To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

Perhaps you didn't read my earlier post.

1.Not every minute of every day but enough that we are BOTH happy.

2Just when do you think it 'goes'? Menopause? Nope, DH and I are in our 60s and still sexually active so it hasn't 'gone' anywhere yet. And I don't expect it to any time soon.

And if you think that 'practically none' of the married/partnered women on MN are not having sex with their men, you are sadly mistaken. Not every woman posts the status of her sexual relationship. Just like with Yelp or TripAdvisor, you only hear the 'bad stories'. No one posts a thread titled; "Hey MN, DH and I have a great sex life!!!".

Don't use MN as justification for not having a MUTUALLY satisfactory sex life if you marry this man. Read my earlier post and then decide if you want an MoC.

Odd take, you don’t know posters that well

If you are thinking you can marry if it’s only a few years of putting up with sex, I wouldn’t bank on him feeling the same

Ohhhhhhh so we were all here helping you and actually you’re just a sad little troll.

Dammit I can usually spot these!

Go one then luv, off ya fook! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

How about they just communicate amongst themselves without the need for a middle man? They can just sit down and be honest to each other, the conversation would be something along the lines of :" Babe I love you because you're a good man, a meal ticket that will let me become a SAHM and those long holidays in the sun look really appealing, I just don't fancy your bones, how can we make this work?"

This said let him decide.

That's so lovely! Hope you have many more happy years together.

Getting into a permanent relationship where you’ll be financially vulnerable due to being a SAHM, where income is variable, where you regard your ex as a “sex pest”, where you have unresolved childhood trauma and a poor relationship role model, where you have a history of volatile “love”, and where you have a struggling career path in which you feel thwarted by others sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster to me, no matter how nice the man is.

Find a good therapist and be brutally honest with them about all of the above before you commit to a marriage and children with this man.

Yeah, I'm calling it now. You'll be divorced with a DC or 2 within five years, broke, scrabbling to get back into work, at this guy's throat over everything and desperate for him to step up and do the parenting, which he won't.

DH and I have been together 20 years and have two DC. We have a happy, satisfying, mutually enjoyable sex life. Sex is a glue that has helped us love, communicate, and connect over the years, smoothed small frustrations and irritations, reminded us of how we feel about each other.

You're in no headspace to get married. You'd be a lot better to get yourself some therapy.

Yeah, ideally.
But there's nothing wrong with getting help with their communication from a professional if their attempt fails. Which I understand it has from OP's comments.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Ok, I'm not menopausal yet so maybe I'm not the one to ask... but I've had two kids, a miscarriage and several bereavements so I know about sex drive ebbing and flowing. Yes, there have been dry periods when life gets in the way, but when it's on it's on, and I've always loved his touch even when I'm too tired, hormonal or sad for actual sex. Sometimes we've ended up having sex at times when I thought I wasn't in the headspace. I suppose it helps that we're not vanilla in the bedroom but I guess you don't want to hear about that.

But so what? If you're already resigned to a sexless marriage yourself, what does it matter to you if others aren't?

Your irritation and disbelief at the idea that some couples really might have enjoyable sex pretty much all their lives does suggest to me that this relationship might not be right. If you truly believed everyone is doomed to married celibacy, or you were OK with it yourself, you wouldn't get so fraught about it.

I don't think it's a matter of "failed communication", I believe it's a matter of her having a hidden agenda and not being fully honest...

Find a good therapist and be brutally honest with them about all of the above before you commit to a marriage and children with this man.

This.

Blabber1 · Today 20:19
OK so questions from the comments:,
**

1. Do you all actually shag your husbands every minute of every day or is it just us that should feel like utter shit for not being into it?

** 2. The sex goes. We All know that. So why Are you telling me it's important when in the end we know practically none of your are actually having sex with your husbands.

It doesn’t matter what other people do, OP, they are warning you about what the future might be like for you. If you’re OK with his sexual expectations, that’s fine. But don’t assume he will be less interested over time just because you are. He might not. That’s all people are saying.

I haven't read all the comments but expect I'm probably not in a similar position to most. I met my DH whilst we were both at university. I really liked him but we were very different people. I often wondered if we were the right pairing as we bickered over most things. We got married and had our DC. We still bicker constantly, it's almost a running joke to people that know us now, we just have completely different views on everything. I look at other peoples marriages sometimes and they look like all they do is laugh and joke together and I wonder sometimes if I'm missing out, if we aren't suited etc.

But... I honestly can't imagine my life without him. We love each other in our own way and we love our family unit. I could never imagine being with anyone else and want to be with him for the rest of our lives. Yes I know others may think our relationship is disfunctional but it's just the way we are and we love each other.

So my point is your relationship doesn't have to be a fairytale or what other people make you believe it should be. If you think you two have the same values and fit together then go for it!

He's already a sex pest... that's a no from me. You're incompatible.

I think he's love bombing you and you should be very careful. I don't think he's the man you think he is.

@DrSbaitso

I've always loved his touch even when I'm too tired, hormonal or sad

This is lovely & how you should feel. Simple truth here

There’s a huge difference between shagging your husband every minute of every and having a husband who is a sex pest that you hate touching you.

are you saying you think the only options for a relationship are ‘shag constantly’ or ‘sex pest who you hate touching you.

Someone who doesn’t respect you boundaries is not someone who respects you. He knows you don’t want it but has decided he is going to keep trying to get sex because his ‘want’ to have sex, is more important than your feelings.

I am actually starting to hope this isn’t real. Because I actually think he is love bombing you. I think you will find yourself extremely miserable in 5 years. Disaster waiting to happen.

The sex drive issue does seem to be a matter of failed communication. That was what that particular comment of mine was all about.

About the rest, I think she's a person with unhealed trauma that I have addressed in my first comment on this thread.

Then I read some more and added another comment.

Should I have mentioned the whole thing all over again so there weren't misunderstandings? I'm new to MN maybe this is the etiquette and I don't know.

Yes I agree with this. The previous relationship doesn't sound like love to me. How do you know what love feels like?

“I love you so much”

”… and I love what you can do for me”

The recipe for a lifetime of happiness surely? 😂

I'm pretty sure my first husband settled for me and never truly loved me. It's utterly shit, don't do that to someone.

My question too

@ProfessorXtra fomeone who doesn’t respect you boundaries is not someone who respects you. He knows you don’t want it but has decided he is going to keep trying to get sex because his ‘want’ to have sex, is more important than your feelings.

C'mon, this is a Southern European man with very possibly a high libido who just started dating a woman he's head over heels with so of course he wants to shag her, it's normal, she on the other hand doesn't fancy him. As much as common interests and a shared life project are VERY important for relationship success (those boxes are ticked in OP's case) mismatched libidos that end up eroding relationships is a major cause for failed relationships (and that box is not ticked), that's why I see a problem here.

Dyson spheres thank you so much!

I really hope OP can separate her previous feelings for ex from how she feels about her current man and then decide whether she does genuinely love new man.

I definitely struggled with this years ago but I do feel very strongly that you should enter a marriage planning it to be for life and not, "We can just divorce if it doesn't work out."

@Theeyeballsinthesky is right- if all the things you listed- money to support you, handsome face, nice holidays, having children etc changed or went away (which it well might)- would you still have enough love for him to want to stay?

This a really good post and it’s made me think about the men I’m considering for a serious relationship while I navigate the dating world. I have been disappointed by men in the past so recently have been more looking into assessing what they can offer in terms of financial stability but this has made me think twice.

agree also with the sex pest stuff being a major red flag . That could become a bigger issue while you’re a SAHM and he might even feel more “entitled” if he’s very traditional and ends up as the breadwinner