to wonder if this is why some people find parenting easier?

[rtpp]

Is it just the temperament of the baby? Or is it less selfish people find the transition easier?

I am on one side of coping and my close friend is on the other and it baffles me as to why this is.

How well the baby sleeps is a HUGE factor. Both mine had allergies and reflux which meant they barely slept and seemed to either be feeding or crying all day long. One of my friends had a baby who if laid on the floor while friend picked up a hot drink would just go to sleep. I was gobamacked.

When I had my second I was on a FB group for babies born in the same month and one of the mum's got pregnant again fairly quickly. A few weeks later she was complaining that having previously put her baby down in the cot, saying goodnight and switching off the light and not hearing a peep for 11-12 hours he was suddenly waking several times during the night. I realised then why she'd been happy to be pregnant again - if it had been that easy for me I'd have had a football team!

I, for one, assumed you meant you were the one who was finding things tough, and wondering how your friend appeared to be managing better.

basically this

My daughter was a very easy baby and a really sweet sensible toddler, so I found the early years a breeze, even though I'm a single mum with an absolutely useless ex. I was just very lucky.

But I'm also not at all house-proud, have very much a "don't sweat the small stuff" mentality, so that definitely helped.

I also found having a puppy quite easy, but again I was incredibly lucky and our dog was an absolute diamond from the start. 😍

I realise it was luck though 😄

OP things are often not as they appear. If your friend is the one who is coping it doesn't mean she's finding it all sunshine and roses - some people are afraid to admit they're not coping well and will hide it very well. Or maybe she is breezing it, and if so good for her! It doesn't mean she's 'better' than you.

If it is you that's struggling, please be kind to yourself, get help in any form you can and remember the mn motto of 'this too shall pass.'

If it's your friend that is not coping and you're struggling to understand why, just be supportive and try not to feel smug - the thing about parenting is it's all phases and evolves over time. If you're smashing it now then honestly great, but it may not always be the case...

Another one who nearly broke with DS1 (turns out waking every 45 minutes for 9 months is (a) defined as torture for a reason and (b) linked to DS1 being autistic). DS2 slept like a dream by comparison (although nothing like as well as many of his baby friends…but being woken twice a night was bearable). Nothing to do with our parenting.

If it is any comfort, OP, DSs are now mid-late primary aged and I am blissfully happy about parenting them both (holding my breath slightly for teenagers but for now, they’re excellent).

I think temperament of the baby makes a difference, support generally for the mum, and also temperament of the mum.

@MaxwellCat you may find they’re not being entirely honest with you or perhaps even themselves.

I was a lone parent and though I could say that some things were easier alone, this really was only compared to having an absolutely useless OH. If you’re not in an abusive, high conflict or controlling situation then I think parenting when there is someone else around (even if they don’t help much) is easier than with no help at all.

But I do also think that telling people I didn’t mind and was happier alone was partly me convincing myself of that fact and that was pretty important for my mental health. That may be what’s happening when people tell you they’re happier as a single parent. Or it’s true because they have an ex who has the kids a lot of the time and so they get a break that they never used to have and actually enjoy it.

Been my mantra since day one. I have 3 x 20's . I can say honestly that we have never had a serious row. Love spending time together but also give them space now they are adults .. and I bloody loved the teenage years .. so going on many threads on here - for me and ex-DH/now DH (8 between us but none together ) it seemed to work for us all.

I have been a lone parent since my children were babies. It has been very stressful but largely due to the traumatic reasons why I am a lone parent, trying to juggle caring and providing for them financially alone alongside a demanding full time professional job, plus them both having significant health issues, and having zero family support.

Lack of sleep initially and some parts being dull and repetitive and not being able to have the freedom you had previously are par for the course so I think anybody would expect that and know that usually that is just a temporary thing for a very short proportion of their lives, so I don't think it's innately stressful in itself. It's all quite easy just tiring and relentless, as long as you don't have additional health worries in the mix, or can never have a break because their other parent and all family are useless like mine.

In a normal family setup with two adults to share caring and earning and/ or some family help it's not that difficult. A big change to life that you need to go into with your eyes open and realistic expectations, sure. But not really very hard in the big scheme of life, and obviously mixed with many moments of happiness and jov that makes the tiredness/ boredom aspects easier to manage.

There’s so many factors to it but yes, temperament of baby is a massive one! My first was a “would crawl back into my internal organs if he could” as a pp put it 🤣. My second is a textbook baby really, pretty chilled and independent, has always slept well. It makes a huge difference. I also think husband/partner bring on same page and supporting is a huge factor and not always one people discuss as they don't want to be disloyal or they make excuses for him about work etc. or they don’t realise he’s being unsupportive as they don’t realise what other fathers do and just accept it.

Sometimes it's babies temperament, sometimes it's about support network, mental bandwidth of the parents, or even parents expectation of how they'll parent their children.

