Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Is she on the birth certificate love? How did you have your baby?

Everyone bad mouths their ex when they get dumped, your friends won’t feel any different of you because of your STBX’s lies.

Your friends will see the old you coming back and will soon realise that it wasn’t you that was the problem.

Your partner is a cunt. She's a clever cunt at that. You need to out cunt her and you can do this. You just need the right advice.

@TRexTara
We had IVF. She is on the birth certificate. And baby has her surname.

Get a good solicitor and never mind how much money it might cost you. If you and your baby are living free five years time in a housing association property with no money, you won't give a shit. You will be so so happy.

With all due respect you have been told multiple times on your other posts that this relationship is toxic.

Was the egg yours? Is this child yours?

It's hard to leave an abusive relationship and in this situation the abuser has put themselves into a situation where it's possible they could take control of the child.

OP write things down. Write down dates. It will help you in court. Go see a family lawyer. And I would also suggest you pick up your baby and run with her, either to a woman's refuge or your mums. But I'm not coming from a legal background.

What's the real issue with your family? You seem quite dismissive of them.

Joan Armatrading, No More Pain

This pain is my protection
It tells me to run
This pain is what you gave
But it's making me strong
Even though I can't define it
Does not mean that I'm confused

@Quitelikeit
I am quite aware of that.

Was that for me?

Sorry I did the quote thing wrong.

I think you have received some excellent practical advice, e.g. contacting the police and Women's Aid, confiding in friends and/or family members. I don't really have anything to add to that.

But I wanted to offer a book recommendation. Have you read In the Dream House? It's a memoir by Carmen Maria Machado detailing her abusive same-sex relationship. I would highly recommend this book. It might give you further insight into the dynamics of your own relationship, especially if you start to doubt whether your partner is abusive (she absolutely is). It's also brilliantly written.

I really hope you are able to leave this relationship sooner rather than later. You and your child deserve to live a life free of fear and abuse.

Btw Op, even some of the pp on here who seem quite harsh with you actually genuinely care about you but are frustrated. We don't know you personally but your story connects with a lot of us who have been through a few things. We are concerned and angry on your behalf. It seems that some of us on here care far more about you than your cunt of a bitch partner. Even if some can be harsh. Please think about that. You now have an audience, or a fan club wishing you well and hoping for the best for you. You have to leave her.

You poor woman - this is one of the nastiest abuse cases I have read about on here. Your DP is an utterly hideous human being.

I just wanted to say, don't be too certain that all your friends believe DP's nonsense. It may be that they can sense that she is not right in the head and they think its safer for themselves to just agree with her. You are so caught up in the madness that you can't see it objectively, but it may well be that your friends are actually very concerned about you but think that you will either be defensive of DP, or that criticising her will make you angry.

@TRexTara
No it was for the other person. Thank you for your comments. They have been helpful. I'm going to go through them again tomorrow as I haven't been able to read them all properly yet.

@BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere
Thank you. I haven't heard of that book but I will read it.
I have been doubting myself for so long that it is hard to acknowledge that it's abuse. I have seen many therapists over the years. And as soon as they've started saying that my relationship seems abusive, I can't help but defend my partner and rationalise her behaviour.

I keep doubting myself and thinking if people heard her side of things, they might see everything differently and that I am to blame.

@PonyPatter44
Thank you. I hope so. There are a couple that may think like that. But there are others who truly believe she is a really kind, thoughtful, caring amazing person because she really is like that with these people. She seems so well out together, wise and level headed, and very empathic.

Oh Lord. That's heart breaking. If you like music, please listen to that Joan armatrading song, this pain. You are being abused. I'm glad you finally recognise it.

I'm probably being a pain in the arse now so will back off and let you be guided by much smarter women than me.

I remember your other post.

You've come a long way. Leaving is hard, but you'll get there. You can't live like this, it's heartbreaking.

Her just not allowing you to spend that 4th trimester with your baby when you wanted to is profound abuse of you and your child. Whether a judge sees it that way or not.

I think I would much prefer a thug of a man who smacks my face up, but understands I need to be with my baby.

Op. I just want to add that I could have written this myself. I'm also married to a woman and we share a 4 year old DS together, both on the birth certificate (I carried).

I will say that a lot of what you've written is very similar to what I'm going through and some things seem worse than mine.

I'm also starting the process of leaving, I've realised so much of the abuse I'm subjected to and once I saw it I couldn't unsee it and now I see just how much she abuses me and how clever she is at playing the victim.

Maybe we can support each other through this process and perhaps to it together so to speak.

I totally understand how scary it is to pick up the phone and ring women's aid. I've been emailing them for the time being but will ring them when it's safe for me to do so.

I really hope we can both find the strength to do this and get out much deserved freedom and a better life as I know it's out there for both of us.

Good luck and please be strong, you can do this. We both can do this 💛

@TwistedCherry
Thank you. I appreciate that. I think that's what is happening for me. I can't unsee it now and everything seems clearer. I can see when she's being manipulative, when she is playing the victim. When she is gaslighting me. I can actually see it and although I still doubt myself, I have to remind myself that her behaviour isn't rational.
Have you told anyone about your situation?