Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

OP, please do not fall for her tactics. She is not ill, she is a manipulative abuser. Staying in the same house is leaving yourself vulnerable to further harm.
Please, go and stay at your mum’s and put some distance between you.

@rosesarentred3 so it’s what I feared about the mortgage, then.

No, she’s not ill, she’s not in a bad place, she’s turning the screw until you crack.

Please don’t fall for it. I won’t try and add to the excellent advice and support you’ve had already but will just observe that this totally competent and able-bodied (as far as I know) woman is treating you as her slave and has basically been living off you. She is shameless. She can see that she’s now in danger of having you escape from her clutches so she’s trying every means possible to bring you back into line.

I know it must be terrible for you and I really sympathise but this is the point where you need to grit your teeth and keep going.

Do you have any other friends or relatives who could help in any way?

@RandomMess is 1000% right she is simply doing this so you will crack and fall into line.

DONT FALL FOR IT.

You are doing an unbelievably hard job. But you are doing it. You are exhausted but you are doing it.

She is responsible for herself only. I say this as a Psychotherapist remember! People are always and solely responsible for themselves. Even people will complex problems need boundaries. Strict boundaries. Even on a psych ward threats of suicide and blaming staff are common place among people with certain disorders and we ALWAYS have to reinforce that they are responsible for their OWN SAFETY. No one else.

Leave her too it. Or suggests she goes to the GP if she's struggling so much 🙄

Please consider leaving again OP. I do not want this to break you. She is simply biding her time and waiting for you to crack. She will change within a split second no doubt.

Do you have a key for your mums? Can you get one? Is there anywhere else you could go?

Yes lean on ANY other forms of support too.

This will also help your case (not like you need it).

It will demonstrate to services that you have support around you that you willingly access if needed and can manage just fine

Can you co-sleep with your DD?

The thing is, OP - do genuinely, really ill people do this?

She has either been out to see her friends for hours and hours at a time. She has stayed with a friend for one night and then went out for the whole day until 9.30pm.

And do genuinely, really ill people say things like this?
When I ask her if she can help, she says no . Sometimes she has said to me "well this is how hard it will be if we are not together".

The only thing driving her behaviour is the outcome she wants from you - which is to get back into line.

You really REALLY need to get out of the house before she concludes her current approach isn't working, and she decides to escalate and try something else.

She is a highly dangerous individual and, as you've acknowledged quite a few times on this thread, you've underestimated her and what she's capable of.

What are your reasons for not taking DD and going to your mum's? Can we talk them through with you and help you?

Why are you paying for everything? What does she pay?

She really is trying to break you, this is not normal behaviour, she is spiralling to try and regain control.
She may well be ill, but that is her doing and her responsibility. When she was ill before (cold, bug etc) did she lock herself away and refuse to do anything? being poorly isn’t an opt out of parenting card.
As a parent, life has to continue as normal or near to normal when you are ill (unless hospitalised or bedbound) How would she cope if you did the same?
whereabouts in the country are you?
Please, strongly consider going away for even a few days, you need a break from her, emotionally to regain some strength. Being in the same house is mentally exhausting you, yes, it’ll be hard at your mums on your own, but 100% better than where you are now as you haven’t got to be consuming yourself with her odd/erratic/selfish/mad behaviour.

She is manipulating you, she waiting for you to crack and then swoop in as the saviour !

It is not your responsibility to manage her mental health.

Making you feel responsible is part of her control over you.

She's an adult- she has to manage her own behaviour and her own mental health.

Focus on getting enough sleep yourself and on looking after the baby.

@Bitterballen

My reasons for not taking DC to my Mums is partly to do with the upheaval of it all and not having everything available or accessible to me that I have in this house.

Also, I do think that if I did that, it might activate her in some way.

So she might suddenly say she wants to see DC more, or she might make it hard for me to take her with me.
I'm not sure?

Okay we can work around this.

Make a list of essentials on your phone. Essentials! Not just baby ones. Important docs and medications.

Can you call a friend or neighbour or anyone to support you leaving?

If she's isolating herself in her room/out can you sling some stuff in a case and put it in the car?

