Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if this is why some people find parenting easier?

117 replies

rtpp · 09/07/2023 19:42

Is it just the temperament of the baby? Or is it less selfish people find the transition easier?

I am on one side of coping and my close friend is on the other and it baffles me as to why this is.

OP posts:
Nuevabegin · 09/07/2023 20:21

@3ormoredogs “you’ve loads of help” so that’s a huge factor in how you are coping .

VestaTilley · 09/07/2023 20:21

“Less selfish people”. Naff off, OP.

I found it hard (still do sometimes) because I had a tough pregnancy, traumatic birth, breastfeeding problems then it ended early, a non-sleeping baby, PND and anxiety, no nearby family support and a DH who did not adapt well to fatherhood.

I could’ve had the most placid baby in the world (I didn’t, he’s a joy but has always been very on-the-go and required a lot of stimulation) and I’d still have found it hard because of the circumstances. Add in the fact my own childhood was wobbly at times and it’s a recipe for true hardship.

It is not always about how hard someone tries or what they expect parenting to be like. Sometimes you just get dealt a tough hand. Not on the baby though; he was a star, and still is. But hard work.

The only people I know who’ve found it fairly ok are the ones with loads of family help. If you don’t have that it is relentless.

5128gap · 09/07/2023 20:21

High boredom threshold, low value on autonomy, good health, loads of support, plenty of money, easy going DC.

Questionsforyou · 09/07/2023 20:23

I think it does depend on the baby most of all. both of mine have been pretty happy babies. Whereas I have friends with babies with cmpa or colic etc and it's harder to be chilled when your baby is unwell.
I have no family support, I had my mum with my first and that was amazing, but no longer. But I have a lovely husband and we are both quite laid-back people with the same views on parenting, and I think that helps. Money is very tight and we both work FT but he definitely does his fair share.
All my friends with lots of family support , anecdotally, are the least happy parents. I wonder if it's because they feel they need to achieve more (socially etc) that I just can't do- so don't even consider it ! And also they have more opinions being thrown at them.

Mumtothreegirlies · 09/07/2023 20:23

3ormoredogs · 09/07/2023 20:18

It’s strange as I found DC3 the easiest despite him being the only one with reflux and surviving on barely any sleep. He woke up every hour for about 6 weeks. All of mine have been okay but I have lots of help, a supportive partner and am pretty chilled generally.

I have two under 18 months plus DC1 so I now have no expectations and low standards. Shockingly I’m actually enjoying it 😄

The lots of help might be a huge part of why you’e enjoying it 😂

Samanabanana · 09/07/2023 20:25

I definitely think it's the baby. DC1 was an absolute dream of a baby/toddler and I found parenting an breeze. It's his fault we had DC2 and introduced all the chaos into our lives Grin

Sceptre86 · 09/07/2023 20:25

It's a lot of factors but temperament of baby and or parents is I think the biggest factor. I love it with 3 (aged 7, 5 nearly 6 and 1) work part time, supportive dh but no family support. I'm realistic though, don't hanker for my life before kids and touch wood so far at least am enjoying it.

BlueSoul · 09/07/2023 20:27

I had a very high needs baby and very minimal support. It was quite a shock to the system as all the babies in my family have been a breeze in comparison.

I spent the day with a friend and her 3 month old the other day and came away feeling quite sad that it could be so easy to care for a small baby as this was far from my experience.

It did get progressively easier over time though :)

Irequireausername · 09/07/2023 20:28

I can't say for sure but i'd say for us it's that our kid's temperaments are a lot like ours and we share similar interests etc.

They're just funny, happy, easy going kids. DH and I have always been quite relaxed and we really love our little unit.

But then I also think that a lot of people have kids but don't really like kids, have unresolved issues themselves, don't really value the family unit etc.

StampOnTheGround · 09/07/2023 20:30

For me it has been having a completely competent husband and daddy. He will do all the dirty work with me and doesn't use the excuse of working full time to not get stuck in, with the baby and the housework.

Since having DS, I had admitted to people it hasn't been anywhere near as hard as others have made out. I've since realised it's all because of the dad/husband I had chosen for my life. Incredibly lucky.

SilkTrees · 09/07/2023 20:31

There's no 'standard' experience of parenting, however much the baby manuals would have you think there is -- there's not just your baby's temperament, physical condition etc, there's your own temperament, health and MH, situation, age, life experience, the way you were parented yourself, everything that's led to you becoming the person you are, whether you have a supportive partner, other help and support etc.

Noting that other people find parenting easier or harder is just like noting that other people are different to you, and their babies are different to yours.

Fundays12 · 09/07/2023 20:36

I think it depends on a variety of factors including parents nature, family support around the parents (though I think this can be a negative as I have seen people become over reliant on it and not able to cope when the help is not there at a later date), nature of the child, care needs of the child (DC1 is nuerodiverse and needs far more support and help than dc2 and Dc3 put together do), financial situation, partner support etc. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and each child is different. DC1 was the easiest baby but omg from 20 months onward has been such hard work and exhausts is both. Dc2 was a very sick baby who cried a lot but is the most lovely natured, easy going 6 year old and Dc3 is just a bundle of fun energy.

mondaytosunday · 09/07/2023 20:37

Personality. My first was relatively easy - slept well, wasn't fussy. But man I found it boring and didn't really enjoy babyhood. I had friends who seemed to be born mothers - endless patience, loved spending hours entertaining their babies, happy to sacrifice time to themselves and devote it to their kids. Sure I took mine out every day, took him to Monkey Music and play centres and went to post natal class.... but it wasn't fun.

