Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

And I would also like to reiterate what others have said about your courage and ability to cope with all this. You should be very proud of yourself.

As a parent you don’t get to just “sign out” of being a parent & looking after your child cos you want a rest for days on end! Yes you have to look after yourself too but your child’s needs are a priority! Baby comes first! You can’t just sign out for days on end leaving it all to your partner!! She is not a parent to your child OP she’s showing you that. She doesn’t give a shit it’s literally ALL about her and what she needs, no one else factors in, certainly not you or your baby. I can’t believe the audacity - I can’t imagine anyone I know saying to their partner “ yeh you’re on your own now for a week, I can’t be doing with parenting & babies right now so you can do it all-see ya”
Thing is she’s awful to that baby anyway making them cry purposely etc so it’s better if she does stay away so you can move on.

@Mamma2017

It's bizarre to me too. She left the house for a few hours before which makes me wonder if she went to see a friend and they said this to her?

She keeps using the phrase 'I need to put my own oxygen mask on first'.

It's been really hard doing it all. Especially the night feeds and then getting up early in the mornings etc as I'm getting around 5 hours sleep per night. It's been hard.

I wonder what would happen if I just stopped completely and decided to do absolutely nothing for our DC? It doesn't make sense to me to make a decision to do absolutely nothing for your child? It doesn't even feel like an option? You have to do it.
She's only 1!

It's easier because she didn't give birth to her and being the highly abusive head case she is, who likes to terrorise you, she is in fact not emotionally connected to your child at all.

Like many male abusers, she has zero difficulty in using and weaponising the children.

Keep detailed times, notes and word for word conversations.

I agree. She doesn't love your child like you do, not like a parent should. She loves her like a possession or something to control or use against you.

Document everything!

In which case, what's stopping you moving to your mum's with DD for a bit, to get some space?

She clearly doesn't give shiny shit.

You are getting nothing at all from staying there - not even help caring for DC now.

Or maybe your mum could move in with you for a couple of days here and there?

My mum has gone on holiday for a couple of weeks. So she wouldn't be there to help. I could go and stay at my mum's but I don't know if it would make things harder being in a house where I don't have everything available.

I am going to ask the solicitor if I move out into rented accommodation, do I still need to pay the full mortgage and bills for this house because I think I will struggle to pay for both. So I want to check where I stand legally there. If I do not need to still pay all the mortgage and bills, I will be looking at renting somewhere as soon as possible

You are both legally & jointly liable for a joint mortgage. In the longer term you can argue that you don't have the benefit of living there so she should pay whilst you sort out divorce finances.

You need to hang fire and see what the police say.

You need to speak to Rights of Women about the abuse & see if the threshold for getting an occupational and/or non-mol order has been met. This could get her removed from the house.

I would also prioritise getting a "lives with" order for DD via emergency court order.

Your ex will be very very nasty, may stop paying the mortgage so it defaults and screws up your credit record.

She is also refusing to walk the dog. So I am doing that as well which I usually do in the evening. I always do this anyway.
But I am finding this difficult at the moment because I'm having put the baby to bed after her bath etc and then go out with the dog.

It's making me wonder if I should put the dog in boarding or something for a couple of weeks. The place we normally use is around £200 per week because it's with a woman at her house who looks after him. We only use her when we go on holidays really.

But I'm also aware this is what my partner was saying to me. That I would struggle looking after the baby and the dog.
And this is proving to be true because it's difficult right now.

Because I'm trying to take care of them both during the day which is difficult when I'm so tired.

@RandomMess

She doesn't actually pay the mortgage anyway, so it does fall to me. If I started reducing how much I pay, I do not think she would step up and pay the rest of it. I will ask the solicitor about what you said because I haven't heard of that before - the 'lives with' order.

And this is proving to be true because it's difficult right now.

But also, this is as hard as it gets. Your baby is still really small so things like needing to be held while you get ready won't last long. You're also learning very quickly how to adjust to doing it yourself. That learning part is hard, but once you've got the process down it'll be easier. You'll also get into a more sustainable rhythm by using childcare and the baby will start sleeping better etc.

Also - and this is huge - the fact that she's right there and able but unwilling to help makes it a whole lot harder. It drives me mad when I'm at home trying to multitask and DH isn't helpful. But somehow when he's away on a work trip I am more than capable of doing it all myself. It's a psychological phenomenon you'll just have to trust me on this :)

@MisschiefMaker

It is so true. I felt like I could manage that night when she went to stay away with a friend. It felt very different to when I know she's just upstairs lay there or she is sat there or whatever and she is refusing to help and point blank saying "no".

The other day, I asked her if she could dress the baby and her reply was "no, I won't. Now can you please leave this room because I don't want to be around you"

It does make it hard to know when she's here and is on willing to do a single thing to help with anything.

Try and get proof of what she's doing. It's another way of manipulating you.

I would message her to say something like "I know you asked me to act like you're not here and you clearly don't want me around, so we're going to stay at mums for a few weeks to give you space"

It will be so much easier not having her around refusing to help. You can do this.

Yes was going to check re. your last statement when you posted again - when you say you can't afford to rent somewhere and "pay the mortgage" I think most posters (myself included) understood that to mean "pay your half of the mortgage"

But literally you mean - you pay the entire mortgage?

