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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New bf party tonight. I'm not invited .

147 replies

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 19:27

My new bf has a special birthday tonight. He will be surrounded by his kids, family and friends in his local. No big drama .. finger food, pints and a band. I'm not invited and deep down , it would be completely inappropriate of me
To be there esp as his relationship with his kids has only recently
Improved due to him
Finishing his last relationship.
They were together two years. It did t work
Out. Kids felt pushed out and for other reasons including that, he finished it .
We met by pure chance on the weekend it finished.
We both acknowledged that it was all wrong timing wise. However we continued to chat and for the last six weeks have chatted every day and met five times. We've slept together, enjoy each others company and look forward to meeting again.
I am
Not invited tonight. It would be wrong I know that. He's two hours away. His kids are only properly back in his
Life and his family's opinions are very important to him.
However I feel left out.
AIBU ?

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 08/07/2023 20:47

I think it’s quite unusual to describe someone you’ve had five dates with as your boyfriend.

You know you are being unreasonable. My advice is to take a bit of a step back and slow this down.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2023 20:47

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 20:42

That’s not your decision to make.

Show quote history

She can flounce if he won’t toe the line.

SauvignonBlanche · 08/07/2023 20:47

Viviennemary · 08/07/2023 20:33

I think he is right to proceed cautiously under the circumstances.

Absolutely, it’s a good sign

yipeeyiyay · 08/07/2023 20:53

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 19:59

It’s really weird that you feel left out after 5 dates with him.

I am getting bunny boiler vibes.

Thankfully it sounds like he has his head switched on because he ended the relationship with the last woman who came between him and his kids.

Good grief this is a goady post

Whatwaste · 08/07/2023 20:54

He doesn't see you as his girlfriend, just a shag on the side.

BIWI · 08/07/2023 20:55

So @geminirisingagain you didn't like what you heard, so posted another one, saying how horrible people are?!

Massive sense of entitlement I feel. People on this thread have been giving their honest appraisal of your situation. It's a shame you don't like it, but that doesn't mean that posters here are bitter or nasty!

SamW98 · 08/07/2023 20:55

I think it’s way too early to even think
about meeting his children after 6 weeks. And your 6 month ultimatum isn’t reasonable either - they’re no magical line on the sand on this. His kids, his decision who he brings into their life and when.

Original poster
geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:56

Ok @Whatwaste how do you know this ?

OP posts:
yipeeyiyay · 08/07/2023 20:56

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 08/07/2023 20:30

Come on, you're just a shag to him at this point. Crazy to feel left out/offended.

You and the people you date are very....different to some of us

yipeeyiyay · 08/07/2023 20:57

mumofboys8787 · 08/07/2023 20:39

He's your boyfriend and you've only met him 5 times?

My dh asked me to marry him on week one

Sugargliderwombat · 08/07/2023 20:57

OP how did you find out you weren't invited, did you ask? It's far too soon to be at something like that even if he didn't have kids, just ask if he'd like to go for post - birthday drink or something next weekend. If he had invited you he would be being a prick to his kids if they only split six weeks ago.

Clymene · 08/07/2023 20:58

Guavafish1 · 08/07/2023 20:42

he should have invited you... his kids are old enough at 16 and 19 to know about adult relationships.

He doesn't have to introduce you as a girlfriend but a friend.

Sounds like hard work... relationships shouldn't be this hard work and hurtful so early. The relationships with his kids will affect you both.... I would bow out now!

Nice time ... Good memory but leave it at that.

She's been on five dates with him. Of course he shouldn't have invited her. This is a party with his family and friends who've probably all known one another for years. Why would he invite his new girlfriend who won't know anyone and who will be a distraction?

itsmylife7 · 08/07/2023 20:58

I think it shows he's putting his children first which is a good thing.
Have you considered he may not introduce you to them at all.

He may decide to keep this relationship completely separate from his kids.

Original poster
geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 21:00

Indeed!! Some of you have clearly meant nothing to your selves in a relationship or to your other halves for a very long time . Not me . I think we are more. Logically I get it. But emotionally I felt stung .

