Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Keep going OP.
I don't think she will want 50% in the end. She's just using that against you. You'll soon find it dwindles down.

How are you doing @rosesarentred3. Hope the last few weeks have been okay for you.

2024 is a new road xx

Thank you @scoobysnaxx
Christmas was up and down. New year was awful. I said I wanted to take DC to see my mum for a couple of hours and she went mad. Calling me all sorts of names. Shouting at me, swearing, calling me everything that was horrible basically.
I did go to my mums for a couple of hours with DC.
She was annoyed and didn't speak to me for days but wanted to take DC everywhere with her.

Even after all that I've just said, occasionally i do wonder if I am the abusive one? I keep wondering "what if I'm an abuser and I've made her do all these things but I don't realise it?'

Was she shouting with DC at home? You must take steps to get DC out of the environment. It is damaging for children to grow up witnessing abuse. Don't normalise it.

Even after all that I've just said, occasionally i do wonder if I am the abusive one? I keep wondering "what if I'm an abuser and I've made her do all these things but I don't realise it?'

That’s all part of her plan. It’s what abusers do - make their victim feel like the abuse is their fault.

Your ex, to put it brutally, is an absolute fucking headcase and wants locking up.

I would actually be amazed, by the way, if she actually does end up having your daughter 50% of the time. All the evidence in your previous posts suggests that she isn’t actually that interested in caring for her and just uses her as a stick to beat you with. My guess is that at first she will continue to try to use your daughter to exert control over you, then will start flaking on arrangements at the last minute, and will then lose interest altogether the moment she meets a new girlfriend.

Abusers don't ask themselves if they're abusive, or fret about whether their behaviour is fair and respectful.

The fact you're wondering about it means it's unlikely.

Please speak to rights of women and get a non-mol and occupation order.

I would also be looking at emergency CAO to sort out shared care.

God, this is such a powerful piece of wisdom. I wish someone had said that to me many years ago when I was torturing myself over my abuser the way OP is.

We're happy to hear from you @rosesarentred3. Sorry new year sucked. As I said, 2024 is a new road and next Christmas will look A LOT different!

I completely echo the others. Abusers plan to make you doubt yourself. That's exactly what abusive behaviour is designed to do to the victim. It's all coercive manipulation and gaslighting.

Please keep coming back - I hope we help steel your wool in those moments of weakness and self doubt. We'll always be here.

So 2024 - where are we at now re solicitor/women's aid etc.

Any updates/plans for next steps? Xx

@rosesarentred3

How are you? Are you managing ok?

Sorry I haven't been on for a while.
We are still living together. House hasn't been sold. I can't get a mortgage break so if I rent somewhere I'll be paying both. I'm meant to be speaking with the bank about different options.

Today, I found a ring door bell inside the house propped up sort of 'disguised' In the bedroom. I haven't mentioned it but I'm certain she noticed me spot it. But I acted like I hadn't seen it. Because I wanted time to think of what to do next.

I wonder if she was planning to provoke you into a row and use the recording as evidence against you.

Filming without your consent is illegal I believe. This is more evidence of her coercive control and abuse.

Have you spoken to Rights of Women about getting an occupation order on the property? She will have to move out when it sells anyway.

Stop being nice and a walkover. Do everything you can to get an occupation order your mental health will improve massively. Your DD deserves to live in a home without abuse and tension.

Are you keeping in touch with WA? Have you taken steps towards getting a CAO for contact? You need to do this so she doesn't take DD in order to punish you.

So sorry to hear that things haven’t progressed with your house sale. Is the ring doorbell in your bedroom? Photograph it for evidence as soon as you can as I suspect she will be watching the footage and see you noticed it and remove it. You need to get a lock for your room. I agree that you should speak to WA, this situation cannot continue for your and your child’s safety, mental health and well-being.

Her installing a camera in your bedroom, even in her own home, is illegal without your knowledge. It's an area in which you can reasonably expect privacy.

www.spyequipmentuk.co.uk/spy-cameras-law-need-know/

We should first point out that it is illegal to set up a hidden camera in any property or room where the individual would expect to have privacy. This may include bathrooms, changing rooms, locker rooms or swimming pools. An exception to the rule here may be when the person installing the spy camera has a parental responsibility.
Bedrooms are also considered an invasion of privacy – an exception to the rule here, however, may be when the person installing the spy camera has a parental responsibility for the room owner, or the room is shared by the camera owner (eg. with a partner).

Absolutely.

I'm so glad you didn't react to it.

Operate under the assumption that she is filming and recording you all the time. Don't rise to anything!

We have finally had an offer on the house which we've accepted. She actually accepted it before she even told me an offer had been made!! Doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

I can feel the build up of tension where she's trying to provoke me into an argument or something.

