To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

This.

I did the opposite. I turned down the gentler, calmer love and have regretted it for a long time. I was married for a long time to the wrong man. I loved being married and having a family, but the relationship ended because genuine compatibility was lacking and he was not a good dad. I see photos of the man I turned down and he appears to be a great dad. I’m pretty sure he and I would have gone the distance and had a happy life, but that’s partly because I have learned how much I value stability.

But you are already describing your man as a sex pest, OP and that seems quite significant to me. If he already seems like that to you, it will likely get worse with time. If you do have children, that will become even more unpleasant.

Might it be worth doing The Freedom Program? I think you might find it helps you get an understanding of how to spot red flags. I feel like there might be some here, but you have way more information than we do, so calling it is impossible.

Honestly I kindest thing to do is ask him. Is he happy to marry you knowing that you do not feel in love with him at the moment.

No relationship is perfect, and the heady days you speak of come and go and come and go and come and go. Sounds like guilt is stopping you. People say you never forget your first love, it does not mean you only love once, love is difficult things with different people. Can you imagine yourself and him not together ? How do feel? Or him with someone else ? How do you feel? Those feelings are more relevant and reliable than comparing to your first love.

You are already sexually incompatible. I think if you go ahead with it, it will go downhill fast and hard.

This isn’t going to change. He will still be doing it when you’re 50, you’ve got teens and thoroughly pissed off with being pawed for all these years.

This fact alone gives your relationship a sell by date.

was in a long relationship where I was not in love nor was I attracted to him. However when I look back I think what a wonderful partner and father he would have made and that is important and might have been enough.

I echo this sentiment.

your other love would never last as that wild fired up crazy love wanes over time too

Like what?

The replies are coming so fast that unless you tag the poster, we don't know who you are agreeing with (might be the post before yours or 3 posts back.)

It sounds as if you want to be assured it's ok to marry him. And you are ignoring other replies.

TBH you should not get into a marriage or a relationship with anyone yet.
You need to invest time and effort into sorting out your head.

As a 37 year old woman, you should be able to support yourself in a career that is going somewhere OR at least put a roof over your head. The days when women married for property are long gone (or should be.)

The way you come over is that you are drifting. In and out of a relationship that was an addiction to drama, not having a satisfying career or money, and this man is a port in the storm.

You will only be an equal partner in a relationship once you don't 'need' a man to either make you happy or provide for you.

This is why you should consider therapy. This man and the love of your life, were filling some kind of vacuum, maybe going back to your childhood. One was offering life full of drama, it set you alight, kept you on your toes, you enjoyed the adrenaline of it all. This one is the complete opposite- he wants to control you, (masked as 'caring') , remove personal responsibility from your life, and have you as an accessory in his.

You have become attracted to complete opposites. There is something in the middle, you know. Steady men who you will fancy but who won't want to control or dominate you.

But you don't recognise that as you've never had it or wanted it.

What was your childhood and parent's marriage like? Are you mirroring that?

Some would say that when a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are in the bed. Being sexually incompatible is no joke. To lie back and think of England, really doesn't work. I think that you know this within yourself op.

Just read ALL of OPs posts…the sex pest thing? No way, NFW…throw him back and find another one. I don’t believe that previous guy was the love of your life though…maybe a bit of counselling would be in order to give yourself a better chance of forming a healthy relationship next time. Good luck!

"I think it's realistic to settle if you really want children."

Obviously you wouldn't change having had your children - but I do have to ask, do you genuinely think it's fair and advisable to knowingly and intentionally bring children into such an equation? Surely if you're going to model a long term adult relationship to children, it shouldn't be one of convenience and/or bickering? Do you think that's an appropriate situation to advise others to bring children into?

So much of this would really be "do whatever you want" for me, if intended children weren't involved. Yes shit happens and kids will never have the "perfect" examples/families but imo if you're aiming to have and raise children in the household, with a continued relationship, it's selfish to knowingly and deliberately "settle"/choose this sort of relationship for your children to have as their primary model.

If you are already dreading sex with him he shouldn’t be a boyfriend, let alone a husband.

spending a lifetime with someone, “in sickness and health” needs love. There’s no other way to make it through together.

I believe that being in love is an action not just a feeling.
inevitably relationship that are emotional rollercoster might be exciting but also draining. For me its a first sign of toxic relationship tbh. The highs are so high and the lows are so low. I cant even think what is it like if you have children in such relationship.
I think love is more when you keep choosing each other, no matter what. respect each other, trying to make life better for each other, contribute to common goals i.e raising children or building house and so on. So the question is whatever you are willing to do that with this person?

