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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
huntingcunting · 08/07/2023 11:16

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 19:01

Honestly I'm surprised at mumsnet, you're all so understanding of how relationships evolve, menopause etc and the fact that the sex goes. Are all you women saying "you must be utterly in love with the man", still doing it, and when? Do you initiate it? And is your life otherwise perfect? No didn't think so.

I'd imagine most of the women posting here didn't marry some bloke they didn't love who they described as "a sex pest" and said "I can't stand it" about their future husband when he made sexual advances rather than just a cuddle.
I don't know why you are attacking others and asking if their lives are perfect.
You described him as a sex pest and you obviously don't like the way he expresses his sexuality. ie. you aren't sexually compatible and you don't fancy him.
You'd be an absolute fool to marry him. This will only get worse
And if you're hoping his libido will die off fairly soon and you won't have to shag any more in a couple of years, you are taking a massive risk.
Yeah, maybe some married couples do stop shagging fairly early on and still get along great and have a wonderful life and family, but perhaps their libidos were better matched to start with.

However, sounds like you're going to marry him anyway. More fool you. See you in a couple of years with a namechange "My DH wants sex all the time and I've got a 6 month old baby and I'm exhausted. AIBU"

StormShadow · 08/07/2023 11:50

I consider sex to be very important in my relationship and would struggle with any real dry spell. I still wouldn't marry someone I thought was a sex pest, even if I did love them.

Mirabai · 08/07/2023 12:17

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 20:19

OK so questions from the comments:,

  1. Do you all actually shag your husbands every minute of every day or is it just us that should feel like utter shit for not being into it?
  2. The sex goes. We All know that. So why Are you telling me it's important when in the end we know practically none of your are actually having sex with your husbands.
  1. Many poster have told you he’s a sex pest and he won’t change. They’re not constantly shagging their DHs nor are they being pestered into it.
  2. Attraction may fade over time in some cases but sex pests’ sex drive don’t necessarily decrease. Incompatible sex drives are major source of contention in marriages. If it’s like this now how will it be when you’ve had kids and you don’t want any for some time.
anonacfr · 08/07/2023 12:18

OP, I'm confused. You brought up sex as a huge issue by saying he's a sex pest and you can't stand it, yet you're calling MNetters as hypocrites when they advise you to leave the relationship? Because in your words, sex goes so why is everyone making a big deal out of it.
The issue here is that sex is already a problem for you and you're not even married. So yes, getting married in these circumstances seems mad.

Takeitonthechin · 08/07/2023 18:04

Don't do it, you will regret it and end up ruining your own life as well as your husbands and children's

Sunsetandsunrise · 08/07/2023 18:06

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 01:32

That's horrible.

There are far worse things than a life without giving birth. Being a grown woman shackled to and economically dependent on a man, for one thing. Especially if he is just being used for his wallet and his reproductive capacity.

I just hate this mentality that anything, no matter how lowdown, scurvy and contemptible, is better than being childfree. On a burning planet teeming with 8 billion people, women need to find some other way to fulfill themselves. Did you see the latest information this week on the climate change emergency?

Show quote history

Precisely…and btw if she does want kids there are many many women having kids well into their 40s.

Lemonandginger1 · 08/07/2023 18:16

Don't do it. If you're thinking of marrying him for fear of being lonely or something, you need to take some time and work on loving yourself first

Sunsetandsunrise · 08/07/2023 18:26

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 08/07/2023 07:16

And to be honest all the women who are like ‘I’d be happy with DH even if he was poor’ are not really being truthful in my opinion. Financial stress can easily shatter a marriage and cause resentment between partners. It’s easy to say that you’d love your partner even if you were both really poor and struggling every day but it’s much harder to actually stay together under that amount of pressure.

This is a good point, i think perhaps a balance needs to be struck as financial problems are one of the biggest causes of divorce. However if you just see someone’s worth in terms of their ability to provide that’s also a problem.

