Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

You are absolutely brainwashed by her if you feel 'disloyal' for reporting her.

Frankly, I hope it does come up in her DBS check because she's a fucking danger.

I'm hoping she'll be required to leave the house by op getting and occupation order and if she starts harassing her getting a non-molestation order.

Have you spoken to eights of women about getting these?

Everything you have written to us here, is your words.
They are not fabricated.
They are not exaggerated.
It is a perfect case of coercive abuse. That is undeniable.
A side effect of this abuse is the sheer DOUBT, GUILT and REGRET you are now feeling.
Others in your situations would very likely have gone through the same old emotions. And self critical thoughts - no one will believe me... they'd be so hurt... maybe I've exaggerated.
OP you've had years of being told YOU are the problem and YOU are crazy/can't cope/a liar and whatever else.

YOU KNOW THIS.

Remember all emotions are only TEMPORARY. They are biased. They are rarely reflective of the truth and reality.

You may not trust yourself OP.

But trust us. What you have written here is undeniable. We don't have to know you or her to see this. We are not jumping to conclusions. You have written what you have for a reason. Because it's true. It did happen. You wrote it here for a reason. The title is COERCIVE CONTROL. Everything you have written is text book.

Please know you did the right thing.
Always.
For you and DC.

One day you will see this so very very clearly and thank yourself and be so proud of yourself that you took action instead of letting the fear control you and stay in this situation.

And so will your baby.

If you can, try not to let her see that you feel guilty. She will try to use that against you.

Remember: you have not lied to the police. If they decide to follow it up then that's because she has been abusive. It was HER actions that caused this, not yours.

'She will probably think I'm insane for even suggesting that she has been coercively controlling me.'

I'm yet to hear of an abuser that agrees they are abusive. Don't let that be your barometer, OP. She'll never acknowledge what she did, it's not in her interests to do that. She's too selfish to give you that kind of affirmation or closure.

@rorosesarentred3 although I haven't commented on your post for a very long time, I have been checking in very regularly to keep updated.

I just want to say that you have done the most amazing thing by reporting her to the police, I totally understand how you feel when you say you feel guilty and disloyal.

I don't want to make your thread about me at all but I want to tell you what's gone in with me, in the hopes that it keeps you strong and pushes you in the right direction.

I reported my DP to the police last week and they came to see me at my workplace as it's the safest place for me and asked me some questions, I felt awful but glad I'd told someone of authority that agreed it was controlling and coercive behaviour.

Me and DP had a massive argument on Saturday morning, which I voice recorded the majority of it. She had to take me to work this morning as the buses weren't running early enough and she was horrible in the car, my DS was in the car the entire time. I got to work and felt like I was having a panic attack. My colleagues came to calm me down (they know everything) and they rang the police on the non emergency number, a police woman came to see me and I made a statement and the police arrested her.

She's currently in custody and is waiting to be interviewed. I'm back home with my son. She will likely be realised with bail conditions and the police will let me know everything I need to. Although I'm scared and feel guilty, I also feel so relieved.
The police woman said to me that I'm very brave and if they didn't think the situation or her abuse was severed enough they wouldn't have arrested her.

I really hope, in me telling you this, it keeps you going. You've done the right thing and you will feel so much better once the worst is over.

Well done to you too!

How are you doing, OP?

@TwistedCherry yes well done you!! Keep going and don't look back x

Update us OP? Are you ok?

@TwistedCherry
God that is so brave. I'm terrified that she'll be arrested. I just wanted to log it and for them to not take action. They're calling me for more information tomorrow.

Do you mind me asking how your partner is controlling? So I know if it is similar etc?
I'm so worried the police will contact her or arrest her.

@Mamma2017 @Sosocold

Thank you. I'm ok.

She's been in bed for days. Says she isn't eating. Hasn't been helping with DC. says she's too poorly to help.
She's off work with stress still.

@TwistedCherry

Did you want them to arrest her? If you told they no, would they not? I'm so worried of that happening.

@rosesarentred3 so when I first contacted the police I did so through a non emergency email. Explained what had gone on in the relationship.

They saw me in person (last Thursday) at my work place as it was the safest place to see me. I told the officer everything and he said that it's definitely controlling and coercive behaviour and I need to justify my reasons for them not taking action. My reasons were that I'm planning on leaving when she returns to work and by the police having contact with her she'd know something was going on, so at the time they weren't going to make contact with her, they were just logging everything down.

On Monday morning she had to take me to work and was horrible the entire journey. When I got into work I started having a panic attack, I was calmed down by the help from colleagues and an ACP (I work in A&E) my colleagues (who know everything) rang the police for me, an officer came into my work and I remained with her for the rest of my shift making a statement. She said whether or not I make a statement and regardless of what I want to happen, they will be arresting my partner. I was shocked and petrified, which the officer appreciated.

When my partner came to pick me up from work, another unit was there waiting and once I knew she was outside I told the officer and she radioed through to the other unit, they then arrested her away from the car as my DS was in there. I then went with the officer to my son.

