To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

Sex may or may not change in a long term marriage, we are all different. But 25 years in I still love his touch, a kiss, holding his hand. These should be willing acts of loving. He drives me mad on many levels and I’m sure it’s reciprocated. It’s not been as easy marriage at all. We argue, and politically are worlds apart m. But his hand on my waist in the kitchen when I’m cooking or in a pub with friends still makes me smile. Only you know if you’re settling op, but if you do then make sure you agree to the terms and conditions and do so wholeheartedly… and sex is very much part of this for the next however many year… it ain’t over once you get kids. I know people at 70+ with a healthy sex life

^This^!

I think if you really want kids and a husband but are prepared to be bored and not in love then go for it. The other thing I’d worry about is you’d get divorced and he either stays in this country or moves back to his country but either wants joint custody or would mess around staying here but taking them home or due to his issues makes your life a misery whilst you’re divorced.

In the past when women had to marry men to keep them or men had to marry a woman if they had kids and were widowed then I can see how love wouldn’t always be there, same with arranged marriages (but at least they try match the man and woman).

One woman friend of mine from I think Vietnam was approaching 37 and no partner, her parents arranged for her to marry someone from Vietnam who she told me thought was just after a British passport. I hope for her sake she’s happy (we lost touch) as she was lovely and in a nice creative job. Another friend of mine had had terrible experiences with men and went to an old fashioned dating agency and met someone. They fell in love and got married but I’m never sure if she married him because she desperately wanted to get married, she’s also foreign (not that that should make any difference) but an ex of hers who was Spanish parents but born in England, his mother accused her of marrying him for a British passport!

If I’ve fallen out of love or with someone I’m not in love with I usually end it. I was with someone I didn’t love and it was awful, he knew it and I was fond of him (and told him I loved him) but should’ve ended it before it got serious on his part.

Another vote for this.

You are looking for someone to look after you. That is not the basis of a marriage, or a relationship at all.

The fact you think an ex you were in a miserable relationship with is concerning. If someone treats you badly, then they don't truly love or respect you. Just because you fell head over heels for a man that was ultimately a bad match does not make him 'the one'.

I wouldn't marry your DP. He deserves to be with someone that loves him, not just someone that treats him well. That said, maybe you need to have a good, hard look at the type of men you fall for before heading into a new relationship.

I think the only thing separating you and many other people is that you are being honest here.

how many times do you see a hot wife with a fat, boring but rich guy in IT or finance? Yeah- love is blind, but they can’t ALL be passionately in love with human potatoes with bland personalities.

I married for ‘love/passion’. It was a complete disaster and miserable every day. That was because he was totally unstable and didn’t offer the financial security your partner offers. Life is shit with someone who is terrible with money and irresponsible.

From my perspective, I can totally see why you’re considering stability. I wish I’d chosen it.

now I’m out the other side and have had kids, I can honestly say I’d choose being alone. I’m not interested in tying myself to some boring bastard for a big house.

sorry - I’m probably no help here. It’s a tough question and if there was an obvious answer, we’d all do it!

but wanted to let you know, many of us face this dilemma.

just choose what’s right for you. Best of luck!

Live with him but do not give up your own money and independence.
always have away out if you need it !

I'm not a troll but I find it really find it really confusing to read constant sympathetic posts about overly sexual partners and different sex drives but when I post about it it's basically "me and my husband do it constantly so there must be something wrong with you because no relationship ever survived without the sex we told you 5 minutes ago wasn't a big deal"

Op I’ve not RTFT only your posts, but if he’s pushing you into sex you don’t want, and you feel coerced at any point then you shouldn’t marry him and you shouldn’t be with him. He’s not showing you respect.

the question you originally asked was should I marry this basically lovely man who I just don’t love, and obviously that’s a different question with a different answer
but it doesn’t matter if you love him or don’t love him, if he’s pushing you into sex, you should leave

I guess it depends what is important to you in life.

I have been a lone parent since I was 18 and I am piss poor, financial security is just not a priority for me as I've never had it, so I know I can cope without it. Therefore I just could not imagine marrying someone for a lifestyle and not love.

It's not rocket science, you're hearing responses from different people with very different life experiences, and obviously they're going to differ. Many couples that after a certain age they stop having sex because their libido decreases, others continue having it till their 80's, there's no "wrong" or "right" here, sex is very important for some people but not for others. As long as two people are on the same boat that's all that matters.

yes, I would definitely speak to a therapist or counsellor before embarking into this adventure.

People tend to be sympathetic about things that have gone wrong, not things that are wrong from the outset.

You're doing the equivalent of complaining that people don't support you to light a bonfire in the living room, but are kind when someone's house has burned down!

OP, you’re 37. If you want kids you absolutely NEED to start prioritise having kids. Your choices are limited. This man, or a sperm donor, or you split and hope to meet someone, and hope he’s on the same page - on a good day that could take a few years to meet, fall in love, agree to have kids, and start trying.

