Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

@rosrosesarentred3 I am so sorry to see all you are going through. You are being so amazingly strong. Please don't feel like it's your job to get everything sorted and in order to leave, you don't have to. You can go to a place of safety....a GPs surgery, a hospital, the police station or a children's centre and people will help you. This isn't a simple case of leaving a partner, you are a victim of abuse, as is your child. You will be believed, protected and helped. You both deserve this.

It is really good that you have spoken with women’s aid. The solicitor will know more about the legal side of things than they will.

When I left my ex who is very controlling I had a case worker from my local branch of women’s aid and we made a safety plan for how I was going to leave. I found this really helpful.

I would tell someone you trust about what is happening for you. It is scary telling people but it is unlikely to come as a surprise to them.

I would consider reporting to the police as coercive control is a serious crime and there are usually other criminal offences that have been committed as part of it. The more you learn about abuse and control the more you realise has happened to you.

You sound like a strong and caring person. You deserve so much better than this.

Fathers get 50/50 all the time.

And you carried and gave birth to her!

I'd be shocked if a court gave you less than the average dad.

Listen to the lawyer over womens aid.

Rooting for you OP, you deserve so much better and I feel like you are close to getting it.

I don't know when the best time is to tell her I want it to end. I have no idea when I'm meant to tell her. When things are good? When things go bad again? I just don't know. I don't know what else I need to prepare first.

Telling her is the last thing you do. I think you need to plan to tell after you have already left. The reason I say this is because, from your posts, it seems there is a part of you that believes telling her is part of the process of leaving and she will assist you to leave. You must know, realistically, that she will never do that and she will do everything to manipulate and force you into staying in the marriage.

So, I suggest you plan to not tell her anything at all until after you are gone (regardless of whether this is actually what you do or not) What would you need to know/do before leaving?

Can you find another solicitor specialising in abuse? Can you speak some more to women's aid, to get advice about how to prepare to leave, and about reporting her to the police?

Have you told any of this to your therapist? Can she help you start to get your thoughts in order?

Hi OP, firstly hugs as your situation just sounds bloody awful. Well done on having a therapist and for coming on here - sometimes writing it all out really helps you see the reality of things - when you are so busy just dealing with the shit the full impact of what's happening can get lost. It seems you have finally reached 'zero hour' - no more chances, no more emotional manipulation, no more threats, again well done for getting to this point.

So, for the actual physical change of leaving I would reiterate what others have said - don't give your partner any heads up at all, that's just inviting trouble. Do surreptitiously get together all your paperwork, birth certificates for you and DC, financial info, house stuff etc. take it all round to your Mum's for safe keeping along with a basic bag of clothes for you and DC - nothing that will be missed and don't use a suitcase. Then you can either decamp with DC to your Mum's (or other relative if easier) the same day or in the next few days.

Stay strong OP, you have done all the ground work and your head is right now so strike while the iron is hot and make the change you and DC need, and make it now. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world.

Thank you for your responses. We had a few days where she was being quite nice. I knew it wouldn't last long and anticipated 2-3 days which it was. Now her snide remarks have started again. She's annoyed with me that I didn't tell her my exact location 2 weeks ago when I was out and only told her the area I was in and not the actual Cafe name I was in.
Then she out of nowhere said 'are you gaslighting me? Are you gaslighting me right now? You're gaslighting me aren't you?'

So I just said 'let's not continue this conversation' and left.

We had a family dinner a few days ago but she didn't want my mum here. People kept asking if my mum was coming so I asked her if we could invite my mum. She said no at first. But then said yes she can. After I invited my mum, DW kept telling me how there wasn't really room for her (there absolutely was) and that this meal wasn't really for her. When my mum was here, DP didn't speak to her. Ignored her when she spoke to her. Make snide remarks. Refused the presents she had brought with her for DC.
It is just a reminder how she is with my family.

One present my mum brought, DW said for her to take it back home because we don't want it. My mum was really upset about this.