She's saying she wants the whole of Mother's Day with DC so if I want to see DC, I would need to spend the day with both of them. And if I go to my mums, I can't take DC.

Finding it hard not to react.
She has been meeting so called 'mutual friends' and I haven't been invited. Those friends haven't spoken to me. I bumped into one a couple of weeks ago and she couldn't get away quick enough.

Feeling really down about it all.
Even though we'll sell the house and I won't live with her or be married to her anymore, we'll always have a DC together.

I would just say "that's fine I'll have MD weekend next year".

You can celebrate a day early.

If the friends are so easily taken in by her lies then are they people you want in your life?

She thrives on conflict and being able to emotional abuse you that is why she is trying to provoke you. She wants evidence that you are the as person.

Well done for holding steadfast all this time OP. You truly have been incredible. You are one ginormous leap closer from being rid of her. You may have to parent with her but you don’t ever have to be controlled or live with her again. I would apply for a restraining order against her, with your police evidence there should be enough to support it. Also if you can, petition the courts for set custody days so she can’t use that as a weapon either. It’s always a nasty shock when you find out people you valued as friends are actually horrible, gutless people. Their loss. Try your best not to react, she will only use DC as a weapon for as long as she thinks it will hurt you. The reality will be far different when she has to parent on her own and she has already shown herself as incapable and unwilling. Let her have this MD when DC is young and can’t remember anything and you can have the rest when the novelty of having PR wears off and she buggers off. Keep all communications as possible text or email only for a paper trail and ignore or grey rock anything not to do with DC. She is clutching at straws because she can’t accept she’s lost. Try and focus your thoughts on finding yours and your child’s new home.

Perfect!

@Everthenever @Zoreos @RandomMess

Thank you all for your replies. I'm really trying to not let it get to me. I could see she was waiting for a reaction and she kept baiting me. But I absolutely did not take the bait and just said 'yes that's fine'.

I feel like I am slowly, but surely getting one step closer to freedom. But some days are so much harder than others.

I feel like she is continually using DC to get at me. She knows this works.

I still have a log of everything and I know I could take this to the police, but I am still worried and frightened of that. I know it sounds stupid but I still keep imagining have I exaggerated everything and would her getting into trouble with the police make things a million times worse.

I know there will be so many benefits to separating and not living together. But the thought of not seeing my daughter every day is absolutely killing me. I'm finding it so so hard. I know I will be a better parent because I won't have her looking over my shoulder and criticising my every move. When it is just me and DC, we have a lovely time.

She keeps saying things to me like "you don't even want DC anyway. You won't be able to cope on your own. You won't be able to manage and I bet you're only doing this so you don't have to have her every day. "

Last week I snapped at this, and shouted at her that it isn't true, and she just stood back with a smile on her face, which absolutely infuriated me, and made me annoyed with myself that I had taken the bait and reacted like that.

I will celebrate Mother's Day with my daughter and my mum either the day before or the day after. I feel unfair on my own mum doing this but right now I can't see it any other way and I am just hoping that next year will be different.

Once the house is sold please go to the police. You will have the next battle of shared care.

You really do need to report her before she makes false allegations about you, actually baring that in mind go to the police now. You can discuss with them about not arresting/charging until you are safely out with DC.

Yes I would do this.

Is the tracker still on your car though?

When she realises her tactics to make you stay are not working, and your ARE leaving for good, she will up the ante. This might mean her going to the police and making certain allegations about you. Abuse or about your DC. Get there first.

You will absolutely kick yourself if you don't and she does end up crying to the police about god knows what.

Don't take the bait...

And I think once you are separated and she cannot see and get her instant gratification for baiting you, her interest in DC will drop enormously, because at that point it will simply be hard work for her with no 'kick' from winding you up.

As for mutual friends, smile and nod and move on, if they ARE genuine friends they will realise in time and apologise. If they are not, then you don't need 'em anyway.

I would still recommend you go to the police as PP say, she is going to up the ante as things become more real. Get in there first. You're not necessarily asking them to do anything now, you're wanting to have a record of what has happened/what IS happening... just in case you need it.

Document the Mother's Day thing. Send her an email confirming that you agree to her having DC for Mother's Day this year, and you will have her next year.

You could agree to alternate special days year on/year off as an ongoing rule.

Sorting out and documenting a plan means you're not having a battle over each event, which is obviously what she wants to do.

I'd keep all communications via text/email... that way eeeeeverything is written down. If she tries to tell you something, say 'can you text me that so I can keep track of things, thankyou' or just reply to her via text/email confirming 'as per... this is happening.. cheers'.