to wonder if this is why some people find parenting easier?

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Is it just the temperament of the baby? Or is it less selfish people find the transition easier?

I am on one side of coping and my close friend is on the other and it baffles me as to why this is.

I used to think my baby was difficult and I was more stressed than SIL and that's why I was finding it harder, DS was attached to me like Velcro our babies are weeks different in age. Until I was there one day, I had DS asleep on me DN was upstairs in her cot, I can't remember how old but we were both still on mat leave. DN woke up and screamed, sil was putting some washing in and her phone rang, I said do you want me to go? She said oh no just leave it they'll cry themself back to sleep in a bit which did happen after ten fifteen minutes, by which point DS was awake wanting to be fed and then having some play/tummy time, while DN stayed in the cot for another couple of hours.
I realise people make different choices, but I never rued my 'difficult' baby again, it was my choice to not let him cry it out and I don't regret it to this day.

It's all about temperament, I'm sure.

I had a very high needs, clingy, difficult DC1. I couldn't put him down. My friend had very easy going twins just the same age. Without doubt she had it easier than I did, even with two of them.

Luckily DC2 was a very easy going baby, as was DC3.

It depends on a lot of things. I had pnd with my first and wasted a lot of time over thinking and worrying. He also didn't sleep.

2nd was very poorly and I had a very active toddler so that was stressful too.

3rd had really bad reflux and by then eldest was at school so I found I had to be really organised juggling school runs, appointments, feeding and changing baby etc.

4th was prem and had quite a fixed routine. He always wanted feeding at 3pm precisely with his bottle warmed up which was a nightmare as I was picking up older 2 from school then. I remember I used to get to school early and the vicar from the church across the road let me use the kettle to warm his bottle. Apart from being very particular about feed times dc4 was happy to go with the flow and despite him having a lot of health problems it was a really happy time for all of us when he was a baby.

Dc5 was very chilled out. He spent a lot of his life in the baby area of soft play while I had 1 eye on dc3 tearing about in the older children's area while dc4 tried to follow him. I had 3 under 3.5 and 3 in nappies but it was actually less stressful than when I had 1 as I was so much more confident by then.

I was used to working on call overnight for my job on a very intensive rota. I and other friends who had the same tended to find the sleepless nights not too bad. It was much nicer waking up and strolling to the next room than to have to get dressed, don wellies and all kinds of gear and start calving a cow in the knowledge you had to work the next day and possibly be on call again the next night.

I was just following on the conversation, no offence intended

i had a stairgate too but it was unrelated to children following me to the loo as I had a downstairs loo

All so right!

I struggled so much with letting go of control and just accepting the chaos that a newborn brought.

I had lots of family help available and refused it as I felt I “should” be able to do it all by myself and in hindsight this was the STUPIDEST thing ever. But my MIL was the one to say to me washing/cleaning can wait and get some rest and it was a lightbulb moment. I now try and take things easier and not get bogged down.

For me I realised that I am fairly selfish and enjoy things like sleep, going out, travel and oh...just going to the loo or finishing a cup of tea without it going cold or not being a milk supply!

Im glad I had my colicky, refluxy, cry all the time, demanding baby first and then an easier one second. Didn’t give me any ideas that my pure luck might be down to my excellent parenting or ‘just being chilled out’.

I don’t know- I think it varies so much. 5 babies here- 2 have allergies and were more unsettled as wee ones. I’ve never found parenting hugely challenging. I like the busy days and the chaos of it all though.

Easier in what way?

Baby temperament, and the parents’. Some babies are much harder work than others, some parents are more resilient than others.

but for me the key thing is sleep. Dd slept awfully, for ages. Ds slept through from 6 weeks (although made up for it for years later on). The baby experience was just completely and utterly different. Neither were easy babies as such, but having had 7 hrs sleep rather than 4 interrupted 8 times made an enormous difference in how I felt able to cope.

I think baby/child temperament is a much bigger factor than most people imagine, or at least the combination of your temperament and your child's temperament. If I'd had DC2 first, I'd have thought I'd had this parenting thing pretty down. Same if both kids were like him. But DC1 is a whole different story and I find parenting him stressful and difficult.

We forget parenting is reciprocal and it's not just parents putting things in and shaping the child - the child's responses also shape the type of parent we are. I think the child's traits set against the parents traits can make a big difference to how intense/challenging/straightforward/joyful being a parent is.

Add in other factors like local support, the other parent (or lack thereof), the dynamic with other children, health, financial situation and things can be objectively easier or harder.

I did everything I was supposed to
Breastfeed till 2.
Co sleep
Never let cry
Nap in arms
Up every 36 minutes to feed until they weaned.

