Why can’t people mind their own f*cking business

[Verycross39]

Why do people think it’s ok to ask nosey questions about other people’s medical issues? Why can’t people just stay out of things that are personal and nothing to do with them? 😞

I’m dreading going back to work tomorrow. It’s an office environment (legal services) and I work as part of a close knit team. I started here 10 months ago and enjoy it apart from them.

I have a problem which is very visible. I had a nasty accident several years ago and have a damaged iris and damaged pupil in one eye. It’s not a circle anymore and it looks dreadful. I’m not posting a picture as it’s too outing but I’ve posted a picture below which is very similar so it makes a bit more sense. My eyes are just about as light blue as you possible so it makes it very obvious. When people talk to to me I can see them looking at my eye.

I don’t expect people not to look. It’s obvious and people are naturally drawn to look at something different. But I’m exhausted with the non stop questions about it. How did it happen? What’s wrong with it? Can I see? Will it get better? Will it always look so freaky? Then there’s the jokes about how it looks a freaky shape and they were visibly grossed out by it. Big exclamations of ‘ewww that’s so freaky!’ And constantly wanting to look at it to close. It happens surprisingly often when talking to people but it’s particularly annoying at work.

I’m in my late 30s and I’ve never felt so upset and self conscious as I do now. It’s like being back in school over 20 years ago. I asked our office manager to tell them to stop making such a thing of it but it’s continued and it’s all just ‘banter’. AIBU to wonder why people can’t just butt out of things especially something like this where it’s very obvious something very wrong has happened? I’ve got a friend with a visible birthmark who experiences similar problems. I imagine people with other visible disabilities will sadly experience similar

Why can’t people just stop being so awful ffs.

These are good.

I'm sorry you're going through this, people are dicks. My MIL constantly rings my mum (who has brain cancer) since her diagnosis, to ask all sorts of stupid and intrusive questions about it. Not because she remotely cares about her, but just so she can satisfy her own nosiness and gossip about things. She didn't phone her once in the 10 years before this diagnosis. If she cared about her, MIL would respect the fact my mum doesn't actually want to talk about it at all.

I don't know if there's a word for people like this but they're not very nice human beings.

You should not have to put up with this at work. If it upsets you, the recipient, then it is not banter (hate that word as it's usually used by people who are offending others, to try and defend their words).

Please go to your manager again the next time someone says something. Record instances of what was said, when and by who for a while if you like to have even more ammo. The manager should be shutting this down.

Asking once when you joined, ok. Not continually mentioning it.

I have a horrendous skin condition that in really embarrassed and self conscious about. People comment or look disgusted. So many people have a go, often under the guise of ‘well it like contagious what is it ?’

Low point recently was being asked leave soft play as other parents complained and they thought I had ‘something infective or chicken pox’

Interesting to read this, @Verycross39 - many years ago a woman in my team clearly had one glass eye, and I never felt able to mention it, pretended I didn’t notice. I have always felt a bit ashamed of not asking, but you know, you get to the point where you haven’t mentioned something for so long you‘ve kind of missed the opportunity. I was always curious, but thought it would be rude to ask. AFAIK nobody else on the team ever asked her about it either.

YANBU, obviously. People don't mind their own business because are just so full of shit.

This, with bells on! You work with some seriously immature people who are bullies. I would start logging every comment, report it to HR and start looking for another job.

I assume people are trying to ‘normalise’ it and not be ‘weird’ about it – iyswim – so clumsy and inept rather than being deliberately rude. (Although who knows – you do get some idiots eh).

Agree YANBU – particularly as you’ve approached your employer and communicated that it’s not ok. You shouldn’t be expected to tolerate it.

That's awful.
Why are people so rude? I just don't get it. Maybe I'm old now (late 40s) but we were brought up that it's rude to stare and it's rude to comment on people's personal appearance.
I feel like they are doing this deliberately perhaps to get a rise. It's bullying really. Asking once when you first joined out of some kind of misplaced curiosity could be forgiven. But not making jokes about it and constantly going on about it.
I would suggest one of two strategies:
a) you talk to HR and say that all jokes/questions etc about your eye are to stop immediately OR
b) completely ignore and comments - don't answer, change the subject, walk away whatever.

I had a dental issue which I have now had corrected with cosmetic treatment - people were more subtle than it sounds like these people are being to you. BUT there were constant nasty digs, mentioning of dentists and so on and so forth. I chose to completely ignore. I'd pretend I hadn't heard the comment at all and only the most brazen would repeat their comment and again I'd ignore. Normally this would stop that particular person from commenting ever again.
A lot of people are shits and actually take pleasure in upsetting someone.

Fucking hell, OP, I'm raging for you.
What the fuck is wrong with people???

I have an older relative who was born with a cleft palate. She was born in 1941 so there wasn't the operations that are available today.

It's fairly mild and really just looks like a small scar.

She's always been quiet and unassuming perhaps out of feeling self conscious when younger.

I've been with her years ago when people have suggested she could have plastic surgery. Just randomly inserted into the conversation!

