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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this stop you from dating someone/ give the ick?

281 replies

Rossannah · 08/07/2023 22:04

Sorry for the title, I didn't know how else to word it. I'm 38, single and have late primary aged children.

I know this guy, have known him for a while and last night at an event got chatting. Prior to this, I knew very little about him, just to say hi.
After we got chatting, I realised I was very attracted to him, he's not my usual type physically but is really nice looking, funny and completely different to my previous preconceptions about him.
We flirted all night and he asked if we could go out just the two of us (a date?!) We have texted all day, very flirty and I was really looking forward to it.
I facebooked him.
His profile is kind of semi private, there is info there.

He is 33.
There is a profile picture of children, 6 of them, they look aged between 2 and 14, it was uploaded in March. Don't know if it's old or not.
He has an new photo uploaded 2 weeks ago. Of a new baby. Brand new.
From the comments and further digging, this is his grandchild, born 3 weeks ago.
We have not talked specifics about children other than, yes we have them.
I don't know why but it has knocked me right off him. I don't know now if the youngest (2year old) in the profile photo is his child or grandchild. I don't know how many children are his, how many mums etc. It just looks so chaotic now and not something I want to get involved with. But I really like him. I'm pretending to be asleep so I don't have to answer him but we were supposed to be going for Sunday lunch tomorrow
Would this put you off a person?

OP posts:
PeloMom · 09/07/2023 08:32

You need to verify the facts with him. If the above is correct (6 kids + grandkid) I’d be out of there.

Lessonsinbiology · 09/07/2023 08:35

Go on the second date, find out more but you are right to be cautious. If it's true and he does have 6 kids and a grand child, it would be a very clear no from me. Way too complicated.

LobsterCrab · 09/07/2023 09:07

Sorry but this would definitely put me off him.

EmmaEmerald · 09/07/2023 10:00

Are you older than him OP?
I am dating a much much younger man and have banged on endlessly about how he's not getting a penny out of me, I think that's probably wise.

1 kid would be a deal breaker for me, I've been single more than a decade. 6 kids sounds like utter chaos.

N15 · 09/07/2023 10:33

How can you be sure of these facts from a photo on social media? Could they be nieces/nephews/god children/an ex partners children? The maths makes the facts you have presented somewhat unlikely. Why not meet and ask him in person?

CecilyP · 09/07/2023 10:45

Rossannah · 08/07/2023 23:00

I'm not sure which bit is bugging me.
6 kids with one wife- he has a good job and if they are all his, looks like he is involved
6 kids with 6 women? Not for me
A grandad at that age? Not something I would wish for but it is out of his control what his child does.
All together - It does sound chaotic and that is not something I have ever personally had in my own life and not sure I want to start now.
However we had such a good fun night and I would like a repeat of that. It is a bit clouded now though

I think it more likely a blended family. One of my neighbours became a ‘grandad’ at 33 but he was married to a woman (still is) 8 years older than him and her 19 year old daughter had a baby, so could be something like that.

You’ll have to go on this date so you find out the full story. Then you’ll have to report back!

IncognitoMam · 09/07/2023 10:48

Hope you have fun even if he isn't a keeper

IncognitoMam · 09/07/2023 10:50

CecilyP · 09/07/2023 10:45

I think it more likely a blended family. One of my neighbours became a ‘grandad’ at 33 but he was married to a woman (still is) 8 years older than him and her 19 year old daughter had a baby, so could be something like that.

You’ll have to go on this date so you find out the full story. Then you’ll have to report back!

Show quote history

Yes could be? I call dsgcs my dgcs and they're my dsd's.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/07/2023 10:57

He sounds as if he's a walking episode of Jeremy Kyle.

This. I’m sorry but who has six kids? And a grandchild in their 30s FFS. He sounds completely feckless. Are the family travellers?

People are being weirdly tolerant and falling over themselves to justify this, but it sounds highly dysfunctional.

Yeah you should go along to the lunch to bottom this out. But I can’t believe people think it’s normal to have families where everyone is dropping kids all the time without consideration for their support or the quality of their lives. It’s completely Victorian.

CecilyP · 09/07/2023 10:59

IncognitoMam · 09/07/2023 10:50

Yes could be? I call dsgcs my dgcs and they're my dsd's.

Show quote history

It definitely sounded very odd when the toddler called this young man grandad!

IncognitoMam · 09/07/2023 11:07

CecilyP · 09/07/2023 10:59

It definitely sounded very odd when the toddler called this young man grandad!

Show quote history

I'm getting on a bit so ok for me 😂 I do look younger though so sometimes people think they're mine.

DoNotUnderstandWhy · 09/07/2023 11:14

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/07/2023 10:57

He sounds as if he's a walking episode of Jeremy Kyle.

This. I’m sorry but who has six kids? And a grandchild in their 30s FFS. He sounds completely feckless. Are the family travellers?

People are being weirdly tolerant and falling over themselves to justify this, but it sounds highly dysfunctional.