OP posts:
Guineapigwoes · 08/07/2023 21:00

How would you feel if it was the other way round? At least you can see that he is putting his kids first which is a sign of an honourable guy

Bluebellsbells · 08/07/2023 21:01

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:20

I don't essentially want to meet them but I won't be a dirty secret either

It really isn't this. His last relationship ended because his ex failed to build a good relationship with his children. His children were impacted.

You need to let him decide when it's right and go with his flow, because ultimately he knows what's best for his children. It might take six months it might take a year- but don't put expectations on this- pushing it, adding deadlines won't help the situation.

Whatwaste · 08/07/2023 21:01

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 20:56

Ok @Whatwaste how do you know this ?

Because he hasn't invited you tonight to accompany him.

I went to DH's family BBQ the 4th time we met - the 5th time I was his plus one to his best friend's wedding.

His kids aren't young so I don't think he's being cautious.

Sorry OP I think actions speak louder than words and he doesn't see you as his partner.

I think by the time you've met several times and are hitting it off, you want to sort of show the world/share your happiness.

CheekyHobson · 08/07/2023 21:02

OP, think about how it would have played out if you went.

The guests are all people who’ve known this man for years, and likely know each other to some degree too. You show up, you’ll immediately stick out as unfamiliar. “How do you know Kevin?” “Oh, we met a few weeks ago.” Most of them will have known him to be in another relationship until a few weeks ago so it’s now obvious he started dating someone hours after his last relationship ended.

You won’t be able to hang off his arm all night as his kids are there so you’ll be stuck making small talk with people you don’t know and who frankly may feel a bit weird about you. Not a good scene for anyone.

I also think there may be something going on behind your six-month timeline as it’s unusual to feel as though you would be a “dirty secret” if you hadn’t been introduced to kids within six months. “Dirty secrets” are usually affair partners. Taking things slowly and integrating new partners with family at a measured pace is just common sense. Have you had a relationship with someone who was married previously? It may be tainting your view of things.

Coralsunset · 08/07/2023 21:02

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 21:00

Indeed!! Some of you have clearly meant nothing to your selves in a relationship or to your other halves for a very long time . Not me . I think we are more. Logically I get it. But emotionally I felt stung .

Sorry, what?

Thosepeskyseagulls · 08/07/2023 21:03

Changingplace · 08/07/2023 19:35

He isn’t your boyfriend he’s a person you’ve met five times and known less than two months, take a step back from this, it would be ridiculous if he invited you to his birthday event with his kids & family.

Surely it’s between her and the man as to whether he’s her boyfriend, not a stranger on the Internet? My husband and I would have seen ourselves like that after three dates; not everyone dates for ages before committing to be exclusive.

aflix · 08/07/2023 21:03

The bit before you meet their kids is the best bit anyway, relax and enjoy it. Don't wish your life away OP.

noglow · 08/07/2023 21:05

You said yourself you know its not unreasonable of him to not to have invited you. Just calm down - you'll scare him off

Bluebellsbells · 08/07/2023 21:05

I can empathise with you feeling left out, put it is for good reason. Meeting his entire family and his children all in one go, would be stressful for all concerned!

Instead make plans for a birthday dinner or night out for the two of you- focus your energy on that and this time next year if you are still together this will definitely be a none issue!

Thosepeskyseagulls · 08/07/2023 21:05

geminirisingagain · 08/07/2023 21:00

Indeed!! Some of you have clearly meant nothing to your selves in a relationship or to your other halves for a very long time . Not me . I think we are more. Logically I get it. But emotionally I felt stung .

I’m with you OP. Sometimes things go pretty fast. You’re only human for feeling left out.

SamW98 · 08/07/2023 21:06

Bluebellsbells · 08/07/2023 21:01

It really isn't this. His last relationship ended because his ex failed to build a good relationship with his children. His children were impacted.

You need to let him decide when it's right and go with his flow, because ultimately he knows what's best for his children. It might take six months it might take a year- but don't put expectations on this- pushing it, adding deadlines won't help the situation.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree. It’s about putting his kids first and that’s a positive thing imo.

Its his decision to make as to when he feels the time is right. It’s not a reflection on how he feels about the OP at all.

I didn’t introduce my last partner to my son for about 9 months - not because he was ‘just a shag’ but I wanted to be sure the time was right for everyone involved.

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