To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

No. He just tries to pressure her into sex.

This is such a big red flag flapping loudly in the wind.

So I am attracted to him and do fancy him at times you don't even fancy him so no wonder you're not up for much sex

•he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.*
Imagine being with him 8 months pregnant and him pestering you for sex. Imagine being 3 months pp with a baby attached to your boob and him pestering you for sex. Imagine being run ragged with 3 kids and totally touched out and him pestering you for sex.

Honestly I'm surprised at mumsnet, you're all so understanding of how relationships evolve, menopause etc and the fact that the sex goes. Are all you women saying "you must be utterly in love with the man", still doing it, and when? Do you initiate it? And is your life otherwise perfect? No didn't think so.

He sounds controlling which aligns a little with his roots. Woman's place in the home etc. 1940s behaviour.

You should feel you want to be with a man even if babies don't appear.

Would you feel happy saddled to him for another 50 years?

Even if I was head over heels in love with him, I wouldn’t continue the relationship because he’s a sex pest who thinks your a blow up doll and not a woman.

The fact that you’re not in love with him makes me wonder why you’re still with him.

The only thing he’s really got going for him is money and family who live abroad for holidays.

Surely there are some things money can’t buy and I’d rather be with someone broke but decent then someone rich and a sex pest.

So what are you saying?

If you know the answer to your situation, why ask for opinions?

Did you want everyone to say yes, go ahead?

Op what do you say back to him when he says I love you, do you lie or tell the truth?

I’m curious how this works

Who said their lives were perfect?

No, sex pests don’t tend to just stop. Plus it’s a really poor disrespectful behaviour. It won’t be the only place he is displaying it.
If you are so bothered that people can see this has disaster written all over it, why ask?

Just because you can’t see this is really toxic, just like your last relationship doesn’t make it not true

I don't know. I think it's wrong to marry someone under false pretences. Would he marry you if he knew you didn't love him? I think honesty is really important in a relationship and communication. In all honesty the sex pest thing would be a huge red flag for me.

I do think love can grow. My parents married nearly 50 years ago and they didn't even know each other. They are still together because made a commitment and have mutual respect. Along the way they found love, companionship and built a future.

So why bring marriage into this? Is the pressure coming from him? Have you not been together long - still in the honeymoon phase - couple if years in or less? If k you made him aware of everything you didn't like about your ex is he simply presenting the right image ATM? Sex pest behaviour suggests to me he doesn't respect you or possibly women in general - is that related to his cultural background at all? Forget your ex. On what you've said so far - I don't think you are at the stage where marriage should be part of the conversation of you haven't got this sex pestering straight with him.

I think you can build a relationship on mutual respect that deepends into love. Sex pest bit is a bit hmm and thenfavt your alreasy sexually pulling back. There's lots to be said for treating each other well.

OP, as previous poster says, 'why ask if you know the answer?'

All marriages - even arranged ones - can work well if BOTH PARTNERS are playing by the same rules that they willingly accept and respect. Nothing in your first post makes me think that this is the case for you and your current partner.

And OF COURSE physical love and joy and all other sorts of caring does not end at the menopause. Whatever made you think that? Perhaps the same (I am sorry) immature 'love of my life' ideas that you mentioned earlier?

Hmm, I sorta think if you are both at an age where family is important, then you’re kinda just helping each other out.

Personally, having real, mind-blowing love with my DH, through the thick and the thin, I couldn’t now settle for less. And, to be honest, I feel really sad for people that don’t feel this. But I don’t think you’re ‘unreasonable’ to push on with someone given how mutually supportive you are of each other’s lives.

That said, the sex pest thing will become very toxic, very quickly. You can’t negotiate through the ick.

Good luck with it OP.

P.S: Try not to write off those of us who do have the love as liars though!

This exactly. I don't know why but I don't feel the urge for babies. But with him I think about " family" and being a family.

Yup. Marry him. Without doubt.

Is he a sex pest or is he still in the throes of hot relationship with the love of his life?

Do you see the difference from his point of view? If you were super excited by him, maybe (maybe) you wouldn't view him as a sex pest, you would also want to rip his clothes off.

Of course, he may be an actual pest (none of us on here can really know from a few posts you have written) or it may be that you are viewing his sexual advances with distain. Is that fair for either or you?

If he is an actual sex pest- then no, of course you don't want to put up with that. If he thinks he is in a hot, exciting relationship with a sexy woman who he wants to be with, who excites him- then you better let him down gently.

Without wishing to sound too Prince Charles, I think it depends on what ‘in love’ means. I think many of us experience different kinds of love in a lifetime. I’ve had the high passion love, I thought for years that he was the love of my love. But I’ve also experienced a gentler, calmer kind of love. This is what I have now. The important thing is that we are very compatible in every way.

I say, if you can honestly say that you’re compatible in all the ways that really matter, marry him and have a happy life together.

I'm in love with my husband and have been for over 18 years (I'm 39), the reason we don't have as much sex now is we have 3 young children and are hardly every alone and awake together. When we are we have sex and it's amazing, mutually initiated! I'm still as in love with him now as I was as a 21 year old (probably more now actually), yes we've matured/aged but I feel the same. We met at uni and I had no idea how much we'd eventually earn, that wasn't a consideration when I chose to go out with him. Maybe I'd consider different things if I was single and had no children at 37, I still don't think I'd stay with someone I knew deep down wasn't right, the fact you made this thread speaks for itself.

Go to therapy, if you were always arguing with the "love of your life" that was deeply unhealthy, sort yourself out, then decide if you want to marry this guy. Do the work on yourself first

How many threads do we see where they're kids involved and the woman (or man) wants to leave a perfectly good partner because there's no spark? Will this be you in 7 years time? Not fair on your partner or future kids in my opinion.

Every marriage is a leap of faith.
The bag of gold can empty. The expected dc can for many reasons, just fail to appear. Ill health can strike anybody at anytime.
Without a bedrock of mutual love, absolute trust and utter honesty it is not looking likely for a happy union.

I think you need therapy to get to grips with the distorted idea you have of love and passion.
Growing up in a violent house has taught you unhealthy associations.
You need to unlearn these.

He will be looking to have regular sex with you for the rest of your life. You can force yourself into it but decades down the line, will you be able to face it? It's one thing having a low key, pleasant relationship with someone you care about and the sex is ok. It's another when you actively have the ick. Once you have kids and have been together a while, sex will seem like a horrible chore always looming on the horizon and may even end up feeling traumatic. If you hadn't have mentioned that aspect, I would have said go for it. Marriage is a sexual relation and you have to at least find it OK. If you think he is a sex pest now, run. The ick wil turn into horror.

I Feel most people are idealistic
Marry him definitely
what on earth is love?
People that thought they loved each other sometimes seperate and treat each other with contempt
Your love will only grow with this man
Just make sure u appreciate him and take care of his heart

Deluding yourself. You've ignored so many posts here too.

What does not being able to progress in work for 'political reasons' mean?

I think you've a lot of work to do on yourself.