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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New bf party tonight. I'm not invited .

147 replies

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 19:27

My new bf has a special birthday tonight. He will be surrounded by his kids, family and friends in his local. No big drama .. finger food, pints and a band. I'm not invited and deep down , it would be completely inappropriate of me
To be there esp as his relationship with his kids has only recently
Improved due to him
Finishing his last relationship.
They were together two years. It did t work
Out. Kids felt pushed out and for other reasons including that, he finished it .
We met by pure chance on the weekend it finished.
We both acknowledged that it was all wrong timing wise. However we continued to chat and for the last six weeks have chatted every day and met five times. We've slept together, enjoy each others company and look forward to meeting again.
I am
Not invited tonight. It would be wrong I know that. He's two hours away. His kids are only properly back in his
Life and his family's opinions are very important to him.
However I feel left out.
AIBU ?

OP posts:
Appleass · 08/07/2023 20:27

Met him 5 times, and you feel left out, sorry to be blunt, but you are a nobody to his kids and his family at this stage, and you can hardly call him boyfriend this early.

SilkTrees · 08/07/2023 20:29

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:02

No need to get bunny boiler vibes. Deep down I know it's the right decision, I was just feeling burnt . AIBU will always bring out the nasty discontented women . I was aware of that before I posted . I just wanted honesty and solidarity . Jog on

You're getting honesty and most people have been perfectly civil. You say yourself it would be completely inappropriate for you to be there in the circumstances -- not even that you've literally met him five times, but that you met immediately after he ended a relationship that involved estrangement from his children. I mean, his judgement doesn't strike me as great here.

Original poster
geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:29

I'm really not a petulant teenager. I'm human. I expect nastiness by deeply unhappy people on here so that ok and again there are genuinely normal people whose opinion I respect. That's the game.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 08/07/2023 20:29

The only person who sounds like they have red flags is you OP.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 08/07/2023 20:30

Come on, you're just a shag to him at this point. Crazy to feel left out/offended.

Original poster
geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:30

I feel like I'm more than a shag to him but thanks for responding .

OP posts:
Annaisatwat · 08/07/2023 20:31

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:29

I'm really not a petulant teenager. I'm human. I expect nastiness by deeply unhappy people on here so that ok and again there are genuinely normal people whose opinion I respect. That's the game.

I’m not nasty or unhappy.

But honestly, you’ve seen him 5 times and you already have the six month ultimatum in your head. You are only setting yourself up for hurt.

Livinghappy · 08/07/2023 20:31

So he was with the children's mum (for how long?) Then he met the ex (how quickly afterwards?) and this relationship caused his children to feel excluded, which damaged his relationship with his children, so he ended it and by a complete coincidence he met you the same night?

Is that right? If he has a pattern of never having a break between relationship that's a red flag.

Viviennemary · 08/07/2023 20:33

I think he is right to proceed cautiously under the circumstances.

Ladybug14 · 08/07/2023 20:35

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:30

I feel like I'm more than a shag to him but thanks for responding .

You can feel whatever you like

Hes shown you that you're a 5 x shag so far

Whether you move onto relationship territory depends on you and your ability to show grace and compassion going forwards

Daisydu · 08/07/2023 20:35

Changingplace · 08/07/2023 19:35

He isn’t your boyfriend he’s a person you’ve met five times and known less than two months, take a step back from this, it would be ridiculous if he invited you to his birthday event with his kids & family.

Wtf. Of course he can be her boyfriend after 6 weeks!

op yanu to feel how you do, but probably is for the best as it’s such a new relationship.

LuckyPeonies · 08/07/2023 20:36

smilesup · 08/07/2023 20:26

Well they are old enough to be pissed off that their Dad pretend his new love interest was a friend. If you want it to be a long-term thing and for you to have a good relationship with his kids then do not meet them at this sort of event.

Show quote history

Many people start out as friends and then develop into something more. I presume OP and this man are mature enough to avoid PDA’s in front of family, so his kids would not be confronted with that.

