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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

does this sound like reserve snobbery?

116 replies

wendall456 · 07/07/2023 16:34

Never wanting to eat in a restaurant that is slightly higher end than your bog standard brewers fayre or harvester.

Never going to the theatre.

Camping or holidaying in a 2 star air bnb rather than a 4 star all inclusive in a nice resort.

All of the above are what pretentious stuck up snobs do according to my partner. However I like these things but not all the time. I am turning into a snob because I enjoy these things.

Partner will not do any of the above with me and says I need to get rid of my hoighty toighty ideas if I want to stay with him. I love theatre and often go to the National to see plays with friends. As our children are getting older i am doing more of the above things with friends as he will not do them.

I will still go to the Harvester with him and the kids and also a camping break but I am not ashamed to admit I do like sometimes nice things and I know he doesn't and I am not expecting him to do these things with me but I can't understand why he doesn't like me doing these things with friends. He wouldn't mind at all if it was the cinema or a meal at the local pub.

I went to university so I do have friends from all walks of life not just middle of the road people (his name for "his" type of people).

He has just hit 50 and wants to retire within the next year. This is ok for him as he spends no money ever but he is worried that the older I get the more I seem to enjoy the above things and he doesn't like the pretentious person I am becoming. I am not pretenious but OCCASIONALLY I enjoy something nice!!

OP posts:
Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:36

you two sound utterly and completely incompatible

and to think you have had children together

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:36

Retiring at 50

Presumably he has a very well paid job?

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:37

I am turning into a snob because I enjoy these things.

so in the many years you have been together before now - you haven’t wanted to do these things and only recently?

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:37

All very odd!

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 16:38

How old are you and how long have you been together?

He doesn't have to like any of the things you've listed but he shouldn't be judging you or preventing you from enjoying them.

You sound incompatible.

ChineseFakeaway · 07/07/2023 16:38

It’s not “reverse snobbery”, it’s just snobbery. Looking down on people who do certain things and thinking he’s better than them.

He sounds controlling. After all, whichever way you slice it he’s trying to tell you what you’re allowed to do and not allowed to do.

Eveninginparis · 07/07/2023 16:39

Partner will not do any of the above with me and says I need to get rid of my hoighty toighty ideas if I want to stay with him

He's verbally abusive OP.

Please leave this nasty man.

Ontobetterthings · 07/07/2023 16:39

He sounds insecure

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 07/07/2023 16:41

ChineseFakeaway · 07/07/2023 16:38

It’s not “reverse snobbery”, it’s just snobbery. Looking down on people who do certain things and thinking he’s better than them.

He sounds controlling. After all, whichever way you slice it he’s trying to tell you what you’re allowed to do and not allowed to do.

It is reverse snobbery. It's the definition of reverse snobbery, because regular snobbery is bout high social status and expensive tastes.

Comedycook · 07/07/2023 16:41

I'm not sure about reverse snobbery but it does sound joyless and stifling

Fandabedodgy · 07/07/2023 16:42

Your partner is an idiot

DutchCowgirl · 07/07/2023 16:44

Does he hate his job that much? That he wants to retire at 50 and to achieve this he wants his family to stop having any luxuries?

It seems awful if my dh would retire at 50, what would he be doing all day when i am at work?

WhimHoff · 07/07/2023 16:45

Surely these are the basic fundamentals of a relationship? I married DH as we had shared goals and aspirations.

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 16:47

WhimHoff · 07/07/2023 16:45

Surely these are the basic fundamentals of a relationship? I married DH as we had shared goals and aspirations.

This is what I don’t understand.

Given age - let’s take a punt that married for 15 years, and yet all this seems quite surprising to the op and her dh?

bananaboats · 07/07/2023 16:47

YANBU, he sounds miserable

tt9 · 07/07/2023 16:52

ofc none of these things have anything to do with being snobbish. it's possible to book in advance and get good value theatre tickets, get great hotel/restaurant deals and save up to go for occasional treats. maybe he is just worried about money and being able to retire early? perhaps time for a heart to heart where you agree a budget for little luxuries? I mean life is for living... nothing wrong with enjoying little nice things

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/07/2023 16:52

He sounds like a joyless twat.

What an arsehole, tell him yep, he's right, your ideas and pleasures are far too hoighty toighty for him so he'd best fuck off out of it and go enjoy his misery and cheap dinners by himself.

Watch the door doesn't hit his arse.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/07/2023 16:53

He sounds utterly miserable - I'd leave him based on that alone, tbh.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/07/2023 16:55

Sounds like he has low self esteem and thinks those things are above his level or comfort zone and will feel inferior. He doesn’t sound very nice whatever his motives for dissing those things are.

ManateeFair · 07/07/2023 17:01

You're not being remotely pretentious and your partner is a dickhead.

I'm from a working class background - I was the first person in the family to go to university. Both my parents grew up working class in London. All four of my grandparents literally came from East End slums. My whole family, including my grandparents when they were still alive, enjoy things like going to the theatre, art galleries, museums, eating in a nice restaurant or going on as decent a holiday as we can afford. My grandparents brought my parents up to know that they had as much right to be at the theatre or an art gallery or in a nice hotel as anyone else who has paid to be there, and that we should never be intimidated by our surroundings.

Assuming you can afford to do the things you like, it sounds to me like your partner is either stingy with money or has a massive inferiority complex and is trying to drag you down by sneering that things you enjoy because he's insecure. Either way - like I said, he's dickhead.

Yellowdaysaregood · 07/07/2023 17:04

If you mean reverse snobbery then yeah

Hbh17 · 07/07/2023 17:07

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant and ignorant man, I'm sorry to say.
And tight, too.

Panteranoir · 07/07/2023 17:09

Sounds like he's got a massive chip on his shoulder.

People from all walks of life enjoy the same things you do OP.

Calling you hoighty toighty is really mean.

It's also really controlling to say either like the things I do or ship out.

Honestly I hope you ship out and find someone supportive and lovely.

LadyJ2023 · 07/07/2023 17:11

It's weird...hubby and myself like both so we do both with the kids or on the rare occasion by ourselves it will just depend what we have left from wages once bills are paid as to what we decide to do. For example in September we are going to a travellodge for 4 nights for our anniversary, last year we went to a 5 star hotel and we enjoy one as much as the other. I love theatre hubby loves cinema we go to both together still enjoy both

AgnesX · 07/07/2023 17:12

Good god, so you like some of the nicer, more interesting things in life and his problem is what apart from having some kind of inferiority complex? Do you really want to stay with someone like that.

It's easier to improve your standards than drop them btw. Keep improving yours!

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