Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Yes the courts and any professional services will not take into account any medication.

The point is that if she THINKS they will, she is clearly 'setting the scene' to play the 'she is unwell' card so watch out for other signs too and don't fall for them.

Yes and the relationship it’s not good and get a clean break

Another abusive thing she has done in by making you go back to work she denied you breast feeding and bonding that way. Another one for your very long list OP.

If you happen you have your phone on record sometimes maybe you could accidentally catch her shouting?

Good luck with phoning WA today. Is the tracker on your phone a hidden of fixed one or easily removed? If its fitted or hidden I am sure the police would help you remove it.

This is all just so horribly wrong…

Echo previous PPs though - you need to speak to a solicitor.

And remove the tracker from your car!

Document what you can.

Document that there was a tracker in your car.

try to record her yelling at you.

Tell your GP you are struggling with how she acted in the newborn stage- so there are medical notes corroborating your experience.

Yes if you're worried about removing the tracker because she'll know you've seen it and had the balls the remove it - see if you can get someone to take a picture of it under your car and leave it there for the time being..

I'd go to the police, ask for a domestic violence worker and ask for their help removing the tracker. Then it will be logged.

Can you make phone calls and appointments during your work day?

Do you understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship?

Yes I absolutely do. I’ve seen heartbreaking situations and read about them on here too.

However I do agree that I’m frustrated about the Posters stance.

She has many factors going for her that other poor women have not and they’ve still found the courage to go.

It’s the children who end up damaged and become an abuser or marry one!

The earlier you get out the better.

@Quitelikeit you obviously DONT understand at all. How does this help a DV victim? Telling her basically you've made your bed, you should've left, you're ruining your kids.

Get out of here.

@Quitelikeit I don’t think you fully understand at all! From the outside it is so easy to say ‘leave’ but to the person who is in an abusive relationship but it is so incredibly more complex than that! I could write an essay, even a book on why it isn’t as straightforward as some people seem to think! Before commenting again please read up on all types of abusive relationship, abuse cycle, sunken cost fallacy, trauma bonding, abuse amnesia as merely a starting point!
The OP needs support, guidance and people to listen without judgement, she is in an invisible prison with a relentless torturer, she is surviving and doing her best to get through each minute. She knows she has to leave, the fog that has surrounded her, is lifting and she realising the extent of the abuse and toxicity. She needs to protect herself and child and leave when it is safe and she has the strength to fight the 1001 ways her abuser will try to get them back, as without doubt, they will not just let them leave.

If you look at the other posts she actually had all that information

And there are other threads

Yes of course I understand it’s very hard to leave.

And I do not want to hurt the poster I want to encourage her to look back at other posts, she knows this is abusive and hundreds of posters have said so.

Only the OP can change things. She certainly can’t change the partner.

@Quitelikeit But in extreme cases like this, the victim can be given the advice millions of times. However, the influence and the power of the abuser is far stronger, the victim will lose their sense of self and their own inner voice, they will be so scared of upsetting the abuser and have been almost like hypnotised to default their thinking to “it must me me, it’s my fault, if only I did x,y, z, they are under pressure, they are drunk…” in the moment or at the time of reading/hearing the advice the victim can truely see the abuse and what they need to do, but 5 hours, minutes or seconds later a wave of panic, anxiety, terror will overcome all sense of logic. It’s like all the tools are in the toolbox but the lid will not open.
absolutely true that only the OP can change things, but that may not be today, tomorrow or even soon, maybe they will try once, twice, three…more times to improve the relationship, forgive them again. BUT, one day they hopefully will, something will lead them into action and all the advice, suggestions and support will them to leave and to leave permanently.

With each update, we have a clearer picture of her behaviour.

Since I last posted, I can feel a strength in your postings. You are taking steps to free yourself from her, it takes time, it can take many times/attempts to actually leave.

You have been brainwashed, you can not think clearly and are doubting yourself, which is perfectly normal. However, in saying that, you are beginning to get stronger and you are able to see how wrong her behaviour is. You will get stronger, you will wake up one day and something will click in your head that this is the day I leave/or she leaves.

When in a abusive relationship, sometimes we fear what others will think and say, sometimes we imagine scenarios of what will be said and done. We feel embarrassed, ashamed etc, the thing is, people will be very understanding, people will be shocked to hear the awful abuse you have been suffering, those who choose to believe her, let them, they aren't your friends, you keep hold of those who will be there for you.

When we're in the middle of things like this, we can't think straight and need bullet points on the next move to take. I'm not in the UK I don't know the laws surrounding this, if you can open a new email address, using a completely different name, the longest password and save in the drafts or in a new file a list of bullet points that you will need to follow to end this marriage, things like paper work, contact details for solicitors, passwords for banks etc all the things you don't want her to see.

I've read your posts but maybe I missed it, did you say you went to a solicitor or have an appointment? You do need to get as much advice as possible as to what you can do, how things will proceed when seperating, what to expect regarding your child.

You are doing everything, you pay for everything, you are a capable person and from your posts a loving mother. You can do anything you put your mind to, you will find the strength to end this marriage, even when we are at the lowest point in our lives when we think, there's no more to give, we can reach in and find that small amount of strength to take that last step, whether it's to walk out the door or ask her to leave.

