to wonder if doing it alone is easier alone than more people like to admit?

[biancsa]

I’m a mum to dd 4. My DH and I divorced when she was 20 months. He was a present and good dad to DD and so supportive of me. I do miss the family unit. However…

What surprised me was that parenting became ‘simpler’ for me when it was just me. Since the divorce I’ve been given the sad eyes a lot about how I’m coping alone as a single parent and I find it curious? Does anyone else find it easier?! I have a routine for DD that is never disturbed. The house can be messy but it’s all my mess so I still know where things are and nothing is ever moved. I don’t have to discuss what’s happening or what we are doing or factor another person in, so we just get on with it. We are never late to events or parties, we are organised and things run smoothly… much more so than when I had to share a house with exdh. Mealtimes are easy, nothing ever feels chaotic. I do miss exdh at times, in terms of discussing things about DD or just when i want an hour to myself, but day to day I definitely find life simpler to parent, even though he was very hands on. Is this just me? I was terrified of being single but motherhood really has been easier.

I would completely agree. It’s one of the big secrets that no-one really admits to- I think sole parenting is so much easier!

The only hassle I get is occasionally from my ex because he is a complete twat. As an abusive person, he doesn’t change, but at least he’s out of the house.

Same here i never understand when people say this i can only assume they were in abusive / controlling relationships as that's not normal and I've never not been able to do what I want even in a relationship so it would be easier in that sense than with a controlling man

It's easier in many cases because the man was an effective child. It's not all men, but if you have a bit of money and resource, you don't have to deal with the mental load of having someone lazy or unsupportive.

It might also be that parenting gets much easier as your child grows. I found my kids much easier after around 20 months when the baby stuff was mainly over… which is also when you started doing it alone, and you only have one child so parenting is lots easier than if you have multiples.
I have found the majority of the difficulty of parenting has come from the juggle of having 3 kids and stuff happening at the same time and needing my DH to help with the juggle!
last week it was just me and DD (4) for the afternoon and it was a doddle!

No it’s hard and exhausting.

yes I loved being a single parent after I split with ex but then I married dh who really took the load of me and took my girls on.

now he’s died and I’m doing everything by myself, I’ve no extended family bar my unwell elderly mum and no support.

it’s lonely and hard, demoralising, and stressful

It might also be that parenting gets much easier as your child grows.

Until they hit their teens 😱

I like to do what l want and when l want. Stress free.

Others have commented on this but just to add ime being the only person with responsibility for children means the exact opposite of this. You can't even go to the shop for milk past 7pm until your youngest is at least 8 years old. Never mind cinema/theatre/whatever - I mean really forget all of that. For at least 12 bloody years.

I guess you can decide which park to go to, with the kids, at weekends, stress free. But you still have to go home and cook, clean, wash up and do bedtime after. Then sit alone after.

Not exactly living the dream is it.

It might also be that parenting gets much easier as your child grows.

it doesnt. Really it doesnt.

I also think it’s even more isolating once the kids hit high school, gone are the parent groups, playgroup, primary school events and then you have the added stress of being the brunt of teenage feelings and attitude etc

Kind of weird that there are 2 threads running - one that it is easier being a single parent, and the other about the loneliness of being a single parent.

Both are true.

It's certainly easier being a single parent than to parent with an unhelpful partner and I would guess that the majority of single parents are single because they had a difficult relationship. So comparison wise, it's easier being single than having an unhelpful partner. If he's incompetent, fussy about meals or dinner times, doesn't help sufficiently etc. they are all things that make it harder, and therefore easier (generally speaking) if they're not there.

Also often the relationship will break down after a number of years, so the DC could well be older when you're a single parent. Being mum's taxi service is exhausting, but them being old enough to leave at home alone is incredibly freeing.

I'm sorry @blackheartsgirl - and I hear you 💐

Yes, agree. When they are smaller, there's more direct parental involvement in their activities. Now the things that worry me - but are standard parenting fare! - are mine alone with no support network (friendships, exams, well-being). And they cost so much!

Try doing it with 3, with a full time job there is no ‘give’ with (can’t be late), an ex who actively works against you and make one of those children have a health condition that needs 24/7:monitoring and can keep you up half the night. Receive sod all maintenance, have (another) new girlfriend who believes his hype, be an only child and have a mother with dementia so no family support and additional caring responsibilities to boot….

Those were some difficult years!

It is not all bad. I did it all by myself and have 3 lovely young people I am proud of.

My dh sometimes travels for work, tbh when he is first gone it’s so much easier. By week 3 if he’s gone that long I am really missing the support - more the emotional support and the backup I get. But I don’t work when he’s away ( I make up for it when he’s home ) and I treat it as an almost holiday for me. I meal prep and am super organised for the first week so I can just relax and do the bare minimum then I kick into spring cleaning and refreshing everything so that’s probably why I love it so much. So I do find it easier when parenting alone but my standards are so much lower when I’m lone. Our Kids are easy at the moment though.

I’m sorry, no sleep here. My point was parenting while a partner is away is great BUT that’s because it’s not long term, I’m not the only adult responsible in the long term. I treat it like a holiday not real life.

Lone parent to DD14. And I mean lone parent. Father not on the scene and no maintenance since she was 1.

I think it can be easier at times because there is no negative negotiations with a partner. If you are financially independent and don't need the maintenance, another bonus. If you afford childcare/private school so you can work full time hours, even better.

However there are many lone parents on this board struggling with their kids and financial situation who have none of the above. It's absolutely dire for them.

Also same I've been abroad on my own without my partner also stayed out overnight for concerts in different cities by myself I've never had to ask permission or anything so can't understand why some ppl think having a partner or a husband means u are not free coz if that's how u are feeling then maybe you are with the wrong person