Then when picking up DC from nursery, just don't return?

Tell her factually via email/text that you've left (even for a few days)?

You really need a breather before she breaks you anymore.

It's all a game and she's hiding her time.

If she threatens to kill herself and you think she has the means to do it - call the police, 999 it - it is NOT for you to decide if she is serious. Thats for her and them.

Anything else, ignore, she's an adult, she can look after herself, she simply doesn't want to/wants to manipulate you.

Any time you wobble, remind yourself that if this goes on much longer it will be your DC she is manipulating, controlling, co-ercing, in exactly the same way.

Back to the mortgage and bills. Is the house half hers, (apologies if I've missed this bit) is she responsible for the mortgage as well? Why are you paying it all when she lives there too?

What does she contribute to the household financially, and are you keeping records of this?

Not only a bully, but fleecing you to by the sound of it.

Christ OP, don’t listen to yourself believing you can’t do it without her or think this proves her right. She’s trying to undermine you but let me tell
you this, I have a baby and a dog AND a husband who does loads. I’m absolutely at the end of my tether with tiredness at the moment and I can barely get through the day, it sounds like you are doing amazing without her (or I should say in spite of her) to be honest.

Ah OP 💔
Do you see that you're still hoping that by altering your behaviour you can somehow appease her sufficiently, so that she will eventually "calm down" to the extent that she will allow you to leave nicely? Deep down you must know this is not going to happen.

The trouble is, you both have different objectives when it comes to her current behaviour -

You see her behaviour as an emotional reaction to you saying you want to leave, and if you can just keep juggling the balls long enough to keep going, eventually she might relent and maybe you can talk about an amicable ending and coparenting your DD.

She sees her behaviour as a tool to bring you back into line. She will carry on and escalate until you break and give up on leaving, and submit to her control, as you were previously.

There's no happy halfway house here where you muddle along for a bit and she de-escalates. You don't control this. You going to your mum's will no doubt provoke a reaction from her - but it's a reaction that will happen anyway, as long as you're not changing your mind. But it will be far more dangerous if you are still living with her when that happens.

You can't keep living in this miserable purgatory with her, of hoping she will accept you ending things. You need to keep progressing your escape knowing that she will be pissed off at every turn but also knowing that this will all happen anyway, none of her dreadful behaviour is your fault.

Please just bite the bullet and go to your mums. You will have so much more space there to think, and relax a tiny bit, without the dread of her being upstairs and wondering what she'll do next.

Can you take some holiday or maternity (that you didn't use) or parental leave?

Re the evening walk with the dog, change your routine. Bath baby, put them in the buggy and walk the dog. By the time you get back baby may well be asleep and can be moved into her bed.

If you have to, bring baby and dog into your room and spend the evening in there together, read a book and sleep when baby sleeps. Now is a time to survive together in the best way possible, when you are free of the abuse you can change the routine to a more long term solution that will allow you to thrive.

OP I have only recently come across your post and haven’t read your previous threads but you are doing incredibly well. You are clearly so strong.

As others have said, your DP’s behaviour is all about control. She has tried threats (I’ll kill myself; you’ll lose dc; you can’t do this without me) and you haven’t fallen into line so now she has taken to her bed because a. She wants to punish you and make it as hard as possible for you and b. she wants you to think she is suffering.

That is another version of ‘look what you made me do.’ She is not depressed or mentally ill. She is choosing this behaviour. She is an abusive, controlling narcissist and she has already shown that she is willing to punish your child for what she sees as your failure to stay under her control. What kind of parent does that? You said she won’t hold dc, comfort them etc. Seriously, what kind of parent would cause unhappiness or distress to their own child? And how will that evolve as dc gets older? Will she punish dc with withdrawal of love and kindness if dc also doesn’t stay under control?

Life is hard now. Of course it is. And you have shown great courage and resilience. Imagine how much easier it will be to look after dc and the dog without her there. Without walking on egg shells, without having to appease her and please her and do things the way she dictates.
I am sure there will be times where you haven’t wanted to do something her way, or at all but have done because otherwise she will make things worse and punish you or berate you in some way. Now imagine a life where the only person you have to please is yourself and dc (and the dog). Bad night with dc, totally knackered and don’t feel like tidying up? You only have to do what you want to!

