Why can’t people mind their own f*cking business

[Verycross39]

Why do people think it’s ok to ask nosey questions about other people’s medical issues? Why can’t people just stay out of things that are personal and nothing to do with them? 😞

I’m dreading going back to work tomorrow. It’s an office environment (legal services) and I work as part of a close knit team. I started here 10 months ago and enjoy it apart from them.

I have a problem which is very visible. I had a nasty accident several years ago and have a damaged iris and damaged pupil in one eye. It’s not a circle anymore and it looks dreadful. I’m not posting a picture as it’s too outing but I’ve posted a picture below which is very similar so it makes a bit more sense. My eyes are just about as light blue as you possible so it makes it very obvious. When people talk to to me I can see them looking at my eye.

I don’t expect people not to look. It’s obvious and people are naturally drawn to look at something different. But I’m exhausted with the non stop questions about it. How did it happen? What’s wrong with it? Can I see? Will it get better? Will it always look so freaky? Then there’s the jokes about how it looks a freaky shape and they were visibly grossed out by it. Big exclamations of ‘ewww that’s so freaky!’ And constantly wanting to look at it to close. It happens surprisingly often when talking to people but it’s particularly annoying at work.

I’m in my late 30s and I’ve never felt so upset and self conscious as I do now. It’s like being back in school over 20 years ago. I asked our office manager to tell them to stop making such a thing of it but it’s continued and it’s all just ‘banter’. AIBU to wonder why people can’t just butt out of things especially something like this where it’s very obvious something very wrong has happened? I’ve got a friend with a visible birthmark who experiences similar problems. I imagine people with other visible disabilities will sadly experience similar

Why can’t people just stop being so awful ffs.

I'm so genuinely sorry you're going through this @Verycross39 Some people are absolutely fucking twats they really are ... total arsehats. I wouldn't dream of commenting on what anybody looks like or how they look - or if there's anything about them that looks slightly unusual to me...

My good friend's husband actually starts to go grey in his early 20s and he left it like that - and it looked fine! He never dyed it, and honestly, he would be able to buy Buckingham Palace, if he'd had a tenner for every time somebody has said 'your hair's grey isn't it?' and 'you're far too young to have grey hair' and (even worse) 'you're too young to have grey hair you must dye it! It looks awful!' Absolute fucking cheek! Who do they think they are?!

It just really pisses me off, and I don't know why people have to poke their sticky beak into other people's business, and comment on how anybody looks or if there's anything that they deem a little bit 'unusual' looking (to them!)

If anybody says 'what's wrong with your eye?' just say 'what a personal question! That's so rude to ask!' and turn your back on them !!! Seriously look in the mirror say it over and over. repeat it repeat it repeat it !!! And say it every time some rude cunt comments on your eye.

Also, as some posters have said, go to HR about this, because it IS bullying.

I'm with ya on this I have a visible chronic progressive condition and the stupid questions get so annoying not just the cosmetic side but the chronic progressive side. People just don't seem to grasp its not fixable and will often comment if iv had surgery or something and say so are you better now or if I have a hospital appointment they will comment, isn't it about time they sorted that out yet. I don't get it if someone had diabetes you wouldn't say are you better yet or why haven't they fixed it. Sorry made that about myself but it's so annoying

@Verycross39

Does the 'damage' have a name? I think it's really beautiful! I'm sorry people have made you feel it's not.

I'm sorry you're upset by them.

i can understand people being curious & asking how it happened etc

BUT I cannot believe that actual adults saw Eww/Freaky etc. How ridiculous.

would you feel confident enough to say something like 'it happened when
I was x years old, xyz explanation of how, yes I can see perfectly fine/it distorts my vision, no it can't be 'restored', it does/doesn't bother me. Any other questions?? Right, now can we just ignore it please, I'm fed up with the comments about something so personal.

i have a few scars & I understand people staring at them (human nature) & I don't mind people asking about them, but I'd very much mind people saying it was freaky or saying Ewwww.

It is definitely not banter, and it is very rude.
can you look up ‘the catchpoles’ on social media/instagram? A brilliant woman called Lucy Catchpole who is disabled has actually put together some little business cards for people to hand out when they are asked intrusive questions. Because, as we can see from this discussion , it is sadly all too common!
don’t know if they will be any use to you at work (to be honest if a manager has asked them to stop and they are continuing… they sound like right bellends). But it’s a good idea …

For me personally, I have an interest in anything medical/science-based and would think it was really interesting/unique as I've never seen or heard of anything like this before, the image you showed made me think of a canyon/scenery reflected in the eye at first!

However (and this is the point that the people in question are clearly failing to grasp)
I would never ever make any comment on it if I met someone with this in person unless they brought it up first because I have zero obligation to know anything whatsoever! For all I know it could cause that person immense pain to talk about it and I would be devastated if I had caused that simply by being (in my mind, not theirs) ignorantly curious.

