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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New bf party tonight. I'm not invited .

147 replies

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 19:27

My new bf has a special birthday tonight. He will be surrounded by his kids, family and friends in his local. No big drama .. finger food, pints and a band. I'm not invited and deep down , it would be completely inappropriate of me
To be there esp as his relationship with his kids has only recently
Improved due to him
Finishing his last relationship.
They were together two years. It did t work
Out. Kids felt pushed out and for other reasons including that, he finished it .
We met by pure chance on the weekend it finished.
We both acknowledged that it was all wrong timing wise. However we continued to chat and for the last six weeks have chatted every day and met five times. We've slept together, enjoy each others company and look forward to meeting again.
I am
Not invited tonight. It would be wrong I know that. He's two hours away. His kids are only properly back in his
Life and his family's opinions are very important to him.
However I feel left out.
AIBU ?

OP posts:

noapologies · 08/07/2023 21:42

I don't think you're wrong to feel a little bit excluded. However, you would be wrong to actually want to be included. It's too early, even though his kids are older.

What is worth remembering is that you are going to have loads more moments like these if you are dating a guy with kids. Some of those moments will sting even more.

I mean, let's say you end up in a serious relationship. Maybe one of his kids will get married and expressly refuse to have you there, in favour of just the parents. That's going to hurt a lot more, especially if you have tried to form a relationship with his kids by then.

The stinging only gets more painful.

Are you up for that?

It's so new it's not even a relationship, and this bit is supposed to be heady and fun. You're already feeling some less happy things.

Just something to mull over. You have to ask yourself, is being with this guy worth the heartache that comes as a package with him?

GameOverBoys · 08/07/2023 21:45

The fact you don’t see this as a (what’s the opposite of a red flag?) sign of someone with good judgment is worrying.
YABU to be sad that your partner has good boundaries and isn’t rushing another Gf into a complex situation.

SayHi · 08/07/2023 21:49

You need to relax.

You’ve only seen him 5 times and if he knew you were feeling like this then he’d run a mile.

If you genuinely like him then see it for what it is which you are just dating/getting to know each other and have fun.

If it develops into something then great but feeling like this after 6 weeks is way too intense and you’re going to end up ruining the relationship before it’s even started.

Fourfurrymonsters · 08/07/2023 21:51

LuckyPeonies · 08/07/2023 19:36

Hmm, IMO that is old enough for him to include you and introduce as a ‘friend’.

Show quote history

They’re presumably not idiots.

WhiteChocMocha · 08/07/2023 21:51

It's been 6 weeks... It's far far too soon.
People are different but I'd only do something like this probably past the year mark/ living together, or when my partner has already met my friends and family and spent time with them prior to and outside of this event.
It's normal to feel left out but you know yourself it's far far too soon. I used to feel left out when my bf was having days out with his mates and their kids in the early days, and he'd miss me on those days too, but everything in its own time. Good things come to those that wait.

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 21:56

It's only 6 weeks since he finished his last relationship. His family, friends and children would all quite justifiably think 🤔 if he turned up with a new girlfriend. Particularly because he ended his last relationship to build his relationship with his children.

ZoeCM · 08/07/2023 21:59

Far too soon to be meeting his kids. He's being sensible.

katepilar · 08/07/2023 22:07

Way too early for you to be joining his family celebrations, even if it didnt involve his children.
I cant believe you keep going on about it.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 08/07/2023 22:11

You’re not unreasonable for feeling left out. You are supremely reasonable for recognising that it would be inappropriate for you to go and would make things more difficult.
treat both of you to a lovely night out next week and enjoy.

Dovetail40 · 08/07/2023 22:28

Changingplace · 08/07/2023 19:35

He isn’t your boyfriend he’s a person you’ve met five times and known less than two months, take a step back from this, it would be ridiculous if he invited you to his birthday event with his kids & family.

This.

You are in your mind more advanced in the relationship.

Tell your brain and imagination to calm down.

