to wonder if this is why some people find parenting easier?

[rtpp]

Is it just the temperament of the baby? Or is it less selfish people find the transition easier?

I am on one side of coping and my close friend is on the other and it baffles me as to why this is.

I'm sure the baby's temperament and the parents personalities make a huge difference, as does what else you're having to cope with at the same time eg additional children, financial stresses, relationship problems etc.
I think it's very hard to define selfish. If one of your 'selfish' traits was to eg have a bedroom in complete darkness and quiet to sleep, then that person might struggle more. If you're used to going running for an hour everyday parenting might be hard, but are you actually selfish? If you're vain or have body issues and now have a deflated balloon of a belly and thin hair and spots that's gonna impact more on you than the tomboy who has spent the last 5 years in leggings and TShirt.
Parenthood is a bit of a leveller. Things like PND of special needs doesn't discriminate snd can affect us all.

Loads of circumstantial things (finances, how much partner pulls weight, health, family support, friendship networks, to name but a few) but yes - temperament of the baby plays a huge part.

I had an ‘easy’ baby first time and I patted myself on the back for being such a naturally superb parent. I wondered why other people complained about babies and parenting being hard and concluded that it must be because they just weren’t as good at it as I was.

Then I had my second one and… well. Pride comes before a fall and all that. Let’s just say it turned out my superb parenting was 99% luck.

Me and my best friend were on vastly different sides at the same time in our lives age-wise with similarly difficult babies. But one coped like it was all a breeze and one had crippling PND. These are the reasons I can identify where we differed:

1- different temperaments of husbands (as well as different ages of husbands). One had a significantly older husband who was quite highly strung, one had a younger husband who was pretty chill (maybe too chill sometimes!)

2- different family attitudes to mental health. One had a family with quite open MH issues who talked about stuff, one had a buttoned up family with no MH issues ever acknowledged or discussed.

3- different lengths of relationship. One had been married over 12 years and were an incredibly established couple, very used to their dynamic. One had been married a year and only known her husband 2.5 years, less established and with less defined rules.

4- different family support/kids in family already. Vastly differing situations here for us both.

5- different general dispositions. One quite nervy and already had established links with MH help, one very much never having had MH issues before.

Probably other factors, but those are the main ones. I wonder if you can guess which of us had PND and which didn't, as what I've detailed above doesn't entirely fall with the one you'd think would have trouble for all categories. Showing it's a combination of factors.

@Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon i always wondered this! I’ve never gone for a wee with my dc there unless in a shopping centre.

This!

My twin niece and nephew were the perfect example. She was a watch and think baby, and he was a cry if you think about looking elsewhere baby.

I think previous experience and expectations are a big factor.

I had a tongue tied baby so breastfeeding wasn't easy at first. DV in the fourth trimester so I had to leave. Wouldn't be put down awake for five months. However, I was a young mother and had practically been a third parent to a sibling until I had my own. I think it may be harder for first time older parents after having 15+ years of freedom.

@MaxwellCat i bet you’re not a shit patent. Really, I’d bet quite a lot of money. All you can do is your best and I just know that that is enough. 💐

My SIL had a very chilled first baby. She found breast feeding a breeze, produced lots of milk and the baby slept for hours. She started a business advising women in deprived area of London on how to have a perfect baby too. Her second baby had extreme reflux, tongue tie, hated breast feeding and slept for ten minutes then woke and screamed for hours. She lived in a lovely area of London, had a husband who adored her and didn't need to worry about anything. She was absolutely exhausted. She was also a lot less smug. She got lucky with her first baby and not so lucky with her second.

It’s never one thing but a combination.

• I did GF method and so always slept which made a massive difference to my day to day.

-Lowish expectations about what I could do in a day. -Cast iron routine for misbehaviour with a script I would follow, and logical consequences that I always followed through - took reactions and emotions out of it AND meant the kids knew I meant what I said. That made parenting easy and meant that most of the time stuff was/is low level things. -On the same page as my husband and he is a helpful husband most of the time. -Always accepted childcare help eg grandparents and childminder. Never felt I had to do it all.

Dd 1 had colic and cried all the time. She was 12 weeks old the first time she slept 3 solid hours in a row and I woke feeling rested (then panicked she’d died). No family to help. I struggled. I’d read every book and was prepared but turned out Dd hadn’t read the books and had her own plans.

dtds 1-2 - twins plus toddler so exhausting and constant but they were premature and slept, woke, fed, slept. Far easier to cope when you’ve had sleep.