I'm mouth almighty so was able to shut them up whilst my lovely relative sat there embarrassed at the persons rudeness.

I would take it to a higher level as companies are aware that personal comments in the workplace can lead to them being sued.

I love a bit of banter and self depreciation and Mickey taking with people I know well but this is clearly not the case and they are being disrespectful to you.

They’re being incredibly rude and insensitive, OP. Many years ago, a relative got engaged to someone with a similar problem. My mum told me in advance of meeting them so I was aware and so I didn’t inadvertently stare. Other relatives were also pre-warned.

I can’t understand why any adult would think it ok to ask intrusive questions. It’s not banter at all. It’s discriminatory, insensitive and rude. HR should be doing more to stop this.

I had fairly extensive surgery to my face on one side due to skin cancer. They did a fab job of rebuilding my face but I do have scarring and unfortunately my left eye is now smaller than my right eye.

I'm aware it's probably noticeable but so far no one has remarked on either the scarring or the eye.

My brother was born with a cleft palate and he had to put up with some horrible remarks when he was a youngster. Kids you can understand being hurtful but not adults.

I can't believe that adults would actually think it's ok to ask how anyone got a scar or whatever...some pp saying they understand that they'd ask early on, but should be over it by now...no, I can't imagine asking. Of course I'd idly wonder and no doubt someone would tell me if I really wanted to know but that's incredibly rude. I'd also take it further with HR if it's really bothering you.

You have my sympathy OP. I am disabled with rheumatoid and osteoarthritis and use a walking stick and I get fed up with total strangers asking me 'What have you done then?'. When I say 'Nothing,I have arthritis' they say 'Oh you're too young to be disabled'. Ffs I'm nearly 60! And does disability have an age limit?!

I'm sorry OP. I know it's shitty (i have a facial scar).
You absolutely should not have to put up with it.
A friend of mine has an obvious eye issue after badly damaging his eye on a garden pole. I don't think people go on about it like your lot seem too tho.
They're clearly a weird bunch at your work, can you move department's or seats to get away from them?

Who on earth has voted YABU to this?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. They're being very rude and insensitive.

Are they the same work colleagues asking you over and over- or new staff? Either way, it must be awful.

It sounds like some really are dicks OP. What did management say when you spoke to them? If I was a new staff member there- I'll be honest, I too would to be curious about what happened, whether you could see out of it and whether wearing a contact would cover it- but I'd never ask you about it though. I'd keep my thoughts to myself.

Your workplace sounds awful and there's is no way that these comments are banter , it's work place bullying plain and simple and I'd tell them that too. Your comments about my eye make me uncomfortable so please stop mentioning it.

I'm gobsmacked at the 10% who voted YABU!

'Keep it up sunshine, I am taking notes for my workplace bullying lawsuit, you will be paying off my mortgage' springs to my mind as a response. If HR don't like it tell them it's just banter.

Sorry to hear that, OP. Many people are no longer brought up to have tact and manners. For a decade I have had a double whammy on my face - an ivory osteoma on my forehead that looks like half a marble, and a massive purple "tattoo" scar on my nose (it has gravel in it and my nose had to be sewn back on after an accident). The doctor did a fantastic job but there is a bit of my nose missing which makes me look like I have been chewed by a rat.

Everywhere I go, people comment. Like in Boots the other day a lady said "Oh love, what happened to your nose?", so I told the lady. Or yesterday when a delivery man said "Pet, you have a nasty bump on your head". I told him what it is. When this first happened, I was really self-conscious and upset by it, but now - not at all. I don't think most people mean to be nasty. It is human nature unfortunately ,to notice difference. Best wishes to you.

I can't believe that people are commenting. I was brought up to never mention any physical thing that was out of the ordinary - unless of course if the person concerned talked to you about it. I can't get over your colleagues and I think your manager or HR should do something.

A woman at my work was having treatment for cancer. She wanted to forget about her cancer treatment when she was at work and didn't want people to keep mentioning it and asking how she was. A message was sent around by her manager, with her permission, saying what the cancer was, that she was having treatment and had an excellent prognosis and so on. It asked us to please not raise the matter with her. As far as I know, only one drunken buffoon raised the matter once and if looks from his colleagues could have killed, he'd have been lying there dead. (She made a full recovery and that was years ago.)

People are insensitive dicks basically.

They'll be OP's workmates.
Can't believe anyone thinks it's ok to make these kinds of comments - and repeatedly.
Fuck's sake - if someone has a visible disability/scar/dental issue/eye damage they'll tell you about it if they want you to know. Otherwise you fucking keep your gob shut. I don't buy all this "people are only curious" or whatever type bullshit.
Idiots

I am sorry about it.

However, if this continues for 10 months, it is likely that it is your reaction that keeps the questioning and banter going. You don't say how you respond apart from complaining to the manager. You should find a way to respond that will stop the unpleasantness. The majority of people are 1. not that bad 2. only change when they have to. It is up to you to change the things. I would suggest something, but I don't know your work environment well enough.