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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this stop you from dating someone/ give the ick?

281 replies

Rossannah · 08/07/2023 22:04

Sorry for the title, I didn't know how else to word it. I'm 38, single and have late primary aged children.

I know this guy, have known him for a while and last night at an event got chatting. Prior to this, I knew very little about him, just to say hi.
After we got chatting, I realised I was very attracted to him, he's not my usual type physically but is really nice looking, funny and completely different to my previous preconceptions about him.
We flirted all night and he asked if we could go out just the two of us (a date?!) We have texted all day, very flirty and I was really looking forward to it.
I facebooked him.
His profile is kind of semi private, there is info there.

He is 33.
There is a profile picture of children, 6 of them, they look aged between 2 and 14, it was uploaded in March. Don't know if it's old or not.
He has an new photo uploaded 2 weeks ago. Of a new baby. Brand new.
From the comments and further digging, this is his grandchild, born 3 weeks ago.
We have not talked specifics about children other than, yes we have them.
I don't know why but it has knocked me right off him. I don't know now if the youngest (2year old) in the profile photo is his child or grandchild. I don't know how many children are his, how many mums etc. It just looks so chaotic now and not something I want to get involved with. But I really like him. I'm pretending to be asleep so I don't have to answer him but we were supposed to be going for Sunday lunch tomorrow
Would this put you off a person?

OP posts:
Spartak · 09/07/2023 01:56

Could it be his step daughter that's had a baby?

I've got a friend who took on his wife's 6 year old when he was 21. Wife is 4 years older than him.

Maybe a nice chap that's not abandoned his relationship with his step-kids. You won't know unless you spend some time with him.

Original poster
Rossannah · 09/07/2023 02:01

It looks very much as though all 6 are his tbh. You'd have to see it to know what I mean. If me shocked if some are nieces/ nephews

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 09/07/2023 02:03

Your first instincts about him are usually right.

How many DC do you have? Think of them first.

He is a walking red flag.
A bunch of kids
Lives with his mum

He's likely broke from paying for all those kids.

Also a bit thick for obviously not using condoms and never thinking to have the snip after number 2 or 3.

Hopefully he doesn't have stds from being around so much and not caring about protection.

He'll be hoping you have a nice house with extra rooms so he can move in, you can help with his childcare, and also help him pay for them.

And yes men are calculating like that.

MayThe4th · 09/07/2023 02:04

Personally I think that he should run a mile.

Original poster
Rossannah · 09/07/2023 02:06

Rossannah · 09/07/2023 02:01

It looks very much as though all 6 are his tbh. You'd have to see it to know what I mean. If me shocked if some are nieces/ nephews

I'd be shocked etc
Had a wee sherry 🍷

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 09/07/2023 02:10

RantyAnty · 09/07/2023 02:03

Your first instincts about him are usually right.

How many DC do you have? Think of them first.

He is a walking red flag.
A bunch of kids
Lives with his mum

He's likely broke from paying for all those kids.

Also a bit thick for obviously not using condoms and never thinking to have the snip after number 2 or 3.

Hopefully he doesn't have stds from being around so much and not caring about protection.

He'll be hoping you have a nice house with extra rooms so he can move in, you can help with his childcare, and also help him pay for them.

And yes men are calculating like that.

Or maybe he has a big family of nieces and nephews. And it’s Sunday lunch, he’s hardly asked to move in.

the one with the red flags is the OP, making snap judgements based on a picture she knows absolutely nothing about

ukgot2pot · 09/07/2023 03:15

Does he have an instagram or anything? Maybe try and find out before you meet him tomorrow what the situation is. The last thing you want to be doing is sitting there knowing it's not going to go anywhere whilst you both make small talk.

On the other hand, if you're bored and fancy a bit of fun, you could go and see what happens?

SunSurfSand · 09/07/2023 03:40

He didn't ask to move in or marry you.

You're getting really far ahead of yourself.

Just go on a date- pay 50/50 - and see if you have a good time.

Dating is where you work out whether you are compatible. Not internet research!

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 09/07/2023 04:18

TBH, I'd go to find out if they are all his children and grandchildren.
I think that unless he's a super super high earner, it's irresponsible to have that many kids.
How can he adequately support them? That would make me think, this man is not responsible, even less so that he has had so many children that he's living with his mother at 33.
Tbh I know it oftentimes happens after a relationship break down, men move in with their mothers until they get back on their feet- but that leads me to question whether he's broken up with a partner very recently or whether he's just planted at his mums until baby no7s mum makes an appearance.

We're good earners, both make a lot more than 2k per month, but we've considered our 3rd child quite heavily, and I think that by the time he was on his 3rd/4th, definitely by the 5th he would have been aware that he was directly taking away from what he could provide his existing children.

Also, slightly judgemental, I apologise but as a young parent myself- I became a mother at 17, I felt that it was part of parenting my eldest well, that she would expect more put of life than to be a teenage parent herself. She knows that she is the best decision I've ever made in my life and I wouldn't change that I had her, but having children before building a life is hard, and a mixture of that and guilt that I'd be taking away from her meant that I missed out on so many things young adults do. She looks forward to those milestones and is quite adamant that she's going to have some life for herself before she's got the commitments of children. I'd wonder how one of his children has had a child so young.

He might be lovely, but he wouldn't be for me.