Yeah you should go along to the lunch to bottom this out. But I can’t believe people think it’s normal to have families where everyone is dropping kids all the time without consideration for their support or the quality of their lives. It’s completely Victorian.

I know. It's weird how many people are defending children in their mid-teens becoming parents like it's not indicative of something really dysfunctional.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/07/2023 11:25

@DoNotUnderstandWhy

I know. It's weird how many people are defending children in their mid-teens becoming parents like it's not indicative of something really dysfunctional.

It’s one thing when it happens as a mistake and the mum decides to keep the child. But the idea that it’s completely normal to start having kids in you teens and keep popping them out is pretty fucked up.

Young pregnancies and large families correlate with deprivation, poverty and a range of poor health outcomes. Carrying on as if it were totally normal is basically endorsing massively self destructive behaviour.

MummaEllie · 09/07/2023 11:27

Rossannah · 09/07/2023 01:07

He is very very good looking, think David beckham in his day, Jamie redknapp, Mark Wright, I don't know who the moden day equivalent is 🤣
I am more normal looking, I would never approach a man who looks like him. I'm more a Tyrone or Kirk from Corrie kinda gal. I think he's completely out of my league. And I'm wondering why he has shown an interest in me

Show quote history

It sounds to me like you have very little confidence in yourself and are making excuses to why he would be interested in you.

I think you are being very harsh from one meeting and a Facebook stalk.
Go and listen to his story, find out about him and not judge him. He may be very well prepared to support himself.

I met a guy who was 34 and had 6 children. I didn't know this when we first met but he started to tell his story and it was actually something very special. He had met his true love when he was very young and she had a 6month old baby. He took that child on as his own and then went on to have his own children with this lady. They had 1 set of twins, and two other children. There relationship ended a year before I met him and he said there relationship grew apart because of how young they met, their interests changed and they no longer felt completely compatible. He provided for his children and never asked anything from me.
GIVE THIS MAN A FAIR CHANCE.

Allow your guard to be down and feel worthy of being loved by an attractive man, put yourself out there to get to know other peoples journeys in life. He's not asking for marriage, he's asking for a date.
You never know.. he may think he's punching above standards with you and that your stunning. Love is in the eye of the beholder.

The worst that could happen is you find out he's not your type and you both go separate ways. Or you could have a lovely friendship, or relationship.

EmmaEmerald · 09/07/2023 11:29

MummaEllie it's not so much a question of how it happened but more the reality of his life.

Mylefttoe · 09/07/2023 11:35

He lives at home with his mum?
How many of them could be younger siblings of his? Given that you say they look like him.

I think that plenty of reasonable explanations for a photo of multiple kids have been given.

Go with an open mind. Get to know him and find out what the situation is before writing him off.

MummaEllie · 09/07/2023 11:37

So you wouldn't give him a chance because the reality of his life is he has 6kids. I'm confused on your comment

maddiemookins16mum · 09/07/2023 12:05

All sounds a bit grim and messy (if true).

wineschmine · 09/07/2023 12:06

@Rossannah Impressions from social media can be wrong.....but it doesn't look good.

I would say your options are: a) cancel lunch and don't waste your time

B) Go to lunch with your eyes wide open and if it goes well, consider a friends with benefits set up for a while if it tickles your fancy.

Whichever way you cut it, 6 kids and a grandkid, I doubt he's going to have the time for a relationship (and if he does, he's not being a decent dad) and also I doubt he'd have the money. You'd end up having to pay for everything, which isn't good.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 09/07/2023 12:09

Impressions from social media can be wrong.....but it doesn't look good.

Well, quite.

My mother has my dogs down as grandchildren on her FB, so there might be an explanation for his grandchild as well.

Augend23 · 09/07/2023 12:11

No harm in going for lunch. Fair enough to wonder and to make sure you ask. Not sure spending the entire night ruminating has been a worthwhile exercise though.

TammyJones · 09/07/2023 12:15

Did you go for lunch?

QueenBitch666 · 09/07/2023 12:35

billy1966 · 09/07/2023 08:19

OP,

You sound as if you have cop on so listen to your gut.

He sounds as if he's a walking episode of Jeremy Kyle.

The step parenting board and AIBU are full of tales of women getting used as solvent skivvy au pair for some man.

6 children at 33 is not someone a lot of women would be interested in entertaining no matter what they look like.

Living at home?🙄

Have lunch to get the full story for sport and entertainment value for posters, but I really wouldn't be wasting your time beyond that.

Also, it's shallow, but I would definitely judge any woman getting involved with a 33 year old grandad with 6 children.

Cringe.

This. He sounds chavvy and highly unattractive 🤮
I'd run a mile

Nimbus9000 · 09/07/2023 12:55

A grandad at 33 😂 Run like the wind OP.

Leverageup · 09/07/2023 13:00

This does scream baby drama. Are you unfair to bot give him the benefit of the doubt? Possibly but on e the ick has been got, it cannot be ungot.

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