To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

He sounds alright to me . Depends what you want. How would you imagine your life together in 10 years time? There's a lot to be said for safety and security. It's really up to you to decide.

I have a PhD and broke up with the ex 4 years ago to finish it.

I would have said yes go for it...until the sex pest comment. 95% of us make some sort of compromise whether small or large with the person we marry if we are honest. But I just can't see how sex-pest is a small enough thing to compromise on...its pretty major. I'd rather have a simpler less lavish life without being pestered for sex than a very comfortable life spent with a sex pest.

To be honest I married my husband because he was a 'sure thing' and we had similar life goals etc. I did love him but I never had that soul mate feeling with him. 10 years and two kids in and I can honestly say I love the bones of him like I never would have thought I could. Having someone show up for you in tiny ways every day (and I have always done the same for him) and having the respect and love of someone I think does wonders for making love grow.

We have always had individual friends and we aren't one of those couples who relies on each other for everything and I think that's really worked in our favour.

From your first post I thought ‘yeah, why not?’ But from your subsequent posts, no. The sex pest thing will become a bigger and bigger issue and destroy the relationship. And if he’s on the spectrum, my honest opinion is No. My ex H was ( not diagnosed till well after we had kids) and I just would not recommend this. I absolutely loved my Ex but it all went shit upwards after kids due to his ND and a couple of other friends with H’s on the spectrum said the same happened to them after having kids. It can be very hard and very lonely being married to someone with ND, especially after having kids.

So a No from me, based on my personal experience.

• @Blabber1 sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.

This will only get worse, resentment will grow on both parts and the relationship will deteriorate fast. I'm someone from a Southern European country too (Spain), we expect plenty of physical contact and sex with partners, it's a cultural thing here the reason I see the issue as problematic. Do him a favour and find someone you want to shag senseless AND who's a good person too, they do exist.

@Supersimkin2 It’s ludicrous to think just cos a man is sane, solvent and stable there must be something wrong about marrying him.

No of those are reasons she shouldn’t marry him though and no one has said that. She shouldn’t marry him and it’s much more to do with not loving him, being repulsed when he tries to initiate sex and calling him a sex pest which is usually a euphemism at best.

@Blabber1
what political reasons?

I really don't think it's fair on him . He should be allowed go find someone who truly loves him .Why are you in such a rush to marry ? You say your not even that interested in babies ..Your only 37 . You have lots of time to meet someone you may truly fall in love with .You might be past having babies by the time it happens but it's the chance you got to take . You are settleting for someone because your afraid of being left on your own struggling to pay bills. Marriage is hard enough even when your totally in love so please do not marry this man ..He probably is not a sex pest it's just he is probably crazy for you and mad to rip your clothes off to be honest you should kinda feel like this too ,so what hope is there when you dont even fancy him most of the time . Honestly it's a disaster waiting to happen. Down the line , you might get your head turned and end up having an affair. For me the only reason to marry someone is for LOVE .

spending a lifetime with someone, “in sickness and health” needs love. There’s no other way to make it through together.

This reply from a poster up thread (sorry can’t remember the username!) jumped out at me. That elusive thing called love that sees you somehow through all life’s hardships - together. Side by side. Facing life-changing events & milestones and tough challenges together. It’s so true, without that crucial ingredient you don’t get through - together!!!

Maybe you confuse the drama and extreme emotions of a dysfunctional relationship with love?

If you feel like you could happily have this man’s babies, then that is actual love in my opinion.

OK so questions from the comments:,

1. Do you all actually shag your husbands every minute of every day or is it just us that should feel like utter shit for not being into it?
2. The sex goes. We All know that. So why Are you telling me it's important when in the end we know practically none of your are actually having sex with your husbands.

@Blabber1

why did you bother asking then?
why don’t you just crack on with someone whose behaviour at times you can’t stand and just get married and live happily ever after??

Actually the sex doesn’t go in a loving marriage. It just doesn’t

Share with me? 😂

All jokes aside I think marrying someone doesn’t have to always mean wild, mad, all consuming love. Sometimes it’s calmness, respect, kindness.

I would happily marry this man, sounds like he makes you very happy also?

