Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Please message a friend you trust and say you're so sorry you've been awol you need some help and advice f from someone you trust and could you meet up

Then explain what's happening

Don't tell your dp this

Call women's aid for advice about leaving safely

victim blaming. No one being abused is the maker of their own misery for staying. Being abused impacts someone’s ability to leave. the abuser is the sole cause of the situation.

OP, try and do this for your child if not yourself.

Your child needs you well and safe.

This is chilling abuse, OP. Just horrifying. Please, please do everything you can to get away from this utterly monstrous woman.

Aquamarine1029
Op, I remember your previous posts. I'm sorry, but you are the maker of your own misery at this point. You should have left your partner ages and ages ago. Nothing will ever change until you do, and your partner will only become more abusive.

Yes OP ignore this ignorant idiot!!!

@scoobysnaxx
Thank you. I did ignore their comment. It's just another person trying to shame me so I ignored it.

Also, don't want to make you feel worse OP, but at some point her venom and manipulation will turn on your child. At the moment they are sweet and cute and compliant. What's going to happen when they grow a brain and a personality and start telling her no? Or decide they feel closer to you?

I'm really concerned for you because I know beforehand that your partner will lie through her teeth to get her hands on your child so she can continue to control you. My ex lied so much and I was so naive and it was a big shock to me. He also roped other people into lying for him.

You need to take your child and go to either your mums, or a refuge. You also need some really strong legal advice and start the paperwork trail now. Tell your mum everything.

Once you have left you will absolutely need some sort of professional help to deal with the trauma from the abuse and manipulation. You have listed some examples here, but there will be some you have either forgotten about or are too ashamed to talk about. You will need the help of a therapist to work through them when they come up.

I really hope someone who knows the law and family courts can give you some real advice. But just hoping things will get better and being grateful she isn't smacking you about that a not going to resolve this. The longer you stay the worse this will get.

If she threatens suicide, that's her business, don't fall for it. Do what's right for you and your child. I wish you the best.

I have told one friend who was very shocked and surprised to hear this.
They're confused as to why I've stayed so long. So am I. It makes sense when you think of domestic abuse relationships and how they work but doesn't make sense to many people.

I know many of you are saying 'just leave'. I have every intention of leaving. But how I do it is another story. I'm trying to get whatever advice I can. I know that she will play dirty. She will bad mouth me to everyone. She already tells people how lazy I am and that she has to do everything for me because I can't do anything for myself.

Dig deep and stay strong.

Leave WITH your baby, to a refuge or your parents IF they will be very supportive.

Seek legal advice about her having contact with your DC that there is a high risk of her withholding the baby due to her controlling and coercive behaviour including denying you shared parental leave etc.

You need to plan this covertly and carefully.

Sometimes it's hard to even accept that we are being abused, especially when the abuser it so manipulative. We blame ourselves and tell ourselves we are stupid. Finding the strength to leave can be so hard even more so when the abuser has cut us off from our true support.

What's making it even more of a head fuck for you is that she is a woman, you see her as another mother to your child, and she isn't extremely physically violent. But make no mistake, you are being abused. She is a wrongun.

I completely understand your concerns.

OP, that is why I think involving the police is the way to go.

By involving them it will most likely put her on the back foot and make her far more careful about retaliation.

You have proof of being back at work.

No woman I have ever heard of for goes mat leave.

When people hear this is a police matter they will be looking at HER, not you.

Please please consider going to the police.

Op I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like this.
you know what you have to do
keep us posted
I can’t wait to see your progression!

Sometimes people have the idea that the abuse in a lesbian relationship can't be as bad as that in a heterosexual one. But it can be worse. My cousin had to walk away from a relationship where she was raising the woman's child as the woman was a terrible selfish parent. The child begged for her to come back and still misses her, but she had to go for her own mental health and had no rights over the child.

This is your baby, what she did to you in the first year of your babies life was unforgivable and wrong for your child also. As a PP said, when you leave, take your baby with you. You can't leave an innocent child under her control.

