to wonder if this is why some people find parenting easier?

[rtpp]

Is it just the temperament of the baby? Or is it less selfish people find the transition easier?

I am on one side of coping and my close friend is on the other and it baffles me as to why this is.

I don’t think it’s any one thing. It’s personality of the mum and baby, expectation vs reality, financial situation, support available, health issues, PND, support network of new mums, local breastfeeding support, accessible GP etc etc. I personally wouldn’t bring ‘selfishness’ into it although of course if people refuse to adapt their lifestyle it will be harder!

Some babies are a lot more demanding than others IME.

I found parenting a breeze with my first two. DC3, not so much.

I think a lot of it is to do with how much support you have.

I am heavily pregnant and I took DS to see his grandparents last week because I’m really struggling to get him out and about but I knew a full day at home with him would have him bouncing off the walls. Such an easy day - I barely felt like I did anything!

If I had that luxury locally and on both sides … ah well we can dream. I am sure you are not selfish. Little children just are very hard work, it is lovely work but hard.

Temperament of the baby

Temperament of the parent (the anxious, like to be in control type will struggle more than the easy going, take it as it comes type).

Amount of help available (from the other parent/grandparents/friends/paid help etc)

General life circumstances - it's much easier to have a baby in a bigger space, in a safe area, if you have a cleaner/enough to eat/no financial worries etc.

I don't think it's anything to do with being selfish or selfless.

Personally I found it hard with my first because she didn't sleep and I had a big expectation I should be having more sleep. I could cope with most things if I've slept. But I agree with @GotMooMilk it's a mix of factors unique to each family.

This is utterly spot on and covers everything I came here to say.

I think with babies/toddlers a lot of it is to do with how well people cope with little/interrupted sleep....I think that's physiological though not selfishness related!

My DC still regularly get up in the night at 3 and 7 but I wouldn't say I am more tired than any other parent. I'm very lucky, I will happily sleep anywhere and drop off as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I read a book called Benign Neglect when I was pregnant with my first - it was a revelation and how I’ve parented both DC. Don’t sweat the small stuff. 2 largely chilled parents and now two very chilled kids. Obviously we have our moments but generally life is good 😄.

It can play a factor yes but more if you have a baby which screams and cries all day and night compared to one that sleeps and is chilled. It obviously plays a big part on that mother being tired, anxious etc.

DS1 was a koala baby and could scream for hours. DS2 completely chilled (a bit of a crap sleeper but nothing compared to his brother). I'm the same person and I was a far better person 2nd time around as anxiety wasn't as high.

Support is another key factor in how parents feel.

Baby temperament. People really underestimate how diffirent they can be! And that actually your perfect advice won’t work.

Also mother temperament like if you’re very anxious and worried about being perfect you often find it harder.

I know exactly why I found parenting easier than some people do. I had easy pregnancies, easy births, healthy babies, a supportive, loving partner, kind and helpful parents and PILs, good friends, a nice
place to live and plenty of money. It's all about circumstances.

People's tolerance of coping plays a massive part. Anxious/easily stressed/panders/uptight/unnecessarily worrying about every little thing will not cope as well as those mothers/fathers who can tolerate, manage and deal with certain levels of stress.

Everyone's tolerance for stress is completely different and I used to always be baffled for example how some people talk about their job being stressful for example in comparison to the likes of other jobs.

Not sure if it boils down to "selfishness" although I can see how this may be the case for some.

Some parents I know make serious rods for their own backs by giving into their children so easily or going for the "easy route" for example with discipline/sleeping routines as examples.

Some kids are super chill some aren't. Some parents are super chill some aren't. The child's personality and the parent's personality are the key deciders. Taken into account of course other factors which are a given: mental health status of parents, SEN children, own lived upbringing experience etc.

Not this exactly but I have wondered similar. I'm a single parent and every single parent I speak to says they find it so easy and find it easier being on their own and I just can't relate in the slightest. I find it so hard and just assume I'm a shit parent 🤷‍♀️

Temperament of baby is a huge one and complete luck of the draw. It’s easy to be a super chill parent and breeze through it when baby feeds and sleeps well. Compared with a strung out mum who is dealing with a baby who has silent reflux, barely sleeps and doesn’t stop crying. I have had both!

