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AIBU?

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Original poster

does this sound like reserve snobbery?

116 replies

wendall456 · 07/07/2023 16:34

Never wanting to eat in a restaurant that is slightly higher end than your bog standard brewers fayre or harvester.

Never going to the theatre.

Camping or holidaying in a 2 star air bnb rather than a 4 star all inclusive in a nice resort.

All of the above are what pretentious stuck up snobs do according to my partner. However I like these things but not all the time. I am turning into a snob because I enjoy these things.

Partner will not do any of the above with me and says I need to get rid of my hoighty toighty ideas if I want to stay with him. I love theatre and often go to the National to see plays with friends. As our children are getting older i am doing more of the above things with friends as he will not do them.

I will still go to the Harvester with him and the kids and also a camping break but I am not ashamed to admit I do like sometimes nice things and I know he doesn't and I am not expecting him to do these things with me but I can't understand why he doesn't like me doing these things with friends. He wouldn't mind at all if it was the cinema or a meal at the local pub.

I went to university so I do have friends from all walks of life not just middle of the road people (his name for "his" type of people).

He has just hit 50 and wants to retire within the next year. This is ok for him as he spends no money ever but he is worried that the older I get the more I seem to enjoy the above things and he doesn't like the pretentious person I am becoming. I am not pretenious but OCCASIONALLY I enjoy something nice!!

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/07/2023 17:57

If it were just the theatre and restaurant issues Id say it sounds like he feels insecure about things he feels aren't 'for the likes of us'. Often people feel this way when they've been the victim of snobbery (the non inverted type) and felt uncomfortable, so they put on a front of rejection of those things.
However when I got to the holiday example I changed it to tight fisted, as there are far more of the type of people he considers snobs to be found on camping trips than on AI holidays.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2023 18:02

Eveninginparis · 07/07/2023 16:39

Partner will not do any of the above with me and says I need to get rid of my hoighty toighty ideas if I want to stay with him

He's verbally abusive OP.

Please leave this nasty man.

Yup this is the bit that got me too, so controlling and rude and abusive.

It's fine if he doesn't enjoy those things and perhaps his social class means he feels out of place there. But to try and stop you going and threatening to end the relationship unless you change your tastes and preferences is a huge red flag and I'm guessing there are lots more issues similar to this of him putting his own needs above yours and you shrinking or minimizing yourself and your needs and your sparkle for him?

SauronsArsehole · 07/07/2023 18:02

Cherryblossomed · 07/07/2023 17:40

Op, you aren’t alone. I am in the middle of separating with my dp of 6 years.

when we first got together we were quite skint. He doesn’t have a well paid job, mine was better paid but I was a single parent to a teen and young child.

As the years have gone on, my earnings have gone up. But dp doesn’t want to go anywhere. He wants to spend weekends fishing. He doesn’t want to go to Greece/Spain/Italy because they have ‘all that fancy food’. I have to cook food that I grew up with, when he is out. He would rather have turkey drummers. He has slowly started to objecting to me going away with my (now adult) child and teenager.

He won’t go to anything above a chain pub, then moans about how crap they are.

I cooked with Rosemary last week and he said he it smelled awful and who was I trying to impress with posh food. It was a roast chicken. He has started delighting in the ‘I am just a simple yorkshire man. Don’t need any of that fancy stuff’. It like, liking the most basic version of everything has become his whole personality. The better my career goes, the worse it’s got. Even though I live the same lifestyle. Still in the same house I had when I was skint want to do the same holidays and so on.

Its got massively worse since he hit 40.

I suspect this is his attempt at clipping your wings as you’re doing better than him and he’s trying to convince himself he’s just fine.

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 18:03

There's no such thing as reverse snobbery.

of course there is. You see examples on here every single day.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2023 18:11

Don't stay with the man just because he was impressive and worked for you 16 years ago.

Or, if you're not ready to leave him, flourish make new friends and go and do all the things you dream of without him there- if he declines the invite and starts name calling set a boundary that you won't remain in a marriage where things that bring you joy and interest you are belittled and he needs to respect your choices and tastes and free will to spend your time and money as you pleas

willWillSmithsmith · 07/07/2023 18:11

wendall456 · 07/07/2023 17:18

We have been together 16 years and when I met him he seemed so genuine. I liked how down to earth he was and unmaterialistic - my exH was so materialistic that he was a breath of fresh air when I met him. He is such a kind person and a joy to be with and until the last few years as our kids are getting older everything we have done has been normal middle of the road. He does so much for us all but only if costs nothing or is very cheap or is what he calls "normal". So a day at a theme park even though it is expensive is ok but a trip to the theatre in London is not acceptable because you are mixing with stuck up snobs. A few things over the years - we went to my cousins wedding in a marquee with a hog roast and champagne and he hated every minute of it - said it was full of snobs, my cousin and her DH saved for years to have a big full on wedding as that is what she wanted. He was in complete shock when friends of his took their daughter (his goddaughter) to the Ritz for afternoon tea for her 16th birthday and was worried that his down to earth friend was being corrupted by his wife. They aren't as close as they used to be because he says his friend has become snobby now.

His dad died a year after retiring so he wants to enjoy retirement and is he is happy in the garden or out walking or on his bike. He wants the time to enjoy his freedom and freedom doesn't cost a penny in his eyes.

Well if I were you I’d give him his freedom, all of it. I could not be with a man with that attitude, so narrow minded and bigoted.

