Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

The thing about her forcing you back to work and taking your maternity leave is just disgustingly selfish and cruel.

I know it's hard, but you will be better without her.

Having your DD to yourself 50/50, and not being undermined and criticised, will be better than what you have now .

I totally understand you. I can see very clearly what she's doing and how she's doing it now and I can see how often it happens. Even if it's something so small and seems ridiculous, I know exactly what it is.

Yes I have, because I work in a hospital, we have a woman who we can talk to about anything, work related, home life, anything and I confided in her last year. She was amazing and really showed me a lot of what I was dealing with was most definitely not in my head like my DP makes believe. When I said I'm not strong enough to leave, she said you're incredibly strong, look at what you're dealing with every single day, that takes some incredible strength.
Also, one of my colleagues can see what I'm going through and she's amazing, she keeps saying to just get out. It's hard to talk about at first but once you've said it and it's out there, even if just to a couple of people, it gets easier, trust me.

I actually escaped last year with my DS when she was at work. I was completely guilt ridden and could stop thinking about how she must be feeling now that we're not there, how ridiculous considering what she does to me on the daily.
Unfortunately after manipulation I caved and returned on day 6. We talked and we even admitted to controlling me and said I know now that I have no right to tell you what you can and cannot do and I won't ever do it again please just come home. Stupidly I fell for it and for a short while everything was fine and I honestly thought that was it. Fast forward to now and it's 10x worse and I now definitely know that no matter what she says or does that she will never change.

I'm the only one that can change my life for the better and believe me, I'm going to. I really hope you can too.

I actually escaped last year with my DS when she was at work. I was completely guilt ridden and could stop thinking about how she must be feeling now that we're not there, how ridiculous considering what she does to me on the daily.
Unfortunately after manipulation I caved and returned on day 6. We talked and we even admitted to controlling me and said I know now that I have no right to tell you what you can and cannot do and I won't ever do it again please just come home. Stupidly I fell for it and for a short while everything was fine and I honestly thought that was it. Fast forward to now and it's 10x worse and I now definitely know that no matter what she says or does that she will never change.

I'm the only one that can change my life for the better and believe me, I'm going to. I really hope you can too.

@TwistedCherry I am so sorry you've been through this. I wish you all the best x

@rosesarentred3 please bare the above in mind in those moments where you just want to leave and run away. This is what I worry will happen. With no plan and how often abused women DOUBT themselves/what just happened/did I just overreact/am I wrong?? Coupled with the apologetic texts and the I know I need to change messages. I worry this will lead you to returning to her a few days later and things becoming much worse, much like they did for this lady.

I think you should only leave immediately if she because violent or aggressive again or makes threats.

It feels really uncomfortable to suggest this as we don't want you to stay in an abusive environment for a moment longer! But with a person like this, keeping your cards close to your chest, retaining the upper hand and playing the long game, I think is so so important to leaving and STAYING GONE FOR GOOD.

@TwistedCherry
It's so easy to be talked back round though isn't it, because they know exactly what to say. I've had this where she's said all I've wanted to hear but what I've realised is what is scattered through that is her telling me that in some way it was my fault - for not understanding, for mishearing her, for not getting what she had been saying, I'd got it wrong somehow.

It usually ends up with her telling me more of what I need to be doing to make like easier and better (usually for her). Clean more. Cook more. Work more. Pay for more. Send her more money. And now I'm doing ALL of that - her life is really quite cushy now.

Do you have plans to try and leave again? Would you tell her or just go?

I keep hoping my wife will just end it with me. But I don't think she would because she'd have a lot to lose, financially especially.

Yesterday when I was going to see my friend, she said she didn't want me taking DC. kept telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't. Then she said she was going out. She returned soon after and said she was going to play with DC in the living room. Next thing, I hear the door so I go to the front door and it's left wide open, and she was driving off in the car with DC!

She came back 30 mins later and I did go to see my friend. But in that moment I was so upset and worried. I panicked because I thought 'where is she going? What is she doing? What has she taken DC?' I really panicked.
I don't know what it was all about. Panic? Control? Was it a threat that she can just take DC?
It seems to be escalating this week

@scoobysnaxx
I absolutely understand what you mean because it is 'easier' to believe the lies and try to stay together and have a 'better life'. I know I don't want to do that. I have said before several years ago I was leaving, and I panicked and changed my mind. I felt so bad because she was upset and I was and then I thought I was making a big mistake so stayed.

@TwistedCherry
I also used to work at a hospital and had a counsellor I spoke to here. This was years ago, and I remember her saying to me 'everything seems to be your fault. Everything you describe, she finds a way to make it your fault'.

Also at that time we were considering fertility treatment, and she said way back then 'I want the full maternity leave because I was a year off work'. And the counsellor said to me 'but you'd need time to recover.. your body will need time to recover from pregnancy and the birth. Why would she have that time? You would need it'.

