does this sound like reserve snobbery?

[wendall456]

Never wanting to eat in a restaurant that is slightly higher end than your bog standard brewers fayre or harvester.

Never going to the theatre.

Camping or holidaying in a 2 star air bnb rather than a 4 star all inclusive in a nice resort.

All of the above are what pretentious stuck up snobs do according to my partner. However I like these things but not all the time. I am turning into a snob because I enjoy these things.

Partner will not do any of the above with me and says I need to get rid of my hoighty toighty ideas if I want to stay with him. I love theatre and often go to the National to see plays with friends. As our children are getting older i am doing more of the above things with friends as he will not do them.

I will still go to the Harvester with him and the kids and also a camping break but I am not ashamed to admit I do like sometimes nice things and I know he doesn't and I am not expecting him to do these things with me but I can't understand why he doesn't like me doing these things with friends. He wouldn't mind at all if it was the cinema or a meal at the local pub.

I went to university so I do have friends from all walks of life not just middle of the road people (his name for "his" type of people).

He has just hit 50 and wants to retire within the next year. This is ok for him as he spends no money ever but he is worried that the older I get the more I seem to enjoy the above things and he doesn't like the pretentious person I am becoming. I am not pretenious but OCCASIONALLY I enjoy something nice!!

It’s fine if he doesn’t want to go to the theatre or restaurants etc. But why would he care if you want to go either alone or with friends?

what does he mean if you want to stay with him you need to stop? What gives him the right to tell you what to do?

Maybe tell him you’ll be going full stop. Not up for discussion. And if he tries to control your hobbies and life you’ll leave him and spend the 50% you get in divorce on whatever the fuck you want.

Maybe that will make him think that £40 spent on theatre ticket for a Christmas treat actually isn’t that expensive when he is risking half of everything that you as a couple have accumulated.

in other words hes tight

has he just decided that he wants to retire early or was this planned

Yes this meets the definition of reverse snobbery, he even used the term 'hoity toity'.

He is presumably insecure if you've changed over time?

If he is seriously saying you have to give up your preferred activities to stay with him you need a serious think.

We have been together 16 years and when I met him he seemed so genuine. I liked how down to earth he was and unmaterialistic - my exH was so materialistic that he was a breath of fresh air when I met him. He is such a kind person and a joy to be with and until the last few years as our kids are getting older everything we have done has been normal middle of the road. He does so much for us all but only if costs nothing or is very cheap or is what he calls "normal". So a day at a theme park even though it is expensive is ok but a trip to the theatre in London is not acceptable because you are mixing with stuck up snobs. A few things over the years - we went to my cousins wedding in a marquee with a hog roast and champagne and he hated every minute of it - said it was full of snobs, my cousin and her DH saved for years to have a big full on wedding as that is what she wanted. He was in complete shock when friends of his took their daughter (his goddaughter) to the Ritz for afternoon tea for her 16th birthday and was worried that his down to earth friend was being corrupted by his wife. They aren't as close as they used to be because he says his friend has become snobby now.

His dad died a year after retiring so he wants to enjoy retirement and is he is happy in the garden or out walking or on his bike. He wants the time to enjoy his freedom and freedom doesn't cost a penny in his eyes.

What an absolute tool. Dh has relatives like that who think European cheese and garlic are posh and not for the likes of them.

16 years OP?!

and this has only really arisen now? Is that because you’ve spent last 16 years not going to theatre / decent restaurants etc?

and what was it like in the dating days? Surely you each would have got a sense of how utterly incompatible you are

so 50 and he’s going to retire. Did he have a professional role?

God that sounds like a sad existence with a dull man. I could not live like that.

What’s driving his attitude?

Is he worried spending money unnecessarily will interfere with his plans for early retirement?

Are you able to fund these things yourself?

Is he worried that you’re growing away from him?

Has he got some fixed thinking that he needs to stay true to his working class roots that doesn’t involve these things??

He’s definitely being a dick, but I’d try and find out what’s behind it and address that if he’s otherwise a generally decent person!