Jongleterre · 07/07/2023 18:47

Imagine only having one life and the means to live it well but instead you turn your nose up and sneer at things you have never done but have formed the stupid opinion that they are in your sad little mind, 'pretentious'.

How can you stand to be someone who has such a closed mind and wants to out a dampener on you enjoying life?

He's dragging you down and you could do so much better than being with a miserable old git.

getafringenotbotox · 07/07/2023 19:09

Everyone has different interests and things they like to spend what they can afford on.

He sounds like he sucks the joy out of anything you like.

I'd leave him to be honest.

getafringenotbotox · 07/07/2023 19:12

By the time you retire you have usually worked hard all your life and if you can have what you see as nice things and you can afford it then good for you.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/07/2023 19:18

He sounds very judgemental. How sad.

JanesBlond · 07/07/2023 19:19

What a sad little man he is. Tell him you agree he is beneath you and LTB! Life’s too short to live with a miseryguts like that.

PuttingDownRoots · 07/07/2023 19:22

Camping is a very middle class past time these days.

He's being a miser and a twat.

GoodChat · 07/07/2023 19:24

Can he afford to retire at 50 because he's spent his life being frugal?

Has it always been that everything has to be on his terms?

StellaJohanna · 07/07/2023 19:47

You are not at all compatible. There is nothing wrong with what either of you want to do, but none of it meets in the middle. What on earth brought you together? It must have been sex and "romance" because there is nothing else there, is there? You speak of him with contempt - this means your relationship won't go the distance.

Original poster
wendall456 · 07/07/2023 19:49

Yes he has been frugal so he can retire early. I think loosing his dad so soon after his retirement made him realise how important time is. He works full time (like most people!!) and weekends are full on with chores and getting kids here there and everywhere (again like most people) he wants 10 years at least to enjoy before old age creeps up on him.

He was very different when I met him but sensible and down to earth and because I'd previously been married to someone so materialistic it was lovely- it was when his dad died he changed and then he hit 50 and he became even more insistent on an early retirement.

Because I sometimes enjoy these nice things - he is worried as I get older that I am going to want to do these things more and more and isn't willing to keep working to fund my lifestyle. I have a full time job and will be quite able to buy a theatre ticket or a nice meal if I so want to but as I do now it is not and never will be a weekly occurence just an occasional treat but because I enjoy it -not to be pretentious!!

He is also very worried about how our children are learning its ok to pretend you are something you are not. Our DD likes the theatre and a nice meal too.

OP posts:
TheGuv1982 · 07/07/2023 19:54

Weird behaviour imo. Can’t imagine why someone would just accept mediocrity and turn their nose up at something nicer, even if just on occasion.

Gateappreciation · 07/07/2023 19:55

The resentment is already building.

Has he got lots of savings if he’s retiring at 50. He says he wants to enjoy his days - what is he planning to do? Sit and watch tv all day if he’s not planning to spend any money? Will he get tighter as the months roll on ?

StellaJohanna · 07/07/2023 19:55

His use of the word "snob" is odd, because that isn't what it means. From what you say, he doesn't like what he perceives as extravagance, waste, pretension or show-offy people. You think you're intellectually superior to him and more cosmopolitan and he knows it. Just let him go so he can meet someone new while he's only 50, and you can do your own thing and be happy. You need an absolutely rock-solid marriage to go through old age together, and it's just not there.

Lampan · 07/07/2023 19:58

Urgh. There are few things more unattractive than a massive chip on the shoulder. How insecure he is.

Agree with pp who says he is trying to clip your wings by being negative about the things you want to do. I couldn’t live like that.

Kiitos · 07/07/2023 19:59

‘Snobbery’ is seen as an unattractive trait as it involves looking down on other people. Which is exactly what he is doing with his own batshit views

SageHearts · 07/07/2023 20:00

I need to get rid of my hoighty toighty ideas if I want to stay with him

I’d be leaving OP, it’ll only get worse living with the miserable git once he retires sitting counting his pennies.

vipersnest1 · 07/07/2023 20:01

He's a cheapskate. I'd lay money that if he suddenly decided to take up a hobby (especially now retirement is beckoning - in his mind at least) that money would be no object.
Ultimately, it all boils down to whether or not you want to live as frugal a life as his, especially when you're retired.

TheLifeofMe · 07/07/2023 20:04

I am not a snob and if you met me you would think I was so down to earth but....I would no go to a caravan park, if I go away I want 5 star quality as otherwise why go away. I don't eat out in big chain eateries like Brewsters as I can make better food myself. If I am going to spend money on holidays and eating out, I want them to be much better than what I get at home. I don't think that's being a snob just knowing what you want!

LadyTemperance · 07/07/2023 20:11

I actually think it is fine to prioritise retirement and simple living is that is what he wants. What isn’t ok is judging others who choose differently.
Sit him down and explain this from your point of view, you are spending your own money on these activities etc. See if he can live with you under these conditions but make it clear that if he can’t, without commenting, that you will leave.

Yuasa · 07/07/2023 20:27

The use of the words pretentious and snobby in this context is a real bugbear of mine. I can’t work out if people like this don’t understand what those terms really mean (presumably because knowing things about words is ‘pretentious’) or they are so narrow-minded that they don’t believe anyone can actually enjoy the theatre or eating at a good restaurant.

You could spend your evenings translating obscure nineteenth century poetry into ancient Hittite and it wouldn’t be pretentious if you were doing it for pleasure rather than impressing others.

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