To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

[rumun88]

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day.

I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare.

So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM.

Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support.

What would you do?

A lot of us absolutely do.

There is no choice if you are a lone parent of children with additional needs.

Yes some of us have no choice.

I hate how anytime a woman doesn’t want to be a SAHM (if finances allow) people will come in droves to talk about how much better it is for a child’s development to be around their mother. The implication here is always that if a woman doesn’t want to sacrifice and take a supporting role in the family the way men don’t have to, she’s selfish.

People can delude themselves all they want but the truth will always be that the ‘provider’ in the relationship will always be the one with more power. It works when times are good and when you’re loved but it’s all too easy for that to change when you’re not longer in your partner’s good graces. There’s a reason why so few men will accept being in a dependent position because if you’ve been on the other end you’d know how different it feels.

That being said, I know a scary number of women under 35, particularly financially independent ones, who are now completely shunning motherhood. Don’t blame them tbh. Unless you really love children and want a family it’s tough for women. Women will often put the whole family’s interest before their own. Who will do the same for them?

Awesome. If you had the right childcare and were not fulfilled at home with your child.

I think you’re in the minority though, most mothers would not want to go back so early. Some mothers choose to be stay at home mothers. You didn’t, that’s cool but others do and are happy at home with their children.

I've never come across anyone who went back to work before 6 or 7 months. Most people I know take at least a year, or a few years at least. Not because they have to - but because they actively want to. It's a very primal instinct and also it's very difficult to trust others with your baby, or trust they could provide the same care and bond as a mother.

Guess it’s the circles you move in. I know lots of self-employed women who all officially went back c. 4 months but in truth never really stopped: writers, mostly. The books still come out and the copywriting and typesetting and publicity and draft delivery schedule is set way in advance and the juggernaut continues despite having a baby. And I know a couple of high earners who went back around 12 weeks but continued doing the night feeds, because breastfeeding, though in both cases their husbands stayed home, rather than them using daycare. Oh and two lone parents in my NCT group who both had to go back early for financial reasons. It’s not unusual. With cost of living it’s probably more unusual to take the full year off rather than going back when the money stops.

You have now! Several nurseries around me are from either 6 weeks or 3 months so I'm definitely not alone.

A long maternity leave was never my plan.

Do you need the money
Do you need a break?
Do you hate worming weekends?
Around me the are so many jobs at different times even bar work, one or two two evenings somewhere nice to talk to people!
I would personally keep looking for something that suits you.

Some interesting posts re human animal side of us that drives us to procreate when really many women want something else entirely.

I do feel with ai and synthetic humans we will get to a stage where many couples won't have babies in the traditional way.
They will be able to have families more suited to their needs and work commitments.

Teleport, it's obvious.

I worked in nurseries for 5 years and not once did we have a 6 week old baby even though we did officially take them from that age. The average age was 9-12 months in baby room.

Mine is 7 months now and definitely isn’t the only one who started at the nursery’s minimum age of 3 months.

How many hours is your child in the day centre @SouthLondonMum22 ?

Full time. 7-6 are full time hours at his nursery but he's generally closer to 8-5, sometimes earlier than 5 since we both have flexible jobs.

So that's it - 45 hours a week in a nursery until he / she starts school? That's most if a child's waking life. I really don't mean to sound judgemental, but I can't understand how a family could do this.

Of course you mean to be judgemental. Why did you ask otherwise? At least be honest about it.

Neither of us plan on giving up our careers so yes, full time until he starts school.

@SouthLondonMum22 poor bloody child...

🙄

Other people see your child awake more than you do. That’s how you like it. I don’t get it. But ok.

and I don't get living off of a man. We all have things we don't get.

"living off a man" - marriage is a partnership with or without DC
Do people not expect their DHs to provide for them?

I earn more than DH. I don't need or want him to ''provide'' for me.

To all the posters saying how can you put your child in nursery all day... what about people who can't afford to give up work? My request for part time was declined so I'm not sure what else I'm meant to do if I want to pay my bills...

I don’t get why women or perhaps men on mumsnet are questioning other women’s choices to have both a career and a child on this thread?
Do you have a daughter, stepdaughter, or niece @Lambiriyani @MysteryBelle @Ontheperiphery79 @norestguests ?
Do you want her to have equality in her career, and life or do you believe she should not have the same choices in her career once she has a child ?
I applaud @SouthLondonMum22 for her choices and have faith that she is just as wonderful at being a mum as she is with her chosen career

Don't worry, they only feel sorry for your child if it's a choice, not a need.

They may go to nursery for just as many hours and just as many days as my child but because it isn't a choice for you, you are the better mother in their eyes.