Why can’t people mind their own f*cking business

[Verycross39]

Why do people think it’s ok to ask nosey questions about other people’s medical issues? Why can’t people just stay out of things that are personal and nothing to do with them? 😞

I’m dreading going back to work tomorrow. It’s an office environment (legal services) and I work as part of a close knit team. I started here 10 months ago and enjoy it apart from them.

I have a problem which is very visible. I had a nasty accident several years ago and have a damaged iris and damaged pupil in one eye. It’s not a circle anymore and it looks dreadful. I’m not posting a picture as it’s too outing but I’ve posted a picture below which is very similar so it makes a bit more sense. My eyes are just about as light blue as you possible so it makes it very obvious. When people talk to to me I can see them looking at my eye.

I don’t expect people not to look. It’s obvious and people are naturally drawn to look at something different. But I’m exhausted with the non stop questions about it. How did it happen? What’s wrong with it? Can I see? Will it get better? Will it always look so freaky? Then there’s the jokes about how it looks a freaky shape and they were visibly grossed out by it. Big exclamations of ‘ewww that’s so freaky!’ And constantly wanting to look at it to close. It happens surprisingly often when talking to people but it’s particularly annoying at work.

I’m in my late 30s and I’ve never felt so upset and self conscious as I do now. It’s like being back in school over 20 years ago. I asked our office manager to tell them to stop making such a thing of it but it’s continued and it’s all just ‘banter’. AIBU to wonder why people can’t just butt out of things especially something like this where it’s very obvious something very wrong has happened? I’ve got a friend with a visible birthmark who experiences similar problems. I imagine people with other visible disabilities will sadly experience similar

Why can’t people just stop being so awful ffs.

People are utter twats with no sense of tact or manners. I'm sorry you have been going through this. Your colleagues sound shitty.

Fucking hell OP, that's awful. I could nearly excuse someone saying something stupid once, as we all have those moments in some shape or form, but sustained comments are unbelievable.

Would you have it in you to state them out and say "I find the sustained comments about my eye very upsetting and rude. I don't comment on anyone else's appearance so I don't know why you so insensitively comment on mine. It is not banter since I don't find it funny in the slightest." And then stare them out?

Your manager really should be supporting you in this.

Depending on how big your law firm is if sort of be tempted to ask for an article to be posted on your office intranet, not just about you but about other disabilities visible or non visible and maybe if you felt comfortable to have your name and photos and others - would this come under inclusion?

A large bank recently where I interviewed had an article with a disabled (cent recall if he was blind but think he was) worker and possibly others who are disabled on their intranet or with links to it. He stated why he WFH, what systems were in place to help him, how he was better able to do Teams calls and other work but it showed his colleagues, clients, anyone with a disability wanting to work for this company etc just how much they inclusive they were, or tried to be.

I do think it’s human nature, curiously etc to look at someone who has a noticeable difference in their looks and it takes a very strong character to actually deal with and/or deflect comments and stares. Years ago I worked for a music membership company and one of the employees was a young woman who had her arms removed just above her elbows - not sure why, no one ever asked but she was very visible and walked around the office carrying files and speaking to people, as she should do! It helped that she was very pretty (I always wondered how she styled her hair or put makeup on as both were flawless!). Her DM worked there very high up and I think helped her DD get a job there, plus if anyone had made an unpleasant comment it’d soon get beck to the DM. I sometimes wonder what happened to her as she was a very pleasant woman.

The thing is, someone else in my department had been in the Clapham rail disaster, I can’t recall if she had seen it in another carriage or had been in the crash. She wasn’t injured but was deeply affected and I think chose to get buses or drive and changed her job because of this crash. I think mentally she was really affected but of course in those days triggering and even therapy weren’t really a thing. You were expected to get on with things. I only learned about what happened to her when I spoke to her as her DF was my parents mechanic. I’d sort of call that a hidden not disability as such but it was hidden.

I don't think people have necessarily got ruder. Perhaps more that they ask rather than just stare and point, which I think is worse.
Dd was born missing her hand. If she has short sleeves on walking up the street, then people turn to look at her, and nudge each other and point. In some cases come for a closer look. This has always been the case, and we're talking about adults as well as children.