I've had nightmare toddler who got better after 3.

My neighbour moans that her 10 month old is exhausting her because she's teething.
She's the most content baby ever and literally never cries. The mother has half the week to herself and it actually irritates me when she moans .

This third child I'm going to do everything differently put in a cot, bottle feed etc and see if the experience is any better!

Both my children were the same and my family put it down to "BF and Co sleeping"

DC1 slept from day 1. She was sleeping 12 hours by 8 weeks. Never had any problems feeding or anything really. DC2 still a fairly decent sleeper but much more unreliable and a very different temperament and much much harder work. Children are all different .

I used to think I was hopeless at coping. Turned out DS had autism - so him waking for 40 mins every half hour right through the night every night, screaming his head off and refusing to eat anything was caused by neurodivergence not my inability to get him into a routine.But I was a new mum and had no idea at the time. In my sleep deprived state, I thought he never made eye contact and spat out the breast and went rigid when I picked him up because he didn't like me and had sussed me as the terrible mother I was.

His brother on the other hand, napped and fed and gurgled on cue.

So yes, I think it's all down to the baby.

DC1 was a nightmare because of reflux during lockdown; until they were diagnosed we would have a daily 8h+ screaming session from 6ish until they passed out. We both got diagnosed with PTSD and fully did not cope, felt like we were being gaslit by friends, family and the NHS.

DC2 much calmer, easier child but very sleep resistant and needs a lot from us physically and attention-wise, which is harder for a second. We're nonetheless coping significantly better, because it's never AS bad.

DH is very involved, always been a more or less 50/50 parent - took SPL etc. This week I had my first stint of solo parenting both and I sort've found it easier because I had to be super organised and didn't have any annoyance at dropped balls because they were all mine. I'm sure I'd burn out quite quickly if it were permanent, but I surprised myself with how easily I was able to just roll with it. Definitely easier the older they get though, looking forward to all the next stages to be honest!

Also interesting to see how it plays out over the long-term. My son was by far the most difficult in our NCT group and I used to secretly think I was a bit of a rubbish mum. But I stuck it out in terms of what I thought was the right way to do it - never let him cry, never gave him a bottle. Turned out he had really severe food allergies poor thing. He is now the most chilled and happy teen of any I know - really sensible and doing v well academically. It's lovely to look back and think "job well done" even if I didn't think that at the time and that maybe some of the calmness now comes from riding through that pain with him as a baby.

The temperament of the baby is one thing, maybe the main thing. DS was the happiest, most content baby. He slept through, 6 hours straight from 8 weeks. 8 hours by 12 weeks.
I was on my own, little support. I had MAT leave then returned part time.
Now, at 4, he still sleeps but he's full on from the moment he opens his eyes. He's clingy some days.
On my own, no support. Now working full time.
Without a doubt, I find it harder now.
I've had a lot to deal with mentally, i did have post natal anxiety but i dealt with it, depression over the last 3 years has been harder to overcome. physically I'm not as good as I had been.
I know friends dealing with things easier than me. They have partners, family support, work part time or not at all. But I spent time comparing myself in the past, I won't again. DS is happy and healthy. I'll struggle through the hard days with that thought pushing me along.

Meh, I was totally Mrs Uber capable with babies, toddlers, young children - the teenage years however have pushed me to levels of absolute distress at my inability to ‘deal with it’. I have a truly brilliant friend who seriously struggled when the kids were young - her kids as teenagers are phenomenally reasonable fantastic people and she laughs at my parenting attempts by comparison. Stop comparing, you can only do what you can do.

We don’t have any help with 2 under 3 and DH is often deployed. We live slightly closer to my parents now, around 2 hours, so my mum pops down now once a month to help out. The difference support just once a month is massive. If I had that once a week things would be an awful lot more manageable! I think support is really key.

^ This (although without the money!)

One thing I'll add, I never read any parenting books, websites, social media posts, I just wanted to crack on as I wanted. Made it so much easier than if I was flicking through a book to see if I was doing everything as I "should have " been.

In a family of two equally involved parents, it's sleep, how independent/not clingy baby is, grandparents' support.
I know two families where kids spend most of the week at the grandparents' including overnight. Not comparable to someone who never does.
Equally a baby that wakes up every few minutes or needs carrying all day is different to the one going off to play by herself for long periods of the time.

I never said I was the one who was coping….

I think it's a reason but not the only reason.
Easy child who sleeps well
Equal partner
Supportive friends and / or family
A chilled personality or super organised personality
Whether you have to work or not

Personally I found it easier having dc later in life as I'd done all the travelling etc in my youth and never really liked going out partying. I very rarely feel restricted by my dc.