This has been so upsetting to read, you deserve so much more. You can break away from her, as terrifying as it is, you will look back and know you have done the right thing for you and your baby

Good luck with your next steps

Yes this is bloody heartbreaking. I'm overly invested now because I feel so much for the OP. Her partner plays evil games with her. There is something really wrong with that woman. The worst part is that she could say in court that she is now the main carer and mother for the child. That makes me feel sick. I went through a lot with my ex husband but even he didn't play that dirty. OP is right to be concerned. Her partner makes me feel sick. She's evil.

I have told one friend who was very shocked and surprised to hear this

WELL DONE!!! What else did your friend say? Will they offer some support, if a listening ear?
Can this friend help you access a solicitor perhaps or provide cover for you while you go and speak to one?

Every long journey begins with a first step OP. You're doing it, just keep focused on each little step, don't let the bigger picture take over.

I second the advice to go to the police. Having a record of a complaint filed against her may work in your favour here.

The good thing is that you're seeing her behaviour clearly and recognising it as the abuse that it is. Coercive control and emotional/mental abuse can be really hard to spot which is why it can be really hard to leave as we try and minimise the behaviours or dismiss how abusive it is off the back of "Well, she doesn't hit me."

All the behaviours you list are abusive. Trying to isolate you from friends and family, belittling you, making you feel like you depend on her and would be helpless without her etc.

It's also not unusual for abusers to be liked and well-thought of by people who are not their victims. They can put on a veneer of charm when it suits them.

This will start to impact your DC when they are older. No doubt she will try and make some attempt to control and manipulate them and if not, she will bear witness to how she treats you and normalise it.

Keep a log of the behaviour. Date, time, what happened, what was said, as much detail as you can. If you have any emails/texts/messages or voicemails containing the behaviour-save those.

Basically gather as much evidence as possible. The fact that you've discussed this for years with a therapist is very good too-if they can use any of this. I'd be looking at telling as many people as possible that you trust about what she is like and how she treats you.

Right now, you know you can't salvage this relationship. So you need to make as good and clean an exit as you can and she will try and manipulate her way out of it. She will lie. She will paint you as the bad guy and she the victim. She will do all of that-and you have to be okay with people believing her. Their opinion will matter not a jot when you're free and living with your DC.

Good luck, OP. I read one of your posts in this thread and honestly-it contained a lot of gumption. Channel that energy into getting free from this abusive waster.

Also her threats to kill herself are completely meaningless. She will never do that successfully. Because she is deeply selfish. But in a few years if the bitch manages to steal your baby you will be wishing she had.

I wish I could give you better advice, but document everything, make notes of everything and tell the people you love what's happening.

Yes well done OP for confiding in a friend!!

Well done for contacting Women's Aid I'm sorry you had to wait so long.

Push on. We try again. We go again until we succeed.

Remember no rash decisions. Play it cool.

As much as we all want you out of this environment it is a big risk to just leave on a whim as tempting as it is. Women's Aid will have great knowledge and experience of HOW and when is best to leave and what plans to arrange. I still fear just leaving and doing it will leave you even more vulnerable to her.

You will lack info and confidence and have no idea of your next move. She will exploit this and I fear you'll end up right back as it's too scary. Then she's got you where she wants you. And she'll ramp things up to make you feel like you can't try to leave again. Perhaps..

Play it cool.

Having said that, any more physical violence or threats and you leave asap and go straight to the police.

Record everything.

The ball has started rolling now. You're on the move. Even if it feels like you're stuck, unmoving and have no idea where to go next. The ball is still rolling..

Keep going and keep coming back to us 🥰

Don't worry about friends not understanding the situation. You absolutely need to tell your family because your mothers voice will mean something in court.

@CleverLilViper
She doesn't put ANYTHING nasty in texts, emails or written form. Everything in those messages are calm, caring. Never ever mean.

My friend was trying to be helpful. But they know where she works and the job she does etc and was saying 'oh you need to report her to her manager'. My friend knows her manager. I said absolutely not because it would get back to her and that could be catastrophic for me. I told my friend her job is the absolute least of my worries right now but they won't let it go and keep saying to report her to work. I think this is bad advice and wouldn't help me right now at all.

It's terrible advice from your friend. She is not understanding you and your situation at all. Who gives a shit about her job? Not your problem. This is about how you and your baby can safely leave.

What are your family like?

Do not involve yourself in battles with her, keep your eye on the goal. Going after her job might make you look bad in court and malicious.