Winnipeg23 · 08/07/2023 18:38

I haven't read whole thread, but I would have major concerns about the cultural aspects of this guy. Lots of men from different cultures are VERY loving and romantic and 100% all in until they are married. Then u get dumped with the kids and the drudgery while they out enjoying life. And what sounds like lots of lovely holidays abroad will.be him at home in his comfort zone with his family and friends and you missing ur home.and family and friends.
That on top of Ur misgivings....big fat no from me..take Ur time. Learn to stand on Ur own to feet and not be dependent on anyone. Giving someone financial control of Ur life is dangerous I'd say.
My tuppence worth.

Cariadm · 08/07/2023 18:42

onefinemess · 07/07/2023 17:09

Say to him what you have said in your post. If he is OK with that, plan your wedding.

If he isn't OK with it, then you have your answer.

I so totally disagree with your suggestion!! It's unnecessary, not sensible and very confrontational...potential husband might not know what to say or do and any chance of a good marriage/relationship could be severely affected!! OP should make the decision herself as he will probably already know what the depth and type of feelings she has for him and it sounds like he's happy with the situation?! Why poke the bear and risk losing what could be a great partnership, because at the end of the day that's what marriage is, along with compromise and the reality of accepting and making the best of what life throws at you as you go through it!!

Polarpaws · 08/07/2023 18:42

You sound like you love him, but are not "in love" with him. I'd go for it if I was you.
Being "in love" is completely over rated in my opinion. I was in love loads of times in my youth - none of them would have lasted a lifetime, including the so called "love of my life".
Long term relationships last the distance - 20, 30, 40 years - not based on love but on compatibility.

GreensAreGoodForYou · 08/07/2023 18:48

You/he sound quite a bit like me and my now-ex (same age, similar feelings, him similarly from a different cultural background). On paper, so to speak, he seemed perfect for making a family. And, unlike a lot of British men (not all, but a lot!), seemed keen to make a family etc. I also had doubts, voiced them, and got talked out of my doubts by a friend/family member.

Fast forward 15 years and he's my ex, a narcissist who completely and utterly hoodwinked me into believing the caring, funny, generous, kind, intelligent persona he presented when we met and kept up right until we had our first child. Of course, your bloke may be nothing like that, just a really lovely person... but I'd say listen to that doubt. We doubt for good reason!

Also, total random aside - what's his relationship like with his mother/father/other family members? Looking back my ex's relationship with his mother was a major red flag that I ignored, simply because one red flag didn't seem enough (and it could have turned out not to be relevant I suppose). Benefit of hindsight and all that!

Anyway, I say LISTEN to that doubt. If you're not desperate for a family at your age (I was), then you have even less reason to get into such a 'forever' set-up with a man you have doubts about. Good luck!

GreensAreGoodForYou · 08/07/2023 18:50

Winnipeg23 · 08/07/2023 18:38

I haven't read whole thread, but I would have major concerns about the cultural aspects of this guy. Lots of men from different cultures are VERY loving and romantic and 100% all in until they are married. Then u get dumped with the kids and the drudgery while they out enjoying life. And what sounds like lots of lovely holidays abroad will.be him at home in his comfort zone with his family and friends and you missing ur home.and family and friends.
That on top of Ur misgivings....big fat no from me..take Ur time. Learn to stand on Ur own to feet and not be dependent on anyone. Giving someone financial control of Ur life is dangerous I'd say.
My tuppence worth.

Yes, this! My ex was from a different culture, and what you've described is so accurate. EVEN though he was/is a self-professed feminist, loved that I was independent and working etc when we met. All that disappeared once we had our first child. I think it's very much a cultural thing, difficult to shake off even with the most open mind/attitude.

Itsbeennice · 08/07/2023 18:51

Go for it. My DH and I don't love each other in the Jane Austen sense, but we have a completely brilliant time, we are on exactly the same page with our views on parenting, and the only thing missing is enough money for holidays!
We can also let go of arguments easily and have really low expectations at birthdays and Christmases, so we're never disappointed.
I do miss the fluttery excitement of desire, but I wouldn't change what we have for that. We wake up and have laughed, giggled or been silly within the first half hour. "Love" is overrated, changes over time, and can be a burden.

