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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2023 22:34

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 21:57

I'm not a troll but I find it really find it really confusing to read constant sympathetic posts about overly sexual partners and different sex drives but when I post about it it's basically "me and my husband do it constantly so there must be something wrong with you because no relationship ever survived without the sex we told you 5 minutes ago wasn't a big deal"

Most of those threads dealing with incompatible libidos generally advise the poster to leave the marriage if their husband is an unrepentant 'sex pest'. And as some have pointed out, most of those posters indicate that there wasn't an incompatibility (or as big a one) when they first married or got together, but that childbirth/motherhood or other life events have affected the woman's libido.

You're proposing to marry a man you already think is a sex pest. I think it's safe to say that you're sexually incompatible, either because you simply don't love him/aren't attracted to him or because you physiologically have different libidos. Even if you loved him madly, most posters would still be telling you to think very carefully before marrying him.

You're micro-focusing on the sexual aspect of marriage. Yes, that's very important. But I think you're focusing on it in order to ignore that there are a lot of other factors to be considered before entering a MoC. Are you willing to uphold your end of those for the rest of your (or his) life? You could be shagging each other like rabbits, but that won't make a successful MoC, not if you want both of you to be happy.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:35

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:33

@willWillSmithsmith

Honestly, I wasn't being rude. It's just OP had made this ex

Whoops.

OP had made it explicitly clear & many posters had commented on it, so even reading the OP's posts on a long enough thread would probably be a good idea.

mokebox · 07/07/2023 22:37

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

This a hundred times over. I think the idea of being in love as some kind of passionate, sometimes volatile thing is almost quite immature. Being in love and loving someone takes many different forms. You do need to at least fancy him, but mutual respect, kindness & similar goals & values are much more important for a marriage in my opinion.

Also, real love grows & deepens over time as you share life experiences together.

If you go for it, you do need to let go of this notion of your ex and fully commit to it though, but it sounds to me like it's something that will make you happy & content. I don't think it's selfish provided you're equally committed to making it work.

Don't tell him you don't love him as it doesn't actually sound like that's true.

Its947 · 07/07/2023 22:40

Just wondering, if you could imagine for a bit if he no longer wanted you. That he decided you weren’t for him and left and you had no contact with him. What might that make you feel like? Would you desperately want him in your life, would it make you panic you may never see him again? Or would you be not that bothered other than the material inconvenience.
I didn’t think I was so bothered about my bf then he ditched me, fed up with not being prioritised. He was so devoted but wasn’t getting the same back. When he left I didn’t think I was so bothered as he was way more into me than I him, few weeks later and I quickly realised he was the one I wanted, I’d messed up and not appreciated a great thing and taken so much for granted. Ofcourse you may not feel like that but it worth a ponder.

JudyEdithPerry · 07/07/2023 22:40

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:41

VinoVeritas1 · 07/07/2023 20:36

@DrSbaitso

I've always loved his touch even when I'm too tired, hormonal or sad

This is lovely & how you should feel. Simple truth here

Yes, that's very sweet. 😌

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:43

Well put @nameXname

Highdaysandholidays1 · 07/07/2023 22:44

A few things strike me. One is that you are frustrated in your career, PhD that hasn't perhaps led where you want- is he also an academic? It's easy to think you will want to be a SAHP to solve this void, but that's for a few years only, even if you have children (which you don't know if you can). Very unlikely if you are driven enough to do a PhD that you will give up on having an interesting career altogether, and getting together with this man and going to his family (Mediterranean MIL, I have one, good luck!) for holidays is not going to substitute for that. If he's also an academic and starts to get successful as often men do at that stage, you will be very frustrated.

I also think if you haven't fallen in love yet you never will be- after a couple of months travelling with him. So, this is is: this is the best the love, the sex and the bond are going to be. It sounds...ok.

I think you are willing this to be right so it solves your life problems, but I think it will probabl

Highdaysandholidays1 · 07/07/2023 22:45

I think you are willing this to be right so it solves your life problems, but I think it will probably create a whole new set.

Greengrassoh · 07/07/2023 22:47

You're doing the equivalent of complaining that people don't support you to light a bonfire in the living room, but are kind when someone's house has burned down

this!

tara66 · 07/07/2023 22:47

''Whatever 'in love' means''.

Butchyrestingface · 07/07/2023 22:50

tara66 · 07/07/2023 22:47

''Whatever 'in love' means''.

<Pwince Charles has entered the Chat>

Sandra1984 · 07/07/2023 22:53

the OP may have gone from a drama fuelled relationship with man who she wanted to shag senseless to a peaceful relationship with a guy she doesn't want to shag. She's gone from one extreme to the other.I think the OP has some difficulties with figuring out what a healthy relationship looks like. Again, I would speak to a counsellor/therapist,maybe a marriage counsellor. I would not bring the BF with me yet till I don't figure out my shi.t.

