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Original poster

To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

609 replies

rumun88 · 06/07/2023 14:31

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day.

I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare.

So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM.

Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Ifallelsefailschocolate · 07/07/2023 00:40

@rumun88 your superannuation will increase if you take the receptionist position, and childcare arrangements and costs will be easier once your youngest child starts school

Would you and your husband be able to share the childcare drop off and pick up ? Can he drive the oldest child to before -school -childcare , and you do the driving for taking the youngest to childcare ?

Do you want to work part time as a GP receptionist and would the employer consider you to ‘job share ‘ with someone?

FountainPensAndParchment · 07/07/2023 05:51

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/07/2023 23:33

I earn more than DH. I don't need or want him to ''provide'' for me.

Show quote history

People who believe there isn’t a power imbalance when someone is the provider and another the dependent are delusional imo. It’s one thing when you’re in your partner’s good graces but you will always be at their mercy when the relationship gets rocky or if they decide to stop providing for you unconditionally anymore.

norestguests · 07/07/2023 07:25

So while you're playing petty 'power games' with your DH, it's your child who suffers? Why do you think it's all about you and what's 'best' for you?

FountainPensAndParchment · 07/07/2023 07:32

norestguests · 07/07/2023 07:25

So while you're playing petty 'power games' with your DH, it's your child who suffers? Why do you think it's all about you and what's 'best' for you?

It’s not about power games. It’s showing your children (especially daughters) that they don’t have to be supporting characters in everyone else’s lives when they grow up.

Do you level the same criticism towards men? What’s best for a family imo is a situation where both parents are equal parents and take on the same parenting responsibilities and work. Not one where one is a ‘provider’ and ‘dependent’.

norestguests · 07/07/2023 07:38

If you feel so strongly about being a 'dependent' then get your DH to work more flexibly as well. A 12 week old baby does not need to be in a nursery 8-5. That's nearly their entire daily experience.

bussteward · 07/07/2023 07:53

norestguests · 07/07/2023 07:25

So while you're playing petty 'power games' with your DH, it's your child who suffers? Why do you think it's all about you and what's 'best' for you?

Why do you equate working mothers with children “suffering”? What a strange POV.

GCSister · 07/07/2023 07:54

Do people not expect their DHs to provide for them?

No

If we'd decided together that him being the provider was the best thing for our family then that's one thing. However, I would never have just expected him to provide for me.

chohiad · 07/07/2023 07:55

Do you know what I hate? "What's the point?"

YOU said that, YOU are making this choice. You need to look beyond the length of your nose to the future. When I had babies I was working 4 days a week, commuting 1.5 hours each way on a train whilst studying for my post grad barely earning a penny, when I finished that I worked 5 days a week commuting 100 miles a day bringing home less than £200 a month. These were short lived very necessary years (had my kids unintentionally young). DH had to work away for months on end (similarly trying to push his own potential, we were the same age) But now I earn more than twice my husband, I WFH, I am there for every school play, sports day, etc etc. by the time eldest started school I was earning 3 times as much as when I had him, and had gotten my self in the position to be flexible which is much more useful at school age.

Yeah it's hard and not always fair, yeah my kids went to childcare, but I'm hear for them more now than most parents I know (especially the ones that step out of work and go back to more restrictive roles lower down the ladder). If you have the attitude you have now you will always stay where you are, look at the future you want. And unless you literally cannot afford to eat, stop weighing up what you individually bring to the pot financially during the early stages of a career in the childcare years, you're playing a long game.

chohiad · 07/07/2023 07:56

*here

norestguests · 07/07/2023 08:00

It's not about 'working mothers' - it's about the baby. Try looking at it through their experience, rather than your own. If you're not cut out to be home with a baby, even in the early weeks, then that's that I suppose, but sort something out between you and your DH. I'm sorry to say, most people wouldn't even take on the responsibility of a dog if it meant putting them in 'doggy day care' 8-6, 5 days per week. Battersea wouldn't let you adopt a puppy if that was your plan. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I don't get it.

Scalottia · 07/07/2023 08:02

The simple answer to this is because you chose to have children. That's it. If you have children, and work, they need childcare. It's up to you and your husband as to how you figure this out.

Nobody should have children and expect family support (because this could change at any time).

If you choose to have a family, unfortunately one of the parents will have to sacrifice their job, or the kids will have to be in paid childcare. Doesn't have to be the mother but it seems that it mostly is. I think whoever earns more and is in stable employment should stay in their job - that's logical to me regardless of whether it's mum or dad.

This should all be discussed BEFORE having a baby. It would solve a lot of problems.

Vettrianofan · 07/07/2023 08:09

I have been a SAHM for 15 years with multiple children, but wouldn't have it any other way. We are not materialistic people, and I enjoy being around. Not in a rush to get back to work.

OP choose the job that will suit you best. Perhaps going back to dental nursing when the children are both in school.