I think the most important things in a life partner are mutual respect and common life goals. I definitely don't think sex and lust are the most important. Men become unattractive very quickly if they don't respect you and don't share any of your life goals.

If you are thinking of staying home with "babies", do you even know if you both can have children?

You argued viciously with the love of your life and had a miserable time... Heads-up. That's not the love of your life!!
Why do you think that it was?
Drama is not love. It's a waste of time pining for someone you are not compatable with and a pastime for the young, not a grown adult. New guy makes you happy. Wants the type of life you want. That goes a long way

@Summerfun54321 I think the most important things in a life partner are mutual respect and common life goals. I definitely don't think sex and lust are the most important.

Maybe not important for you, maybe sex is important for him.

Do not do it.

It will be a huge mistake that will end eventually and any children you have will be greatly impacted.

As others have rightly and importantly pointed out, life can throw so much at us. Illness, financial issues, the complexities of parenting, career disparities. So much can test relationships. It's that core love and remembering why you married them in the first place that will get you through times like that and keep a family intact. If that is waning already, it doesn't bode well at all, and those tough times will become unbearable.

Also, our own wants and needs can change vastly over time. You're thinking about what you're okay with needing now. Maybe kids? Maybe being a SAHM? Nice holidays etc, prepared forfeit the lack of lust. But this will change. You will want and crave something else. Whether its love or attraction to another person which can lead to adultery and the destruction of a marriage and a family. Or you may resent having being a SAHM and letting him take care of everything. Who knows? We cannot predict how our wants and needs will change.

Right now you're prepared to settle which doesn't bode well at all and isn't fair to him and any potential future children. Unless this dynamic is mutual and agreed.

I am not sure many posters, if any, told you sex doesn’t matter.

People who have mismatched sex drives with their, post looking for advice because they unhappy. Either not having sex enough and their partner doesn’t want it. Or, more often, their partner is pestering them all the time and they don’t want. And they are unhappy, even if they love their partner.

Very few (probably no one) people are going to advise anyone to carry on seeing and marry a sex pest. Or marry someone who has a miss matched sex drive. Or marry someone they don’t like touching them.

Even if you did love him people would be saying don’t do it. Because it’s not just the pestering for sex. It’s what it means. It means he doesn’t care about your boundaries or feelings.

I don’t think this man is wonderful. I think you are getting involved in another bad relationship. Except this time you hope to put kids in the middle of it.

I don’t think I’ve seen one comment saying sex doesn’t matter at all.

And the problem is neither of you are happy with your sex life now, why do you think that would be better rather than worse in 5/10/15 years time?

@Blabber1
I really don't adults describing someone as the love of their life or their soul mate. Too me it is a description that I would expect a teenager to make.

Having declared the love of your life has come and gone, does it really matter who you marry. Perhaps, you are the love of his life. Neither of you seem to have very high standards when it comes to defining love. The love of your life was a man with whom you could not live happily, and the woman that your new guy loves does not love him. It sounds like a soap opera.

You must have a great or very flexible job if you could take 2_months of to travel. You guy may be a bit dense, but your job could be worth having.

If it's not a big deal to you, then by all means sign up for a life without it.

But I think even with those couples for whom that side of the relationship has gone, it's significant that it was there once, and they have memories and perceptions of each other. If they never fancied each other nor enjoyed sex together at all, that's a very different situation.

@willWillSmithsmith

Honestly, I wasn't being rude. It's just OP had made this ex

OP I'm sorry, but that last post of yours is either deeply failing in comprehension or wilfully insulting to the many Mumsnetters who have taken the time and trouble to reply to your original post. IF,IF. IF you are not a troll, just go back and read what people have said. No-one is saying that sex-all-the-time is essential for a sucessful marriage. Many have said that desire comes and somtimes goes - eg when exhausted by coping with demanding young children etc. Only a very few have said that it disappears with time or does not matter. Quite the reverse - several have said that physical affection lasts life-long. Of course people are all different but the overwhelming message from this thread is that lasting love in marriage or companionship or partnership or regard and respect or whatever you like to call it almost always involves a degree of physical tenderness and mutual care plus a shared willing to please combined with consideration and respect in all other areas of life.

I can't think of anyone in this post- except you - who has characterised their husband or partner as a 'sex pest'. Of course it's not wrong for you not to fancy your partner, but, as others have said, it IS very wrong not to tell him, and/or to enter into marriage with him on terms of deceit. If you want the relationship to progress, for heaven's sake be honest with him about your feelings and see if you can work with him to find a way forward, if that is what you and he want. As another previous poster says, marriage is not all about what he can give you, it's about what you can give him, as well. That might - just for instance - mean allowing him to find physical satisfaction outside marriage.....I'm not advocating this because it's full of pitfalls, but just be honest with your partner and TALK to him.