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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
airey · 07/07/2023 18:42

You describe the first guy as the 'love of your life'... but you had terrible rows? That's not love-of-your-life type behaviour, in either of you. You might want to consider recategorising that whole relationship. It was just 'a relationship'. Life is long. The 'love of your life' is probably in your future.

I think you need to get a decent therapist ASAP and tell them all of this out loud. You might be fascinated by what you hear yourself say to a stranger.

To describe your potential future husband as a 'sex pest' is pretty telling. You should be adoring his every touch, craving his body. To find it icky is a terrible sign. Just think how unbearable it could get when you're postpartum, struggling as every woman does. It's not fair on either of you...

So yes, a therapist could help you figure this out. Your'e only 37, a lot could change yet....

oohyoudevilyou · 07/07/2023 18:43

My best friend is from a different country and had an arranged marriage at 20. Her family chose carefully - a nice man just a few an years older than her from "a good family" who had similar interests and expectations. I was horrified at how she complied and married him just days after graduation. A commitment was made by both and splitting up (unless there was adultery or abuse) would not have been tolerated by family or community. But guess what? 25 years on they are happy, in love and have a great sex life. I'm divorced and have had two other live-in relationships that failed. I chose my own partners, was in love and had great sexual chemistry but it still didn't work out.

CornishTiger · 07/07/2023 18:44

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 18:27

He is horny all the time. When he's like that then every interaction becomes about sex. I just want a fkn cuddle sometimes. I can't stand it. I will initiate sex because I want to but his constant need is really driving me away. I've talked to him about it, he understood for a few weeks but then....

That’s a no for future compatibility.

He can’t control himself. When you are tired from pregnancy, life, kids or just don’t want it is he going to get it elsewhere?

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 07/07/2023 18:47

Personally I would be devastated if I found out that someone married me for a bit of security and a nice lifestyle. And if you don't love someone you are married to then sooner or later you are going to get your head turned in which case the poor bloke as well as being unloved in marriage will get rinced in the divorce as well. Nice one.

Likewhatever · 07/07/2023 18:47

The “sex pest” thing bothers me. His desire for you is obviously greater than yours for him, by a long way. This is a really fundamental difference. He might want a lot of sex throughout a long married life, you will end up not wanting any. He’s not for you.

Chellybelle · 07/07/2023 18:48

Carouselfish · 07/07/2023 17:51

Yes, OP, go for it. It's a much better situation than many, many people are in. And you don't know you won't fall in love later. I think you would really regret it if you didn't.
A lot of people here will take some sort of moral highground and say it's not fair to him BUT there is always one party who loves more in a relationship and for the objectors, it's probably them!
Life isn't a Disney movie and at a certain point, people compromise on things. Some people compromise by getting tangled up with utter morons who treat them like crap, some people compromise by being with people they love and fancy but who they know are a useless liability, some people stay with people hoping they'll change, some people stay with people because they are financially stuck or scared of being alone.
I'm willing to bet, the majority of people who say, don't do it, have made one of those compromises themselves and the minority are in an equal partnership, deeply in love.

Thankfully, lots of us are in a position where we don't need to choose between certain qualities and are good enough that we can have whoever we want. I feel sorry for people that settle for less than they are worth, no offence.

TattoedLady · 07/07/2023 18:48

Him: Mi amor, te amo! Or some other sexy accented 'I love you'.
You: [...]

Fill in the gap.

Channellingsophistication · 07/07/2023 18:49

No, particularly as he wants to “look after you” and you to stay at home and look after babies…

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/07/2023 18:49

So he’s a rich fat man whom you don’t fancy.

What happens if he becomes a poor fat man whom you don’t fancy?

Channellingsophistication · 07/07/2023 18:49

And it doesn’t seem very fair marrying someone for what they can give you….

AmaraTamara · 07/07/2023 18:50

How much of a pest, is it cos your relationship is all new and he's very energetic as he's in love, or is it more of a compulsive sex maniac behaviour? If the former, that's normal especially in the beginning. Men generally want as much sex as they can get! Also, is it ok chemistry wise?

RandomMess · 07/07/2023 18:51

Chemistry can make you attracted and "in love" with the wrong person for you. Was your ex actually good for you, was the dynamic healthy, were you just addicted to a co-dependent relationship?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/07/2023 18:53

I was going to say go for it; there is no reason why marriage can't be undertaken as a pragmatic arrangement.

But ... the sex pest thing is a red flag. You don't want to live like that for the long term.

Are you determined to have children? I could see an arrangement like this working sans kids, perhaps, even with the pestering. But once you are trapped into the life due to the needs of children, you will be at his mercy.

LivinDaylights · 07/07/2023 18:53

oohyoudevilyou · 07/07/2023 18:43

My best friend is from a different country and had an arranged marriage at 20. Her family chose carefully - a nice man just a few an years older than her from "a good family" who had similar interests and expectations. I was horrified at how she complied and married him just days after graduation. A commitment was made by both and splitting up (unless there was adultery or abuse) would not have been tolerated by family or community. But guess what? 25 years on they are happy, in love and have a great sex life. I'm divorced and have had two other live-in relationships that failed. I chose my own partners, was in love and had great sexual chemistry but it still didn't work out.

Wow what a wonderful advert for arranged marriage, why don't we all get one? You can't leave because you'll be disowned (or worse) but hey your friend complied and is still here 25 years later having sex with the man she didn't chose, probably because she has no means to leave. What a heartwarming story.

Delphinium20 · 07/07/2023 18:53

MynameMyname · 07/07/2023 17:21

This probably will be your last chance for a family .

