Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

I'm quoting this one OP which was your first description of what your "therapist" told you. And it's clear this is not the role of a therapist.
A therapist should be helping you work through your own thoughts and feelings. A therapist is not an advisor, not a solicitor, not a specialist support worker who can help you navigate the upcoming legal separation. If your therapist is actually spending your sessions attempting to tell you what to do, they are not a "therapist", and certainly not a good one. Unfortunately this is the issue without a formal registration process requires, anyone can call themselves a therapist.

Please call women's aid, or the national domestic abuse helpline, and get some proper advice. And bin off this "therapist". Actually I'd go so far to say right now - forget therapy, at least for the next week. Focus on solicitor, domestic abuse support, getting a path forward for separating domestically from your abusive wife either with or without agency/police involvement. You need to be really brave and start taking conclusive actions now, living with her in this awful purgatory of hoping one of you can move out without her escalating into dangerous behaviour (already happening) is frankly a tragedy waiting to happen.

Please call the police and get her out of there.

Ditto the above, put therapy on the back burner for the minute I think it is clouding the issue.

Your ex is a risk to you and your DC.

In NO way would leaving and taking your DC to go elsewhere, be considered neglect.

I really don't like to upset you, but it is more likely that NOT leaving (or leaving and returning and getting back together) an abuser would be considered a problem - and even then, police and SS do understand that a victim of abuse is often under a lot of pressure from their abuser.

Sorry- how will you leaving a violent, coercive and abusive household/partner to stay at your mums be seen as you neglecting the baby? Your therapist is extremely dangerous and sounds like an abuser herself actually who is projecting her own stuff. This scenario is extremely clear- dump the misinformed and dangerous therapist, dump the dangerous wife, call the police- get you and your baby to safety at your mum’s immediately. As said on here before it was only a matter of time she became violent again and trust me it is coming again and again and again. Someone is going to get badly hurt and it won’t be her.

That’s meant to say you and the baby leave DO NOT leave the baby with her

Call the police. Emphasize your fear, her violence and that fact you think your child may be in harms way. Then get out of that house. You MUST MUST MUST log every fear and concern, tell as many people as possible. Please do not take advice from this therapist, it almost sounds like they are actively trying to put you in harms way.

As others have pointed out, it's atypical for a therapist to be so directive. Their role is helping you sort through your own emotions, not telling you what to do, let alone giving incorrect advice on your legal situation.

Are you sure that's what she / he said / meant OP? If they did, then time for a new therapist.

Im also concerned by you not calling the police in real time, instead waiting for the next day- why do that?

The stuff about the house isn't up to your ex. What does the lawyer say?

Kindly, and without any judgment at all OP- if you're honest with yourself are you still looking for reasons stay? Are you holding out hope still? It reads a little like you're making excuses to stay where you are and delay any decision.

Statistically it takes many attempts before people are ready to leave once and for all. Are you not there yet?

If not, then therapy is probably the best thing for you in the meantime. You need to build up your confidence so you can make decisions when you're ready, and receive non- judgmental support in the meantime.

OP you really need to leave.

Any violence you need to report immediately to the police. It doesn't matter if she's gone to bed. Calling in the morning to report it, albeit good, throws a doubt on HOW BAD it must've been last night. Don't hesitate just call. It doesn't matter if DC was in bed/asleep or in next room - if there is violence/aggression and abuse in the home, any children are automatically exposed to this to. This is why you must leave. Staying is only damaging you, DC and your case.

Leaving will NOT look like neglect. As long as you CONTINUE TO MEET ALL OF HER NEEDS and can prove this. This is why logging things with the police is so so important, to provide evidence that home is NOT a safe place and back up why you have escaped.

Please link back in with Women's Aid and the National Domestic Abuse helpline for experienced and accurate advice x

Speaking from personal experience therapy only works once you are actually removed from the environment that is causing the need for said help. At least that was the case for me.

what you need help with right now is formulating a plan to remove yourself and the baby and consult a solicitor. You absolutely need to report all of this to the police and as a pp said at the time of the event is far more compelling. if you’d dialled 999 when she was kicking off and smashing things up for example.
the so called therapist is talking absolute gobshite too. Staying in this situation is ramping up your child’s exposure to violence and abusive behaviour. She is legally classed as a victim of DA now.

You need to leave before you compromise the safety and well-being of your precious child. That’s absolutely not blaming you for any of this. It is not your fault. But you have a choice and you can get out. You actually don’t have a choice this is the only way forward. Your ex is not going to be reasonable. She wants what she has which is control. She will never leave. She will never respect your boundaries or care for you and your child. You will never have peace or freedom until you truly accept this and act on it.