Yes I grew up in a house with violence but they stayed together and he grew out of it.

So your mum was abused and your father 'grew out of abusing her'?

How does that work?

So you've never had a good role model - a father or a husband.

Have you considered this is why you can't see the wood for the trees now?

Never rely on any man for money.

I'm not sure I'm reading this right. Are you irritated at people saying they think you do love him? Because that's very very telling if so.

I admit that initially I thought you just had a skewed perspective of relationships because of the excitement of your toxic relationship. I still think that might be the case, but what you're saying about him being a sex pest and really not being attracted to him makes me think perhaps this really isn't a good idea, especially if you're ambivalent about kids. I think most women who had no kids at 37 would know how they felt about it.

Such a difficult one! I married my husband as I adored him but and the big but, the lust does ware off and I love my husband so much but I am going through menopause right now and sex is the last thing I want. If your partner loves you and is very happy with you now then I would say go for it. Even people who marry for love and lust, don't always last. You never know, your feelings may change.

Nothing you've said about him is really about valuing who he is, how he thinks, what's special about him. All of it is about what he can do for you. What he offers you, in terms of lifestyle.

That's why you're so irritated by his sexual needs. He's not supposed to have needs. He's supposed to be for giving you things, not you giving him things.

I have complicated views about "settling". I think it's often unwise, but I recognise that life is long and complicated and love comes in many forms. But I don't even think this is settling. I think it's straight-up using.

Totally agree with this

OP, I married a man similar to yours. We're still married after 19 years, have 2 gorgeous kids and are financially very comfortable. We share many interests, our political and religious views align, he makes me laugh and he's the kindest, most caring man I know. He's also a wonderful dad, great around the house, honest to a fault, generous with his time and money, and we never argue. Our day to day lives are fine.

But we're not happy. I care so much for him, but I'm never going to love him like he loves (loved?) me. I'm just not interested in him sexually even though he's fit and considered attractive - there just isn't any spark and never has been. We haven't had sex at all for nearly 5 years and probably no more than a dozen times in the 5 years before that. We rarely even touch each other these days, let alone cuddle or show affection, because I don't want to get his hopes up that anything more is on the cards.

It's a (half) life that isn't fair to either of us really, but because there isn't an overriding reason to leave the marriage, neither of us have rocked the boat. He's my best friend and the father of my kids so risking our stability for a much more uncertain future doesn't seem worth the risk.

If that's the future you want, go ahead and marry him. But be prepared for a marriage missing love, affection and closeness.

You are being super selfish. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. He deserves someone who actually loves him.

What struck me in your post was the paragraph when you said But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.
As if to say I am not in love because we dont argue. Which is odd.

It’s ludicrous to think just cos a man is sane, solvent and stable there must be something wrong about marrying him.

Ditto that relying on
a DH to support you and his DC is wrong.

A lot of ‘independence’ talk can sound awfully like pub misogyny. Women should never be martyrs.

Was he a sex pest that you hated touching you?

No, she's saying that "mumsnet", which of course thinks & feels as one, expects marriages to become sexless when menopause hits. Posters are therefore lying when they say they still have great sex lives after many years of marriage.

She's already out of sync with her intended and seeing him as a nuisance, but wants to be told that successful marriages end up sexless so not to worry about that 🤔

I'm a huge Psychology nerd* and based on the therapists and schools of thought I follow, these are my thoughts:

You had fights with your ex but he was the love of your life, to me that says your ex triggered your trauma and brought a familiarity.

Your current boyfriend doesn't bring that familiarity, which is why it seems like the spark is not there.

So I would suggest that 1. You work out what did you learn about relationships from your upbringing/experience

1. What traumas/triggers/attachment style you might have.
2. What do you actually need and want in a partner. And this would ideally include not how he makes you feel, but day to day nitty gritty stuff, compatibility stuff, attractiveness etc.
3. If you can afford it, seek a therapist. (It will have to be private I'm afraid because on the NHS it's mostly short therapy for anxiety/depression). They'll help you work out through the above much better than we can.

Only then you can reflect on whether you should marry your boyfriend or not.

*I'm obviously so far from an expert, but I'm hoping my comment can show some insight and is helpful. If I got it all wrong, my apologies, feel free to ignore me ❤️