There is plenty of time once or if your relationship develops.

EasterBreak · 08/07/2023 22:33

Yabvu you've only met the guy 5 times. Of course you shouldn't be invited to his bday gathering with his kids, family and friends.

BeeHappy12 · 08/07/2023 22:54

Way to early to meet his children. His children should be his only concern given they've been through a divorce and an ex partner they didn't get along with.

PurpleButterflyWings · 08/07/2023 23:18

@yipeeyiyay

My dh asked me to marry him on week one.

Come off it, that never happens to 99.9% of people. If any man I met asked me to marry him on week one, I would run for the hills. That's just fucking weird.

@geminirisingagain You have met FIVE TIMES. If it had been a 2 or 3 months and you'd seen him 20+ times, then maybe if he didn't have kids, there would be an expectation for you to be invited.

Expecting to go to a man's family party after 5 dates is laughable. As is calling people disagreeing with you miserable unhappy bitter angry etc etc etc. Just coz you've shagged him doesn't mean you're married you know. 🙄

StarDolphins · 08/07/2023 23:21

I would be more upset if he’d invited me after 6 weeks. I would see him as unstable if he wanted me to meets his kids/family that soon.

yipeeyiyay · 09/07/2023 08:11

PurpleButterflyWings · 08/07/2023 23:18

@yipeeyiyay

My dh asked me to marry him on week one.

Come off it, that never happens to 99.9% of people. If any man I met asked me to marry him on week one, I would run for the hills. That's just fucking weird.

@geminirisingagain You have met FIVE TIMES. If it had been a 2 or 3 months and you'd seen him 20+ times, then maybe if he didn't have kids, there would be an expectation for you to be invited.

Ok so I'm not naive. I do know it's highly unusual but my point still stands that sometimes people know pretty quickly and that a couple of months in, it's not unusual to feel very much in a relationship and committed. My PIL went on to have 50 ish very in love years together until MIL sadly passed. DH and I are 31 years so far. It happens.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 08:26

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:12

I won't be waiting any more than
Six months to be his secret for his children.

Well, in this instance, it’s not about what’s good for you but what’s best for the kids. Your attitude towards that is a bit skewed.

Nordicrain · 09/07/2023 08:28

Yabu, but it sounds like you know that.
you probably need to cool it a little generally, you sound pretty full on.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 08:29

Also, it’s patently obvious he’s putting his children first after his last relationship (for which you might need to consider you were a rebound for) caused strain between him and his children.

erikbloodaxe · 09/07/2023 11:23

Op if you say he's your boyfriend he's your fucking boyfriend. No one here has the right to decide when he is or isn't. Once again the MN holier than though attitude is at full strength.

You fully understand why you can't be there and I fully understand why you would've liked to have been invited.

Some days MN is just an absolutely shit place to be. It's always been the same.....always someone thinks they know best. Well they don't! You know you and you know him.

SunflowerTed · 17/08/2023 18:15

Whattodo112222 · 08/07/2023 19:39

You sound rather intense. At this point he's a guy you're seeing. Not your boyfriend.

Totally agree … why would you be invited?

SunflowerTed · 17/08/2023 18:17

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:20

I don't essentially want to meet them but I won't be a dirty secret either

You’ve hardly got going so how can you be a secret?!!!

Sureaseggs44 · 17/08/2023 18:33

Tophy124 · 08/07/2023 20:45

Red flag that you met him the same weekend his last relationship ended. Are you sure he is being honest? Most normal people wouldn’t be out meeting others the same weekend a 2 year relationship ended, nor would they have allowed a relationship to impact their relationship with their children.

It’s also not up to you when you meet his children. If I were his child I’d have no interest in meeting his partners based on his history. He can have a relationship with his kids without you needing to be involved.

I agree about the timings of meeting his children is up to him . I don’t think OP should be saying 6 months . It does not mean they are a secret and no one has an automatic right to be in their lives .

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