Finally, please think of what a partner should be. The person in your life who makes you feel better about yourself and any problems. Who cherishes you for you and who you are. The person you can turn to when you need support. Where is her concern for you in all this? Has she asked how you are? Has she offered to help. No. She has done the opposite.

You need legal advice about getting your ex to move out.

In the meantime- stop feeling like it is your responsibility to manage her emotions, reactions and behaviour. She's an adult - that's her job.

You need to make a clean break. This is just more dysfunctional behaviour and she still has you in her web.

Take her at her word that she needs to focus on herself - say you're going to your mums with DC so she has the time and space she says she needs.

Get legal advice about the house.

You both need a clear break and some boundaries now.

Hi OP. I've only just seen this thread but I just wanted to say how incredibly strong I think you are. I've supported survivors of DV for a number of years and all of this is very typical of an abuser.

Keep a log of everything if you can. In regard to your friends, I think you'll be quite surprised just how many will have noticed her behaviour and her treatment of you.

There's a fantastic group on Facebook called "Insight - Exposing Narcissism". It might be worth having a look. You can post anonymously.

I'm not a fan of overly simplistic psychology theories, but it does sound very much like she is now taking on the victim role in the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer triangle:
https://www.drsarahdavies.com/post/narcissistic-abuse-the-drama-triangle

Narcissists will switch between all three roles and try and fit others into the triangle, too.
Right now it sounds like she's casting you as the persecutor, in the hopes that you'll take on the 'rescuer' role and make it all OK by restoring the status quo again. And because you are a caring and empathetic person you don't want to feel responsible for anyone else's suffering, and will be constantly questioning whether you're doing the right thing.

I agree with all the other PPs - you need distance from her asap. I'm not surprised you're exhausted with the emotional toll of this as well as the parenting and work. Please take care of yourself and DC.

And also, please remember that abuse aside, everyone has a right to end a relationship, full stop.

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/other-support-services/what-about-pets/
There are charities that will organise foster care for your dog should you need it, they specialise in women fleeing abuse. Good luck, stay strong and wishing you a future free from mindfuckery 💐

Thank you all for your comments. I am finding them really helpful. I am reading through and I want to reply to you individually and at some point I will try to get round to that.

Last night was a difficult one. A mutual friend came to the house, who knows that we have separated. when I was upstairs with DC, my partner (ex) came upstairs and was mocking me and making fun of my voice. She then told me I am a nasty, horrible person and that she doesn't need to tell me that because deep down I know that I am a nasty person.

She then went downstairs and started speaking to our mutual friend. I was so angry, I went downstairs, and I said to her "tell them what you've just told me". She said to me
"what? I didn't say anything. I only said that you had said something nasty to me"

I told her that wasn't true and repeated out loud, what she had just been saying to me upstairs. She then said to our friend "see! See what she is doing? She is trying to make out that I am the bad one!"

I do regret going downstairs and reacting like that because I probably looked like a nutter. But I was at the end of my tether and was so frustrated that she was playing these games, while our friend was downstairs.

I also said to her that she had left me to do everything over these last couple of weeks and hadn't lifted a finger to help in the house or with a DC.

Her reply was "welcome to my world. It's hard isn't it?"

Later on, she said to me that she wasn't doing it on purpose, and that I need to show her some compassion because she is really struggling and she is finding this very difficult.

I have booked the day off work today so that I can get some of my work done because I am falling behind with it. I have left the house and gone out somewhere so that I can focus without being in the same house as her. Since I left the house she has been calling me and texting me asking me where I am.

I eventually answered the phone and she was crying saying she was worried about me and she was panicking because she didn't know I was okay because I hadn't said where I was.
I told her where I was (I know I probably shouldn't but I did) and she said "why are you lying to me?"

I told her I'm not lying and got off the phone.

Thank you also for the links that you are attaching. I am going onto each of them and I am finding them to be very useful. Thank you so much

Does she own the house? Can you not change the locks when she goes out?

She is utterly terrifying.

Why won't you just leave her?