DP was put into custody and interviewed. She has since been realised with bail conditions, she's not allowed to make any contact with me, she can't even be on the street in which I live. If she breaches her bail conditions, I am to immediately dial 999. She is to go back to be interviewed again on 3rd November.

So far, she hasn't breached her bail conditions and has left me alone to stay in our flat with our DS.

I have to admit that, although it's not what I originally planned or even wanted, it was the best thing that happened. I'm still at home, I haven't had to leave or uproot our DS, he can still go to school next week as normal. I'm so much more relaxed already, I do feel guilty and I've got lots to sort out legally but this has literally been the best thing to have happened.

So she was controlling in ways that I couldn't leave the home unless going to work and when I did, I'd have to tell her when I was on the bus, when I got into work and the same going home again, I wasn't allowed to stay at home on my own, I couldn't wear anything low cut, too clingy, too short, weren't allowed anymore tattoos or piercings, she'd constantly accuse me of cheating or wanting attention from men. She'd call me names all the time, threatened to kill me etc.

I can't stress enough that if the police want to arrest your DP, please let them. They won't arrest someone if they don't think it is absolutely necessary. My DP must know now how serious her abuse has been or else she wouldn't be in the situation that she's in.

I can guarantee if your DP got arrested, you'd feel guilty but that will soon change when you get a sense of life without her, my life has already improved without my DP around. I am actually free now and have freedom to do what I like, when I like and I haven't had that feeling for 10 years. It sounds so strange saying it to myself but I've done it, I am free. And I really hope you can do it too, you'll be pleased when you have, trust me

@TwistedCherry

I feel so happy for you feeling free finally. I'm terrified of something like that happening. I really am. I don't know what I'd do. I think I'd have a complete breakdown if they arrested her.

I have logged lots of the controlling behaviours.

• doesn't like me having contact with my family. Will make it awkward or be rude and disrespectful towards them. If I ask her not to do it, she'll say I'm taking their side and say things like 'see what they're doing. They're making us argue. We are falling out because of them".

• will say to me that she doesn't want some of my family members to see my DC and will say I'm going against her if I take her to see them.

• will say for me to message family or friends a message that she wants to say but it sounds really bad so she wants me to send it from my phone as if it's me.

• if friends don't get in touch, she will tell me I must have done something to upset them last time we saw them.

• telling me that my family don't like me, my friends don't like or respect me and she doesn't know why I'm friends with them.

• she's told me before that my family don't like me and think that I'm mental.

• will tell me she is the master and I am the bottom of the list and the walkover of the house.

• will ask me to send her money, sometimes large sums such as £1,000 but won't tell me what it's for and if I ask she will get really angry.

• will tell me resents me for various things such as when I had a miscarriage and I didn't think about her needs at the time.

• taking pictures of me when I'm getting dressed or undressed and when I realise and ask her what she's doing, she says she is joking and she will delete it.

So many things. I can't list them all.
I am really worried they would arrest her. I didn't think that would happen really until I read your post!

Why don't you want her to arrested?

This is one of the worst threads I’ve read on here.

It’s really touched a nerve- she seems so sinister.

It’s good you’ve logged it but please just leave - your partner seems unhinged.

Leave her to it.

She's not your partner anymore. If she wants to collapse and carry on with a dying swan act, let her. In all likelihood it's just another manipulation- don't take the bait.

I know you don't want her arrested but it might help clarify to yourself and others just how severe her behaviour has been, and undo some of the gaslighting work she's done.

She will never get it or agree. She thinks only of herself.

You sound so very terrified of this person in your life. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through but, I do ask, how many years do you think you and your child can bear this situation? It's very unlikely to get better - more likely to get worse until you are a shadow of yourself.

Please please get yourself out of the home with your child to family or friends and get their in real life support to call the police and be open with them. 🌹

@TwistedCherry

In addition to what I've just written, I also have to text when I get somewhere to say where I am etc. if I don't she will text to ask if I'm there. She will often say this is to 'protect' me as well as other things.

If I want to see friends around Christmas she will tell me I shouldn't in case there are any attacks etc.

Makes comments on my clothes, throws clothes away even when I've said I don't want her to etc.

Why are you so worried about her being arrested?

@rrosesarentred3

Honestly sweet, just get her arrested. You honestly will thank yourself for it. I know it seems scary, I had the exact same feelings so I totally understand but it was the best thing that could have happened in my situation.

I'm so much happier and relaxed already, I have freedom to do what I want now and it's great. I've literally just finished talking to my tattooist about designing my next tattoo, something that my now ex DP wouldn't have let me do.

Please, please just the police arrest her. You'll be amazed about how much better you'll feel once she is gone. That step is by far the hardest but honestly is the best step aswell

Stumbled across this thread and have read it in real horror. You poor woman, you are clearly in such distress. If there is no risk to you, can you try and record her saying some of the more appalling things? Wishing you all the luck for a peaceful life with your DD

@TwistedCherry thank you for sharing your story. I think/hope it's so so valuable to the OP. I'm so glad you made the decision you did and things are looking up for you x

OP, how are your plans to leave going? Stay strong and keep focused on the end goal. You can do this no matter how hard it feels.