Why can’t people mind their own f*cking business

[Verycross39]

Why do people think it’s ok to ask nosey questions about other people’s medical issues? Why can’t people just stay out of things that are personal and nothing to do with them? 😞

I’m dreading going back to work tomorrow. It’s an office environment (legal services) and I work as part of a close knit team. I started here 10 months ago and enjoy it apart from them.

I have a problem which is very visible. I had a nasty accident several years ago and have a damaged iris and damaged pupil in one eye. It’s not a circle anymore and it looks dreadful. I’m not posting a picture as it’s too outing but I’ve posted a picture below which is very similar so it makes a bit more sense. My eyes are just about as light blue as you possible so it makes it very obvious. When people talk to to me I can see them looking at my eye.

I don’t expect people not to look. It’s obvious and people are naturally drawn to look at something different. But I’m exhausted with the non stop questions about it. How did it happen? What’s wrong with it? Can I see? Will it get better? Will it always look so freaky? Then there’s the jokes about how it looks a freaky shape and they were visibly grossed out by it. Big exclamations of ‘ewww that’s so freaky!’ And constantly wanting to look at it to close. It happens surprisingly often when talking to people but it’s particularly annoying at work.

I’m in my late 30s and I’ve never felt so upset and self conscious as I do now. It’s like being back in school over 20 years ago. I asked our office manager to tell them to stop making such a thing of it but it’s continued and it’s all just ‘banter’. AIBU to wonder why people can’t just butt out of things especially something like this where it’s very obvious something very wrong has happened? I’ve got a friend with a visible birthmark who experiences similar problems. I imagine people with other visible disabilities will sadly experience similar

Why can’t people just stop being so awful ffs.

A friend has only half of his right arm (born that way) he has really elaberate stories depending on how people ask and what mood he's in from nail biting to shark attack

Contact lenses are normally only funded by the NHS where the condition cannot be managed successfully with glasses. Ocular prosthetics is different obviously as not a vision issue.

Asking questions is one (tiresome) thing, saying it's 'freaky' and being 'grossed out' are quite another. Jesus what is wrong with people.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this OP and that your crappy boss hasn't put a stop to it. Can you speak to HR or go over your managers head? You shouldn't have to put up with that at all. It does sound though like you work with awful people, I couldn't put up with it and if even my manager didn't have my back I'd be looking for a new job. I have a bit of a rubbishy job but it's the people who make it and I am completely confident that no one would behave like the people you work with - and if someone did then our manager would be putting a stop to it immediately.

An old friend of mine has a visible but unusual medical condition - thoroughly fed up with new people's reactions and dreading going through all the looks/qs/comments when she started university, she created business cards not unlike the "yes I am tall" example shown

The one for uni had a fair bit of attitude ('It's called x' [answers to the top 3 Qs] 'if you want to know more, Google it. It's not my job to educate you...' And ending with 'did no one tell you it's rude to stare?'

These days she has one that she uses professionally - that has less attitude and her work contact details on the other side - and another for personal interactions - which is mostly things to do with her kids.
Twice she's created joke versions that were posted on fb/sent to friends & family with the replies she wishes she could give to the rudest questions 🤣🤣

This is a huge bugbear of mine OP, people are so rude to ask about your appearance.

When I was 10 I became jaundiced and it was discovered that I had an hereditary blood disorder, nothing that affected me too much healthwise but until I had a splenectomy when I was 32 which corrected it, it was frequently commented on by friends and strangers of all ages. One of the most common questions was “do you know that your eyes are yellow?”

Even though my eyes are white and my skin is a normal shade now the feeling of always being self conscious and always waiting for someone to comment negatively on my appearance has never left me and even after 20 years of looking normal I still tend to shy away from people.

My son unfortunately inherited the disorder and thankfully didn’t have to wait as long for surgery as I did, he had it when he was 17, but I remember him coming home one day when he was 14 and being upset that a shop assistant had said that he needed to watch how much he was drinking (he was in school uniform and has always looked young for his age anyway) because it looked like he’d got liver failure.