Beelezebub · 08/07/2023 18:52

Good god, DON’T do it

ProfessorXtra · 08/07/2023 19:02

Itsbeennice · 08/07/2023 18:51

Go for it. My DH and I don't love each other in the Jane Austen sense, but we have a completely brilliant time, we are on exactly the same page with our views on parenting, and the only thing missing is enough money for holidays!
We can also let go of arguments easily and have really low expectations at birthdays and Christmases, so we're never disappointed.
I do miss the fluttery excitement of desire, but I wouldn't change what we have for that. We wake up and have laughed, giggled or been silly within the first half hour. "Love" is overrated, changes over time, and can be a burden.

You married a sex pest? And felt you couldn’t stand the way he acted when dating? And you married someone who knew you weren’t happy with the way he pestered for sex, but carried on doing it regardless?

How did that transform into a mutually beneficial marriage? Because if you are going to recommend Op marries a sex pest, who doesn’t give a shot about her boundaries or consent, you really should give her Gen advice on how that turns into a great marriage.

BHRK · 08/07/2023 19:02

If you want children then yes, I would 100% marry him and have them.
If he wants to pay for you to have a good life, if you like each others company and you could build a good life as parents, why wouldn't you? You could spend your life waiting for the perfect combination of hot sex, loving partner, good dad material and solvent. It might never come. Your ex sounds like a nightmare

Kteeb1 · 08/07/2023 19:03

I think you need some counselling. You sound more you have a view of what love is which may not be other people's view. You are also not over your ex. Sounds like you have a trauma bond and you need to work through it. You shouldn't be marrying anyone until you have done that.

BeautifulBettyBoo · 08/07/2023 19:09

If you never saw this guy again how would you feel.....Love is not always about passion that soon wears off when up to your neck in nappies sometimes love has a different meaning

CaptainCrunchies · 08/07/2023 19:09

I personally would only marry for love; my marriage isn't fire and passion, it is a few arguments here and there, smiles over who deals with the dirty nappies, mutual tiredness but mutual respect and knowing that if I didn't have them I wouldn't have a reason to smile. They don't have to be your "soulmate" to mean the world to you.

Also OP what will you do when your wedding vows say "to love and cherish", just nod and smile weakly?

HopelessEstateAgents · 08/07/2023 19:11

He sounds sexist and old fashioned. I'd run for the hills

Completelydonechick · 08/07/2023 19:15

What IS love anyway?

Grandmanetty · 08/07/2023 19:15

I realised the 'love of my life' was never going to commit to me so went on to marry a man who truly loved me. I respected DH and trusted him but was not in love with him. I did not marry for money or lifestyle as he was an apprentice and broke when we married. We have now been married for 52yrs, have several chidren and grandchildren and I love him with all my heart. Love can grow slowly and there are different types of love. I still think of the 'love of my life' at times but wouldn't swap my DH for anyone.

DrSbaitso · 08/07/2023 19:18

Side point, but you don't have to make the traditional wedding vows. All you have to do is confirm that you know of no lawful impediment to the marriage and that you take the other person to be your lawfully wedded spouse.

(Might be different for religious ceremonies, but legally this is all you need.)

Elliecat7 · 08/07/2023 19:22

It’s just not honest if he doesn’t know how you feel. Do you think he’d want to marry you if he knew? What will happen when he figures that out? He’ll have affairs. Would that bother you? It’s not a marriage in your eyes, it’s a business deal. How could you respect yourself? Plus, when the two of you fight, the underlying love that people stick it out for won’t be there to fall back on. And his income isn’t steady. What happens when there’s financial difficulties? First he’ll annoy you, then you’ll resent him, then you’ll wonder why you settled. You deserve better and so does he.