Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Are you worried that deep down, she really isn't that bad, and that maybe you actually are the problem, you're 'mental' and she was right all along? That you would be the bad guy if she gets arrested, when maybe she isn't that bad and doesn't really deserve to be arrested?

Because it seems that you are completely conditioned to feel fear, obligation and guilt which are classic traits of someone who has been manipulated within an inch of their life.

Remember: it's not your call to make whether she deserves to be arrested or not. The police, who are experienced and knowledgeable will know better than you whether she has broken the law.

It's classic coercive control. It's illegal. If they arrest her it's because she deserves it. Anyone who tries to control, manipulate and gaslight another human being deserves the full force of the law.

It's terrifying now but please feel the fear and do it anyway, because it's the right thing to happen, should the police wish to arrest her.

@Everthenever

Yes it is that. I'm worried I'm exaggerating and making it seem like it's all her when it's probably me too.

That maybe she isn't as bad as I've made out and if you heard her side you might feel differently about it all.

That what if I do this and really she hasn't been doing anything wrong but I've just been taking it that way?

OP I’ve just re the full thread. You are so strong to get where you are now.

I understand. It's also because she isn't a 1D character in a kid's comic. She is a real person with, I'm sure, enough (seemingly) good traits to make you start seeing her in the first place. You probably saw what you thought was a vulnerable side, or heard stories about her childhood. The kind, compassionate person that you are saw a vulnerable and damaged person in her and even though she is the perpetrator, maybe in some ways you also see her a the victim. I don't know. I'm sensing that you feel an immense loyalty towards her, in spite of everything.

However, when you think about all of the relationships in your life, make a note of how many of them make you feel uncomfortable, scared or worried? What is it about those people compared to the ones who make you feel happy, calm or relaxed? The ones who make you scared are the ones where the person does scary things, where you don't feel safe. Do you feel scared around other people, people who treat you normally? No, I bet you don't. Because you understand, on some level, that you are in more danger with some people than others. Have you ever felt compelled to call the police about anyone else in your life? Why not? Because nobody has done this to you, and made you feel that you need their help.

I've never once considered going to the police about my husband, because he doesn't scare me and he doesn't control me. If you have gone to the police because you feel scared and controlled, it's because a scary and controlling person has driven you to it.

I read your last and all of this one too, and your partner sounds devious, manipulative, jealous, resentful and twisted. I'm sure she has more positive qualities too, but they don't actually count. I recently read a great on mumsnet. It was about an absolute deadbeat of a boyfriend who the OP said was a really nice guy but sometimes did this one mean thing.

Someone said 'nice guys don't have a mean side, but mean guys have a nice side'. Kind people don't abuse their partners, but abusive people can be kind.

If you could have her arrested but never have to face her, see her or hear from her again, would you feel differently?

If it helps to regain your perspective, why not re-read this entire thread. Would that help? Maybe imagine it’s a friend writing the words you wrote- would you think she was overreacting?
I recognise the classic “what if Im overreacting “ feeling from my own experience of being in an abusive relationship & how almost brain-washed I was & conditioned and weakened by him- I had internalised his voice telling me I’m over-sensitive & over-reacting. Gaslighting at its finest!! Now I look back & think- oh. my. fucking. god. How did I even question myself? I was massively being abused. As are you OP to the actual extreme-I can’t put it to you any other way.

@Everthenever

You're absolutely right with what you said. You wouldn't usually consider this with somebody unless you didn't feel safe with them. I have never considered speaking to the police about anybody in my life before apart from my partner.

@Mamma2017

I think that is a good idea. I have at times read the logs that I have kept and the notes that I have made about the relationship. It might be worth reading this thread again.

Since I ended the relationship, she hasn't spent any time with our child. She has not been getting up for any night feeds or getting up in the morning.

She has not helped with the bedtime routine, or making tea, or sorting breakfast, she hasn't taken DC to nursery or picked her up.

She has either been out to see her friends for hours and hours at a time. She has stayed with a friend for one night and then went out for the whole day until 9.30pm.

She has also been staying in bed for 12 hours at a time during the day watching TV.
When I ask her if she can help, she says no . Sometimes she has said to me "well this is how hard it will be if we are not together".