I remembered that recently and felt so so sad.

Abusers sense change in their victims.
They can smell it.

She can see that the scales are dropping from your eyes so she needs to escalate things to keep you in line.

She will likely switchbto love bombing you too.

Anything to keep you in line.

Waking into a police station and reporting your coercive abuse is the best action.

She came back 30 mins later and I did go to see my friend. But in that moment I was so upset and worried. I panicked because I thought 'where is she going? What is she doing? What has she taken DC?' I really panicked.
I don't know what it was all about. Panic? Control? Was it a threat that she can just take DC? *
*
SPOT ON.

That's EXACTLY what she wanted you to feel.

Panic. Fear. It's a silent threat. YOU ARE NOT TAKING HER.

So A) I am going to physically take her so you can't. And B) I am going to physically take her and not tell you so you squirm and panic and feel sick and I ENJOY THIS. I want to punish you.

She is honestly a sick sick bitch.

@rosesarentred3 so Monday, new day new week.

How do we take the next step this week?

Is there a time to try women's aid again?

'I don't know what it was all about. Panic? Control? Was it a threat that she can just take DC?
It seems to be escalating this week'

OP - I've not been in your exact situation, but that is definitely what this looks like. Maybe she's even panicking & has an inkling the gig is up. Whatever she does next, love bombing etc, do not for one MOMENT entertain the idea there's any way back from this, she is beyond redemption for what she's done to you.

You need experienced advice on the safest next steps & as quickly as humanly possible.

Please remember you are not wrong, you deserve none of this, she is a revolting human &, most of all, your DC will not remember any of this at all. None of it. So don't feel guilty for what you're in the process of doing.

It's always my fault aswell, even though I know for a damn fact now that something isn't she twists it so much and so cleverly that it really seems like it is my fault.

She says things like "you need to go back in your 'happy pills, maybe then you'll be a better person and this relationship would be better"
(I was on antidepressants for PND after having DS, which incidentally, was caused by her and I remember exactly what happened but she denies it, suppose that's gaslighting.) I came off them when I returned to work, she now pesters me to go back on them, as if being on them will make any difference, she's still doing the abuse.

She says as well that if I ever think about leaving again, she will go to court and take DS off of me as I'm an unfit mother and a useless one at that because I had PND, DS would be better off without me.

I admit I do feel down and depressed, I am severely unhappy, she says she isn't happy either because I don't give her affection, no I don't and I don't want to either. Thing is, like you, I wish she'd end it and just leave but that will never happen because they can't let go of the control. It's taken her 10 years to get me like this, no way would she just give up and leave and have to start all over again with some other poor soul.

Yes, I do plan to leave again. I'm not saying a word to her because all I get is false promises and how it's somehow all my fault and I'm heartless and selfish.
I left very unexpectedly last time and I think that's why it fell through and I went back. This time I'm so much more clued up, I'm taking it slowly, getting all the legal rights known to me (will be getting in touch with a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse).

I'm taking back control, slowly but surely, I'm playing the long game. She seems to have clicked on a bit and said to me yesterday "I know your game, you're gonna get your inheritance and leave with the money" I wanted to say so bad you've hit the nail on the head but didn't, played her at her own game and made out she was being stupid for even thinking it. It felt good to get the upper hand for just a few seconds.

I do feel excited sometimes at the prospect of a new life, miles away from her, it's what keeps me going. And the fact that DS won't be around her toxic behaviour and thinking it's normal, I don't want him to be like her nor do I want him to like me and stay in a relationship like this. He deserves better and so do I. I'm doing it for the both of us.

Echoing someone else's advice. Play the long game. Leaving on a whim didn't work for me, don't make the same mistake, abuse gets 10x worse when you go back. Stick with it for now. Get all the legal advice you need, if you can, if it's safe to do so, get some evidence. I have some screenshots of messages and voice recordings, although that's getting unsafe now, as she checks my phone regularly.

Whatever you do, just make sure you do it safely, that's rule number 1.
If she notices a change in you, she will change accordingly, she'll start love bombing you, remember it's fake, it's designed to drag you back in, see through it, see it for what it really is. It's a mindgame, they're experts at it

That wasn't her time to take.

She's selfish and cruel.

Don't let her take anything else from you.

So therapists (many over the years) and MN have told you that this relationship is abusive yet you still continue to wonder whether it is?

You have a responsibility to your child to remove them from this situation…..

It doesn’t matter what happens you need to leave don’t you?

You haven’t said she is abusing the child but by the child being present during the abusive dynamic of your relationship then it is suffering

You separating will save her from witnessing that at least

@TwistedCherry
It's so interesting you saying that because my DP keeps saying I need to go to the GP and be put on antidepressants.
What an awful thing to experience. It's sounds like you're making more of a concrete plan. It's quite narcissistic behaviour isn't it?

