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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

does this sound like reserve snobbery?

116 replies

wendall456 · 07/07/2023 16:34

Never wanting to eat in a restaurant that is slightly higher end than your bog standard brewers fayre or harvester.

Never going to the theatre.

Camping or holidaying in a 2 star air bnb rather than a 4 star all inclusive in a nice resort.

All of the above are what pretentious stuck up snobs do according to my partner. However I like these things but not all the time. I am turning into a snob because I enjoy these things.

Partner will not do any of the above with me and says I need to get rid of my hoighty toighty ideas if I want to stay with him. I love theatre and often go to the National to see plays with friends. As our children are getting older i am doing more of the above things with friends as he will not do them.

I will still go to the Harvester with him and the kids and also a camping break but I am not ashamed to admit I do like sometimes nice things and I know he doesn't and I am not expecting him to do these things with me but I can't understand why he doesn't like me doing these things with friends. He wouldn't mind at all if it was the cinema or a meal at the local pub.

I went to university so I do have friends from all walks of life not just middle of the road people (his name for "his" type of people).

He has just hit 50 and wants to retire within the next year. This is ok for him as he spends no money ever but he is worried that the older I get the more I seem to enjoy the above things and he doesn't like the pretentious person I am becoming. I am not pretenious but OCCASIONALLY I enjoy something nice!!

OP posts:
AuntiesWoodenLeg · 07/07/2023 20:32

@Cherryblossomed @wendall456

There is little as unattractive as a man with the palate of a 7-year-old! Harvester restaurants? No "foreign" food? No rosemary? I'm always taken aback to find these attitudes to food from adults in the 21st century, but it seems many people, usually men, haven't developed beyond kindergarten food.

As for labelling anyone you don't know as "snobby", that's an inferiority complex right there...

You only have one life, OP. Live it in happiness in the manner you chose.

MissDemelzaCarne · 07/07/2023 20:44

It’s ok to be different as long as are both prepared to compromise.
DH and I are from very different backgrounds but I know what sort of restaurants he will be comfortable in.

Having no shared cultural interests would be very difficult, I can’t imagine that.

I’d rather die than go camping but thankfully neither of us would contemplate something like a AI holiday resort so we do find compromises to suit us both.

It all sounds a bit one sided for you OP.

LolaSmiles · 07/07/2023 20:49

I'm not sure it's reverse snobbery so much as you've got different interests and grown apart on some things.

Merryoldgoat · 07/07/2023 21:01

He sounds like a joyless miser.

Beezknees · 07/07/2023 21:04

Sounds like he's got a chip on his shoulder. I'm a working class single mum living in a council flat and I think camping is horrific, give me a 4 star resort any day.

JazbayGrapes · 07/07/2023 21:20

It is very likely that he feels uncomfortable in higher-end places or among more educated people.

Augend23 · 07/07/2023 22:14

I don't think there's a problem with having a simple taste in hobbies, or in being frugal. But there is a problem with disparaging others because your tastes differ from theirs, and that's what he's doing.

I have friends who like to buy designer clothes, others who spend on nice wine, others who prioritise travel. I'm sure some of them think the others others spend on are bonkers but they're all courteous enough not to say it. I'm definitely not frugal but my friends I think would still say I am because I love a bargain. But I'd never look down at someone for enjoying different things from me.

JazbayGrapes · 08/07/2023 11:39

you need to agree on separate entertainment. He goes fishing, you go to theatre. Holidays may be more tricky, but i'd rather take a family member or a friend rather than a sulky husband.

Gateappreciation · 08/07/2023 12:10

Thus thread reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a relative. He said he would rather spend his money on a new tool, rather than go on holiday, as he could use it time after time. I was quite shocked at the time and felt really sorry for his wife, as I envisaged no more holidays for her.

SaltyCrisps · 08/07/2023 13:00

I agree with everybody else. He sounds dreadful.

I see you say he likes to get out on his bike. Perhaps I'm unduly suspicious, but I suspect that wasn't a cheap purchase as decent bikes are quite expensive. More than enough to buy you many theatre tickets and nice meals.

