Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

I'm so sorry for my delay in responding on here. I have only just seen these messages from you all. Thank you all for contacting me and checking that I am okay.

I am okay. I have spoken with another solicitor to get some more information and I have also spoken with a new therapist who specialises in coercive control & abusive relationships.

The therapist was giving me lots of practical advice and information. However, some of it was quite contradictory. She said for me to not lock anything with the police because it could backfire on me. She said if my ex decided to get a solicitor involved it could make it seem like I am the unsafe parent or I'm neglecting my child.

They might say 'you are saying your ex was abusive but you let you child live in the home with them, and you went back to work early after having the baby, leaving your baby with an abuser'.

But then today she said for me to play the police a recording I have of her abuse from the other night.

The therapist also said if I leave the family home with my DC it could look like I haven't put DC's needs first and it will be required she goes back to the time with my ex.

It's all so confusing.

There is a possibility I can buy her out of this house. I have found out this week it's very likely so I am wanting to broach that subject too.

You must log the abuse with the police. The advice they gave you was wrong.

Yes that sounds wildly wrong - if it happened, it happened, log it with the police.

Not logging it doesn't mean something never happened, but the fact you're updating the police and recording WHAT happens goes in your favour, you are trying to get out, trying to do your best etc etc.

Please stay safe OP. If it means leaving the house, with your child, to stay elsewhere, please do so.

The therapist was giving you incorrect advice. Go to the police and take the baby to your mums. I had to leave my home with my baby and I did get my share of the house back.

This new therapist is giving you terrible advice. Please ignore them when they say 'don't log it with the police', in fact please do the opposite.

You MUST log it with the police, it will go in your favour, it's what I done and it worked out perfectly. Like the police said to me 'they wouldn't have arrested my DP if they didn't think it was serious enough'. That says it all really.

I'm now 3 weeks in to being on my own and I've never been happier. I'm so much more relaxed, even my DS seems happier, haven't had a single meltdown in the last 3 weeks.

I saw a quote the other day and I thought of you when I read it.

Don't wake up in the same terrible place ten years from now, just because you're terrified of what needs to be done today

I’m astounded to hear this. First of all as a therapist they shouldn’t be giving you “advice” that’s not how counselling is supposed to work and though they work with people and their emotion who are experiencing this kind of abuse they are NOT a professional in the field of giving practical advice. Not their role at all! (I am a qualified counsellor myself). Secondly I’m shock at how poor, unfounded and actually dangerous this advice is. You weren’t aware you were being abused at the point of mat leave for one -and the police would never take the view that you were the one at fault putting the baby at harm. She is the one at fault and could realistically face criminal charges. But only, OP, if you report it. Ditch the incompetent therapist, find a proper one that does not try to give you their unfounded opinions. That practical advice needs to come from social workers, women’s charities and the police. And keep going you’re doing great. Really brilliant 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@TwistedCherry
I'm so glad to hear you're doing ok. I have been thinking about you, so I'm really glad to hear you and your DC are happier.

Thank you for your comments. I am feeling a little hesitant about seeing this therapist again because I didn't agree with some of the things that she was suggesting.

My ex doesn't look like she is making any moves to leave the house or seek legal advice or anything like that so I have been doing this. I have spoken with a couple of solicitors. And I may possibly buy her out of the house so I can stay living there with DC.

If she does not want this then I will put the house on the market this week to get things moving as quickly as possible. I feel cautious to broach this with her. I don't know how she will react once she knows that I have been making calls to find information and I am taking these next steps, including filing for divorce, which I am also doing this week.

I am also looking at renting somewhere for DC and I. I am worried about what will happen with this. However, my ex has still not been doing anything to look after DC.

She looked after her for three hours one day last week, but other than that she has not been doing anything.

Therefore, I have been doing it all.

A few nights ago she got really angry with me all of a sudden because I was going to a family event that she had not been invited to.

She was shouting and swearing and throwing things. DC was with a family member that day.