Some people just take for granted:

Babies that sleep
Babies that take bottles
Babies that will be put down
Free grandparent childcare
Family who take their kids out all the time
Kids who aren't car sick
Kids who get in the car seat or pram first time
Kids that sleep all night in their own bed
Money to pay for stuff
Partners who aren't abusive fuckin twats

Sadly I am not these people 😅🫣😳😳
But life is getting gradually easier, as DC gets older, and now I'm divorcing his dad .

All the above plus isolation is a key factor.

I live in a city, in a fairly close knit community. I could take DC to baby groups, parks, soft play, museums, child friendly cafes etc etc. As they've grown, friends are nearby so can do playdates a lot as we're all on neighbouring streets.

Compare to friends who live in a village 20m ish away - there are way fewer opportunities to observe other parents. You can't discuss problems or absorb ideas about what you do or don't want to do with your own kids. There's one pub and it's not child friendly. It's a harder experience because it's more isolated.

Its a lot of variables mums health, babies health, both getting a good nights sleep, both temperaments, relationship with babies dad, wider support networks, other factors, such as age of mum, standards of housework, any pets or other children to care for, health of parents and parents in law and extra pressure here or expectation to provide care, visitors to entertain, organisation etc etc.

DS was a brilliant easy baby but handwork when he got to school and easy as a teenager. DD was very handwork and demanding as a baby but a very easy toddler and child until she turned 12 or 13. She is 18 and still hard work.

Enjoy it while you can OP and try not to be judgemental the shoe could easily be on the other foot soon enough.

I think implying people struggle are more selfish and that’s where the problem lies is a horrible and totally incorrect statement. Smug parents with chilled babies then thinking they’re less selfish than their struggling friends is dickish.

I think there are lots of factors that affect this. My eldest DD was a breeze, slept amazingly, calm temperament, non demanding etc.
My youngest did not sleep for three years and is very clingy and demanding. He was also premature and I had a huge amount of anxiety and PTSD in relation to that which clearly affected things. He was exclusively breastfed and DD was formula fed.

Now she's a teen shes my hard child and my DS is the easy one

I think baby temperament plus a HUGE part (other factors do play a part but much less so).

people with easy first babies often have an AHA moment about their friends when they have a ‘trickier’ second baby eg more fussy. Lots of my friends have had bad sleepers second time round whereas they had unicorn babies first time (and thought it was just their excellent parenting making their baby happy)

I was always fine with my 1yos following me everywhere, including to the loo. It’s kind of what they are supposed to do. Didn’t stop them being independent etc when older. It was all fine.

Combination of things.

its a lot easier to care for a baby If you have supportive in laws, money in the bank, a nice spacious home with all the appliances you need and an easy contented baby VS
no support, little money, squashed small home with broken appliances and a difficult temperamental baby.

It’s strange as I found DC3 the easiest despite him being the only one with reflux and surviving on barely any sleep. He woke up every hour for about 6 weeks. All of mine have been okay but I have lots of help, a supportive partner and am pretty chilled generally.

I have two under 18 months plus DC1 so I now have no expectations and low standards. Shockingly I’m actually enjoying it 😄

@NuffSaidSam also expectations of parenthood.

A noticeable chunk of those who planned to have DC and couldn't wait found the reality very different and developed PND.

High expectations and challenging baby is a recipe for a very difficult time indeed.

All of this!!!

Ha I hate those businesses and insta accounts etc that are basically one woman who has an easy child and a heap of privilege claiming they've cracked the magic parenting code...

Lemme add to that, genuinely agog at the idea some people have peed alone.

Just not a thing my small child ever tolerated. If he could crawl back into my internal organs, he sometimes would have tried for the first three years.

@uhtredsonofuhtred1 (love the name !!), maybe you just weren’t chilled out enough like @KnitMePurlMe . If you were just chilled and let your 3rd to get on with a bit of benign neglect she wouldn’t have screamed for years etc etc . 🙄🙄🙄
I have three dcs and two were easy enough or “chilled “ , one didn’t sleep for around 4 years , I mean they woke every 45 mins screaming and yup we tried everything consistently….. exactly the same upbringing as other dcs , no stress around them , great birth etc .
I had/have absolutely zero family help (my in-laws actually cause work and are simply a drain and stressful - they’ve offer zero support whatsoever), my own family are completely hands off. It’s a different world if you don’t have family support. My dh and I are a real team though , it’s definitely been quite challenging at times but we have coped pretty well and I was regularly alone with all three under 5 so we are now extremely independent and self sufficient.

@Tinybrother

but I presume you didn’t mind so what’s your point? I was specifically talking about my neighbour who complains about her 1 year old doing this. In which case, a stair gate might make her life a little easier? Personally I didn’t want my 1 year old walking around upstairs as it wasn’t safe (my stairs are very steep) and yeah… i liked a peaceful piss so… 🤷‍♀️

Mine are older and also very independent.