Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

@Bitterballen
I have tried several times. I was number 14. But the wait time is so long. After 20 minutes, I am only 1 closer to being answered.
I tried doing the online chat several times but it said no one was available to talk because they're too busy.
So I sent an email a few days ago for a call back but I haven't had one yet.

I see DP pretending to walk away and saying 'bye' just to get a reaction from DC

She is a fucking terrible parent if she does things that make your DC cry just because she likes to 'get a reaction'. You must be able to see, surely, that she is already manipulating your DC in just the same way that she's manipulating you, making them feel insecure to exert control? She's a horrible, horrible woman.

This lady is worth a watch.

https://www.tiktok.com/@synfull*??t=8e9NSwsOH3z&r=1

@rosesarentred3 I'm so sorry you can't get through to womens aid. I tried ringing Tuesday and were 8 in the queue, I got to number 6 after 15 minutes but had to give up in case DP rang me for some reason and it said I was in another line.

Yesterday I rang a solicitor 3 times and never got through. So I've since emailed, emailing is my safest form of contact for me right now and now the summer holidays have started DP is now all off for the next 6 weeks 🙄 so I'm very limited for when I can make/take phonecalls.

You could try ringing your local domestic abuse service. I've emailed the one local to me, had a reply asking my location, I've replied back and also sent a long list of the things my DP has said/done over the last 10 years, they replied and asked me for a contact number and when is safe for me to ring, I'm going to get them to ring me tomorrow.
Just type into Google your location + domestic abuse service

@BanditsOnTheHorizon
Thank you. I have had a look. There's lots of good info on there. Some of the videos are quite similar to my life!

@TwistedCherry
That must be hard if they're going to be around every day through the holidays. Especially when you need to make these private calls.
I called again today and was number 16. No one has called me yet from the form I completed online. But I will try the local one as you've suggested.

A while ago, I thought DP was cheating as there were a few indicators of it. When I asked her she went mad and was so angry and upset. She didn't speak to me for a few days. I felt so so guilty for accusing her. I felt absolutely dreadful about it.
I don't think she was cheating, but I think maybe she liked the attention from this person - I'm not sure.

Anyway, today she announced she's going out for a meal with the person and off she went. I don't know if she wanted a reaction from me or something as it seemed quite sudden. Or if she's showing that we are doing things separately now or something.

Hi OP
Can you try the National Domestic Abuse helpline too maybe? https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/How-can-we-support-you

Anyway, today she announced she's going out for a meal with the person and off she went
Frankly, I'd use this as an opportunity to start getting your ducks in a row while she's out.
Solicitors, paperwork, squirrelling away important photos/keepsakes, anything that will be difficult when she's around.

I'm sure if you make your upset clear when she comes back you might find she does it again and provides you with some more alone time...

I've spoken with women's aid. They told me they thought DW could get 80% custody due to her having the full parental leave, however I have also spoken with a solicitor who says this is incorrect. And based on all of the information that I gave her, it's more likely that it would be 50/50 as that would be in DC's best interest.

I've felt terrible over the last few days to the point I've become physically really unwell. I've been so stressed. I've felt really guilty as DW has been ok with me for the last few days.

After my call with the solicitor, I do feel stronger and more prepared. They were really helpful. I need to remind myself of how strong I actually am. Because I really am. I've just been told I'm weak for such a long time.

For anyone with experience of this, is there any more advice you would give me at this stage?

I don’t know much about the legalities but if dads who take a weeks paternity leave can get 50/50, I don’t see why you shouldn’t.

My love. I am so sorry you are going through this. I never managed to get through to women’s aid. It was easier to speak to my local domestic abuse service. You can find their number on the council website. You can also go to your local pharmacy and ask for ani. They can take you into a private room and arrange a call for help.

Gather all the evidence you can and go to the police. She could go to jail for what she has done to you. From what you have written I think you need her to be arrested so you can safely leave with your child. Social services intervention would be beneficial to you and your child because even though she loves your baby she is also emotionally abusing them.

That is an amazing step OP, to have spoken to both WA and a solicitor!
We're you given any advice about how to evidence the coercive control? Because that's a key factor driving the care split of DC. You need some quality advice here from a solicitor with experience of abuse.

Obviously you feel stressed - it's a highly stressful situation - so that's not a negative thing, it's not evidence of you being weak. It's the effect of her abuse on you, and once you begin to extract yourself, it will lessen. Keep going!

You do have the right to leave with your child even though she is named on the birth certificate. You need to be careful because she can go to court for shared custody but if you go into a woman’s refuge you do not need to tell her where you are. Refuge addresses are secret by law.

Well done OP.

I know that must've been hard to do and maybe doubted yourself.

Remind yourself daily how strong you are and how much you are doing every bit the right thing.

Someone else made a great point - dads often get 50/50 with paternity leave so no reason why you should.

This is why you playing the long game, getting your ducks in a row is IMPERATIVE.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

It will absolutely give you the upper hand.

Know your rights and keep going.

And remind yourself when she's being nice that it's all part of the wider manipulation cycle that's kept you trapped there x

I just wanted to send you a huge virtual hug.... I remember your previous posts, and have felt utterly heartbroken reading of the life you are living.

Never forget you are strong and valuable and that you are doing this both for yourself and for your daughter: she deserves to know what healthy relationships are and to not see her own mother being abused, and to have that wonderful relationship with you that becomes possible once you feel liberated again.

You will come through this and have taken the first steps.