She also says it's normally about the second question anyone asks her. However it does give her an easy ice breaker to make friends, which at times is helpful.

I have an appearance which is that of a semi visible disability - caused by disability but people sometimes just think I have an odd shaped body, and comment.

My go-to response is usually "do you often ask strangers about their medical history?" The answer is always an immediate backtracking, but if it wasn't "no? So why are you asking me then?" will suffice.

If asked about scars I'll come up with a nonsense story - clearly surgical scars are told as being the result of saving a small child from the jaws of a lion while on my gap year.

But she has to work with that lot, so its not easy.

It's just downright rudeness. Sorry you're having to deal with people like that. I would never ask people questions like that.

@purplewolfie That looks like a great resource, thank you.

@Verycross39 The actress Daniela Ruah has very distinctive eyes due to a birthmark on the white and iris of one eye. Lots of close ups online, and she sometimes talks about negative reactions to it in interviews. In case having a very visible and glamorous kindred spirit helps!

More practically, if it's a general problem, can you talk to HR, so they can arrange site-wide training?

I used to have a colleague like this. We have a few children in our school with obvious disabilities and she could never help herself. No-one liked her.

"It is something I am not prepared to discuss"

Some people are just arseholes OP.

The same type of people ask women why haven't they got any kids yet.

I initially thought about this too. But then I thought why should she have to? People should stop being dicks instead.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you @Verycross39 . If it's continuing to happen at work I would be getting HR involved I think.

A good rule of thumb in life is to never comment on people’s physicality - complementary or otherwise. I like to view bodies as just the physical thing that carries ‘us’ around. I have toes but I am not toes. I have fat but I am not fat. Etc. The bodies that carry us around come in all colours, shapes and sizes. Let’s just accept that and get to know each other for the ‘us’ inside.

Hang on, are you actually blaming OP for her colleagues being arseholes?

Find another job. The reaction of your manager is awful. Not all people or workplaces are like that.

Really sorry you have this happening to you, OP.

Some good 'come backs' here, but I'd also re-iterate with HR if you can. People will not realise how upsetting it is. That's on them, but it's affecting you. It's the kind of thing that should be covered by disability discrimination laws etc, so I'd be inclined to use wording like that to scare the HR people into some action and lay down the law with colleagues. If they are day-to-day colleagues in an office there is no excuse for not understanding what you need to be happy working there - I can understand if you were client facing you can't control what they do or say, but with your colleagues - they should have your back and support you. There's plenty of other stuff to joke about.

I wonder what would happen if you asked them in return what had happened to their nose? What with it being really long and pointy and sticking itself into other people's business. Absolute arseholes.

I know it's not on the same level at all, but I used to have a colleague who was always asking personal questions about my finances like how much did my house cost, how much did my husband earn etc. I started just making up nonsense answers - my house cost 50p, my husband earns £5 million pounds a year. He soon got the message and stopped.

I do agree that you should document all the comments and take it further if it continues. It's not ok at all.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. My DB was in an accident as a teenager and, despite multiple surgeries, still bears considerable facial scarring. I think you should go to either HR or your line manager and lay
it on the line that either a stop is put to the comments or you will be taking legal action; Could it constitute constructive dismissal?

You have worked there for 10 months and they are still talking about your eye? That is bullying not banter. They can’t possibly need any more information and to comment on how it looks is just plain nasty. Insist on your boss doing something about it. They sound awful.

Would you be up for a fairly loud announcement or a round-robin email saying that no, it is not banter, it is bullying, it upsets you, and you feel they should all have got over it by now? Followed up, if they don't get it, by a formal complaint to HR of workplace bullying?

100% Yanbu!! Some people are just so incredibly thick and had bad parenting which lead to no manners. I was also taught to use my common sense but sadly this isn’t the case for many.

@Verycross39 everytime just ask why do you want to know?
It gives you thinking time and makes them realise they’re being nosy.

Who the fuck is voting YABU?

Mind you, there are utter arseholes out there in real life, as illustrated by the OP and many others, so I suppose a few of them are going to pop up on here!

Yep this. ^

Yep this. ^