I have told my mum my plans which I have to say she is glad about. Her first response was 'good because she's not a very nice person'.

I don't think this situation is one where I would flee with the baby if that makes sense.

I imagine i would tell her that I want to separate and file for divorce and that we'd both stay in the house while it is sold. If she makes like unbearable I'll rent somewhere but I wouldn't be able to pay the rent and the mortgage so she would have to contribute.

Well done OP, you're seeing her for what she is.

Don't let her accuse you of gaslighting- google DARVO. That's exactly what she is doing, trying to play the role of victim to confuse you.

I hope you extract yourself as soon as possible and start a glorious new chapter.

Have no doubt she will make your life hell. Be warned she will get far worse.

She will cycle through abuse- promise the moon in a stick. What if she leaves with DC?

I think you need to be very smart. You need everything lined up to file for divorce. I would speak to police about bring coercive control charges.

When does her mat leave end, will DC be going to nursery?

@SunRainStorm
She's definitely doing that. I've noticed how she keeps saying and doing things as if I'm really abusive. I was thinking 'what the hell is going on here'. She is saying things constantly like I'm being awful. It's quite unsettling really.
I imagine this is her planting the seed so she can tell everyone what an awful abuser I am.

@RandomMess
She's back in work now part time. And DC is in nursery. The solicitor said it's really simple to file for divorce. You can complete and submit the form online. Or they can do it but it will cost about £500-1,000 extra for them to deal with it.
Do people file for divorce straight away? I was thinking of doing it on the day we separate. But you always see on tv that they ask for a divorce years after separation.
I want it sooner so that whatever money I earn from then is my own.

It's great you're starting to think about these things and putting the wheels in motion.

I'd also look at your terminology when you do talk to her about separation and divorce. You don't 'want' to separate, you 'are' separating. You don't 'ask' her to contribute, you tell her she either behaves like an adult whilst you sell the house or you leave and rent a house she will have to pay towards the mortgage/rent otherwise she won't have any where to live: you don't 'ask' you tell, you don't 'want' you 'will do'.

It's very difficult to change this as you're so used to having to ask or get her agreement. But you don't have to do that now, you're an adult who deserves to be heard and make your own decisions.

@rosesarentred3 I think in your case you should file for divorce straight away. You want everything settled- a clean break financially and some rights and boundaries drawn up in relation to DC.

Hopefully you can reach an amicable agreement but if not then the sooner the better to go to court and get everything done.

That's great DC is in nursery and she has returned to work. There is less of an argument that you should be required to financially support her for longer. She can work and support herself.

Good for you OP. Keep posting here when you need to.

Perhaps time to go part time/reduce your hours yourself? Weaken her claim on being primary parent.

If you could agree a temporary reduction of hours with work whilst you'd let out care and money?? Why isn't she working full time?

This.

OP, I think unfortunately you underestimate how vicious she may become.

I fear that your refusal to hep yourself and speak to police, will cost you dearly.

By reporting to the authorities what she has done, you would undoubtedly be getting ahead of her and this.

It would make her far more wary of you.

She clearly senses your withdrawal and is creating a new narrative.

Your refusal to protect yourself will cost you dearly and leave you very exposed to her furtger abuse.

However, if you were to involve the police with the proof you were forced by her to return to work without mat leave etc., you would be getting in front of this.

This is undoubtedly one of the worst cases of abuse ever on MN and she is a cunning snake.

Reporting her coercive control of you and asking for help, could make all the difference to how this works out.

Help yourself before its too late.

Please think of your DD the more you protect yourself and gain more time with your DD the better she is protected from the emotional abuse she is already experiencing.

You are very strong, you need to carry on being so and is the LAW to protect you.

Why are you against leaving with DD to a refuge and seeking an emergency order?

When you tell your wife it's over what is to stop her fleeing and making up these lies and preventing you having contact??