@SunRainStorm

No I am absolutely not looking for reasons to stay. I just wish she would leave. I have asked her to and she said no.
I'm speaking with a solicitor today and hopefully will get some advice. I will also call women's aid again as things have moved on a bit since I last spoke with them.

She is showing all of her colours and has even said a few times recently 'this is me. You've always known this is me. This is the real me'

It's really weird and creepy.

I am looking for a house to rent. I've seen one we can move into. But I need to know where I stand legally. Right now I pay the full mortgage and bills. And I can't continue to do that and rent somewhere.

@rosesarentred3 good luck with the solicitor

Her kicking off gives you a reason to call the police and ask her to be removed.

Please phone Rights of Women TODAY and start the process of applying for an Occupation Order so she has to move out. Her behaviour means this is a valid thing to pursue.

Why do you pay All the bills?

Your therapist is talking complete nonsense, please do not go back and see them.

Logging/reporting it with the police will not get you into trouble. I know this as a fact because I've done just that myself, I've already explained my story. By telling the police, you are in fact, doing the opposite and protecting your child.

If your partner has gaslit you into thinking you're the problem and you'll come off worse if you do any of this and I bet she has, take no notice. If I had continued to listen to the gaslighting I was getting, I'd still be in that awful now.

I know more than anyone how hard it is, I've been there but in the nicest way possible, you need to kick yourself up the arse like I did and get the police involved, they'll arrest her and more than likely give her bail. She won't be allowed anywhere near you and trust me, you will thank yourself

Hopefully the solicitor will have given you info on how to move forward, you'll probably need to keep paying the mortgage but i dont see how you would need to keep the bills in your name if you're not living there!

How did you get on with the solicitor and women's aid this week OP?
Hope you are still doing OK.

Fingers crossed you've made some progress OP.
Hope you're keeping ok x

@rosesarentred3 Please do NOT see this therapist again. They’re talking utter shit.

Also, it isn’t even the role of a therapist to be giving you practical or legal advice about this. A therapist is there to help you cope emotionally. She shouldn’t be telling you what might happen in a court case ffs! She isn’t a lawyer. She isn’t even a social worker. What she has told you is complete stinking bullshit.

Keep in touch with the police, record everything you can and please take your baby to your mother’s, as you’ve been repeatedly advised to do by everyone except (apparently) the world’s worst therapist. Your partner is a dangerous headcase and you need to get yourself and your baby OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Right now I pay the full mortgage and bills

Are the bills in your name? If so, you can close the accounts upon moving out and your ex partner can sort out new ones. No reason at all for you to pay for utilities etc on a house you don’t live in.

Mortgage is obviously a bit more complicated if it’s in both your names, but as your ex has a job she needs to pay half at least if she wants to stay in the house. She says she wont move out - OK, so she needs to buy you out, then. If she can’t afford to do that then she doesn’t have a choice; the house goes on the market. You need to stop wringing your hands over this and be cold, hard and practical. You need to take the emotion out of any financial and practical negotiations. Your ex can be as hysterical and pathetic as she likes and play every poor-me card in the book, but that doesn’t mean she can have what she wants. Quite clearly she is absolutely not entitled to remain in a house for which she doesn’t pay the mortgage or any bills and no amount of her tantrums will change that.

Hello, I wanted to come on and update you all .. thank you all so much for your comments, support and words of advice.

The house is now on the market and I applied for divorce today.

We are both still living in the house but I have been staying at my mums every now and then and taking DC with me.

I spoke with a solicitor who advised not to leave the house completely as I will lose a lot of my rights.

My ex keeps saying things like she will run up credit cards etc and I will be liable to pay because we are still married. But the solicitor said this isn't true and I won't be liable to pay any of her debts.

She is also demanding that I give her more than 50% of the equity and of my savings. So I think there might be quite a battle coming up ....

Good progress, well done!

She is also demanding that I give her more than 50% of the equity and of my savings. So I think there might be quite a battle coming up ....

Because...?? is there any real basis for her demand other than 'I want'?

Thank you for the update, I’ve been wondering how you were.
Your ex can ask for what she likes, doesn’t mean that she will get it!
I suspect she will want to be difficult as she clearly has that sort of nature, but the law will not give her what she wants, only what she is entitled to and that is 50%.
So please on your progress, hopefully won’t be too long before you are free of her. Xx

Congratulations on your progress! So pleased for you. Moving forwards! well done to you & don’t listen to a word she says. Her power & control over you is getting smaller & smaller and you are getting your life back 👏

Amazing news! Well done you! 🎉

Really good progress OP, great to read and thank you for updating us!

Are you having any support from Women's Aid or similar? I imagine it must be enormously challenging continuing to live with her. Does she know you've filed?

Well done @rosesarentred3
so pleased you’re ok and forging ahead with things!