This just gets more and more appalling.

What does she do with her money?

If anything, you are proving to yourself just how much you WILL cope without her abuse and toxicity in your life - you're doing it all already!

I would message her to say something like "I know you asked me to act like you're not here and you clearly don't want me around, so we're going to stay at mums for a few weeks to give you space"

It will be so much easier not having her around refusing to help. You can do this.

Completely agree with this. You've got the absolute gift of an empty house while your mum is away! That's perfect! Take DD and the dog and go today!

Just making sure that you are doing nothing for her? None of her washing, shopping for food for her, cooking, etc?

You need to talk to your solicitor and find out the best course of action.

Could you contact your morgage provider and take a break from paying? A payment holiday because you are having to leave the house because of domestic abuse.

Your best bet is pursuing things via the police complaint.

Can you get legal aid because you have made a complaint to police?

Obviously as @RandomMess has written, getting her out of the house via an occupation order would be the best thing.

Have you proof of your returning date from mat leave which she coercively insisted upon?

Every bit of proof counts.
Hold nothing back.
Play nothing down.

"But I'm also aware this is what my partner was saying to me. That I would struggle looking after the baby and the dog.
And this is proving to be true because it's difficult right now"

She's absolutely doing this deliberately OP. It's a massive form a abuse. She's trying to break you by getting you to think you cannot do it all alone and you will not cope.

Well guess what. You are proving her wrong every day. Even though it's hard and you're so tired. You are doing it. Keep going. Prove her wrong and she'll soon change tactics when she realises it's backfiring and she's just given you more evidence of you're amazing ability to be a single parent and do it all without her.

Definitely get some more advice from solicitor and women's aid re the house and next steps.

Well guess what. You are proving her wrong every day. Even though it's hard and you're so tired. You are doing it. Keep going. Prove her wrong and she'll soon change tactics when she realises it's backfiring and she's just given you more evidence of you're amazing ability to be a single parent and do it all without

This!! I was just thinking that your soon to be ex is an idiot! She might as well be wearing a t shirt that says 'yes I actually am very abusive'. She thinks you'll think "gosh, DP has taught me a great lesson here. I actually can't do this by myself. Best forget everything and go and apologise for being silly".

Single parents manage all the time. You find ways. I've 3 but one is 19 months and any time mynhusband goes away, I find investive ways to get things done. Baby in buggy in front of the TV or tablet (needs must!) while I get a super fast shower. Baby in high chair eating some raisins while I cook or clean the kitchen. Shower when baby is in bed or before they get up. Baby in cot with a few toys while I get dressed. Sometimes they cry but they won't come to any harm from being contained somewhere safe for a few minutes. Zone it out. There are a million ways to handle this and you can do it all.

Is your dps name on the mortgage?

I would definitely go to your mums house and treat it like a holiday. You will feel differently when it's just you and your baby. You will have a sense of being a little team in a home free from coercion and control. It's difficult now because you know she is making it difficult deliberately. It won't be the same in your own place. And as a pp said, it's all temporary. I was sick yesterday trying to take care of my toddler and my husband was away for the weekend with one of our other kids. My 8 year old was with me and he was able to help me loads-he ran his own bath, made his lunch, unstacked the dishwasher, made his own lunch, put clothes in the washing machine and swept the floor! They don't stay needy for long!

You are doing so well. Your core of iron comes through in these messages!

She's absolutely doing this deliberately OP. It's a massive form a abuse. She's trying to break you by getting you to think you cannot do it all alone and you will not cope.

@scoobysnaxx is right and she will no doubt change up her tactics to try something else to bring you back into line when it's clear this isn't working.

Her current approach of opting out of everything gives you a nice opportunity to take DD and leave.

This won't last forever and who knows what she will try next. So please take this and your mum's empty house as the gift they both are and get away, get some space for yourself and continue rolling the ball with police, DV support agencies, GP and solicitors.

What happened about the MARAC referral your therapist made?

I’ve lurked on your thread in increasing horror, @rosesarentred3

Can I just get this straight - when you say ‘she doesn’t actually pay the mortgage anyway’, do you mean she’s stopped paying her half because she’s trying to bludgeon you into falling back into line?

Or do you pay the entire mortgage and she pays nothing, and this is the way it’s always been?

Both are bad. But if it’s the latter, that’s just so far beyond crazy it’s somewhere round the dark side of the moon.

In answer to the questions people have asked about the mortgage - yes I pay the mortgage and an additional £700 per towards bills.

I am wondering if I should be worried though. What if this isn't a game and she is genuinely in a very bad place? And I'm not doing anything about it?
I am completely and utterly exhausted. I am doing EVERYTHING myself. She isn't even emptying or stacking dishwasher.

But what if she's genuinely unwell? I'm not sure what to do?

I go from feeling so angry that she is doing this to DC and I, to feeling worried like I'm not supporting her mental health if she is actually unwell.

She is punishing you and waiting for you to crack and fall into line.

I think the exhaustion is completely breaking me. I am truly tired.
I'm not sure what to do about that one really. My mum isn't back for 2 weeks. Who knows if my (ex) partner will decide to chip in at that point.

DC was awake several times last night and took a long while to get back to sleep. I'm so so tired with it all.