My eldest DD was an easy baby, but my expectations of parenting were a lot more simple than the ones I have 15 years later with her brother. I attachment parent with the youngest. At just shy of 15 months, he doesn't like being put down, sleeps next to me, and has maybe napped without being held 5 times in his life. It is hard. Much harder than how I did it before.

SO many factors:

• temperament of the baby. My eldest is 4.5 now and my youngest is 4m. Both such quiet, happy babies who have been happy to sit in their bouncers and watch the world go by, and will sleep where they drop (play mat, their own bed, buggy, on us, in bouncer…). Both are good sleepers (though obviously with the baby that could still change) and we barely hear a peep from either during the night (it takes my oldest until about 8.30 or 9pm to go to sleep but that’s another story!).
• temperament of the parents. Both of us are quite chilled/laid back and just accept it if we don’t get ‘an evening’ (no biggie, just read a book for half an hour with some tea and chocolate and then go to bed), or don’t sleep that well (I was a chronic insomniac way before I had children so haven’t seen much difference really. Fitbit regularly shows 3-4 hours’ sleep and did pre-kids too; anything above 5 hours and I feel decidedly bouncy!).
• formula feeding from day 1. I didn’t want to breastfeed so I didn’t. This gave everyone a clear routine from the start and also probably has helped both children sleep better…making it easier in a lot of respects.
• support from others. Both sets of grandparents live abroad so we don’t have that but both boys went/will go to crèche from 6mo and because they were both born in the Netherlands we also had incredible continuity of care during pregnancy (same midwife throughout both pregnancies and deliveries) as well as a postnatal assistant at home for one week after each birth. My parents are still very fit/mobile and able/willing to travel so they do visit every few months for a few days or even as much as 2 weeks and help substantially during that time. Ditto with us visiting them. My in-laws don’t travel but we go to them for weeks at a time (I teach so get long holidays and my husband can WFH) and they help a lot with the children too (my MIL is looking after them as we speak).
• in relation to the OP’s original point, I think to an extent actually being more selfish can help make parenting feel easier in some respects. I was always determined that I was still a person in my own right even though I was becoming a parent and I have stuck by that. I regularly go out to the cinema late in the evening after the children have gone to bed, for instance; my eldest is used to this and will say at bedtime “don’t be late for your film mummy” and literally wave me off. Equally I have had weekends away with friends, without my children, from when my eldest was very young, and prioritised weight loss after having my children (through e.g. long walks with the buggy, dieting, leaving the kids with my husband for 1 hour each weekend to go to a personal trainer). I think it’s so important to maintain a strong sense of personal identity/self after having kids so that you can actually be a better parent (by having more energy to devote positively to your children).
• obviously money helps with the above too. We are not mega rich but do prioritise spending on things for ourselves (e.g. cinema, personal trainer, weekends away) as well as things for our children (e.g. after school club, crèche, weekend activities/days out that we go on with them).

I had also been a teacher for 10 years before having my eldest…maybe that makes it easier too?!
I’m not going to say I always find parenting easy or that I am the perfect parent or anything (AT ALL) but knowing to an extent what to expect of kids before you have them is somewhat handy.

And oh yes…culture. We are a Franco-British family and the French expectation is very much that the kids fit around the parents…not the other way around. So maybe that helps too.

I think there are probably lots of different factors. My mum found it relatively easy when we were babies, but she also says that this was because a) we were all fairly good sleepers, b) she already had a lot of experience of looking after babies before we were born, c) all three of her birth experiences were relatively straightforward, d) my dad was more supportive and hands-on than most dads where in those days and e) she was lucky that she wasn't hit with post-natal depression. I think experience, luck, support and the personalities and health of parent and baby have a massive impact. One of my friends had zero experience of babies when she had her first, had an unsupportive husband, a traumatic birth experience and a baby who was a terrible sleeper, and she had a really, really hard time for the first two years.

So many different factors and it's not all about the temperament of the baby (or the mum!) either. Finances, work, family support, mental health, location (the opportunities and activities close by)...it all plays a part in how easy your daily life is and consequently how happy and 'easy' you find parenting.

I think one of the things I struggle with is my need to be organised and in control. It's really counter productive as I just put myself off doing things sometimes. A lot of the happy mums I see are the 'wing it' types who don't overthink about everything they need and all the possible complications...they just get on with stuff and deal with issues if they arise. I often see mums at festivals with babies and think how I can't think of anything worse but actually it would be really lovely if you were the type of person who didn't worry and just lived in the moment. Went off on a bit of a tangent there!!!

A whole range of things - and it's not constant .

I struggled with a new born, DS was born early, struggled to gain weight, suffered colic, wouldn't sleep etc and I struggled with the transition from full time work into time alone with a small baby.

Once DS moved to solids, put on weight, started sleeping he was so much easier to deal with . Meanwhile I relaxed into motherhood and found older childhood and teens very easy . Having just the one child and working PT probably helped!