Original poster
Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 22:54

Don't apologise, you but helped me!

OP posts:
Grumpy101 · 07/07/2023 22:57

Honestly you sound 17 not 37, very immature. Yes, sex in a long term relationship goes up and down BUT if you don't fancy him now, you're going to find him disgusting in a few years. And a sex pest is not ok. You seem to not really understand what a healthy respectful relationship is so I suggest you break up and get some therapy. He sounds gross.

ManyMaybes · 07/07/2023 23:04

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

I think this is probably the most accurate post I’ve seen on Mumsnet. Spot on.

Groutyonehereagain · 07/07/2023 23:05

Don’t marry a sex pest, FFS.

BartholemewHolmes · 07/07/2023 23:07

ManyMaybes · 07/07/2023 23:04

I think this is probably the most accurate post I’ve seen on Mumsnet. Spot on.

Show quote history

Really?

Did you read the sex pest posts

Dalekjastninerels · 07/07/2023 23:08

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP

I'm sorry, but what century is this? 1423? It must be.. you will be sent to the convent by the menfolk if you do that marry this man?

NooNooHead1981 · 07/07/2023 23:11

LoveHeartsFan · 07/07/2023 20:58

Your other half’s romantic idea is just that, romantic and ill-informed. Sorry to shatter your ideas but it really isn’t beautiful. It made me shiver.

Is it a national idiom of his country or something he’s made up? It sounds like the latter. Why not ask him? That might give you some insight.

If he’s the mast, then what are you? The hull? He’s expecting you to carry everything? And you do know that in a storm the mast can go by the board, right? The mast cracks and the ship cannot be saved, and it can kill the crew as it crashes down. Or is he expecting you to lash yourself to the mast in extremis, clinging to him come what may, even if it puts off the inevitable? Does he see himself as the captain and you as crew? It seems too that you see yourself as very much ‘crew’ and not as equals.

I’m afraid this suggests to me he might have pie-in-the-sky ideas on his part, and compared to the practical and financial aspects on your side, you don’t sound compatible.

You never know if you can both weather the storms of life together and it sounds as if you may already be in dangerous waters.

Show quote history

This was the best reply I've read on MN - really well written 👏

Ohyesthankyouglitter · 07/07/2023 23:11

Who says that the love you feel at the start of a relationship needs to be the pinnacle????? In any healthy couple, love deepens and grows, develops and matures.
Obvs I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but as someone who would say they married a man who they weren't (and aren't) madly in love with, I just don't think those fluttery feelings are the be-all and end-all.

Can you trust his character? What do your family/friends think?

Spreadbed · 07/07/2023 23:14

i don’t know what the answer is here, I couldn’t do it because it would feel like a lie, but I can see why you would do this.

I do however think you are romanticising and seeing your ‘love of your life’ through rose tinted glasses. Those sorts of relationships where it’s passion driven and you argue all the time and it’s like out of a young adult novel never last and isn’t the real love you’d want in a long term partner. You need to try and move on from this person if you’re going to settle down with anyone else.

Dalekjastninerels · 07/07/2023 23:20

Dalekjastninerels · 07/07/2023 23:08

OP

I'm sorry, but what century is this? 1423? It must be.. you will be sent to the convent by the menfolk if you do that marry this man?

Show quote history

Do not obviously!

Could we have an edit button please!

Anyway OP

Don't do it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 23:25

Highdaysandholidays1 · 07/07/2023 22:44

A few things strike me. One is that you are frustrated in your career, PhD that hasn't perhaps led where you want- is he also an academic? It's easy to think you will want to be a SAHP to solve this void, but that's for a few years only, even if you have children (which you don't know if you can). Very unlikely if you are driven enough to do a PhD that you will give up on having an interesting career altogether, and getting together with this man and going to his family (Mediterranean MIL, I have one, good luck!) for holidays is not going to substitute for that. If he's also an academic and starts to get successful as often men do at that stage, you will be very frustrated.

I also think if you haven't fallen in love yet you never will be- after a couple of months travelling with him. So, this is is: this is the best the love, the sex and the bond are going to be. It sounds...ok.

I think you are willing this to be right so it solves your life problems, but I think it will probabl

@Highdaysandholidays1

good post 👍

read this op ⬆️ @Blabber1

JaneyGee · 07/07/2023 23:34

JamSandle · 07/07/2023 17:07

The million dollar question.

Marry for love or security/practicality.

Neither are wrong.

Sometimes, it’s more like “marry for happiness or love.” The sexy, exciting, dazzling people are often impossible to live with. The dull, kind-hearted plodder, on the other hand, is usually easy.