To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

My husband is from a culture where they marry for reasons like this - security and a nice future for themselves and their kids. It’s VERY normal in a lot of cultures. They believe you grow to love one another more and more as you live your lives and that marriages are based on mutual respect. And you know what? I don’t notice any significant differences between the marriages of our friends in DH’s culture compared with my British friends. If anything, in DH’s culture marriages are more stable and secure because they’re viewed in this way - as something to be actively worked on by both parties. So - I would marry him!

And to be honest all the women who are like ‘I’d be happy with DH even if he was poor’ are not really being truthful in my opinion. Financial stress can easily shatter a marriage and cause resentment between partners. It’s easy to say that you’d love your partner even if you were both really poor and struggling every day but it’s much harder to actually stay together under that amount of pressure.

So were those your reasons for marrying each other?

I saw something that suggested that marrying someone who you love and respect and can grow together with is a Bette choice than going off passion (that's short lived).

I have been a piss poor single parent. You are right. Money worries can destroy people.

However, I am no longer piss poor due to my own career. My now Dp earns far less than me and I still love him. You could, I do you took his wage in isolation, say he was quite poor. I fell in love with him anyway.

Money worries can destroy people and destroy marriages.

However, I would opt to be piss poor rather than im a marriage where your partner is as sex pest, can’t give affection without it turning into sex, who ignored me when I told him how I felt and carried on. I would rather be poor than in a relationship where a few months in I was think ‘I can’t stand when you do this’.

That sort of behaviour also destroys people and marriages too

Which is the situation with the Op.

I think it's true that you shouldn't underestimate the stress that money can put on a marriage. I think it can be even worse than an affair. It's the number one thing that couples argue about.

At the same time, if money is the only reason for marrying someone, you both had better be clear that you can live with everything else that entails and you're satisfied with the deal. You should also both be aware that that's what the deal is.

Be very careful. Are you sure that after you marry (and are totally dependent on him as you've stated), he won't use sex as a bargaining tool? That is, you have to have sex whether you like it or not for him to buy you things, treat you nicely? You've already said he gets arsey if you don't consent. That is not a loving relationship and you already have the ick about it. It will be much worse when children come along.

Honestly, there will be such a power imbalance in this relationship, particularly when children come along. It's not what you want to hear, but you will not be happy. At the moment you're probably thinking that everything will work out ok, even if you're not in love with him, but the doubts you're having WILL eventually catch up with you.

Part of my answer comes from working in the legal field and 2 years on divorce cases. You’d be surprised how many women pop in to see solicitors to ask about divorce and how much they’d “get” and then for whatever reason don’t go ahead. Not so much men funnily enough!

We had a few clients who got married later in life and had children. One woman married an Egyptian man (she was white). The relationship was already tumultuous but after they had DC I hope it improved.

I was 37 and single and then dating whilst there - internet dating mostly. I also had clients and estate agents ask me out. Yes my biological clock was ticking but I’d always been 50/50 re having them and with the right man. My best friend then got pregnant at 35 which was a surprise as she thought she couldn’t have DC (been married before). The father was a total bellend and when they broke up when her DD was under 2 paid as little in support as he could, I did tell her to marry him and they were engaged after her birth but she broke it off. I think she went ahead with the birth because it was her last chance and got back with the abusive twat a few years later because, last chance and he was in her words “her child’s father”.

In my case there were lots of divorces and half and step siblings all over the place so that put me off too!

If you mean your husband is from eg an Indian or Pakistani culture so Sikh/Hindu/Muslim religion then yes arranged marriages are common. Forced marriages are also common (heard this first hand).

As I understand from people in arranged marriages there’s usually thought gone into them eg characters, maybe zodiac signs etc. Some cultures insist that the couple are both from the same village.

A few of these cultures do a love marriage which is less popular.