I had a partner once who would sneer at me for being “pretentious”.
Pretentious to him meant the theatre, liking some films that weren’t big cinema blockbusters, and wanting something other than pub grub for a dinner out occasionally.
I ditched him and kept the pretentious things, it’s been great!
In all seriousness, in retrospect the problem was him being intimidated by me liking things he wasn’t interested in understanding, and trying to shame me for it. Just carry on as you are OP, his version of enjoyment isn’t innately superior to yours.

Not sure if its reverse snobbery or just stupidity but he sounds like a controlling dick.

What on earth is the point of being with him?

Yes its reverse snobbery. You see this sometimes in working class people. They don't like anyone getting "above their station". I expect its some deep rooted insecurity. Did someone in his past do well for themselves and leave him behind?

As for what to do, well its massively unreasonable for him to expect you to have no interest in the arts or never want to enjoy a fancy meal out for a special occasion. You either just love with him blustering about it til the end of your days or decide that it's time for you both to move onto the next chapter of your lives apart.

He is being unreasonable. Just do them anyway.
Camping..2 star hotels ?bloody hell op... you're not asking much just the average.
By the camping is great if someone else does the hard work...

He has just hit 50 and wants to retire within the next year. This is ok for him as he spends no money ever

that's not the life I would chose, but why not, retiring at 50 or earlier has always been a goal for many people, and they make it work.

Not spending money is one thing, but being bitter and insulting others is another. I wouldn't stop living my life and be miserable because of him, I am not sure I could even stay with him, it sounds miserable.

It sounds like he is scared to do anything outside his comfort zone. Or else he wants you to give up the things you enjoy in order to subsidise his extremely early retirement.

Op, you aren’t alone. I am in the middle of separating with my dp of 6 years.

when we first got together we were quite skint. He doesn’t have a well paid job, mine was better paid but I was a single parent to a teen and young child.

As the years have gone on, my earnings have gone up. But dp doesn’t want to go anywhere. He wants to spend weekends fishing. He doesn’t want to go to Greece/Spain/Italy because they have ‘all that fancy food’. I have to cook food that I grew up with, when he is out. He would rather have turkey drummers. He has slowly started to objecting to me going away with my (now adult) child and teenager.

He won’t go to anything above a chain pub, then moans about how crap they are.

I cooked with Rosemary last week and he said he it smelled awful and who was I trying to impress with posh food. It was a roast chicken. He has started delighting in the ‘I am just a simple yorkshire man. Don’t need any of that fancy stuff’. It like, liking the most basic version of everything has become his whole personality. The better my career goes, the worse it’s got. Even though I live the same lifestyle. Still in the same house I had when I was skint want to do the same holidays and so on.

Its got massively worse since he hit 40.

Your life partner should make your life bigger, not smaller.

😞

It’s not reverse snobbery, but killer of joy. He’s not on the same hymn sheet as you. He doesn’t want to spend money, and you enjoy going out.

Either he accepts that have very different views, or life will be miserable. You may find you will attending these events by yourself. Don’t get trapped into not going, because he resents you spending money. Ie. Not let him curtail your life.

How is he going to support himself from the age of 51 until when his state pension kicks in? Does he have a private pension he can start to draw down?

It just sounds like you're really incompatible. He sounds quite boring and stuck in his ways.

This just smacks of him being deeply insecure. It's ok for him not to like doing certain things, but the minute he tries to belittle anyone else for what they like or enjoy he moves over into boring dickhead territory.

There's no such thing as reverse snobbery.

However the bigger issue is that you and your partner have different interests and values. Have you only recently just met?

He’s an absolute tool!

He called OP hoighty-toighty, and described perfectly inoffensive activites as fir 'pretentious stuck up snobs': of course it's not just about money.

OP, I couldn't be bothered with someone who regarded me with such contempt and tried to shame me out of doing inoffensive things I enjoyed because he had a hang-up. I also wouldn't want my children to form the impression that they should make themselves smaller to pander to their father's shoulder chip.

Why are so many posters trying to deny reverse snobbery?

Oh yes there is.

It’s usually due to chips on shoulders or low self esteem