And if you doubt how lovable you are, reread the beautiful words of your previous partner - how lovable and easy to live with you are and how she should know having lived with you for five years.... I hope you've kept these somewhere you can look at them frequently.

Sending you much love - and also admiration for what you are doing: it is so very tough for you, and you are being so strong.

@loveyouradvice ditto 💜💜

Well done OP!

You've taken some big steps.

You deserve so much more.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and words of encouragement. It really does help. Especially when I have doubts.

I have felt so so guilty and worried because I'm 'going behind her back'. I feel very disloyal and i'm sure she would be upset and angry if she knew.

I keep having to remind myself of the ways she has treated me. I make notes every day of the things I remember. I've felt so down remembering them.

I can see she is trying to be nice. Talking about the future. Arranging date nights. These are the things that have kept me trapped and made me doubt myself which is what a few of you have mentioned on here. This is what has previously stopped me from leaving.

Exactly, you really see it now OP.

The cycle.

The cruelty. The silent treatment. The abuse.

Then the apologies. Threats of suicide. Happy times. Happy memories. Promises. Plans. I love you's.

Same old tired cycle.

Not worth the soul destroying abusive treatment. There are people in this world that would gladly give you the world. No one and no relationship is perfect but my God, not this.

Keep going OP. Glad you're making notes. When you read it back I suppose you can't argue with the facts. It must be horrendous to read and see in print. But doing this will keep you focused.

One day you really will look back. No regrets about leaving. Happier. Loved. Content. Fulfilled. Feeling whole and enough on your own with DC. With or without someone new. You will be just bloody fine xxx

@scoobysnaxx
Thank you so much. I really hope so. I'm trying to look to a brighter future to keep me going now when it feels so hard.

There are so many awful memories coming up for me that I've been crying each day and really need to try hard to pick myself up.

It really is the same old tired cycle. Each time I think maybe this is a turning point. But it never ever is. At some point she will say or do something that will be mean, nasty or whatever and it'll just carry on from there.

I don't know when the best time is to tell her I want it to end. I have no idea when I'm meant to tell her. When things are good? When things go bad again? I just don't know. I don't know what else I need to prepare first.

Can only imagine how you're feel.

Suddenly stuck in this limbo. Completely aware of what's been happening and how awful it is, but no idea how to leave. You just feel even more conflicted right now!

But one step at a time.

The support really is key. Domestic abuse services are soooooo experienced at supporting women to leave situations like this. It's their bread and butter daily. Most of them would have seen all kinds of difficult scenarios and circumstances.

Instilling the bubble of support is key right now. Solicitor. Perhaps the police. Certainly a domestic abuse charity like women's aid or something more local. And hopefully at least one trusted friend or even a colleague. All of these can give you the combination of emotional, practical and legal support needed to get you out and get you out for good and coming out on top before she even has a chance to argue or manipulate back.

As tempting as it must be at times to blow your lid and just tell her, or just leave and run away somewhere, patience is key!

You've lasted this long.. the days are literally on countdown now 💜

Please leave. You're not put on earth to live this miserable life. You're not an emotional punching bag x

I wouldn't tell her until you have got you and baby somewhere safe as abusive people likely escalate when a partner decides to leave, and especially as she seems possessive over baby and uses her to emotionally abuse you, I could see her refusing to let you take her if you told her prior to getting out. Just plan and go, deal with the fallout once you're at a safe distance where she cannot find or hurt you. I would consider reaching out to Woman's Aid to seek refuge for a bit, as I reckon she will escalate her behaviour since she seems quite extreme under normal circumstances, so it may be worth having people around you who can help you deal with things safely.

This breaks my heart. My mum did this to me (coercive control) exactly as you’ve described, even the words your partner says. Everyone saying how lucky I was to have her, how much she did for me etc. I didn’t have any confidence, she pushed me back to work when my little one was 4 weeks old then held me over a barrel with childcare and the threat of not being able to live at home unless I worked and she did the childcare (nobody else was acceptable and I didn’t love my son if I thought they were). She got rid of my friends, restricted my social life until it was just work. I suffered post natal depression, lots of other things happened then, to cut a very long story short, one night I snapped. By then I had a home of my own which my son and I lived in but she would frequently tell me he preferred to stay with her. That night she refused to let him come home. I called the police, stood my ground even while she fake cried on various phone calls she made to other people telling them I was “mental” and when the police arrived they did something quite unexpected. They asked to speak to us both separately. The policeman said if we couldn’t come to an agreement then they would have to put my son in emergency foster care for the night. I immediately said he could stay with her if he wasn’t coming with me. She said he had to go to foster care if he wasn’t staying with her. The policeman then went and got my son for me and took us home - I had put my sons needs before mine and she hadn’t. That marked the beginning of our ‘split’ and me getting my life back. I had zero confidence at the beginning, I had deferred all decisions to her and having them back was very scary but I managed to slowly claw my life back. It wasn’t easy, it took years, but it’s the best thing I ever did.

Good luck, don’t wait, you only get one life and it belongs to you - take it back xx

You don't tell her anything until you have plans in place and you and your DC are in a refuge with emergency court set up so your DC can stay with you and court ordered arrangements for contact with her.

If you don't do this very carefully she will withhold her as soon as she has first contact.

When is her parental leave over? When could you reduce your hours to be around more then her? You must ensure that your wife does not give up her job.

Is it too late for you to insist on having some shared parental leave or take a block of a few weeks annual leave whilst she settles back into working again?