Are you married? Would she be able to get some of the inheritance?

I feel like my wife is up to something. She seems suspicious. She's on her phone a lot. Something seems off.

@scoobysnaxx
I did try again today. I was number 12. I'll try again tomorrow. I did type an email to them but I deleted it because I panicked a bit. I think I'd feel better speaking on that phone than sending an email.

I honestly don't understand half of the interactions that take place. When I'm thinking of one we have had tonight, this is how it's been for years (even before DC - it's hard to explain).
DC was crying so I said 'shall I make her a bottle?'

DP's response was to reply in a really angry tone 'I've already made her a bottle. Do you think I can't look after her? You think I'm starving her? Do you think I'm just sat here and don't know how to look after her?'

I said 'I've said I'll make her a bottle. I didn't realise you were up. I don't know what's going on here' (meaning because of how she's responding). So she replies 'no, you never do, do you?'

When I think back over the years, arguments have come from absolutely nowhere. I remember years ago thinking 'what just happened?' Or 'what's going on? How is she mad at that?'

Because I realise I could have said anything. Absolutely anything and she could see something to argue about.
Ive never experienced this in other relationships so I remember thinking how bizarre it was but either justifying it. Or she would make up many reasons afterwards why she behaved that way and would say things that would make me feel bad for her etc.

I could say 'do you fancy going to the park today?'
And she would respond with 'what, so you want me driving around all day trying to find a space so we can go to the park for half an hour? Do you think I've got nothing better to do? We could have gone to the park yesterday but you didn't mention it then did you? I've got this house to clean because you don't do it do you? No, because I do it just like I do everything else. Like your mum. When do I get a break? When do I get to relax? Why don't you ever think about my needs?'

That's all it takes really. Also, before anyone asks - I do clean the house. And she sometimes books a cleaner to come in for the day and I'll pay for it. But I also do clean although she tells me I never do.

She will see me cleaning the bathroom, she will actually come in and see me doing it.

Then an hour later she will say to me 'did you clean the bathroom today? Only it doesn't look clean. Did you actually do anything in there? You can't tell me you actually cleaned it. Are you joking? Have you seen the sink / bath / toilet / shower? You can't tell me you've cleaned that. You don't know how to clean so you. It all gets left to me. I'll have to go over that now I might as well do it myself. Just like I do everything else'.

And on and on and on it goes...

Honestly your story reminds me of the handmaids tale. You carried and birthed the baby, then she claimed it and even forced you to pump milk for her to feed. It's shocking.

I know it's hard, but you can let someone treat you like this. You need to leave

@SunRainStorm
I know and I'm trying to. I need to do it as carefully as possible. I wanted to just tell her and then arrange selling the house etc. but I realise now it probably won't be that easy.
She's already escalated things because I must seem more distant.

Your accounts of your partner's behaviour are chilling. You've said yourself that you think she's up to something, so I'd be leaving before she does with your child.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? I'd be getting advice prior to telling her you will be separating.

You need to separate your finances, and immediately file for 50/50 custody.

You've already taken the first step, which is detailing some of the abuse here (I'm sure there's heaps more, and I think as you start to recount it you'll remember stuff you'd even forgotten about! You're already being brave and strong!

The fact you think all your friends think the world of your wife is interesting because I'm willing to bet at least some of them can see what she's like. It reminds me of a book I read once about domestic violence, a lawyer (I think) said women world always insist their abusive partners were incredibly clever, they'd never be able to get the better of them, then the lawyer would meet these partners and they'd basically be knuckle-dragging idiots it was very easy to destroy them in court!

Good luck @rosesarentred3 and @TwistedCherry, we're all rooting for you both!

Also, I'd bet that the insistence you need to be on anti depressants is their attempt to build up a case that you're mentally unstable (because that always works in the movies)

Courts are not fussed by antidepressants- they are very common and if anything they are demonstrative that someone is being proactive and receiving mental health support.

They are much more concerned by people who don't seek treatment and support.

If that's the partner's plan (it may well be) then it could backfire on her. She will look ignorant and like she is point scoring if she tries to use that against OP.

Exactly @SunRainStorm! They're incredibly common and a great boost for so many people. It annoys me that it's become such a "trope" in Gaslight-style books and films!

Because I realise I could have said anything. Absolutely anything and she could see something to argue about

EXACTLY.

I'm so glad you see this. You could have said bloody anything and people like this will start an argument. Then you're left angry and upset and questioning yourself. For no reason!!

Also @WarmButteryCrumpets makes a good point. She's setting the scene wanting you to reach out somewhere for support because you're crazy.

This is so so sinister. She is a gaslighter. Making you think you are mad and need help. This is beyond cruel.

I'm sorry you were 12th in the Q with women's aid 😩 but please don't be disheartened.

Today is a new day - WE GO AGAIN.

Also try call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 200 0247