I disagree with a lot of the replies. If I'm reading your opening post correctly, you do say you have a lot of love for this man but you're not IN love with him. I can't think of any couples I know where the 'in love' feeling is still there after 20+ years. I'm sure they exist, but I don't know any. I do know people who have happy and secure long term relationships where there's love, affection and friendship after 20+ years, but not that heady, being in love feeling.

I've also known plenty of people, myself included, where being 'in love' probably masked the fact that there wasn't enough genuine compatibility, so when the passion was gone there wasn't enough left to sustain the marriage.

If you were saying you don't love him at all and were just making a practical choice that would be different, and I'd agree it's wrong to marry someone you have no love for. But if you love him, but aren't in love, I think I'd choose compatibility and shared goals for the future over that short term passion.

or is it just us that should feel like utter shit for not being into it?

You’re not into it because you don’t love the guy. It’s as simple and straightforward as that 🤷‍♀️

Would you want to be married to him if he lost all his money?

would you want to stay married if it turned out he couldn’t father children?

Would you want to be married to him if he acquired an illness which limited his ability to care for himself?

DH and I have been through a lot - infertility, serious money issues and now we don’t have sex because menopause has messed up my vag even with all the stuff I take

but you know what? We love each other and so even when it’s crap we’d both rather go through crapness together than be apart. My world is better just because he’s in it and vice versa

i don’t know if you love this guy or not but he’s not a life raft, he’s a human being

(sex pest behaviour would be a hell no from me)

I find it odd that you have posted a comment like this more than once. Has anyone suggested that couples shag each others brains out every second of the day?
Sex ebbs and flows over the years, it doesn’t just hit X year and die off though.
If you can’t have mutual respect for each other and balance different sex drives in the dating stage then it’s simply not going to go well for you when you add in pregnancy, post partum, breastfeeding, being touched out by kids or just utter resentment which has grown under the surface for years.

I don’t know if you are just trying to be hyperbolic for effect (what effect you want is anyone’s guess) or maybe it’s just to make yourself feel better but the reality is most wives are actually having sex with their husbands. Shocking.

Ok so I read a bit more and it seems you and your boyfriend have different libidos. Neither is right or wrong what is right or wrong is how to deal with it.

If you're both expecting the other to magically change their physiology.... It's not going to end well. Maybe couples counseling too could be a good idea.

I think that you should marry him. I'm not sure that you really understand what love is. Perhaps the warm feeling that you have for this man, the security you experience with him and the desire to have children with him IS love. The crazy fights you had with the "love of your life" might not really be love at all. Who knows? That's for you to define. I know that we are fed a lot of bullshit about love.

I am single but I admire couples who navigate the minutiae of the every day and raise kids together with all the ups and downs that entails. I feel that is true love.

Go for it, OP. Good luck.

Ah right I see OP that you just want us to tell you to crack on

You go for it then because you clearly don’t want to even consider not marrying him

Ah, OK.

Tbh, OP, if you and your partner are happy with a sexless marriage then it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. But he clearly isn't, and why should he be?

If you are sexual yourself but can't bear the thought of sex with him, it looks like a powder keg ready to blow. No way you won't ever find anyone else who tempts you if your antennae are waving.

Ah, I obviously haven't RTFT. If she doesn't want to have sex with him, that's really bad. You can't marry someone you don't want to have sex with. I better RTFT before I comment again.

OP Just reflect, if you will, on this very moving and telling post from @AcrossthePond55

"You have to think of the long, long term. It's all well and good to plan to raise a family with this man and all the busy-ness that entails, but what happens after the DC are grown and gone and it's just you and him? Are you going to be content to spend your declining years with him? Care for him tenderly if he becomes ill or suffers dementia? I watched my mother care for my father when he became ill. It was hard and it was heartbreaking, but she did it with all the love, strength and tenderness that 50+ years worth of a loving marriage had given her. I believe that I will show the same to DH if I am put in that situation because of the love and life we've shared. But in a MoC? I'd think it would be so hard to honour that 'in sickness and in health' vow if I was faced with it as an 'obligation' rather than a gift of love."

'Gift of love' is a fantastic phrase, and echoes what several other posters have said. Your boyfriend might offer you certain things, but please think, what are you offering him? Marriage is a contract, but it works best if it's a willing one, freely and with dignity and compassion entered into by both parties, Are you happy to sign up for that?