Why can’t people mind their own f*cking business

[Verycross39]

Why do people think it’s ok to ask nosey questions about other people’s medical issues? Why can’t people just stay out of things that are personal and nothing to do with them? 😞

I’m dreading going back to work tomorrow. It’s an office environment (legal services) and I work as part of a close knit team. I started here 10 months ago and enjoy it apart from them.

I have a problem which is very visible. I had a nasty accident several years ago and have a damaged iris and damaged pupil in one eye. It’s not a circle anymore and it looks dreadful. I’m not posting a picture as it’s too outing but I’ve posted a picture below which is very similar so it makes a bit more sense. My eyes are just about as light blue as you possible so it makes it very obvious. When people talk to to me I can see them looking at my eye.

I don’t expect people not to look. It’s obvious and people are naturally drawn to look at something different. But I’m exhausted with the non stop questions about it. How did it happen? What’s wrong with it? Can I see? Will it get better? Will it always look so freaky? Then there’s the jokes about how it looks a freaky shape and they were visibly grossed out by it. Big exclamations of ‘ewww that’s so freaky!’ And constantly wanting to look at it to close. It happens surprisingly often when talking to people but it’s particularly annoying at work.

I’m in my late 30s and I’ve never felt so upset and self conscious as I do now. It’s like being back in school over 20 years ago. I asked our office manager to tell them to stop making such a thing of it but it’s continued and it’s all just ‘banter’. AIBU to wonder why people can’t just butt out of things especially something like this where it’s very obvious something very wrong has happened? I’ve got a friend with a visible birthmark who experiences similar problems. I imagine people with other visible disabilities will sadly experience similar

Why can’t people just stop being so awful ffs.

Not my eye but this is exactly how my eye looks except my iris is light blue.

it’s especially frustrating as it’s obviously something wrong, it’s not like people are just complimenting something like having blue eyes or long hair. It’s very obviously a medical issue (in my case, from an accident) so why people feel it’s appropriate to comment or ask questions is beyond me.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've found this organisation very useful. They run a variety of training courses which I've used in the past.

ooops! Link would help :)

It’s crap, I have scars from self injury, ok I get that they were my own fault I’m a sense, but I was a mess at 16. The stares, laughing, pointing, moving kids away from me is horrendous. I wear cardigans and trousers and year round and just melt.

In your situation I’d tackle it head first. Call out anyone making jokes about it and ask if they’d like to have a chat with HR.

https://www.changingfaces.org.uk/

I have a visible scar on my face and have spent my life trying to pretend other people looking and asking about it doesn’t bother me. I sympathise.

Im sorry to read this. Would it be possible at all to wear a coloured contact lens to match your non-injured eye?

I think people have less of a filter at the moment. It’s rude.

But as it’s likely to keep happening you need to work out ways to deal with it. Probably a variety of ways depending on how it’s asked. So, you can have a very long OTT story about a shark attack that when you finish with you immediately and firmly change the topic for people who should know better to ask. For some people ‘did no one ever teach you it wasn’t polite to ask questions about people’s appearance? Then for people who say it’s freaky spelling it out to them like they are a toddler ‘have you thought about what it feels like to me when you call me freaky- that’s not very kind and it makes me feel sad.’ Have different responses ready for different situations. Pre-empt new starters with ‘yes my eye looks different, no I’m not dying, it’s none of your business, would you like tea or coffee?

All if this takes an amount of emotional effort so I would suggest some therapy to help with that. However, I suspect that if you present a firm sarcastic approach to questions you’ll start to get less, at least from your colleagues. It’s not great that the office manager doesn’t have a quiet work with everyone to get them to stop.

When people make comments to my ds on his disability (physical but quite an obvious weird part of a limb) he's learn to say

"Shit ...... there's something odd with my leg?! So glad you told me".

Then change the subject.

He's found it shuts people up better then saying you don't want to talk about it etc as then they just say they were just asking.

Sorry you're experiencing this. People definitely have less filter nowadays and everyone's "just saying" 🙄

If you have been working there for 10 months and they are still not over it then there is something seriously wrong with your colleagues! I am so sorry that this is happening to you, and that your management are not taking you seriously.

I always told my daughters if somebody walks around with a visible difference, it's because they have to. I have a slight visible difference that people often ask me if I can 'just get it fixed.' Wow, I never thought of that, silly me! (No, I can't!)
I feel your pain OP. My daughter has self harm scars and bless her she has a range of witty comebacks, for adults and kids.
Why do you have those marks?