What you don’t hear about so much is when these marriages fail and often they’re encouraged to Nak’d these marriages work so as to not bring shame on the family. Luckily if the couple see brought up and born in Uk/western world then on the whole divorce isn’t seen as taboo even in these cultures nowadays. I’ve known a few Hindu or Sikh women who’ve got divorced after being pressurised into an arranged marriage. One has remarried and is happy the last one I know of struggled a bit to meet someone.

Yeah, I have plenty of friends from cultures like this too. A number of their parents actively dislike - in one case, passionately hate - each other, but are nonetheless stuck together because of cultural expectations. It is miserable, for everybody.

I can’t believe all these “handmaids” telling OP it’s fine to marry a sex pest, or have they not read anything past the first post?

Even though he constantly pesters her for sex? As I’ve had that myself it would be a deal breaker regardless of any other qualities they had.

Calling it honeymoon stuff sounds like a short period.

He’s a sex pest now, that could continue for years, decades. It’s a gamble to marry on the bet he’ll just want to stop sex soon.

I can assure you that being with someone who constantly badgers you for sex (on top of the sex you already have), who gets moody or sulky when you decline is not a honeymoon period and doesn’t die down. When your first thoughts if they’re ill is thank god I get a break from his pestering, creeping quietly out of bed at night to go to the loo so you don’t wake him and get him ‘going’, when you actively move to other rooms so you’re not together because of the relentless sex requests from a man who left his horny teenage years behind decades ago, I can tell you it’s soul destroying. When all you want is a cuddle without being mauled seems like an unreasonable request you will yearn for your single days.

Over the centuries people have married for a variety of different reasons, the acquisition of land, to link families together etc. Not to mention arranged marriages. If this is genuinely what you want OP, then go for it - who are we to judge?

For centuries women have been in miserable marriages where their sex pest husbands believe consent isn’t applicable in a relationship. Just like this man

Another thing OP is that if this is about you having children, is this the sort of marriage you’d want to model to them? Marrying someone who is a sex pest for financial security?

@ProfessorXtra for centuries many women who married for love have also found themselves miserable

And for centuries women that married to join lands and get financial security had no other option than to stay in the marriage, remember the old days? Women were not allowed bank accounts, there were no laws for domestic violence, no financial independence and divorce arrived in 1969. Leaving a marriage was just not an option so I'm a bit shocked when I hear on this board that "women have traditionally married for money and it worked". Yes, it worked in 1850 during a strong patriarchal system, of course it worked.

Where did I say they didn’t?

But suggesting marriages have been fine for centuries, if they are based on land, money or alliances, is ridiculous. Women, for centuries, couldn’t leave. You have no idea how many were happy or not.

Women who marry someone who doesn’t believe they have the right to consent, wether by force or by choice, isn’t a marriage that’s should be encouraged.

Suggesting the Op marries a sex pest that she is already got to the point she can’t stand him, on the basis that marriages used to be built on practical factors is really poor advice.

If he read this thread and knew how you felt I'd hope he'd have the self respect to not marry you. Are you planning on telling him?

If he's from an EU country then it's more like marrying him for his passport ;)

YABU. If there’s no love there at the beginning, you’ll end up despising him by the end. And he wants you to give up work and just mind the kids?? Massive red flag. Could be controlling.

What if he takes your DC off to live in this Southern European country? What if he’s just using you to have kids? What if you hate being a SAHM and feel trapped?

On no account should you do this.

Why is everyone saying love deepens? Have they read the Relationships section?! It's full of women who don't really fancy their husbands or having sex with them or carrying on with them but are financially trapped and don't want them to miss out on seeing their dad. It seems to me 'friends' relationships struggle to go the distance.

I also don't agree the passion has to die down, yes, the quantity of sex might die down, but what about fancying the other person, liking their smell, cuddling at night, flirting, the best relationships continue this indefinitely? (as well as arguing, being normal).

Of course women without independent means used to marry or stay married for land or money. We don't have to do that anymore which is why the divorce rate is high and why so many educated women are choosing to remain childfree or not bother marrying (or earning enough they could do so independently).