To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

Is he aware you don't actually love him ?

No i wouldn't marry a man I wasn't in love with. Also the sex pest thing is a 🚩

What would you feel if he broke up with you and married another woman, had those babies etc? Would you be devastated or just oh well?

Oh. Dear. God.

Please tell me you are trying and failing to be funny?

I think it sounds like you love him as another poster says. Just because it isn’t the same as your ex (which you think was love but sounds like it wasn’t really) doesn’t mean it’s not love.

No.
Don't marry someone who wants you to give up work - ie lose your independence and security.
Don't marry someone whose family is based outside your country of origin - you don't want to be fighting over your children in years to come.
Don't marry a man you don't fancy like mad. 'I can't stand it' really isn't a good start to your sex life as a married couple.
Just don't do it. Let him go.

If you’re someone who thinks being in love is all angst and pain and passion and tears then you’re going to get a lot of miserable relationships. The big question is do you find him attractive enough to have sex with? If you don’t then it’s a no-brainer, if you do then there are possibilities for love to grow.

honestly is anyone reading OP's updates? She describes him as a 'sex peat' and that she actively avoids him!

She's clearly miserable in her career too.

Guess what? If you read all the OP's posts, you'll find the answer to this.

Hint: no

Does he know this? If you’re going in with honesty I’d think it’s fine. But have the conversation - he might want more. Perhaps security is enough for you, and that’s not necessarily wrong; but he may want someone who is in love with him.

She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

This is completely unrealistic. By that logic no one with any money or a nice lifestyle would ever split up or cheat which is obviously far from reality.

In 5 years you’ll probably be stuck at home with a baby, with a man you don’t love, don’t want to be romantic with and will probably be resentful of doing all the household chores. How much do think a “holiday” to stay with the in-laws and a roof over your head is really going to add to your daily happiness?

Sex is already like that

I basically did this. The poster who warned about resentment is right, we bicker endlessly (though we didn't at all until having children) and I think it does stem from underlying resentment. BUT, we've been together 13 years and have 3 children, and whilst I have seriously considered ending the relationship due to the bickering, I don't hate him, and I do think that although it is far from ideal for our DC that we aren't constantly harmonious, that overall that all our lives are better with us together at the present moment. DC are all primary age. Whilst our sex drives are incompatible, and although I don't physically fancy him, the sex is actually very good. There are definitely benefits from this set up. I don't feel secretly insecure or jealous like I have in other relationships, we both have close opposite sex friends with complete trust, and I wonder if I'd struggle with that if my feelings were overwhelmingly strong. I don't worry about my looks fading/feel pressure to look my best if I don't feel like it. If I felt like my partner was more attractive than me, or very appealing to others I think that would add some pressure in that respect.

Through my line of work I come across many people struggling with relationships, so I know how common it is for people to be in much worse relationships, with abuse, control, manipulation, addiction issues, affairs, lack of trust, health problems, partners becoming carers, financial insecurity, clashes in family cultures or religion, infertility etc etc and I don't regret the choices I have made, because I really do feel the alternative could very easily be much worse. Just because it isn't ideal doesn't mean I could have had better. I think it's realistic to settle if you really want children. I'd much rather be in a mediocre relationship than risk not having had my children. For many others, that isn't important to them so for those I'd advise them not to settle.

Don't do it It's a disaster in waiting

I’ll amend what I said as I’ve just read he is starting to show sex pest tendencies. I’d say a big NO to that. My ex used to hassle me for sex all the time and it started to seriously affect the quality of my life and mental well being. When we finally split my biggest relief was not having to deal with the constant badgering and sulking.

No. You are not being unreasonable. If he offers financial stability and if he is willing to leave his current life to be with you, he is a good-hearted man. Who knows, maybe you'll fall in love, given time. Chase your dreams, and your man! 😂

You probably have as much of a chance as anyone of being happy.
I'd say go for it and work at falling in love with him.

Alright no need to be rude! We don’t all have time to pore over everything, I’m making dinner and perusing this. Christ.

How would you feel if this was your son about to unwittingly marry someone who wasn't in love with him but in love with his lifestyle?

He deserves a woman who really loves him- Not someone who is basically using him for an 'easy' life-
But then- plenty of women DO hunt out a wealthy husband for the cushy lifestyle.

Marry him and commit to loving him.

It's amazing how if you have a partner that you respect and you work well as a team, you can grow to love them more each year.

True love isn't a crazy emotional thing although that phase is very addictive.

True love is committing to someone and putting each other above all else.

And having a family with someone who takes care of you and the children and who makes that the priority of his life really is the most wonderful thing you could ever have.
And an aphrodisiac 😉

But don't marry him if you're going to spend your life pining for the crazy in love headrush. You'll just make him, you and your children miserable.

It's up to you to commit to this life being offered or not.

You haven’t read the thread have you?

😂😂😂

I agree!

The sex pest thing would be a problem for me. Personally I wouldn't marry someone you don't love just because your lives are compatible. I did this, and it wasn't a good move. Love fades, but so does compatibility. I've found myself with someone whose values and lifestyle are completely different to mine, and who I also do not love. Do not recommend.

My ex was a 'passionate' relationship (basically another word for 'toxic' but exciting and overwhelmingly emotional) I so thought he was the 'love of my life' back then... thank fuck I didn't marry him or have kids with him, hes a lying cheating dosser and we spent half our relationship fighting like cat and dog.

With my DH I never had 'that' level of 'passion'... but hes my best friend and I could not imagine my life without him (just the thought is too much).

That stuff that is sold as the epitome of 'Love' is a crock of bullshit that emergers from emotional immaturity and having not learned to regulate feelings yet (leading to an 'intense' emotional reaction) its not sustainable or healthy or the reality of a good adult relationship.

Real love is the little old couple that sleep in separate rooms because his snoring keeps her awake and who haven't even had sex in as long as the can remember but they stood by each other through thick and thin and making each other laugh.

Learning that 'love' changes and doesn't feel the same is part of growing up. It seems you logically understand this but haven't accept that its just a different 'type' of love.

Anyone I know who has done this has ended up lonely…there’s a lot of time later for regrets. They don’t regret their kids obviously but it has ended up being a hard life for them.