I kind of agree with this. If you were 27, I'd be giving you very different advice and telling you to leave him and find a true love. I did marry my true and passionate love, and I know I'm lucky we found each other at 32, so kids worked out for us. 37 is closer to meaning you may not have kids if you wait 3-5 more years to find another love of your life. For me, children and a family had always been a top priority.

My only caveat is: make 100 percent sure he's a good and kind man. Respect and support can help you weather other storms.

My cousin did what you are considering and she is now late 40s and doesn't have regrets, mainly because she has 3 lovely children, and a stable relationship with a kind man. They aren't rich but she just traveled to Italy on a girls' trip, and together they take their annual island holiday. She has a good life (and a nice house!).

AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2023 18:54

@Blabber1

Whilst I don't have a moral objective per se to marriages of convenience (MoC) there is a lot to be considered.

You're 37. In essence, you are truly signing a 'business contract', although he doesn't know it. Are you really willing to spend possibly 50 years with someone you don't love? Are you willing to uphold your marriage vows, especially the sickness, poorer, worse, and 'keep thee only unto him' vows for that entire time? If Mr Right comes along are you willing to stay in this MoC? Because that would be the morally right thing to do.

It would be morally wrong to enter this MoC if you're secretly keeping an 'escape clause' in the back of your mind. Obviously if he turned abusive, controlling, cheated, or any of those types of behaviour you would be right to end the marriage. But if you just get bored with him, he starts to 'irritate' you, or someone 'better' comes along, morally you need to stick with him. Will you do that? Many of us who truly love our partners get bored or their little foibles start to irritate but it is the love we have for them that gets us through those times. And obviously, cheating doesn't even occur to us.

You said sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour. Is his behaviour because you are pulling back? Would you be pulling back (as much) if you were truly mad for him? Sex is a part of marriage and having sex with him would be part of 'keeping the bargain'. Maybe not every night of the week, but at least enough to keep him basically satisfied. In a marriage based on love sex is a joyous coming together of two people, sharing an intimate connection. In a MOC, it may be joyous for him, but what would it be for you? A duty? A transaction? DH and I are in our 60s and have been married over 35 years. (WARNING TMI) Things may have 'slowed down' a bit in that department, but that part of our marriage is still very much alive (end TMI). Are you willing to perform your 'marital duty' for the next 30+ years?

You have to think of the long, long term. It's all well and good to plan to raise a family with this man and all the busy-ness that entails, but what happens after the DC are grown and gone and it's just you and him? Are you going to be content to spend your declining years with him? Care for him tenderly if he becomes ill or suffers dementia? I watched my mother care for my father when he became ill. It was hard and it was heartbreaking, but she did it with all the love, strength and tenderness that 50+ years worth of a loving marriage had given her. I believe that I will show the same to DH if I am put in that situation because of the love and life we've shared. But in a MoC? I'd think it would be so hard to honour that 'in sickness and in health' vow if I was faced with it as an 'obligation' rather than a gift of love.

Just think very very hard before you make a decision. This man deserves to at least believe with his every fibre that he is in a marriage of love and it will be your job to keep him convinced of that.

Tutu365 · 07/07/2023 18:55

The misalignment on the physical intimacy is your downfall. Run for the hills and find someone you adore physically and emotionally. You both deserve better.

Tutu365 · 07/07/2023 18:56

Ps by ‘physically’ I mean in terms of your sex life

BiscuitsandPuffin · 07/07/2023 18:57

IDK if you're still reading after 7 pages, but what you've described in your post sounds like love to me. Someone you care about, respect, who cares about you and respects you, and for whom both of you will be very happy together.
It's not horny teenager love but your friend is right, that fades, and the solidness underneath that is what keeps you together in the end.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/07/2023 18:57

I've only read your posts and not the whole thread but I think you should let this one go (and consider some therapy around your choice of men.)

You're already having issues with sex with this man.
Consider the possibility that at 37 you might struggle to conceive . If you stay with him just to have a child and it doesn't happen, where does that leave you?

Your former 'love of your life' sounded more like an addiction to drama. The pull-push relationships therapists talk about. Highs and lows, and behaviour that thrives around those two sides of the coin.

Lasting love isn't about the honeymoon period because that doesn't last.
But if you are already picking holes in his sexual behaviour (sex pest) and he's out of shape, that doesn't bode well.

Let him go.

ProfessorXtra · 07/07/2023 18:58

BiscuitsandPuffin · 07/07/2023 18:57

IDK if you're still reading after 7 pages, but what you've described in your post sounds like love to me. Someone you care about, respect, who cares about you and respects you, and for whom both of you will be very happy together.
It's not horny teenager love but your friend is right, that fades, and the solidness underneath that is what keeps you together in the end.

I would read the update.

Switcher · 07/07/2023 18:58

100 years ago this would have been a non issue. Women had to marry to be supported. It's probably a bad idea in this day and age but...if you think you can make it work, why not?

babyproblems · 07/07/2023 18:59

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

I think this is spot on. Forget your ‘ideals’ op… marriage is a very very very long lasting, ever changing negotiation between 2 people who care for each other. There’s no universal definition of the right or wrong marriage (with the exception of violence or abuse obviously.)

DeliciouslyDecadent · 07/07/2023 18:59

Arranged marriages are still happening today in some cultures in the UK.
Some work and some don't. But the women are very much pressurised into those marriages.
The OP isn't one of those.

godmum56 · 07/07/2023 19:00

Nordicrain · 07/07/2023 17:13

"wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. "

Would be a no from me. A man saying this is sure to be old fashion and sexist, two things that would not align with my values and predicts a lifetime of being stuck in charge of all things kids/ domestic.

That's without the fact you don't fancy him.

but if you marry him that's all your independence gone...I wouldn't want to put my whole life in someone else's hands.

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