Regarding the advice from the therapist - its wrong. I know you are worried about looking like a bad parent but reporting things to the police is a must, I am a children's social worker and in cases of custody we often have to write reports. You going back to work and her having the maternity leave would not be an issue once the coercion was known about, and we would be more worried if you weren't reporting things.
For your own and your baby's sake go elsewhere and deal with it from a distance, staying there would not look good as its a continued risk, and apart from the points made above, its not fair for you or baby to live in that atmosphere.

I am glad you're okay OP.

I am SO GLAD you continue to seek advice from solicitors and are planning to buy her out of the house/rent somewhere and file for divorce!! This is great news. I really feared you'd doubted yourself/been manipulated back into staying..

I am still worried however that you remain in this house with her. I know it's hard but I fear that when the time comes for you to discuss finances/house/child arrangements she will either explode and do something drastic (int the worst case) or at the very least, up the verbal and emotional abuse you, which will a) hurt you and may damage your confidence to leave/self-doubt and b) expose DC to that further.

Is mum home now?

Thinking of you, hope you are as ok as you can be.

Can anyone tell me if they have ever been in a situation like this, reported it to the police, and then got in trouble themselves?

As I have said previously - my therapist advised me not to report it because it could look like I've neglected my baby.

My ex has kicked off again tonight going mad, and smashing things. The baby is in bed.

She mad because she wants all my money basically and is angry that I'm not just handing this over. I've said we are to go through solicitors.

I am worried of logging everything with the police. I've already spoken to them but they have asked for more information and a more thorough statement. They've left me a voicemail asking me to call them.

Please ring them now on 999 she is being violent and needs removing.

No one gets in trouble for not leaving sooner!!

I’m so sorry to hear this OP but if she is being violent you need to ring 999 for the Police. Right now.

You need to protect your daughter and yourself.

Please call the police. The only reason you ever think you would be the one in trouble is that she has gaslit you into believing that you are in the wrong. Do this for your little one if you can't do it for yourself. Hugs.

And I have never heard of someone logging things with the Police and it being used against them.

No! Never.

Please speak to the police and make a full statement!

She's gone to bed. But I will be calling them tomorrow and logging it. I'm just so worried that my DC will be removed from me.
My new therapist said if I take the baby from this house and go to stay with my mum, that it will look like neglect and that I'm not putting the needs of my baby first.
I've asked my ex to leave the house and she laughed and said 'no chance am I leaving this house'.

I just can't see that the therapist is right there. It feels like you and DC would be safer elsewhere. I think you need to ask the police's advice or better yet, legal advice on that particular matter.

Next time she kicks off you need to call 999.

When she is removed you can refuse to have her back and get an occupation order.

I suggest you start taking advice from people who understand domestic abuse only such as women's aid.

SS are not interested in removing children apart from in the most dire of situations. The therapist sounds completely out of touch.

I think if you do leave the property your ex will change locks and make it impossible for you to move back in and when she has contact with DD fail to return her.

You need to wise up.

Therapist here. Our job is to support our clients with whatever they bring. I can’t imagine giving advice in relation to children’s social care matters. I’ve never known children to be removed from a parent trying to protect them from abuse.

Please try and contact Women’s Aid and see a solicitor to try and find a way forward. The police are there to protect you and your baby. If your ex is smashing things up and going mad it’s concerning. Please call them if you are unsafe. You and your baby are worth more than putting up with this.

How can it possibly be considered neglect to remove your child from a dangerous and abusive situation? That is the very opposite of neglect. Taking her to your mother's house would be an excellent example of putting the child's needs first.

Please ignore the therapist's words. They shouldn't be giving advice in the first place. But to give you inaccurate advice is appalling.

Why would you wait until tomorrow to call the police? The police are open 24/7.

Call them now and you will have a contemporaneous record of her abusive behaviour, logged with the police. This has more evidentiary value than a report made after the fact.

It will not go against you at all, really not sure what your therapist is saying, have you checked their qualifications and registration as they should not be giving you advice that causes you anguish and could put you in danger as you are even more unsure of what to do.
I have experience of getting a non-molestation order against an ex, with a few month old baby. The police were called several times, every time they were beyond supportive, ensured safety at all times. I certainly would not hesitate to phone the police, you are the biological mother, clearly the relationship has been abusive and your ex is spiralling, phone and log all incidents.