Ilovetea33 · 09/07/2023 04:24

It's only lunch, FGS. Stop being such a wet blanket.

honeyandfizz · 09/07/2023 05:35

You have made a hell of a lot of assumptions. Pity he can't see what you're posting then maybe he would run for the hills! Unclench op, see it as a meal out with somebody you find interesting and attractive then decide. All this talk of cocklodgers etc is a massive leap....enjoy the meal.

daisychain01 · 09/07/2023 05:53

Rossannah · 08/07/2023 22:28

I think I will go tomorrow. I am doing nothing else and I am intrigued to his story.
I think I feel a bit preyed upon tbh, he is lovely looking, like a model and I am thinking that he has had so many women and now has designs on me to be a cocklodger. If he was single and childless, he'd never have looked at me twice. Is he looking at my house and car and good nature and fat arse and thinking ill be grateful? 😔

in your situation I wouldn't bother getting involved. I certainly wouldn't go on a "date" with him

You've got a family to care about, the last thing you need is to get embroiled with someone with a really unclear past. Can't you see that a 33 year old with a grandchild (if that's even true), is someone to give a big swerve to? Just don't, do yourself and your family a favour.

Choux · 09/07/2023 07:41

Go but if the kids are his and that puts you off be ready to say that your kids take up a lot of time but you are dedicated to their upbringing and are not looking for a relationship at this time.

If you know him in real life you need to exit the potential date on a good note.

He could just be bored from time with his mum and kids and want some company his own age - hence it's lunch not drinks he asked you for. It could be his tactic and next time it will be round yours one evening to get you drunk for sex so good you will be hooked. You just need to go and weigh up the situation.

Bournetilly · 09/07/2023 07:49

Don’t let it put you off yet, meet him again and find out more about him.
Like you say some of them could be his nieces and nephews. Find out how involved he is in their lives (if he’s not very involved this would put me off but it seems as though he is).
He’s very young to have 6 children and a grandchild (if all his) but I do think it’s worth finding out.

Notamum12345577 · 09/07/2023 07:54

Spartak · 09/07/2023 01:56

Could it be his step daughter that's had a baby?

I've got a friend who took on his wife's 6 year old when he was 21. Wife is 4 years older than him.

Maybe a nice chap that's not abandoned his relationship with his step-kids. You won't know unless you spend some time with him.

Exactly.

MetaverseMavis · 09/07/2023 07:59

Fact he has a grandchild. Everything else is speculation. Go and meet him and find out

Catlord · 09/07/2023 08:14

Tbh it wouldn't be for me.

If you really feel like lunch and a bit of company then go along anyway but if you think you might like him then ask first how many kids he has.

Personally I wouldn't waste my time if all 6 are his. No offence to anyone, I just wouldn't want 6 kids plus grandchildren of someone else's in my life (eventually). I don't know if your kids need that or whether it's a great influence for them.

Yep that's judgemental AF but i haven't chosen to have 6 kids from a young age so wouldnt want to accommodate someone else's decision to do so. The right time to be judgemental AF is when dating, as long as you're not rude about it.

He's kept it all quite quiet if they are his so I think he realises this may be quite offputting to a date. Of course some may be cousins etc. The teenage parent will need a lot of support at the minute though anyway so I'm not sure his time is currently best spent dating around. It's not as though he's making up for lost time.

I also would want to know what plans re leaving his mums as that wouldn't work for me either.

But in short for me it'd be a no thank you, sir.

doorstopper123 · 09/07/2023 08:15

No

He's on track to be GGdad by 48

GGGDD at 63

xyz111 · 09/07/2023 08:17

Rossannah · 08/07/2023 23:00

I'm not sure which bit is bugging me.
6 kids with one wife- he has a good job and if they are all his, looks like he is involved
6 kids with 6 women? Not for me
A grandad at that age? Not something I would wish for but it is out of his control what his child does.
All together - It does sound chaotic and that is not something I have ever personally had in my own life and not sure I want to start now.
However we had such a good fun night and I would like a repeat of that. It is a bit clouded now though

Do you actually know for a fact they are all his? People post pictures with their nieces and nephews. It could be that

Nordicrain · 09/07/2023 08:17

I mean I would ask, but yes 6+ kids and grandkids at 33 would put me off.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/07/2023 08:18

OP, you say your nieces are in your profile
picture online and that at first glance it looks like they could be yours.

How would you feel if this man was judging you and saying how much you'd now given him the "ick" because of it.

billy1966 · 09/07/2023 08:19

OP,

You sound as if you have cop on so listen to your gut.

He sounds as if he's a walking episode of Jeremy Kyle.

The step parenting board and AIBU are full of tales of women getting used as solvent skivvy au pair for some man.

6 children at 33 is not someone a lot of women would be interested in entertaining no matter what they look like.

Living at home?🙄

Have lunch to get the full story for sport and entertainment value for posters, but I really wouldn't be wasting your time beyond that.

Also, it's shallow, but I would definitely judge any woman getting involved with a 33 year old grandad with 6 children.

Cringe.

doorstopper123 · 09/07/2023 08:20

go for the date. Have fun

Report back

Don't pay more than half

Hiddenvoice · 09/07/2023 08:23

I’d give him a chance, go out on the date and chat about families then see what he says!
My brother was accused of having a grandchild when he was 30. He was tagged in a picture and everyone was congratulating him. He has the same name as my uncle and the person tagging got them confused but never updated it. A woman he dated thought he had lied and tried to ‘embarrass’ him on Facebook which felt more humiliating for her.

AssertiveGertrude · 09/07/2023 08:30

Living with mum would be enough to put me off buy give him a chance - he might be really nice