She is a very dangerous abuser and she will do anything and everything to keep you in place including hurting DD.

Op you are getting some good tactical advice here but I'm worried you aren't going to take it.

Perhaps talk to us about your hesitancy to go to the police?

@MisschiefMaker
I feel like talking to the police is a bit extreme. What would they even make of it? Could they even be bothered with this? What would DW think? I'm thinking id look insane and paranoid contacting the police. I am very hesitant to contact them.

A friend has said to me today that me and dc can stay with her for a few months if we need somewhere to stay.

Coercive control is illegal, that's why you talk to the police.

It matters what they think not her. They decide whether they think there is enough evidence to charge her. If there isn't then she need never know.

OP really well done for telling your mum. It's really good you are starting to put together a support network.

However I fully agree with PP that your current scenario for leaving is sadly unrealistic. Your idea that she would simply accept you filing for divorce, live in the house together or help you pay for a rental, all the while happily sharing access to your DD, is a fantasy I'm sorry to say.

You need quite a bit more expert support now and I agree with PP re. police. I think you need to contact women's aid again and get some advice on how to leave safely and protect your DD.

Are you discussing this with your therapist? I think it would be useful to talk through your fears around making her treatment of you widely known (police, etc) which is ultimately behind your fantasy scenario that you will tell her you are filing for divorce and she has a personality transplant.

At this point I think it would be useful for you to have this thread moved to Relationships where you will get a wider selection of posters who can give you the benefit of their advice, @mnhq are you able to?

This woman terrorised you.

Denied you mat leave.

You have been told repeatedly that your story is truly a shocking tale of coercive abuse.

Are you seriously saying that having been told this repeatedly you have difficulty imagining the police police will be interested.

This woman is an absolutely vicious psycho, of the most awful kind.

She is so far ahead of you.

Do you seriously imagine she is going to "righty oh, sorry about that, let's splict amicable shall we".......really?????

She is going to go scorched earth, absolutely scorched earth.

Your best and only chance is reporting your terror of her to Women's aid and the police, get ahead of her, leave the house for a refuge, possibly get her out of the house via an occupation order, and hope to god that that gives her serious pause.

Anthing else is dulally thinking of the most unbelievably naive kind.

You have written at length how horrifyingly awful she has been, with many many examples, yet you think the police will have no interest?

What exactly do you think the new legislation is about and for?

You yourself used "coercive" in your heading?

I don't get your reticence and confusion when you clearly are aware of the word and its meaning?

Sticking your head in the sand about her awful behaviour unfortunately brought you to this place, please help yourself while you still can.

She will take every moment you are dithering to work fast and furiously to bring you down.

She will do it easily as she is so well versed in creating and manipulating her own self serving narrative.

Your only hope is by telling the police the true horror of her behaviour, they get involved, rendering her powerless as she tries to go after you.

When word gets out that their is serious police involvement, it will wake people up finally to realising there has been a completely different scenario at play.

Good luck.

Thank you for your comments. I am taking everything on board. I'm hoping to speak with another solicitor. One who knows more about domestic abuse. Although the one I spoke with advertised that they do, they didn't really seem like it. They made everything sound very straight forward which was music to my eats and made me feel strong and confident at the time. But I feel doubtful again now.

I contacted my local women's aid who gave me details of a solicitor.

My therapist was saying not to move out into a rented place because then I'll end up paying for both rent and my mortgage as we are both named on it, and I currently pay it now. I did tell her my fears of the possible repercussions so she did say then to leave if I'm unsafe.

If you are not living in hell, I don’t know who is. Perhaps you mean your
partner is not physically violent, but she is certainly torturing you in other ways. Find the strength to go.

Good luck with the new solicitor OP, I think its a good idea to see a couple.

Have you thought about talking to the police about it all?

@Twazique
I think you can log it with the police without them taking action from what I've heard? Would I call 101 or the local station?
I'm just worried they'll end up making some kind of welfare call or something because we have a baby.