To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

Jesus, no. You already sound ever so slightly miserable and are resigning yourself to more misery.

Have a child by yourself, build your career off your own bat. Don’t rely on a man you find philosophically sweet but essentially unattractive.

He paid for everything.

Why are women still so afraid of self sufficiency? And likely passing htis on to their daughters. It reeks of internalised patriarchal neediness and really isn't helping fix the equality gap.

Would you marry him if he was a kind soul yet unwell and claiming benefits? Or are men only useful for sperm donorship and mortgage security? And we wonder why so many people are dulled and unfulfilled in life.

Do not marry a sex pest. Trust me it won’t end well.

If you were attracted to him never mind in love you would want to have sex with him and not consider him a pest.

Pest- someone who turns me off.

Cut him and yourself loose

I think go for it. You're no spring chicken and everyone has the heartbreaker ex that got away. Noone will come close to him but if that's history then time to move on. Your love will grow and grow - the lustful honeymoon stuff would die away anyway.

'Love' is a nebulous term. You seem to have some unhealthy perceptions of 'love' that include 'drama/excitement/passionate highs and lows' - that isn't love. It's an 80's teen romance. So your concept of love is skewed and screwed.
But you still shouldn't marry this man. You've called him a sex pest - then tried to dial back from how critical that sounds. Regardless of his behaviour, it speaks to your deep unease with those interactions and either a lack of affection and respect - or he is genuinely a sex pest who constantly pushes against your boundaries.
It sounds as though he's great at future faking. And you're drawn to dysfunction and drama. No child deserves to be brought into such instability.

@Ryanstartedthefire2 the lustful honeymoon stuff would die away anyway.

Sure, but that may take a while, in the mean time you're going to have to deal with a "sex pest" who will turn angry and frustrated at some point once he figures out you don't want to have sex with him. This relationship is clearly about financial security so I would make sure I get married to "sex pest" before bringing any children just in case shit hits the fan and you to walk out with some money in your pockets.

Honestly? I would do it. But I know I could be happy in that situation. I'd certainly be much much happier than not having children and I love being at home. I also don't think marrying for love is any more likely to succeed than marrying for security. You sound like you enjoy the same lifestyle and enjoy his company. I believe love can grow.

I was also madly in love with a guy once and it was a total disaster so I'm obviously biased!

You’re 37 and haven’t had children yet, so I’m assuming having children is not that important to you right?
if it’s because you’ve suddenly realised you do want a family then I’d say go for it, because it’s probably your last chance to do it.

I would rather be found as a corpse in my house months after I died than do this!

At least this way you can have some kids. If you don’t marry him you likely won’t have any kids because it’s getting too late to find someone else. A bird in the hand and all that…

That's horrible.

There are far worse things than a life without giving birth. Being a grown woman shackled to and economically dependent on a man, for one thing. Especially if he is just being used for his wallet and his reproductive capacity.

I just hate this mentality that anything, no matter how lowdown, scurvy and contemptible, is better than being childfree. On a burning planet teeming with 8 billion people, women need to find some other way to fulfill themselves. Did you see the latest information this week on the climate change emergency?

Show him some respect.

You need to tell him you are not in love with him and see what he says.

Otherwise you are in thie relationship selfishly.

'In love' is just a load of chemicals unleashed on your system by Nature trying to get you pregnant.

Do you like, respect and enjoy being with him? Do you have fun together? Share interests, values, beliefs? Are you good friends? Do you fancy him at all? Do you feel safe, secure, respected, comfortable around him? Do you treat him well?

If yes that strikes me as a good marriage in the making.

Totally agree with this

Love might be a feeling but it is mostly a doing...and a doing when the going gets tough.
If you feel you can love and respect each other for years then what is to loose?
Be honest, generous and give it your all.

If you already think he is a sex pest you would be mad to marry him. I've been with my husband for over thirty years and love him more than ever. We probably spent most of the first couple of years in bed, it clearly isn't like that any more (who has the time?) but I still fancy him like mad! We still have a brilliant time together, it was my birthday yesterday and we ended up dancing until 4 AM (paying for it today though!). Don't marry this guy, you already have the ick and you will end up despising him, life is too short and precious for that.

OT:
But not everyone cares that much, or at all about sex.
Some have low/no libido.
Or sex is just some neutral thing.

Are people saying that these people can’t / shouldn’t ever get married?
I’m asking those who say you have to fancy them like mad.
But some people care and want more love, rather than sex.
I know there are people who say sex is clue to a relationship (whatever that means) but not all see sex as that way…

I would hope if she told her family/friends that he is a sex pest, that she spoke to him about it and he still does and she can’t stand him touching her sometimes they would have told her to run for the hills.

Terrible idea. If you find him sex pest-y now then kids will be the nail in the coffin- you’ll be climbing the walls with annoyance. Also finances change- if you wouldn’t marry him if he was poor or just reasonably off, don’t marry him at all. And also I agree, don’t jump in to being a SAHP, for many marriages this completely changes the power dynamics and can lead to the SAHP becoming the house drudge with no financial independence.

i don’t think people are saying people with low sex drives shouldn’t get married. but it’s already at the point she is fed up of being pestered for sex there’s a huge issue.

Low sex drive is an issue in many relationships when there’s a mismatch of sex drives. There’s a mismatch here.

It’s the mismatch that’s an issue. But I don’t think Op says she has a low sex drive in general. She simply doesn’t appear to be attracted to him at all. To the point she can’t stand him to touch her sometimes.

Op clearly, at least, wants some affection and she isn’t getting that without the expectation it leads to sex. And she dislikes it. That’s the issue.

and if she has a normal sex drive, but doesn’t fancy or want sex with him, it won’t be long before that causes her problems.

My ex was like this and it totally spoilt our relationship. From the minute he was awake he’d be going on about it. I wouldn’t mind but we had an active sex life anyway so the added badgering and sulking/moodiness on top of that was just too much. It got to the stage where I avoided being in the same room as him, I yearned to have a relationship that wasn’t all about the sex. Years of this will affect your mental well being. Even now, several years after our split, I still love the fact that I don’t have to deal with his incessant need for sex. On the face of it we had a great life, expensive holidays, no money worries, I was a SAHM but I could never be with someone like that again.

Can you see how you’re exaggerating and dramatizing what people have said to the point where it’s no longer realistic in any way?

That’s why you’re confused. If you consider what people have ACTUALLY said rather than trying to make sense of a melodramatic misrepresentation, you’ll find clarity.

And that is: Healthy relationships involve two partners who are happy with the same amount of sex. For most couples, that starts out with lots of sex and eases off to a few times a month. For some couples, sex continue to be a major part of their lives. For some others, it is rare to non-existent. But any relationship where one partner wants considerably more sex than the other is categorically unhealthy, and your relationship is already in that category. You just don’t want to hear that because it means you’ll feel bad about marrying your partner for his money and the chance to have babies.

OP lots of relationships survive with low levels of sex. Few survive when one partner sees the other as a 'sex pest'. There's a big difference.

Of course you are making a mistake. You're basically only marrying him for financial security, as you have failed to establish a career for yourself.
He deserves better than you.