• I didn't eat my vegetables
• I fought a tiger
• what marks? Arrgh how did they get there?!

But she shouldn't have to. People can be dicks, even if they are just saying!'

Good grief, that is terrible behaviour OP and not remotely acceptable as ‘banter’.

In general, try not to let the behaviour of Neanderthal fuckwits affect you. I have a Dc with a noticeable difference and they treat stupidity as beneath contempt and let it slide off into the gutter.

But I know it takes emotional energy to do that.

You sound at the end of your ether with it (understandably). How would it be if you expressed that? Had an outburst and said what you think and how the constant comments wear you down, and you should be able to be part of a team without being called a freak?

Sorry your going through this.

If you would like the eye to be covered, have you looked at maybe a cosmetic contact lens?

If you’ve been under a hospital eye department then they could recommend where to get this done

I hear you but on the flip side, people complain when people stare at them a little longer than normal because of a physical difference. Many people state they wish curious people would ask and not just stare.

As you said, people are naturally drawn to looking at something or someone that presents in a way that is a minority. It doesn’t make it right, it is just human behaviour.

Maybe more focus is required in the early years that people come in many shapes, sizes and appearances.

That said,
What you are experiencing is not acceptable. It is rude, nasty and bullying. It is not banter at all.

The next time someone says “eww, freaky” perhaps you could respond with “I’m surprised you are so shocked at my eye when you live with that face day in day out”
Banter and all that!

You shouldn’t have put up with it but people like this won’t understand any other way.

Sorry to hear you have been treated so poorly OP.

This 'banter', isn't banter. If, as a result of their words you are feeling embarrassed, humiliated, and generally undermined - then it's bullying!.
The saying in my organisation is 'its not the intent of the perpetrators that is the issue. It is the effect of their conduct upon the recipient '.
Someone from HR needs to be having a quiet chat with these clowns.

I totally get it op. I have rosacea and am sick of people who know me well to know thay I always have a read tace saying 'you've caught the sun' or 'are you a bit hot'. I wouldn't dream of drawing attention to something about someone's appearance.

That is so bloody rude. I'm sorry the people you work with have no manners and that you have to deal with that!

That’s truly awful that they do this to you, it’s not banter, it’s hurting your feelings and rightly so. I would bring it up to manager or hr as it could be seen as bullying if they have continued to do it after they were told not to. I know people who were fired for a lot less than this.

you shouldn’t have to hide it, people are so rude

You really shouldn't have to but I think some short sharp sentences that cut off the conversation will be the better option, with the back up of going to HR if they don't stop, because these are all adults and should know bloody better!

• I prefer not to talk about it actually!
• isn't it a bit rude to ask questions like that?
• would you like it if I constantly questioned you and made comments about your appearance?

Oh and the Mumsnet classic

• Did you mean to be that rude?

I hear you OP. I have a very visible scar on my head and if that wasn't enough for people to comment on or question me about, I also have the joy of uneven pupils (one permanently pin prick and one permanently dilated). I'm at the age now where I just respond with "none of your business" and ignore any further questions.

There are some good suggestions for comebacks on here.

Very stressful dealing with mannerless oiks every day 😞.

How about lightly tinted lenses? Or Reactolites or similar would do. I don't know if you experience any discomfort from e.g. bright light into the eye so could be a double win.

My colleague wore Kojak-style mirrored glasses for a while after eye damage from an operation. He looked really cool!

So rude and full sympathies. I was on growth hormone as a child - and am still petite. I had a period at work in a new department of constant snipes about my height and a particular woman who called out ‘hello little person’ every morning until I demanded she stop. I also slammed a desk with my hand and asked another female to stop making rude comments. It’s appalling that grown adults can be so rude and frankly it is not banter. I am afraid of HR are not being supportive you will have to verbally stand up for yourself. Best wishes to you.

I just ignore it OP or am brutally honest & make them wince, they tend to go a bit white when I tell them how my eye was injured.
I have never met anyone who has a similar looking injury to me - so Hiiii nice to meet you 👋
😁

I hear you but on the flip side, people complain when people stare at them a little longer than normal because of a physical difference. Many people state they wish curious people would ask and not just stare.

It's not the asking that's the problem IME it's how the question is asked. There is a huge difference between "What's wrong with your eyes/ How did you get that scar?" and " I hope you don't mind me asking but....". If I'm asked politely then I will share details but if I'm asked point blank then that person can jog on.