I went through the checkouts yesterday at a supermarket, and was served by a man who had a very visible hearing aid. I'd never have commented on that, but made sure I was looking at him when I spoke so he could lip read.

The next thing I know he's commenting on my personal appearance! I was buying quite a bit, and multiples of each item, but no alcohol. He correctly assumed it was for a business and asked what sort (fine), asked if it was my business (fine, the answer is yes, and I built it from nothing), and then went "oh you look really young so I thought it must be your parents business".

I'm in my 30s!

He was probably unaware that I look the way I do due to a disability - it's a rare condition - but fuck my life because a man with a visible disability ought to know better than to comment on someone else's body.

Before anyone says "take it as a compliment" - it's not. It was an assumption that because of my appearance, my achievements cannot possibly be my own.

I'd never in a million years think to ask someone about a physical mark/issue and ask how it happened or what it is. If the person brought it up, then fair enough but otherwise it's none of my business.

About 7 years ago my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's and had a very visible facial tremor. His lower jaw would wobble and almost 'swing' from side to side. Thankfully meds have helped massively but I noticed how people would stare and treat him differently. I'd turn into an angry bear if anyone said anything and was often quite rude back. Probably not the right way to deal with it but it was part of me processing what was happening.

I guess your options are to try style it out, ignore it or confront it and make it equally awkward for the person asking. For example if someone asks you could say 'why do you ask?' And when they tell you, point out that it's not good manners to ask personal questions like that.

Or you could try the angry bear approach! This is along the lines of 'What are you staring at? Would you like me to stare at YOU??? (Hard stare). 😙

@ThisIsntDanicaBritannica

'I fought with a tiger'.

I LOVE that! ❤️

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, some people are such rude pricks

Perhaps, when someone starts being rude, you could give them a funny look and bring their flaws into the conversation, see how they like that.

I went back to work after 3 months and diagnosis of a rare condition. I explained it in the staff meeting and gave the salient info and said if there was anything I needed I would ask for it.

No one weedled along with awkward questions after that like how it affected me etc. Maybe just get an all staff email sent round before or something. I realise that might sound abhorrent but it honestly does shut people up - there was one guy who wasn't in my team and he did keep asking. No one else ever mentioned it.

Your employer's response to this is very poor Op, to refer to it as 'just banter' is not good enough as it is upsetting you. Can you go over the head of your office manager to their manager, your own manager or HR?

This behaviour is likely to constitute bullying or even harassment, a professional organisation (especially one providing legal services) should understand that.

If I had a pound for every time someone asked 'what's the matter with' my disabled DS, as if entitled to know the ins & outs of his condition and history, I'd be a millionaire.

These days I usually just respond that he has 'wonderful boy syndrome'. If - as sometimes happens - they still keep going: 'What's really wrong with him?' I just say 'It's complicated' and stare at them.

I’ve been disabled all my life - very visibly. I’ve found that people fall into two categories. Those that are genuinely interested and want to know how to help you best, and those who are just nosey/take pleasure in mocking. To the first group I try to explain as much as I can about how I’m affected, and that most of the time I can manage. To the second group, I find that ‘fuck off and mind your own business’ is a complete sentence and usually the only one you need.

I’ve had this too. I’ve made light of things when I really don’t feel like explaining, but I’m astounded at how persistent some people can be. I’d just say ‘what’s really wrong with him is between me, him and the medical professionals involved’. With a hard stare.

This is good advice OP. The Equality Act will give you the relevant information as to what is and is not acceptable, and this most definitely is not. Report it to HR if you have one, or ask for a one to one with your manager and explain that what’s happening is making you uncomfortable and you want it to stop. Disability is a protected characteristic under the Act and your employer needs to know that they have a responsibility to comply and ensure your welfare while at work.

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