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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please - coercive control?

794 replies

rosesarentred3 · 06/07/2023 14:54

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Keepingthingsinteresting · 12/10/2023 21:58

Well done @rosesarentred3 , you’re doing so well. Keep going for you and DC.

SunRainStorm · 12/10/2023 23:41

Well done, you'll feel so much lighter soon

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 13/10/2023 19:30

Well done on taking that huge step! I have been following your thread and you really have had such a challenging time. Look after yourself and keep looking forward to that lovely abuse free future you have before you x

MaltesersMate · 13/10/2023 19:51

Read all the way through your thread and it made my blood run cold, so chilling.

This is the worst case of abuse I’ve read on Mumsnet all my years here… much worse than any domestic violence.

This woman has such deep malice in her heart for you. Please get away, I am so worried for you. Life really isn’t like this!

What has happened to you is very disturbing.

The good news is, things will be so much better once you get out of this situation. Hugs and flowers for you. You deserve a good life!

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 20:27

@ErrolTheDragon
No real basis. She just feels entitled. She wants 60% of my savings but doesn't want to give up any of hers.

She is saying she will delay the sale of the house unless I agree to give her 60% of the equity.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 20:30

Thank you so much for your comments. I feel better that I have applied for the divorce. I just can't wait to actually move out into a place of my own.

She is still trying various manipulation tactics. Crying one minute saying she is worried she will struggle financially (probably assuming I'll give her more money which is what she mentions A LOT)

And then the next minute she's telling me that no one loves me or cares for me. That my family have never cared for me. That no one gives a shit about me. That i'm thick and I don't know anything. That I'm a 'cold, cruel and selfish person'. That I'm not the person she married etc.
she will go on and on.

OP posts:
Mamma2017 · 13/10/2023 20:31

rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 20:27

@ErrolTheDragon
No real basis. She just feels entitled. She wants 60% of my savings but doesn't want to give up any of hers.

She is saying she will delay the sale of the house unless I agree to give her 60% of the equity.

No no no nooooooo. Please tell her to get fucked. On behalf of yourself, your baby & all of us!!

curtaintwitcher78 · 13/10/2023 20:33

I remember you worrying she would try to challenge you for custody of your child. I take it she has given up on that now it's obvious she can't be bothered with childcare responsibilities?

MaltesersMate · 13/10/2023 21:17

rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 20:30

Thank you so much for your comments. I feel better that I have applied for the divorce. I just can't wait to actually move out into a place of my own.

She is still trying various manipulation tactics. Crying one minute saying she is worried she will struggle financially (probably assuming I'll give her more money which is what she mentions A LOT)

And then the next minute she's telling me that no one loves me or cares for me. That my family have never cared for me. That no one gives a shit about me. That i'm thick and I don't know anything. That I'm a 'cold, cruel and selfish person'. That I'm not the person she married etc.
she will go on and on.

Tell her to shut up! For goodness sake!

I honestly don’t know how you keep your temper. Who the heck does she think she is!

You are within your rights to to put her in her place.

If she hits you, well, that’s when you call the police, have her arrested, and get a restraining order and an order for possession of the house until its sale because of her violence, it would be a slam dunk. It would solve your problems in one fell swoop.

I’m of course not telling you to goad her to violence, simply that you stand up for yourself to limit her all night mental tortures. She is responsible for her own behaviours, and abuse has consequences.

I would have a recording app running in the background during these all night barrages… she needs arresting or sectioning. She absolutely would be sectioned if there were evidence of her threatening suicide.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/10/2023 21:20

Tell her to get fucked. She's not getting a penny more than the courts determine fair.

Please, please get out though as soon as you can - I think you'd still have to pay the mortgage but you would not have to pay bills on a property you do not live in. I'd find a rental, inform her that she's responsible for bills as of X date, and fuck off out of it to your Mums with the kiddo until you can move into the rental.

Then she's had notice of when she'll have to pay the bills from, which is frankly, more than she actually deserves.

And you and the kiddo are safe from her and her unhinged behaviour.

RandomMess · 13/10/2023 21:38

🙄

She is so predictable!!

Just grey rock "guess we'll have to go to court then"

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 21:45

@curtaintwitcher78
Yes that doesn't seem to be an issue. She will say she will have DC a certain day over the weekend and then changes her mind.
If I take DC out, she'll say things like "she needs to be back by 5 because I want to spend time with her". But then won't want to spend time with her for 3 days in a row.

I don't think she'll be fighting to see DC more. That was a worry for me but isn't now.
But I KNOW she will use DC to control me. Without a doubt.
There are some ways she does it now. And I'm certain I'll discover more along the way. She'll do it for as long as she's in DC's life.

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher78 · 13/10/2023 21:51

I'm so glad she's shown her true colours on that front. As long as you keep a record of everything it will be fine. Now you've stood up to her she will get weaker and weaker and I suspect she'll lose interest in the baby completely, eventually. She never cared about either of you. You're doing so well. You and your baby are going to be ok.