She has a very comfortable life, you have provided her with that, you are a kind, caring person. She will be fine and she will survive so you don't have to feel guilty. This is the time to focus on you and your dc and make plans for the future to make both your lives much happier, healthier, enjoyable, stress free, imagine waking up each day and looking at your dc face, watching them smile and laugh, be happy and content and not living in a household where significant abuse has taken place, imagine stretching out in your own bed and feeling relieved and happy that you don't have to worry if you said the wrong thing, wore the wrong clothes, left a cup on side, cleaned the bathroom properly, verbal abuse and constant put downs for asking normal questions or to do something. The anxiety all washed away, a healthier mental health and bank balance.

You can do this, you are getting stronger each day, every person on this thread believes in you and we are wanting to offer you support with whatever you need.

I’m really worried she’s going to do something awful, maybe something involving getting you into trouble with the police/allegations you’re abusing her/something to do with your daughter.

You need to get in before her, OP. You need to act quickly, quicker than you are. I know that’s easy to say, but her behaviour is extremely worrying.

@Wendysfriend
Thank you I really appreciate that.
I haven't contacted a solicitor yet.
I feel awful about DC because she absolutely loves my wife. She cries when DP walks away from her, and then I see DP pretending to walk away and saying 'bye' just to get a reaction from DC which really frustrates me. I'll say 'please don't do that because it makes her cry for no reason'. Then all I get it 'god I can't do anything right can I? You're just so perfect aren't you?'

I keep imagining life in the future and wonder what it will be like. Trying to imagine all lovely things, feeling relaxed, not anxious or worried, walking on eggshells, not afraid of saying the wrong thing, seeing my family and friends without horrible comments being made or having an argument about it. But I don't think she'll make it easy. I think she'll still find other ways to get to me. Possibly through DC which will break my heart.

@Hibiscrubbed
I did wonder that. Something seems to be going on. She has made a couple of comments as if she's telling me she's watching my behaviour and it isn't ok. She's said a few things now which makes me paranoid she's going to make out I've been abusive. I wouldn't be surprised if she's logging things herself to be honest

I think when you contact a solicitor you will feel much better and even stronger. It's important to get advice from one.

What stands out to me in your post is how she is using your child this way. That's quite concerning, she is not only abusing you, she is abusing your daughter too. This type of behaviour doesn't stop, it gets worse and I do honestly believe she wouldn't give it a second thought to use your daughter like this again and treat her exactly the same way she treats you.

You need to focus on the present, try not to think how she'll be in the future, what she'll do. If you and your dd remain living with her, it will be much more worse for the both of you. She will be able to break you down completely until you can no longer function as an adult, You'll contemplate suicide because you'll think life will be easier if you're not here suffering at her hands, she will have 24/7 access to your daughter to control, speak, treat and belittle her the way she treats you , taking away her childhood, ruining her mental health, paving the pathway to adulthood of therapists, choosing the wrong friendships and relationships because there wasn't a good example set for her or good guidance by your wife. Whereas you can guide your dd the right way if you have her with you and you are not under her control.

@Wendysfriend amazing words 💜

I feel awful about DC because she absolutely loves my wife. She cries when DP walks away from her, and then I see DP pretending to walk away and saying 'bye' just to get a reaction from DC which really frustrates me. I'll say 'please don't do that because it makes her cry for no reason'. Then all I get it 'god I can't do anything right can I? You're just so perfect aren't you?' *

OP this is absolutely dreadful and is clear abuse and manipulation to your daughter.

Please get to social services for support before she does. This is really sick. Speak to your health visitor. You are entitled to one until your child is 5.*

Record everything you can. Documents.
Voice recordings.

You really need to beat her to the punch. Don't let her control the narrative!!

I remember your other threads, OP. You know you need to leave but the only love and support you’re getting is from this fucked up source, because that’s how she’s made it. You need to get yourself away. Look after you for a week, or two. Have yourself some intensive sessions with your therapist. Bring your nervous system back into regulation. Then you can start making decisions about how to rebuild your life away from this horrible woman.

Also as if you needed any more proof - anyone who treats a child like that (purposely making them cry to “prove” something or “get a reaction” is just fucking sick in the head. Record it next time (voice notes generic app on iPhone) and use it as proof that she’s vile and controlling.

The sooner you speak properly to woman's aid and flee with your DC the better. You both need to be away from her to be able to breathe and reset.

I think you would need to go simultaneous to court to get an interim order that DC lives with you and use the legal channels to ensure that she doesn't withhold DC from you.

You are so broken that you aren't realising how strong you are to have endured so much abuse yet you are still surviving.

Keep moving forward with getting in touch with WA, your options for filing charges with the police and the ability to go to court for a non-molestation charge and lives with order.

I don't think that's a sign she loves your wife particularly. That whole dynamic seems really cruel and unhealthy.

Moreover- She's being deprived of a stronger relationship with you and that is to her detriment.

How is your week going @rosesarentred3 ? Have you tried Women's Aid again?