It is just common decency and I'm shocked so many people don't even think to consider your feelings. If someone in a wheelchair came up to you, you wouldn't say 'Ooh what's wrong with you? What makes you need the wheelchair? Will you get better or are you like that forever now?' 🤦‍♀️
It's natural to be curious but you don't verbalise it unless you're invited to by that person and they seem comfortable discussing it.

So sorry you're dealing with this OP. Like another commenter said I would just have a ready-made response that will immediately shut down any further comments.

I’m sorry OP. I had a life changing surgery a few years ago and people pointing it out makes me feel really self conscious. I’ve learned to be rude back. If someone asks me what happened I will share with them, unless they are a stranger in which case I find saying ‘I don’t know you’ puts them back in their box, but if anyone says anything rude I will be rude back. ‘Wow that was a shitty thing to say’ ‘I don’t know you well enough to get into my personal business with you’ ‘I find what you’re saying pretty rude, so I’m going back to my work now’…I garantee these shitty people being rude to you probably have something you could point out about their appearance.
and FYI most of us with physical differences DONT WANT curious people asking us. It’s none of anyone’s fucking business. I would NEVER ask someone why they are physically disabled or have a physical injury.

Maybe you could print some of these cards off?

https://whathappenedtoyou.co.uk/cards/

OP you can have a contact lens to cover it and it is available on the NHS.

Otherwise just say it's congental.

It is not the OP's fault, and nothing she is doing is legitimating this bullying. Because that's what this is, It's only 'banter' if the OP also thinks it is.

OP, what did your manager supposedly do when you brought it up? Do you feel able to approach HR?

"Why does it matter what happened to my eye? Do you know how rude you're being?" Rinse and repeat.
Put them in their place and they'll stop. So sorry op, people are arseholes.

If your manager is being crap at insisting they don’t talk about it, I’d get her involved. So poor of him/her. 😢

To be fair that is a quite unusual injury. It probably makes you very look interesting and unique in my opinion. Don't worry about the people at work. They won't notice it for long, it will very quickly just be you xx

Once again in these ‘hashtag bekind’ times, I find it extraordinary that the concern and respect shown to various minority groups doesn’t seem to apply to the disabled community. Even minor differences all seem to be up for discussion despite the discomfort they cause. And yes, I do think it’s time people minded their own business.

I'm sorry you are going this, OP. They are extremely rude to keep on mentioning it.
I can sympathise as I have horrible eczema on my neck and hands and quite often people like comment and tell me how awful it looks....
People are so thoughtless at times

I would never ever say anything! I would probably be interested, but would never say anything out loud. What is wrong with people 🤦🏻‍♀️

Who said it was banter the manager? id go higher fed up of people being rude and busive fobbing it off as banter

My mam use to just say 'I had an accident', she would say it 3 times regardless of phrasing of the question (they would just keep asking again and again in different ways) and if people continued to pressure her she hit them with her cane.

In her defense she can't get away when cornered due to severely limited movement and the 'where theres blame theres a claim' people in town where aggressively persistent and it was every single time we went out. It was basically an on going assault of intimidation and harassment over years and she lost all patients for it. No on ever seemed to have sympathy for the nosy invasive twats getting thwacked either.

It did work too, it only took one hit for them to instantly back off.

That makes it all ok then?

I will say theres also I think a divide in the disabled community.

I know many people who will not and do not want to talk about their disabilities however I know others that like to think themselves activist and spout 'you should just ask' as they like to 'enlighten' people about their disabilities.

In uni there was a lot of the latter and they told me I was 'wrong' when I pointed out not everyone like to be repetitively quizzed on it so its not wise to spread the message of just going up to people and asking whats 'wrong' with them... it seems as my disability is invisible the discounted my opinions on it (despite me also having been a carer all my life for someone who HATED to be asked).

You can get a hand painted prosthetic contact lens made to exactly match the other eye (including pale colours). Obviously people shouldn't comment but since the OP herself says "it looks dreadful" it might be an option.

Sympathies, OP.

It shouldn't be happening at all. I used to have a stock phrase for the more puerile comments I'd get about a less noticeable disfigurement I was born with.

In my case it was a birthmark and only visible when swimming. I'd get comments like "eeww you pooped down the back of your leg". I'd say "last time I heard that kind of comment it was in primary school".

I eventually had it removed, and when the same "friend" asked why I had been off sick, I told her it was to remove the birthmark that she'd been so fascinated by. She had the grace to blush at least.

I was also going to suggest Changing Faces too. I have a cleft lip and palate, and even though I’m almost 50, I am still so worn out by people (and patients at work) asking what happened to me. It never becomes easier. And I am still as self conscious as I was when I was at school. I feel you!

I would love to know the circumstances under which lenses for adults are funded by the NHS, mine aren't & haven't been since I finished University (they were before this).
Mine are so expensive in comparison to what others I know of pay

I have a thing with one of my eyes that used to attract attention in a similar way, and I understand how intrusive it is when someone stops mid-sentence and peers into your face.

I'm older and need varifocals now and for some reason people seldom see beyond the frames--so I don't really get comments anymore.

They aren't coloured or anything just a special lens so I can see a bit