Yesterday I asked if she could look after DC while I had a shower and she said no.
The night before I asked if she could put DC to bed while I walked the dog and she said no.

Classic punishing behaviour. The sooner you leave the sooner you & baby can move on & heal. Stay strong 💪🏼

@Mamma2017

I would still be paying the mortgage and bills etc so I've mentioned about her leaving. And she said she has been advised not to leave the house because it could go against her when it comes to getting custody of DC because it'll look like she isn't caring for her. She isn't anyway even though she's in the same house.

I have another solicitors appointment this week and an appointment with a mortgage advisor.

It wouldn’t. Couples with kids split all the time and one moves out doesn’t have any bearing on their rights to custody. Everything she says is a lie & manipulation don’t listen to a word. Glad to hear re appointments you’re making brilliant progress, keep us all updated!

Have you pointed out that she isn't caring for the baby at all currently?

Get confirmation from the nursery that she has not been dropping nor collecting.

Don't let her know that you are keeping note.

This will be further proof of her hands off approach with the baby.

Get a video bell.
That would record her being in and out.

Keep a note every day of her staying in bed all day and going out.

Dates, times, details, proof.

@Daftapath

Yes I did and she said "of course I am. I bought her some food the other day didn't I? That's how we think so differently. Because you're not seeing all I'm doing".

Although I can see it. And what I can see is, she's doing nothing at all for DC. she wouldn't even hold her while I got ready.

@billy1966

Yes I did think this. Because I've been going each day. As well as working. She's still off work.

Yup classic punishing behaviour.

She's dumb as hell because all she is doing is providing more evidence that she a) doesn't give a shit about DC b) doesn't look after her and c) is manipulating you but trying to get you to see life will be harder apart. She literally said that. She's deliberately doing nothing to break you and make you think you can't do it alone.

As @billy1966 said, record EVERYTHING secretly. Dates, times. What she does and doesn't do. What she SAYS. Her behaviour is contradictory. Off work and in bed 12 hours a day woe is me. But can get herself ready and go see her friends all day. Yet can't old her own child while you shower?

She's so stupid! She's literally proving your entire point that she is a manipulative abuser.

And all of her behaviour is NOT in the best interests of the child so she desperately can't live without.

Def re read the thread OP. Keep going. Keep focused xx

All YOU are doing OP is proving everyday that YOU CAN COPE ALONE with DC.

You can give her everything she needs, take her here and there, drop her to nursery and collect her, cook and work full time.

Go you. This is undeniable evidence of your resilience.

You're amazing op.
Keep asking her just so she can say no and record it in secret. She doesn't care about your child if she would let her needs go unmet to punish you.

Play the long game OP.
She's not as clever as she thinks.
I'm trying ro imagine if my husband would ever refuse to 'help' me with our child and he just wouldn't. What sort of person uses a child like a weapon?

By the way, don't let any threats she makes to you about custody get under your skin. She is clutching at straws because she is desperate to own you and your child.

Have you thought about getting the house valued by a few estate agents? You will need to do this at some point in order to start discussing finances

Thank you all for your reassuring and motivating comments.

She told me tonight that she needs to take care of herself, therefore she doesn't want me to make any requests of her for the next few days, including anything for DC. She said she wants me to pretend like she isn't here.

I asked her to confirm "do you not want me to ask for help with DC in any way at all? You won't help with anything?"

And she said no because she needs to care for herself first, and that is her being a 'good mum'.

She said she knows I must be exhausted and she isn't doing this on purpose but she needs rest.

This is horrific, truly horrific OP.

Can you record her saying nasty things - there are phone voice record apps that are sound activated. I would use that to record the things she says to show there is a dramatic discrepancy between what she allows to be recorded via messages/texts and what she ACTUALLY says and does.

I hope you can get her out of your home soon, I really do.

Oh and if you're in ANY doubt - she does not care for your child. She covets her like a possession, the attention having a child gives her, the control the child gives her... but she does not care for her at all, she only cares about herself.

She's actually crazy, OP

Op, you too are living in hell but you are so used to it you can’t see it.

I just read through your thread I want to say that you are doing so so well. When you finally get to the other side of this it will be worth it. When you have your little one, and your own home and space for yourself you will be so proud of getting through ❤️