There are so, so many variables. Selfishness isn’t one of them, though.

Some people make life harder for themselves. My neighbour complains her 1 year old follows her relentlessly round the house and when I suggested a stair gate she was astounded. I mean I never, ever had a toddler follow me for a piss and I had three of them.

I think what you find boring and how well you cope with boredom is a big one. I found a newborn boring and stressful (an awful combination!) but it wasn’t too bad because baby was portable and so I could do boredom-alleviating things with him easily enough. Once he was mobile it was much harder because I still found it pretty boring but couldn’t (for example) read a book, or potter in the garden, or people watch in a cafe, while he napped in the stretchy sling. Instead we had to do things I found fairly boring (baby groups) but less boring than being at home alone. Many of my friends found every aspect of having a baby fascinating, and others found it a bit dull but didn’t mind it so much.

I was much less bored once baby could walk, and even less bored when he could talk. I am now at the stage where I find him as fascinating and absorbing as some people find newborns!

Agree! I know no one who is sufficiently mentally capable of dealing with a colicky screaming baby without becoming stressed. Mine wasn't a screamer but never slept and I had DP but no other support. Took over 3 years for a night sleep and it took a very serious toll on our lives. I would challenge anyone to cope with what we had, and that's with a healthy mother and baby, nice house and job security so on balance we were lucky.

Its a mix of about 25 things!

Temperament of baby
Supportive partner
Supportive family
How prepared/realistic you were
Your own temperament
Money (ime everything is easier when you have the choice to pay to make some issues go away)
A bit of luck (eg having a doctor or hv who spots reflux, a friend who helps you bf)

I do think there's an element, i wouldnt say "how selfish you are" but more whether you were at a stage in life etc to be ready for the sacrifices parenting involves. For some people they grieve their pre-baby lifestyle, figure etc more than perhaps others do.

I think a major factor I largely find it easier than some is that I don't have a shit husband. He does his fair share so not everything is left to me be it changing nappies or doing the laundry.

The other one is that my baby is an excellent sleeper.

I've got 4 children. The first 2 were lovely babies. Slept amazingly from birth, only cried when they wanted something, teething was no problem at all, healthy, had lots of weekend help from my parents. Money was tight but never an issue. Husband was ok (!!) I mean he wasn't abusive or horrible, just left it up to me a lot. So I coped excellently, I was happy, relaxed, made lots of new mum friends, had such a great few years.

3rd child - oh my god!! She's since been diagnosed autistic which might explain a lot. She screamed literally all day most days. If someone else made eye contact with her she would scream as though she was hurt. No one else at all could hold her or feed her. She needed to be constantly rocked and stood up with. From 2 days old until about 7 months old she was such a difficult baby. It genuinely near drove me to breaking point. My mum died and my dad moved away. I had a horrible abusive partner. I think this all fed into the already awful time I was having to be honest.

Temperament of the baby, but also temperament of the mum/dad too.

My #1 came out knowing how to sleep and eat, which made both nights and breastfeeding really easy.
#2 didn't know either, but I was far more relaxed about it than if she'd been my #1 because I knew I couldn't do anything about it.

I also love the baby stage, which helps.

I think it's a combination of baby temperament and adult personality. I have noticed that those I know who struggled most were the ones who had not really had to deal with anything challenging in their life yet.If your life has always been easy, having to keep going when things are hard is more of a shock to the system. I also noticed more married people struggle than single people, perhaps there is an element of choice too. If you have always had lots of support, you know you can step back and not cope and that others will take over and give you a break. Those who are solo by choice have to keep going so they just do.

Anecdotally, I find my friends who find parenting easy have huge amounts of support. My friend who loves being a mum has her mum on hand pretty much all the time, has a nanny and a really supportive husband.

I find parenting hard. I have 3 under 5 and I am done in. My family live far away, my husband works away a lot. Most of the time it’s just me and the kids. I love them but I’ve lost who I am. I wish I could enjoy being a parent but I don’t have it in me.