LolaSmiles · 08/07/2023 13:04

I don't think there's a problem with having a simple taste in hobbies, or in being frugal. But there is a problem with disparaging others because your tastes differ from theirs, and that's what he's doing
Agree with this.

I don't like going to high end restaurants and I don't see the point in spending a fortune on new cars all the time. They aren't things that bring me joy, so I don't do them.

It would be really rude for me to speak to a friend who enjoys getting new cars and disparage their spending choices.

TedMullins · 08/07/2023 13:15

He sounds awful. Enjoying the theatre or nice meals isn’t “pretending to be something you’re not” it’s just…enjoying things you like! I grew up working class and I like cheesy chips and watching eastenders but I also like bougie hotels, fancy meals and independent films. People of any class can like whatever they want (there’s a conversation to be had about the accessibility of things like theatre and opera but I’m pretty sure that’s not what his issue is).

Why is he so obsessed with categorising activities into class and being “normal”? What even is normal? Everyone has their own normal. Did he grow up being given these messages by his parents and told to know his place, and is now resentful of people who just do what they like and are unencumbered by class and societal expectations?

as others have said, he can like or dislike whatever he chooses but it’s not his place to judge what you enjoy or try and stop you, and his reasons for disliking theatre/holidays/meals etc don’t sound very valid anyway, more like they’re coming from a place of resentment.-

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 14:00

He is also very worried about how our children are learning its ok to pretend you are something you are not.

What the fuck does that even mean?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 14:01

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/07/2023 16:52

He sounds like a joyless twat.

What an arsehole, tell him yep, he's right, your ideas and pleasures are far too hoighty toighty for him so he'd best fuck off out of it and go enjoy his misery and cheap dinners by himself.

Watch the door doesn't hit his arse.

Yeah, this.

You only get one life. Don't let him drag you down.

Sweetheartoftherodeo · 08/07/2023 14:13

Are you allowed to listen to classical music? Music and the theatre are important to widen the education of your children.

Gateappreciation · 13/07/2023 09:29

How are you doing, op?

hattie43 · 13/07/2023 09:35

He sounds like he has a really warped reality . Also sounds like you will have a retirement in poverty if he believes in doing things that cost nothing so will retire early . Honestly he sounds utterly joyless .

pristinequeen · 13/07/2023 09:38

Miserable fuck

GettingStuffed · 13/07/2023 09:43

Do things you enjoy with your children. I'd be seen as stuck up by your husband. A few weeks ago I had a day out with my grandson age 6 we went to an art gallery followed by a museum, his choices- both were free. Lunch was an artisan pizza which he declared the best pizza he'd ever had.

he can't complain if you do things without him. Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing.

Thedogscollar · 13/07/2023 09:46

pristinequeen · 13/07/2023 09:38

Miserable fuck

😂😂😂
That covers it perfectly.

Artycrafts · 13/07/2023 09:50

DutchCowgirl · 07/07/2023 16:44

Does he hate his job that much? That he wants to retire at 50 and to achieve this he wants his family to stop having any luxuries?

It seems awful if my dh would retire at 50, what would he be doing all day when i am at work?

Are you so dependent on each other that you don't do your own thing?

Catspyjamas17 · 13/07/2023 10:06

Has he changed recently or has he always been this way? I would never have got together with someone with this attitude.

DutchCowgirl · 13/07/2023 10:21

Artycrafts · 13/07/2023 09:50

Are you so dependent on each other that you don't do your own thing?

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Not really… he is just a very busy person who likes his work very much. He needs to be busy all the time, he can’t sit still for more than an hour a day.
I think my dh would get very bored without his job. He often says he never wants to retire.

Artycrafts · 13/07/2023 10:44

DutchCowgirl · 13/07/2023 10:21

Not really… he is just a very busy person who likes his work very much. He needs to be busy all the time, he can’t sit still for more than an hour a day.
I think my dh would get very bored without his job. He often says he never wants to retire.

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Fair enough..

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 13/07/2023 10:47

Tight, critical and joyless.
And he's all yours!