Of course, it also depends on whether this is a very intimate gathering or a large one. If it was intimate, I personally would not want to attend.

Mapples · 08/07/2023 20:36

It doesn't sound like you're just a shag to him, but rightly he is prioritising his children and given the fact he left his ex (very recently) as they felt excluded or whatever then I doubt he's going to be rushing to tell them about you at all, or rush into anything. If you're okay with that then cool, but doesn't sound like you are.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 08/07/2023 20:36

6 weeks involving 5 dates and you don't live near each other? And he has kids he's trying to prioritise due to previous failures to do so?

It would be wildly inappropriate for you to have been invited. Wildly.

He's probably not a good choice for you or anyone else at the moment, tbh. I'd consider him someone you date occasionally and keep looking to date others.

mumofboys8787 · 08/07/2023 20:39

He's your boyfriend and you've only met him 5 times?

Cherryblossomed · 08/07/2023 20:40

LuckyPeonies · 08/07/2023 20:36

Many people start out as friends and then develop into something more. I presume OP and this man are mature enough to avoid PDA’s in front of family, so his kids would not be confronted with that.

Of course, it also depends on whether this is a very intimate gathering or a large one. If it was intimate, I personally would not want to attend.

Show quote history

Kids aren’t idiots.

His last relationship caused issues with his relationship with kids. That’s ended and he is mending the relationship with his kids.

If a new female ‘friend’ rocks up, the kids won’t be naive enough to not realise that friend is a euphemism. That could set back any progress with his kids has made.

and they certainly won’t believe they were just friends if later comes out they are now together.

Why risk further fracturing an already difficult relationship so she could attend? Even if it’s not an intimate party. It’s not likely Op would know loads of people so would spend the evening with him. No one would believe they are just friends.

Rainbowpurple · 08/07/2023 20:41

OP, do you have kids of your own?

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 20:41

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:02

No need to get bunny boiler vibes. Deep down I know it's the right decision, I was just feeling burnt . AIBU will always bring out the nasty discontented women . I was aware of that before I posted . I just wanted honesty and solidarity . Jog on

You did get honesty. No one has the energy to be nasty to you.

Guavafish1 · 08/07/2023 20:42

he should have invited you... his kids are old enough at 16 and 19 to know about adult relationships.

He doesn't have to introduce you as a girlfriend but a friend.

Sounds like hard work... relationships shouldn't be this hard work and hurtful so early. The relationships with his kids will affect you both.... I would bow out now!

Nice time ... Good memory but leave it at that.

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 20:42

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:12

I won't be waiting any more than
Six months to be his secret for his children.

That’s not your decision to make.

Tophy124 · 08/07/2023 20:45

Red flag that you met him the same weekend his last relationship ended. Are you sure he is being honest? Most normal people wouldn’t be out meeting others the same weekend a 2 year relationship ended, nor would they have allowed a relationship to impact their relationship with their children.

It’s also not up to you when you meet his children. If I were his child I’d have no interest in meeting his partners based on his history. He can have a relationship with his kids without you needing to be involved.

Jenesaisquoiii · 08/07/2023 20:45

100% if he finished an unsuccessful relationship not long ago it would seem highly strange for his kids, to see you bring along another new woman. They're not children children but they are still developing with their Dad relationship wise.
Just enjoy the private time you have, if it were the other way around you'd totally do the same thing as realistically this could be over soon although your feelings are strong. Hang in there.
Do you have kids? If not do you want them in future? Has all that been discussed? Do you mind sharing his life with his kids who always come first?
Who knows next birthday could be one you organise.
Best wishes 🦋

SindyisbetterthanBarbie · 08/07/2023 20:46

I wouldn't expect to be at a party with someone I can count on one hand the times Ive seen him, surrounded by all his friends and family. Far too soon

flannelonthesink · 08/07/2023 20:46

Way too soon. Just don't worry about it and offer to take him out for a meal a few days after the family party.

Tophy124 · 08/07/2023 20:46

Also how have you seen each other so much in 5 weeks if you live 2 hours away?! That seems a lot.