User1367349 · 09/07/2023 20:37

Some babies are massively more content, less colicky, fewer actual health issues, better sleepers. Anyone who thinks their content baby is a product of their own brilliance or selflessness actually deserves a kick up the backside.

MrsTwiggy · 09/07/2023 20:38

I think a million different things could factor into it, but temperament of the baby is a huge one imo. I have two hugely different babies. Both are absolutely lovely, but it's undeniable that one is massively easier than the other 😅

I will say that my first born, who was a very difficult baby, quickly became a pretty easy toddler imo all things considered. Really praying that this doesn't mean my delightful, chilled out, constantly smiling baby doesn't become a nightmare toddler 🤣

Overlyanxious · 09/07/2023 20:39

For me it's temperament/ baby starting life with a milk allergy causing him pain. It's made it all a lot harder.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 09/07/2023 20:39

Are you actually saying you’re less selfish than your friend because you can cope brilliantly and she can’t? Really you find it baffling that other people find it hard to cope? You don’t sound very selfless, you sound pretty arrogant to be honest.

As others have said there are a number of factors that affect how well you cope, your selflessness isn’t one of them. How we cope with stress is though, and everyone has different things that makes them stressed. It’s why not everyone can be nurses or teachers. It’s why some people take manual jobs vs office jobs. It’s why some people get their supermarket shop delivered.

User1367349 · 09/07/2023 20:39

Come back to me about selflessness when you are on night 12 of an admission with a sick kid attached to countless tubes and lines who will not sleep except in your arms.

WimpoleHat · 09/07/2023 20:45

NuffSaidSam · 09/07/2023 19:47

Temperament of the baby

Temperament of the parent (the anxious, like to be in control type will struggle more than the easy going, take it as it comes type).

Amount of help available (from the other parent/grandparents/friends/paid help etc)

General life circumstances - it's much easier to have a baby in a bigger space, in a safe area, if you have a cleaner/enough to eat/no financial worries etc.

I don't think it's anything to do with being selfish or selfless.

Another vote for this as the perfect answer. Depends on so much how any one person finds it.

Squidlette · 09/07/2023 20:46

Although neither baby slept, I found dc1 easier to cope with. Mainly because it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be and I quite enjoyed doing something new, after 8 years of career building.

2nd time was awful. 2 non sleepers, but obviously opposite to each other. Velcro baby. And it was just so fucking tedious second time round.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/07/2023 20:48

I found the baby and young child stage pretty straightforward with my three. I was pretty chilled and took things in my stride. My sil..and good friend..found that stage difficult. She hated disturbed sleep and taking the dc anywhere was a big deal. She got anxious easily and seemed always to be stressed.
Roll on the teen years and my ds went through a difficult wild stage. I could barely cope. I was so stressed. Sil loved the teen years and loved sitting listening to her teens and was great with advice even with my dc. She came into her own and never seemed stressed.

So l think personality tells a lot at each stage. I would never presume when they are young that each stage will present the same.

user14728317878988988688754 · 09/07/2023 20:52

I've always wondered this. I found having a baby very difficult despite having family support and a husband who did his fair share of childcare.

I just couldn't understand why I found it so difficult other than my baby being challenging. Whenever I told people why I found it hard they would just say well that's what babies do, which made me feel like an even worse parent.

Some of my friends have since had babies that are definitely more chilled than mine was e.g. sleeping in a pushchair when out (mine only slept in arms), happy to sit and watch the world go by (mine was crying if I averted my attention for one second), and the list goes on...And I do wonder if my experience would have been more positive if mine had had an easier temperament.

Helpisneeded100 · 09/07/2023 20:53

rtpp · 09/07/2023 19:42

Is it just the temperament of the baby? Or is it less selfish people find the transition easier?

I am on one side of coping and my close friend is on the other and it baffles me as to why this is.

Mmm…..how would your friend feel if she knew you think of her as a selfish mother?

I feel you need to be less judgmental about how other people cope with babies as every situation is different. I found my first time extremely challenging, mainly because my baby was still on 45 minute sleep cycles until they were 9 months old, can you imagine the sleep deprivation that comes with that? I had zero help!!! I did every night time waking and every day too. After 9monthsish, I managed to get them down at 7.30pm for a chunk of time but after midnight they were awake every 45mins to 1hr unless they were in bed with me. Which of course meant I didn’t sleep as I was so worried having the baby in bed with me. And before anyone asks cry it out did not work for us. We did try but baby would honestly go for hours without let up!!! Which anyone knows is stressful. Turns out my baby also had reflux, which really didn’t help either.

I guess what I’m saying is you might find it easy but you don’t have your friends baby or situation, so try to be less judgmental of her.

MadeofCheeese · 09/07/2023 20:53

My baby is very good. I'm not coping. I have no support apart from DH. Your post is a bit upsetting to those who are not coping when you are.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/07/2023 21:00

I didn't find the baby stage that hard. Both of them slept a bit, supportive husband, lots of friends at similar stages in life. Let my normal household and personal standards slip.....

However, I find some afternoons with my 3 year old and 8 year old quite painful. My patience for children is less than it was when they were babies. I love them but they drive me quite mad!