To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

[rumun88]

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day.

I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare.

So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM.

Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support.

What would you do?

Work isn't just about money though for many people. There's several benefits that have nothing to do with money such as socialising, mental stimulation, mental health etc.

I’ve always earned more than DH so no, my career hasn’t been impacted. I have gone slightly part time and still earn double.

If I were you @ZZTopGuitarSolo I’d stay as you are until you can get 30hrs funded childcare and then look for something full time or close to. It’s not that far off.

Take the receptionist job or go back to dental nursing

yes you will not have any money for a few years but in the long term it’s worth it

I’m aware, and the conversation has evolved from that into childcare, work, career, SAHMing, etc. The post of mine you quoted was clearly part of the wider conversation, not OP’s situation in particular.

In her case, There’s no immediate extra money, but there is the gain of a weekend as a family, which they don’t currently get. Potential job satisfaction, life satisfaction, pension, balance. Plus the childcare bill goes down at age 2, then again at 3. There’s nothing wrong with 5x days childcare if OP wants to seek fulfilment at work. Mothers don’t have to sacrifice themselves at the altar of childhood, nor does working have to create a net gain. Breaking even is fine if the parent is happier working than staying at home.

'Work isn't just about money though for many people. There's several benefits that have nothing to do with money such as socialising, mental stimulation, mental health etc.'

Well fine of course. But if it means children are in daycentres for long days - not so fine. What do you prioritise, your needs or your kids?

Again. I'm not talking about women who need to work. That's a different decision. Nor am I talking about women who work because the money benefits the family and the cost / benefit analysis is that it's worth the kids being in childcare. Nor am I talking about people who use childcare more occasionally. But to put your kids in full time childcare to do a job that would mean marginally less money for the family... why? You'd either have to really really love answering phones (or really hate being with your kids all day) to work for a loss.

I wouldn't want to spend all day, every day with my baby. I'd be incredibly unhappy to be a SAHM and I don't believe it would be the best decision for my baby.

It's also about looking at the long term too, it won't always be less money because childcare isn't forever.

Like pp said, wanting to work is also absolutely fine but I don't see nurseries as a negative thing, even 5 days a week.

Well fine of course. But if it means children are in daycentres for long days - not so fine. What do you prioritise, your needs or your kids?
Mine, because you put your own oxygen mask on first. If parents’ needs aren’t met, how can they parent their children? My kids wouldn’t benefit from me being trapped at home, depressed, bored, refusing to do all the messy play they get to do at nursery. Other people might make a different choice, and that’s fine too. my kids are actually in daycare four short days, in any case, but in your example I’d still choose my needs. No one benefits from having an unhappy parent.

Ok, so it's ok to use childcare for money reasons - while for essential money or extra money. But NOT for the happiness or wellbeing of the mum. She should of course be, always, self-sacrificing.

I know very few people (despite most women I know working) - in fact none now I think about it - who use "daycentres" 5 days a week for very long days.

You might work for a current loss for future prospects - so keeping a current reference, pension contributions. experience you can build on that pays off.

You might send your children to childcare even at a loss because you believe they are getting good quality care that is better than you can offer day to day. Its not about hating being with them, but possibly the nursery is nicer than your house, and they do stuff you arent good at like messy play.

I personally wouldnt be a doctors receptionist at a loss because I think its a stressful job but i can imagine scenarios where i would.

It's true that children don't benefit from having a depressed or anxious SAH parent. I do think it's better to own that if it applies to you, rather than pushing through as a SAHM and making yourself ill.

I was the total opposite in that if I had to leave my kids with someone else all day, that would have made me persistently depressed and anxious. I would have felt as if something had been ripped out of me. No way in hell would I have done that unless it was 100% necessary for survival. It's important to be able to own that as well, if that's how women feel, rather than pushing through at work and making yourself ill.

What if their father wanted to stay at home with them instead of you?

I wouldn't take the job but look for something else part time altogether, like 3 days a week or so with no weekends. I appreciate it may take a while to find such a job, but they do exist. I think you need a happy medium. I think the GP job is too much of an undertaking for no extra money.

It is difficult to try to continue much the same as if you didn’t have two small children but the reality is that something has to change. Work hours may have to be reduced for a few years, all sorts of ways to prioritize your children while not cutting all ties to career. There are different times of life. This is that magical time when you have little ones. But don’t worry too much because this time will go by in the twinkling of an eye. You will be totally free as before to pursue time with others besides your children, be a part of a team that doesn’t include your children, be a dental nurse or a receptionist. That time will come sooner than you think. When I had my baby, little old ladies and moms of adult children would tell me how fast it all goes by. I thought I understood what they meant. I would smile and say yes I know! And they’d look at me in the eye with a look that said, no you don’t know but you will.

Why does this only apply to mothers though? Plenty of fathers go back to work and not many even go part time.

Completely agree with this.

Me and DH have always shared parenting equally and regard each other's careers as just as important. Childcare is a family cost - not a mum cost.

How can you share the cost when either way the family pot is either the same or in OPs situation worse off?

@rumun88 this is a great idea.

You really don't have to sacrifice your career at all. I never have and I'm 5 kids in. I've currently got 5 in 4 different places but I make it work because I want too.
I reduced my hours to 3 days when they were very young and now just upped to 4 days a week. Thankfully my employer is flexible.
I couldn't have been a SAHM, it would really affect my mental health.

Don’t these judgy posters take maternity leave? How long are you breastfeeding for?

When you share finances that means that all income goes into one pot and all expenses come out of the same pot.

Childcare is needed when both parents work and therefore it is a joint expense. Not his or hers, but ours.

That was literally the point I was making though…did you not understand?

When finances are shared everything goes in one family pot, so if OP is making a LOSS working due to childcare the family pot would be making a LOSS.

My point was that it is a family cost. Not a mum cost. The cost is incurred by dad working too.

.....did you not understand?

Well then the family is worse off with mum working if the husband is the higher earner in that situation. How many families can afford to be at a loss really?

Very short term view. Staying out of the labour market for longer will reduce that parent's potential earning power.

It would only be a short term situation though until the children are in school.

For OPs situation she could easily walk into another min wage job.