Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

I'm really glad your therapist has referred you to MARAC.

OP you must understand, only the MOST SEVERE cases of abuse get referred to MARAC. It's a multi agency response to protect those who are in real danger. It's not any old domestic violence service. I have to make referrals to them and the threshold is very high. You must understand how serious this is.

I am glad you were open and honest with your therapist.

I have no other advice for you but to leave asap with support from a service/the police/your mum friends and to NOT engage in any conversations with her about money, property, custody etc.

Don't do anything privately. Only through solicitor etc.

Is it you that does all the night wakings? If she can’t sleep, why doesn’t she do any night wakings? I agree, she wants you sleep deprived and I wonder if her night stomping isn’t to purposely disturb your LO so that it impacts on you and she can manipulate this into an argument against you?

On a side note, please could someone PM me your past user names, I can’t recall them and wanted to read what behaviours she has exhibited before as I know that an abuser will use previous behaviours to try and gain control back (use what worked before) when they feel challenged/spiral . Thanks xx

OP, it's not the most pressing thing, but I would flag with your solicitor if you want to apply to change the baby's surname.

You might as well do it in the one application along with custody and property settlement, rather than make a separate application down the road.

She seems to be very stressed today. She's walking round the house, shouting and swearing and crying. I am working from home and I am in meetings all day but I can hear her shouting. I think I may need to rent an office or something like that, so I can work away from the house.

I am looking at speaking to other services today, but it is just finding the time when she isn't in the house.

From questions that some of you have asked on here, I do the waking nights. Usually I will get up with the baby and then the plan is that my partner will get up in the morning with the baby, however, when the morning comes she gets really annoyed that she is having to wake up and usually starts taking it out on me and then will often just get back in bed so I end up doing the morning as well.

She has told me that she wants me to go and stay at my mum's and leave the baby here which I absolutely will not do.

She is also saying she wants the baby to stay somewhere else so that she has a break. And then, in the next breath that she is telling me that I probably don't want to see the baby for the majority of the week because I want a break from her which is absolutely not true. I would have DC 100% of the time if I could.

She's left the house but I don't know where she's gone. My mum is panicking and messaging me saying that she might of gone to the nursery to pick up DC.
I can't imagine that this is what she has done. But do you think I need to contact the nursery to ask them to tell me if she ever comes to pick DC up earlier than normal or something like that?
Or does that look weird or suspicious?

Absolutely tell the nursery. She is currently sounding unstable. Your dc comes first.

Call the nursery ASAP.
And get out of there.
She is escalating.

I am worried she will run off with DC at some point soon. Claim sanctuary at the police station or something or spin them a tale.

All they will see if HER leaving YOU in fear.

Get out before she has a chance to spin this narrative. Because she will.

I wound definitely contact the nursery. They may not be able to stop her collecting your baby as she has parental responsibility but they can certainly stall her and call you. Ask them to keep a note of her behaviour.

This is why you need to start to communicate with her by email so that you have a paper trail of her behaviour and how irrational she is. Tell her that you will no longer discuss anything face to face but that she should put things in an email to you. Maybe also keep a diary of conversations you have.

I would also be looking at speaking to the police and solicitor about whether you would be able to get an occupation order on the house (so she has to move out) and also a non molestation order (so she has to stay away) ... another reason for requiring some written evidence.

Staying under the same roof as her is not going to improve. Her behaviour is erratic, bizarre, abusive and escalating. She is not getting the results she wants yet so is ramping up her attempts to control. Who knows how far she will go?

For now, I would choose your battles and not engage about the dog nor changing your baby's surname. The most pressing is to get her or you and the baby out of the house. Then look at divorce, financial settlement and custody. Well done for refusing to plan these without solicitors.

I have been where you are and understand not being able to see the wood for the trees. Lack of sleep, being on constant high alert are all awful!

@Daftapath

Yes, I feel like I am constantly on edge and I am filled with anxiety.

This isn't anything new because I always have anxiety and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells to some extent, but this is definitely happening more so for me.

Because she is being quite unpredictable.

She would never in a million years put anything incriminating in a text or email. She has never ever ever done this. No matter how furious she has been her text messages have always been completely civil. There is no evidence there.

However, I did manage to get a recording, not long ago where she was saying she is going to take her own life and wants me to look after the baby full-time. She has since changed this and said she wants the baby four days a week.

Can you try to record some of her behaviour, video or audio? Because otherwise it could be your word against hers x

Sorry xposted but good you got a recording

Are you sure she's not reading this btw

@babbscrabbs

I really hope not, but the thought did cross my mind. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night as my phone lit up. I had a notification on my phone saying that another device had accessed my Apple account and could read messages etc. Therefore, I changed all my passwords.

I would suggest trying to only communicate via email. Refuse to engage verbally at all. Email her in response to her demands.

Also, start keeping a diary of your conversations and the times.

Are you in separate bedrooms?

You need to inform the nursery as to what is going on including the MARAC referral due to her abuse of you and also DD.

I would put nothing past her

Please do the log out of all devices for MN and start a new thread under a new username if needs be changing some details of you suspect she's read this.

You need to have a safe space x

Have you called nursery yet?

If this happens again you need to screen shot that notification.

@MisschiefMaker

I panicked and just went on to change the password.

I am absolutely gutted that I did not screenshot that. I wish I had, but I didn't.

@babbscrabbs

I have called nursery and she is still there.

Well... you can always change your passwords back and try to catch her out again! haha.

But don't worry, you don't need that screenshot. Just try to be alert to any opportunities to get evidence or witnesses, and most importantly start keeping a diary and list of all the things she says and does.

While she is out, can you pack a small amount of things and YOU pick up your DD and go to your mum's?
You need sleep apart from anything else.

I absolutely think you should pick your DC up and go somewhere temporarily (your Mum's/friends) and speak to agencies from there

I recognise so much of this behaviour. Do you have reason to think your partner suffers from hypervigilance? Was her upbringing chaotic in some way? That can lead to a deep need to control her environment, including you.

This is not to excuse her behaviour, but to help you frame it in a way which is not so personal - so that you can call it out for what it is and to ultimately leave this relationship.

You should tell her that you want to end the relationship and that you have the right not to be pulled into an argument over it. Tell her you recognise her behaviour as being controlling, and that she does not have the right to do that.

And then leave with your child.

I really wish I could give you a hug OP!
This just sounds so chaotic and awful.
And through all of it you actually sound so calm, sensible and thoughtful!
Your wife sounds like a sociopath, you couldn’t of known this before, as that’s all
part of the condition and how a sociopath operates, but you do need to know she will not change. She can’t.
Id she threatens suicide again, call the police, no engagement or reasoning, let them deal with it.
I really hope things get much better for you and the baby soon!

Pack you and your daughter a bag - go to your mums or friends for a couple of nights at the least. Sleep will allow you to make better decisions. Being away from her will allow you to make all the calls/have the conversations you need to have for the immediate future at the very least.