Scalottia · 07/07/2023 08:17

Vettrianofan · 07/07/2023 08:09

I have been a SAHM for 15 years with multiple children, but wouldn't have it any other way. We are not materialistic people, and I enjoy being around. Not in a rush to get back to work.

OP choose the job that will suit you best. Perhaps going back to dental nursing when the children are both in school.

15 years? How old is your youngest child?

AllyCart · 07/07/2023 08:26

Not in a rush to get back to work.

Well that goes with saying, given the "15 years"...

😂

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2023 08:30

norestguests · 07/07/2023 07:38

If you feel so strongly about being a 'dependent' then get your DH to work more flexibly as well. A 12 week old baby does not need to be in a nursery 8-5. That's nearly their entire daily experience.

We do work flexibly. Both of us. It was ignored to dramatically say how many hours a week he spends in nursery even though one of us picks him up before 5 when it’s possible.

stayathomer · 07/07/2023 08:42

Op I can’t really help, I can only say it’s slightly easier when they’re in school but not much because sick days are a nightmare as obviously childcare providers can’t take them and you end up arguing over who takes time off:(

The thing is though If you want to work you need to figure it out, there will be huge benefits in the future when childcare doesn’t cost so much (we were extremely poor until I went back to work and now we can afford to send pur kids to things like swimming, don’t get so stressed over eg clothes or occasions).

I don’t personally think your title is right everywhere anymore- there’s an even numbers of men at the school gates now, and a lot of my friends are the principal breadwinner and their partners do more pickups and housework etc etc. best of luck op, listen to advice here and have a think and a talk and see what you can do, I think you’ll find very few people actually have background support and it’s all doable (if stressful at times!)

DisquietintheRanks · 07/07/2023 08:45

Lambiriyani · 06/07/2023 14:43

In the early years isn't it better for children to be raised by their mother instead of a stranger?

What's better for child development?

Yes - or their father. But you don't have to do what's best for your kids. Or even have them at all.

Naunet · 07/07/2023 08:47

norestguests · 07/07/2023 07:25

So while you're playing petty 'power games' with your DH, it's your child who suffers? Why do you think it's all about you and what's 'best' for you?

Do you ask men that question when they have a child then continue with their work and hobbies?

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 08:53

I have worked with thousands of women who have not sacrificed their careers after having children. Nobody has to, you chose to.

Sissynova · 07/07/2023 08:56

Spacemannn · 06/07/2023 23:48

To all the posters saying how can you put your child in nursery all day... what about people who can't afford to give up work? My request for part time was declined so I'm not sure what else I'm meant to do if I want to pay my bills...

Apparently that’s different … it’s only an issue if the mum also happens to enjoy her job. Martyr mummies only.
Work if you have to but don’t you dare enjoy being away from your baby and the kitchen sink.

norestguests · 07/07/2023 09:03

"Do you ask men that question when they have a child then continue with their work and hobbies?"

Yes potentially, it's a relationship where both earn roughly similar and neither want to take time out if their careers. I would equally wonder how a father could be ok with his baby spending more time at nursery then at home.

chohiad · 07/07/2023 09:12

@norestguests I don't know how long you've been in this game but this argument is SO BORING, I get you need to justify your existence, yes, yes you're a very important mommy, but I promise you, you can't tell the difference between the kids in the playgrounds from loving homes that had working parents vs stay at home parents! It's like bloody feeding and weaning, it's a massive deal at the time, but no one gives a shit in the long term, if a kid is entertained, loved and fed they do alright in my experience. I hate to break it to you, I know you want to think otherwise, but my kids are happy, healthy and have a great relationship with us, I assume yours are the same so I'm not sure why you're so chippy.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2023 09:13

Lambiriyani · 06/07/2023 23:24

"living off a man" - marriage is a partnership with or without DC
Do people not expect their DHs to provide for them?

Why should it be for the husband to "provide" for the family? Is this 1950?

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 07/07/2023 09:14

Lambiriyani · 06/07/2023 14:43

In the early years isn't it better for children to be raised by their mother instead of a stranger?

What's better for child development?

🙄

And I say that as a SAHM for years

norestguests · 07/07/2023 09:19

A 12 week old human is completely helpless and disorientated because before 6 months, an infant has no sense of him / herself as a whole being, separate to the mother. It's called the 'paranoid / schizoid' phase - the baby only experiences 'fragments' - eg a familiar voice or smell or being held in a certain way. If they are left, they can have no concept of when you will return because they don't even realise they are separate to you. Gradually babies build up coping mechanisms to cope with the absence of the mother - maybe they find their thumb or they might focus on a particular object in their fit or something. These are called 'transitional objects' to cope with the absence of the mother. It's only at 6-9 months that they have a sense that they are a whole being in their own skin, separate to the mother who is also a whole being and, as a result, there is the realisation that she may leave. This is when separation anxiety usually sets in as a stage to be worked through.