Everthenever · 14/10/2023 07:46

rosesarentred3 · 13/10/2023 21:45

@curtaintwitcher78
Yes that doesn't seem to be an issue. She will say she will have DC a certain day over the weekend and then changes her mind.
If I take DC out, she'll say things like "she needs to be back by 5 because I want to spend time with her". But then won't want to spend time with her for 3 days in a row.

I don't think she'll be fighting to see DC more. That was a worry for me but isn't now.
But I KNOW she will use DC to control me. Without a doubt.
There are some ways she does it now. And I'm certain I'll discover more along the way. She'll do it for as long as she's in DC's life.

I don't think she'll be in DCs life for long tbh. She doesn't seem to have the capacity to love and she is too selfish to put the needs of someone else above her own. I agree that she will get bored, especially if she meets someone else.

Agree with the advice to go totally greyrock. She is trying to frighten more and more. Just keep parroting out the same line 'have your solicitor speak to mine'.

RandomMess · 14/10/2023 08:12

Hopefully you are keeping a detailed log of her time with DD so if you end up in court you can evidence you have been primary carer and she doesn't "need" a larger share of £ to compensate for that.

Keep all your thoughts and solicitor advice to yourself. She is used to bullying and manipulating you to get what she wants.

Flowers
Newestname002 · 14/10/2023 09:02

@rosesarentred3

She is saying she will delay the sale of the house unless I agree to give her 60% of the equity.

Do please talk to your solicitor about this. Hopefully she'll backtrack on this threat but there's the possibility you might need to get court to force the house sale through. 🌹

Everthenever · 14/10/2023 09:33

Isn't this extortion?

Scatterbrainbox · 14/10/2023 09:36

OP if you have savings I would honestly consider renting a flat and just go. I would have your mum waiting at the new flat to look after baby whilst you tell her the relationship is over and send an email (then you have evidence) saying that you want this to be as distress free for DC as possible, and proposing a 50 50 contact arrangement.
Once you have your own front door that you can shut you will feel so much stronger.
I know it might then be a couple of years for the divorce to finalise, house to sell and you get your if share etc but your mental health is worth more. And it will come, that's the thing with these controlling types, court is a right wake up call that their unreasonable demands will be brushed away. (I wish I had a camera for that moment with my ex husband who was also very controlling and coercive).
Speak to a solicitor asap.

redastherose · 14/10/2023 10:47

If you aren't already doing so I would record every conversation you have with her. It will be wearing but she sounds unhinged and a master manipulator so every bit of evidence that she does act like that behind closed doors will help you. Also do go to the police and make a full report, use this thread as an aide memoir and your previous one about being forced to allow her to take your mat leave and go straight back to work. Also not being allowed to breastfeed directly is a huge red flag of her controlling behaviour.

RandomMess · 14/10/2023 12:24

@Scatterbrainbox the op has already told her. Not to mention leaving the marital home could seriously work against her in the divorce and getting the property sold.

Scatterbrainbox · 14/10/2023 12:41

RandomMess · 14/10/2023 12:24

@Scatterbrainbox the op has already told her. Not to mention leaving the marital home could seriously work against her in the divorce and getting the property sold.

It shouldn't. If they both work and have 50 50 custody of the child it would have to be sold. It would be slower than staying put but I personally feel looking after your mental well-being is more important than getting money out of the property as quick as poss. I found the delay worth it to feel 'safe'. And she will get.the month down the line, the court will force the sale of the house.

RandomMess · 14/10/2023 14:34

How it "should" work and the reality when the abuser is left in the marital home are 2 different things. Especially when op has the means to buy her out.

Also the reality is this isn't and won't be 50:50 shared care.

Original poster
rosesarentred3 · 17/10/2023 11:13

Living here is driving me mad. We have had no interest from anyone in terms of buying the house.

I only applied for the divorce last week. We are in separate bedrooms, but she has decided now that she wants to swap bedrooms which has really wound me up. She basically just said she will be staying in my room from now on and for me to go in the other room.

I am still contributing the majority of payments to the mortgage and bills. I wanted to broach this with her and ask her to pay more, but I doubt that she will.

Is there any way of going about this? I really want to find ways of being able to live here until the house sells.

She is using our daughter to get at me. Such as cutting her hair when I asked her not to and having her staying with family members, even when I have said I'm not comfortable with this. She has told family she can stay with them whenever they want to have her. I have spoken with them about this and they understand the situation.

It's so hard. Feel like she's trying to push me to breaking point.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2023 11:29

She basically just said she will be staying in my room from now on and for me to go in the other room.

Tell her no and put a lock on the door. Don't allow her to steamroll you.

If there are safeguarding issues with her family members, you need to get ss involved

OhNoForever · 17/10/2023 12:45

Do you have a solicitor? I think maybe you need one of these?

She is absolutely trying to break you, you are right. But you are strong, and your love for you baby will be a further source of strength ❤️ you can do this.

www.brethertons.co.uk/site/blog/what-is-an-occupation-order#:~:text=An%20Occupation%20Order%20is%20an,parties%20are%20unable%20to%20agree.