s so all-in, I kind of feel my own life - in terms of love and projects and dreams - is over. :-/ Curing my low level internet addiction would be a start though!

Yes I've found it easy, LP for 15 years. Not supposed to say that. We're all meant to be 'coping', 'surviving' etc. I actually hate those terms in relation to parenting. (that MN ad re surviving the holidays is annoying me, I bloody love the holidays!) It's never felt hard work to me, apart from the baby stage, that was hard work. Our home is peaceful and calm, always.
Saying all that I have one very easy going healthy child and no ex to contend with. I'm sure it's very different when multiple children are involved or children with sen.

I agree - just not having an extra adult's mess is fantastic (although perhaps my feelings are coloured by the amount of mess ex produced).

The only bit I find hard is that there is no break - and even that's getting better now they're older - but still I can feel like I'm either working, 'on duty' for the kids, or cleaning the house - and if I take a moment I feel guilty because there's normally something I should be doing.

Also not being able to just pop out in the evenings is a pain - mine are old enough I can pop to the shops in the day, but I wouldn't leave them when it's dark.

Single parent for 10+ years here. It goes in waves. Yes there are things that are a bit easier, but for the most part I would love to have a caring partner to share the load with, both emotionally, monetarily and practically. carrying everything alone is tough. Not being able to leave the house for 10 years without your kid is super hard (excepting school times!!). Just wish I had someone who would do a school run for me a couple of times a week, pay a bill or let me lean on them when I am run down and tired. There are some upsides: choosing own decor, cleaning own stuff and not someone else's. But on balance, now I would love a decent partner - I'm tired and weary of the solo burden.

No, I much preferred it when dh was alive. I hate having full responsibility for everything with no one to share it with. If he was still alive but we were separated I'd find it easier as he'd still be sharing the responsibility.

I find it easier on my own, but I do co-parent 50/50 which gives me a break that I never used to have.

My ex was away working a lot, but still had high expectations about how the house was and how the kids were cared for, with lots of lovely blame for me if things didn't meet those expectations - but always with the excuse for him that he was away, so it wasn't on him.

I could count on one hand in a fifteen year relationship the number of times I can remember him cooking for me, or cleaning the bathroom, or picking up the hoover, or putting a wash on. He was great at talking, great at expressing his opinion, but didn't want to do any of the daily grind of housework.

I'm not a single parent but I definitely notice things run more smoothly when DH is away, and my single mum friends report similar to you. I think it's partly because when you're parenting alone you 1) Can set your own routines and plans without having to discuss with another adult and 2)You HAVE to just get things done yourself so you get on with chores and stuff more rather than hoping the other person does it, talking about who will do it etc. DH is a helpful and active parent but that means there is more negotiation, planning and discussion than is needed when I'm just 100% in charge.

I think it would get tiring having no time alone without kids though.

I'm still early days into separation and Dad is around but no formal custody plan in place or overnight stays yet.

I agree that doing it myself is 95% easier. I am more relaxed, the kids are mostly great and there's a feeling of peace knowing its just the children I need to sort out and we can march to our own drum, as we choose. It's quite freeing and I'm not talking grand things, just simple everyday life.

My resentment in not having to pick up what an adult should be doing, has gone and I have a level of contentment knowing its just for me sort out.

Life admin can be a bit overwhelming sometimes and the big house jobs knowing that's on me (mowing lawn etc) but then I did alot of them anyway. I guess it's just the actual realisation that I'm on my own completely with the entire load but yeah it's pretty empowering at the same time.

I am not a single parent, but I understand where you are coming from.
Things do run a lot smoother if DH is away. The house stays tidy, I am more relaxed as there is no resentment that I am the only one doing anything round the house, and we can eat a snack as a main meal if we want to

I can kind of see where OP is coming from. I live on my own little bubble mostly with my 2. He’s meant to have them EOW but in reality with his job it can be weeks til he actually has a weekend off. Maintenance has been sporadic too. So I just get on with what we need to do and when we need to do it. If he texts to have them for a day/meal/overnight then I’ll say he’s if it fits in but say no if we have already made plans. I do wish I had some help with the housework (kids aren’t great but at an age where they should be) and if I want to go out for an evening I feel like I need permission off my mum who would have them overnight at her house - she always says yes unless she has plans. I feel like I carry the mental load for both kids and their school/appointments/hobbies/performances etc - even though he gets the same emails from school he never seems to have a clue what’s going on. I’m sick of being the one to decide what we eat - we do have a kind of routine now though and eating outside of that can be tricky. One child is autistic so relies on routines. I’m much better off financially - he was terrible with money and got us into debt and I’ve been pretty much debt free since being on my own. I work part time and have no one moaning about my days off. Zero football is watched in my house - infant I cancelled sky sports and zero sport is watched. Apart from when the kids want to watch their TV shows I can pretty much watch what I want when I want. Kings size bed to myself. I found it harder when the kids were younger. We split with they were 18 months and 4.5. Youngest goes to high school in September. It’s got easier as they don’t need my full attention at home all the time. Autistic child has less meltdowns the less she see of him. She loves seeing him but when she gets home we do have more issues for a few days until she resettles again. He doesn’t keep the routines like I do. She’s always the perfectly behaved child for him. Youngest loves going round to his as he likes gaming with her but she lives coming home too.

It’s taken me ages to get used to my own company. Family are concerned I’m still single after almost 10 years and have made no effort to date. I really have no interest. I have a friend who split with her partner when pregnant and hasn’t been single much since. On and off with various lengths of relationships. I can’t be bothered. Maybe when they’ve left home - if they leave home!!

Living on your own in definitely easier. You know where things are, you have the house how you want it, you don't have anyone moaning about using the bathroom, what you do at what time etc. I've lived on my own for 10 years now, my DD is 9, when she's awake it's fine but the evenings I admit are a bit lonely, sometimes I love being alone but other evenings I wish I had someone to snuggle up to, even if me and him are sitting there in silence. I've had boyfriends since her dad (he left when DD was 11 weeks old and we haven't been able to get in contact with him since) but never lived with any boyfriends. I'm 31 and I often think that if I ever do live with anyone that I'd struggle because I've lived as an only adult for a decade.

Did not RTFT but have lived away from DH about half our married life, three young kids who always stay with me (and I have the bigger career than he does). No family close by.

I find it much easier to do it without DH.

He does get upset when I say this though >< and doesn't believe it.

I think like anything - it depends....
If you are financially comfortable, reasonably securely housed work part-time & only have 1 child & have family support then yes for sure it can definitely be easier especially if you were doing the thinking and doing for 3 previously!

I have 2 and work full time in quite a full on job but fortunately with a lot of autonomy & flexibility and as per a previous poster lots of things are easier but it's the juggling of activities. I don't want them to miss out!

Good for you, enjoy your dd & your freedom.

My friend has 5 kids and found it easier when she broke up with their dad. He did very little parenting anyway and it was one less person to clear up after.

XH left 6yrs ago. I am lucky in that the DS go EOW so l get a break... l never had a break when married as he was always out doing his hobbies.

I'm so much happier. If l want to lie in bed or on the sofa l can without fear of what comment I'll get. I don't have to consider anyone when l make plans.

I don't feel lonely at all and l really don't see myself ever living with anyone again...or even having another relationship.

good for you but no, I find it relentless